Tag Archives: charlie crist

  Lethal Injunction

WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule

Now *that's* a logo.
During the second, fan-free debate between former Florida Gov. Charlie Crist* and current Gov. Rick Scott (R-Malfoy Manor) Tuesday night, the accusations flew hot and heavy. One of the more notable exchanges involved the question of whether Gov. Voldemort knowingly delayed a prisoner’s execution last year so it wouldn’t conflict with a campaign event being held by his attorney general, Pam Bondi. Read more on WonkiFact: Yep, Rick Scott Delayed Execution For Attorney General’s Campaign Schedule…
  We Are Saying He Is Shit Is What We Are Saying

In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan

The moment Rick Scott lost the election
In what any Very Serious Journalist would consider a disqualifying move that requires the Republican Party to abandon the race completely, Florida Gov. Rick Scott refused to debate his Democratic opponent, the former Republican and former governor of Florida Charlie Crist (because of course; it’s Florida!), on Wednesday night. But he had a very good reason. As the debate’s moderator, Eliott Rodriguez, explained to the audience: Read more on In Florida Election, The Rick Just Hit The Fan…
  reducing the surplus population

Charlie Crist Wants To Know Why Rick Scott Is Sucking The Blood From All Those Poors

Former Florida Governor Charlie Crist would like to get that job back, please, and now that he is no longer a RINO and has gone Full Democrat, he is serious about sounding like it. Which is why he is accusing current Gov. Rick Voldemort of putting the Dark Mark on Florida’s Poors, by not expanding Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act. In an interview on MSNBC Friday, Crist told Chuck Todd, “About a million of my fellow Floridians are not getting health care today, and I am told by friends SEIU [sic], that means six people in Florida die every day as a result of that. Every day.” We are going to assume that the [sic] there indicates he meant to say “my friends at SEIU,” though it would maybe be cool if the Quakers were unionizing. Yr Wonkette wouldn’t usually stand up for the likes of Rick Scott, but we just want to point out that he actually does have a healthcare initiative for poor people — he gives them drug tests. Read more on Charlie Crist Wants To Know Why Rick Scott Is Sucking The Blood From All Those Poors…
  oh for crist's sake

Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist

America’s Time-Travel and Causality Crisis grew worse last week as Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) blamed the 2008 recession on his predecessor and likely opponent in 2014, former Gov. Charlie Crist, who served from 2007 to 2011: “We never should have had that downturn,” Scott told the Sayfie Review Florida Leaders Summit in Orlando, suggesting that Florida’s economic troubles in the midst of the global recession that spiraled out of control in 2008 after the fall of the nation’s largest investment banks was the fault of his predecessor, former Gov. Charlie Crist. It was not immediately clear whether Scott believed that Crist actually caused the banking crisis and collapse in mortgage-based securities that led to the recession, or if he held Crist responsible for failing to use powerful magic to prevent Florida from being affected by the worldwide economic decline. Read more on Florida Gov. Rick Scott Discovers True Cause Of 2008 Recession: Previous Florida Gov. Charlie Crist…
  this week in tanned americans

Charlie Crist Tells Hugging Dude: You Know What I’m Here For

Presented without comment: “A few hours after expressing a desire to meet the Fort Pierce pizza parlor owner who hugged and lifted President Obama on Sunday, Crist showed up at Van Duzer’s business this afternoon and, according to Van Duzer, said, ‘You know what I’m here for.'” Read more on Charlie Crist Tells Hugging Dude: You Know What I’m Here For…
  #weigeled!

Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch

Sorry we did not blog at you yesterday; we left Jim here in charge at the house (la Casita de Wonkadonk) and went into the Charlotte wilds in search of our badges (WE NEED STINKING BADGES), and then we ate a bunch of acid with one of our dudes from Boston (we have dudes from Boston), and now Jim is probably going to quit because of how we left him all day yesterday and then ran out of battery and never checked in and were just on acid all night like a fucking hippie 17-year-old girl getting arrested protesting the Original Gulf War. 1990, represent! Also, you guys, make Jim not quit! More importantly, however, did we mention world-famous walking Slate Explainer Dave Weigel is a crazy bitch? Read more on Charlotte Day Two Maybe: Dave Weigel Is A Crazy Bitch…
  america's wang we love you

How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?

