Tag Archives: charlie rangel

  knew you were waiting

America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis

As much as what they are saying is idiotic, we can sort of understand why politicians that reside near the southern border of these here United States would like to weigh in and talk tough about porous borders and illeaglle children and brown hordes or whatever. But asking Michele Bachmann, a person who is quitting Congress in a few scant months, about her feels on the matter is just nonsensical, given that Michele’s frozen hellhole of a state could not be farther from the border. Or at least the southern one. But nonsensical is the unnecessarily resurrected Crossfire’s stock in trade, so they dragged Old Crazy Eyes onscreen to fight with Van Jones. Nobody won, America lost, you get the picture. Read more on America Can Breathe Easy Now That Michele Bachmann Has Weighed In On The Border Crisis…
  we left out utah and no one will notice

Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!

Thanks to Snipy staying up late so we could post the results of the one election yesterday that everyone was following (Mississippi: the Old Guy won, the other asshole lost), we are left with tidying up the electoral crumbs from around our great nation. Of course, Chris McDaniel is still making grumpy whining noises about recounts and “the integrity of the vote” and such, so he hasn’t exactly conceded to the critter-fiddler. Or to reality. Now, on to the other primaries of note! Read more on Get Your Hot Fresh Electoral Primary Derp!…
  he's just so wonderful

Unethical, Creaking Tax Cheat Charlie Rangel Cannot Understand Why Obama Won’t Endorse Him

New York Congressman Charlie Rangel loooves Barack Obama — puts him on mailers. Brags about that health care deedly-doo the two of them passed. Declares, proudly, that “Rangel’s got Obama’s back!” Now that he’s facing a primary challenge today, though, Rangel (D-Jurassic) is hurt — Obama, you see, just won’t endorse the guy for Congress. Obama! His old pal! The guy Rangel is so close with that he endorsed Hillary Clinton to beat him in 2008! It’s a simple gesture, really — all Obama has to do is release a statement, for goodness’ sake. No photo op, no public appearance. Just one little email from a campaign that sends so, so many emails. No dice. Why? WHY?! It’s almost like Obama is bothered by Rangel being one of only six congressmen to be censured by Congress since 1890. How preposterous! Read more on Unethical, Creaking Tax Cheat Charlie Rangel Cannot Understand Why Obama Won’t Endorse Him…
  it's morning in america

Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime

Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime… Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime…
  it's morning in america

Rich People Officially Win Class War

The House is expected to vote today on extending tax cuts for the greediest 98 percent of Americans, “the middle-class” — the war merchants, sweatshop owners and oil barons who have gang-raped all six continents while simultaneously ruining any hope of a peaceful, simple existence for America’s persecuted minority, the struggling single mom billionaires. But don’t worry, you don’t need to sign the Amnesty International petition to “stop the exploitation of trillionaires” — not yet at least! Because that Orange Thing knows this vote is nothing more than “a Washington stalling tactic with job-killing implications,” which is totally unacceptable. Are there any jobs left to “kill” at this point? No, they are all already dead, since “the economy has such limited job openings that even if every open position in the country were filled, four out of five unemployed workers still wouldn’t be able to find a job.” Read more on Rich People Officially Win Class War… Read more on Rich People Officially Win Class War…
  it's morning in america

Primary Season Ends With a Seven-State Primary Fiesta

Today marks the end of the terrible Primary Season, with seven states heading to the polls. Which primary will embarrass the Republican Establishment the most? In Delaware, normal Republican Congressman Mike Castle faces off with Teabagger lady Christine O’Donnell for a chance to sit in Joe Biden’s old, asbestos-stuffed Senate seat. Add the fact that Republican state committee Chairman Tom Ross has received death threats for supporting Mike Castle, and that Christine O’Donnell has received at least $200,000 from the Tea Party Express, and you’ve got yourself a pretty wacky primary. This is just one (1) state though, there are six others! Could any of these other primaries be as hilarious or sad? You must clicky clicky to find out. Read more on Primary Season Ends With a Seven-State Primary Fiesta… Read more on Primary Season Ends With a Seven-State Primary Fiesta…
  titanic

People Actually Showed Up To Charlie Rangel’s Sad Birthday Party Fundraiser

Charlie Rangel’s birthday party was very inconvenient for state Democratic politicians. On the one hand, he is an utter disgrace slowly being brought down, at long last, by ethics charges. On the other hand, there were free “heaping plates of roast beef, goat cheese and onion rings.” But Charlie Rangel resorted to pitifully desperate measures to shame people into showing up, and most of them did! You never turn your back on somebody who provides you lots of money. So these lawmakers ended up coming, mostly, and the result was a lot of awkwardness and then a New York Times account of this awkwardness. And also photos to be used against them in the future in attack ads. Read more on People Actually Showed Up To Charlie Rangel’s Sad Birthday Party Fundraiser…
  yep still here