Sometimes when you’re watching reruns of not-so-old TV shows, you wonder about what ever happened to the bit players. I mean, sure, Joey from Friends will never have to work a day in his life again (which is good, because he probably won’t), but what if you’re one of the ladies who played his interchangeable girlfriends? Do you burn out of Hollywood and end up back at a boring office job, and you have to make occasional sales calls where people say “Didn’t you have sex with Joey from Friends in 1998?” and then it’s super-awkward. Similarly, we know that the big stars of the 2008 presidential campaign will be senators and/or grifters for as long as they want to be, but what about the supporting cast, like beloved orange moderate ex-Florida Governor Charlie Crist, who could have been Vice President, but then wasn’t? What’s he doing with his time, other than staring off into space and thinking about how he wasted his life? We already know that he’s working as some kind of TV lawyer shill, but did you know he’s also involved in some sordid case where the ex-head of the Florida GOP is trying extort money from him, possibly for gayness-related reasons? Read more on How Gay Is Charlie Crist’s Extortion Scandal, On A Scale From One To Very Gay?…
  a personal injury

Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser

UPDATED 1:11 pm Look, it’s “Attorney Charlie Crist,” that orange guy who was going to be running for president this year if he had only decided to keep his job as governor. He would like you to visit his e-mail account (but he didn’t give us the password?) and tell him about the time your insurance wouldn’t pay for LED lights under your car even though your neighbor’s dog bit you. It’s kind of sad that Crist couldn’t even find a law firm that would name him partner. What’s worse is the kind of “public service issues” he will be working on at this ambulance chaser. Do you need to sue the makers of the “Avaulta vaginal mesh”? Charlie will help you! Read more on Charlie Crist Now Making Local TeeVee Ads, Working For Ambulance Chaser…
  the saddest man on earth

Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video

If he hadn’t tried for the Senate, Charlie Crist might be running for president right now. Instead, as the result of that David Byrne lawsuit, he looks like he was kidnapped while out selling his wedding ring at a pawn shop and has been forced at gunpoint to read off a list of demands in a poorly lit basement. So, things always work out in the end. Read more on Lawsuit Forces Charlie Crist To Make Humiliating YouTube Apology Video…
  your ballroom days are over baby

Charlie Crist Pardons Jim Morrison For Some Reason

Governor-for-now Charlie Crist has basically just been sitting around wondering what he can still do with his Executive Power in Florida, now that his career in politics is probably over forever because he’s not CRAZY enough to be a Republican, especially in Florida. (Jeb Bush wouldn’t last 10 minutes in today’s Florida, either.) So anyway, Charlie was just hanging out in his bachelor pad, sipping daiquiris and screwing around on the Internet with his iPod on shuffle, and all the sudden The Doors came on, some weird song or another. Ensenada! The dog crucifix!, whatever. And Charlie got to thinking, “Hell man poor old Jim Morrison sure got a raw deal with some right-wing uptight Florida court back when I was a kid just smokin’ dope and doing fraternity sex rituals. Isn’t he from Florida, too? Just imagine if he was still around FLA today, that would be the shit.” Read more on Charlie Crist Pardons Jim Morrison For Some Reason…
  charl-mentum

Charlie Crist Earns Coveted Steroid Nut/Vaccine Denialist Endorsements

The Senate three-way in Florida: Still happening, we guess! Rubio and orange-fleshed moderate Charlie Crist and whatshisname, the other guy, are duking it out for the right to a job that will allow them to get the hell out of Florida eight months out of the year. Charlie has a particularly tough task because he doesn’t have a major party machine backing him up with money or appearances from ex-presidents, so he has to get endorsements the old fashioned way: by wheedling them out of his friends. So far he’s managed to get some famous dead politician’s son and an actual fellow governor, though the governor could only be bothered to do it by Twitter. Read more on Charlie Crist Earns Coveted Steroid Nut/Vaccine Denialist Endorsements…
  politics is all about sand vagina monsters

Charlie Crist Loves the Gays, Lives On a Beach

Charlie Crist knows he does not want gay marriage in Florida. But there was that time when it seemed like he didn’t believe in gay marriage at all. Now he is “rolling out” his new policy on the gays, and he is once again against all gay marriage. But he thinks they should have hospital visits and be allowed to serve in the military so they can make the two kinds of porn he likes will have those rights, at least. Meanwhile, he is back on the teevee with two ads. He has ditched his amazing anagram magic tricks and is now living on the beach as a common meth bum. Read more on Charlie Crist Loves the Gays, Lives On a Beach…
  icky

Charlie Crist Admits He Is Confused About His Stance On Gay Marriage

Charlie Crist is having a lot of problems lately with this whole idea of “being forced to take positions on issues.” It is hard to do such things when you want to occupy an invisible center of the political spectrum that does not exist when everyone is dissolving into two camps that just throw poop at each other. And rightly so, as who wants to get hit with poop without anyone to root for? But when it comes to gay marriage, that is apparently very close to Charlie Crist’s heart, because even when he decides he has to be against it, he sounds very confused. Read more on Charlie Crist Admits He Is Confused About His Stance On Gay Marriage…
  really would rather believe nothing

Charlie Crist Having Trouble Figuring Out What His Health Care Position Is

It is difficult, sometimes, to remember what your beliefs are when you have shifted many of them in a ploy to grab up some of the middle ground of the electorate. And thus in the same day we have Charlie Crist saying he would have voted for health care reform, we have Charlie Crist saying he would have voted against health care reform. “This debate must not be about political posturing; it must be about protecting the people of Florida and America, and I intend to do that hard work when I get to the United States Senate,” he said. That’s funny, because political posturing is exactly what he was doing. Except now Charlie Crist is against political posturing, so please forget that he was previously for it. Read more on Charlie Crist Having Trouble Figuring Out What His Health Care Position Is…
  primary time again!

Liveblogging Florida & Arizona, the Sun Cancer States!

Ha ha, so a couple of your Wonkette contributors were jabbering all day about doing liveblogging, and your editor said okay great but don’t kill yourselves because these “couple of primary/runoff things somewhere” do not exactly leave the nation or even the Wonkette Readership spellbound. And then of course nobody showed up to liveblog at all, because it takes very little to discourage America’s generation of underemployed English graduates. So join us for a few hours of very leisurely liveblogging as results trickle in like fat drops of Ambien-laden urine trickling down John McCain’s slacks. Read more on Liveblogging Florida & Arizona, the Sun Cancer States!…
  come to bowser's castle rich people

Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist

Oh, this is fun: Mark Penn, Hillary Clinton’s former fat Komodo dragon advisor, and “Bride of Mark Penn” are hosting a fundraiser at their Washington home for Charlie Crist. Charlie Crist, you remember, used to be a Republican, and Mark Penn used to be a pile of lizard poop upon which some nuclear waste leaked. Will Hillary Clinton show up to this event in her nightgown, as if in a trance? Read more on Mark Penn To Shove Money Into His Pants For Charlie Crist…
  it's morning in america

Wonkette To Accept Chinese Buyout, Become ‘People’s Glorious Political Sexytime Humor Blog’

Oh, Elena Kagan confirmation hearings, you finished before you could even really get started! Where were your memorable moments, your lunatic grandstanding, your insights into softball strategy? All we have is some outraged testimony from some military guys saying that at Harvard Law Kagan made them “use the back door by the garbage” (i.e., by the gays). Looks like she’ll be confirmed, but with not many Republican votes, and maybe not with Specter’s vote either, since he thought her answers were “pure prepared pabulum” and not substantive like hearings used to be back in the day. Read more on Wonkette To Accept Chinese Buyout, Become ‘People’s Glorious Political Sexytime Humor Blog’… Read more on Wonkette To Accept Chinese Buyout, Become ‘People’s Glorious Political Sexytime Humor Blog’…
  georgetown basketball greats

Old Jews Will Make Billionaire Jeff Greene Your New Florida Senator

Florida Democratic Senate candidate Jeff Greene has landed himself a lengthy profile in the scummy Weigel-less Washington Post today. Who is Jeff Greene? He is not, as far as we can tell, related to Alvin Greene. But he’s best friends with Mike Tyson, he’s sworn enemies with Ron Howard, and he has a good shot at winning the Democratic nominate for U.S. Senate in Florida because the old Jewish retirees have too much time on their hands to just elect a competent and black Congressman like Kendrick Meek. Read more on Old Jews Will Make Billionaire Jeff Greene Your New Florida Senator…
  and marco rubio has his own foreclosure!

Florida Loves Charlie Crist’s Sexy New Independent Spirit

America’s favorite recently-married orange Floridian, Governor Charlie Crist, had to quit the Republican Party because the teabaggers didn’t want him to be the new U.S. senator. Why do teabaggers hate Republicans so much? Doesn’t matter! Charlie now has a healthy lead in the three-way or four-way race for Senate, while dumb wingnut Marco Rubio is currently 11 points down and Democrat Rep. Kendrick Meek has dropped way down to third place but is at least ahead of gross gazillionaire Jeff Greene — the Democratic nomination won’t be settled until August 24, and Greene may well buy the race for himself, and then he can celebrate with his special friends Heidi Fleiss and Mike Tyson (both of whom are on Florida’s currency and/or license plate.) Read more on Florida Loves Charlie Crist’s Sexy New Independent Spirit…
  america's tackiest state

Florida Update: Democrats Now Have Permission To Vote For Charlie Crist

Popular moderate orange-skinned married-to-a-lady-now Republican Governor Charlie Crist was knocked out of the Florida GOP Senate primary by angry teabaggers and their angry Tea Party candidate Marco Rubio, and now the “independent” Crist is looking pretty good to Democrats. Why? Well mostly because some insane rich slob has bought his way onto the Democratic ticket, and the guy is really gross and weird — even for Florida. Read more on Florida Update: Democrats Now Have Permission To Vote For Charlie Crist…
  no mustache rides?

Ex-Florida GOP Chair Arrested For Something Involving Large Sums Of Illegal Money

Former chair of the Florida Republican Party Jim Greer, most “famous” nationally for flipping out over Obama’s socialist plan to tell American children “education is good for you” on their first day of school last year, was “arrested Wednesday morning at his home, though charges against the disgraced chairman were not immediately available.” Indeed, anyone who takes a photo like that deserves to be disgraced. Oh that’s his mugshot, right! He was disgraced earlier in the year, when he left his post after ALLEGEDLY doing the awful things for which he was arrested this morning. Read more on Ex-Florida GOP Chair Arrested For Something Involving Large Sums Of Illegal Money…