Charlie Rangel Informs House He Is Going To Hang Around, In Long Speech About Himself

Charlie Rangel delivered a rambling speech for more than 30 minutes on the House floor today, and it turns out he doesn’t like ethics violations, or being forced out because of them. “Somebody has to do more than wish I go away,” he said. Mostly, he just wants somebody to do something, because constantly denying things and having to defend himself is wearing on the old man. “I’m 80 years old. I don’t want to die before the hearing,” he said. Charlie Rangel will not leave voluntarily, so please either kick him out or let him stay. But you will not, so he had to eat his entire bow-tie collection last night. Read more on Charlie Rangel Informs House He Is Going To Hang Around, In Long Speech About Himself…
  harlem globetrotters

SO CHARLIE RANGEL CAN RUN FOR PRESIDENT NOW, AND HUNT MOOSLIMS AT GROUND ZERO? “The subcommittee that investigated Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) has recommended that the embattled lawmaker face just a ‘reprimand,’ a mild form of punishment similar to that given to Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) when he was rebuked in 1997.” [Washington Post] Read more on …
  unsolvable mysteries

Charlie Rangel Has No Idea If He Has Reached a Deal On Ethics Violation Charges

WCBS in New York City reported this afternoon that Rep. Charlie Rangel has cut a deal to avoid going to trial on various charges of ethics violations. So did he? Charlie Rangel doesn’t know. “I don’t know. I’ll tell you one thing, until someone tells me that there is, there isn’t,” he said. Yes, that is one thing. The House ethics panel’s ranking minority member, Rep. Jo Bonner of Alabama, doesn’t know if Rangel cut a deal either. Did Charlie Rangel and the ethics panel get black-out drunk together? Read more on Charlie Rangel Has No Idea If He Has Reached a Deal On Ethics Violation Charges…
  nobody will fight *this* draft

Charlie Rangel Writes New Law To Get Rid of Luke Russert and Other Youth

Wait, is Luke Russert still hanging around the Capitol dressed in his suit? Isn’t “bring your kids to work day” over? Well, Charlie Rangel is sick and tired of being harassed by our nation’s unemployed youth. That’s why Congressman Rangel wrote this great new law to scoop up all the shiftless young Americans and put ’em to work, in the New National Service. And Wonkette supports this new legislation 129%, because it’s time to do something with the vast unwashed U.S. population of jobless, hopeless “kids” (everyone between grade school and Medicare). Why not make them pick up all the goddamned trash they’ve left everywhere, or maybe work taking care of each other’s bastard, obese children? Or putting band-aids over each other’s neck tattoos so they can take turns applying for that one graveyard shift opening at the Taco Bell? Read more on Charlie Rangel Writes New Law To Get Rid of Luke Russert and Other Youth…
  it's morning in america

Unpleasantness Of Actual War Dims Congressional Enthusiasm For It

Despite the fact that, as the White House loudly and no doubt correctly insists, the WikiLeaks War Logs contained only information that everyone kind of knew already, it was pretty depressing information, all in a big pile! So now that the picture of the Afghan cauldron of death and carnage and betrayal is clear, with smashed villages and dead people everywhere, we get to the really important question: Will the process in Congress to pass the law needed to pay for more of this be even more convoluted and irritating than it would have been otherwise? Read more on Unpleasantness Of Actual War Dims Congressional Enthusiasm For It… Read more on Unpleasantness Of Actual War Dims Congressional Enthusiasm For It…
  it's morning in america

Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc.

Charlie Rangel is going on trial! Did you even know that Congress could put people on trial, for ethics violations? Well, they can, but they don’t usually, because most Congressfolk generally just say “Yeah, you caught me” and slink away in shame when the Ethics Committee points out their many moral failings. Not Charlie Rangel, though! He’s positive giddy at the prospect: “At long last, sunshine has pierced through this cloud that has been over my head for more than two years.” The last guy who had a trial like this in the house was Jim Traficant, and you remember how awesome that was. Read more on Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc…. Read more on Rejected Pun Headlines: ‘Sorry Charlie,’ ‘Rangel Wrangles Ethics Charges,’ Etc….
  funny pictures

Charlie Rangel Pathetically Adopts New Brand

Silly Charlie Rangel. If you’re going to try changing your name as a way of escaping the taint of Charlie Rangel (ha ha most disgusting mental image ever), you shouldn’t pick the name of another famous tax evader. [Huffington Post] Read more on Charlie Rangel Pathetically Adopts New Brand…