Wonkette

Here’s a new “biographical” ad from John McCain, where we learn — get this — that while a bunch of hippie anarcho-pinkist fags like 7-year-old Barack Obama spent five years mud-fucking on the AIDSy grounds of Woodstock in the 1960s, McCain was at a subprime torture hotel in Vietnam. The ad concludes with a number of inspirational messages that will surely drive voters to his corner, such as “John McCain doesn’t always tell us what we hope to hear” and “Don’t hope for a better life.” This rhetoric. We are overcome. [YouTube]

We cannot give all campaign ads precious real estate on Wonkette. No, it’s not because there is too much other news to cover — in fact there is absolutely no news, at all, ever. It’s just because we have no idea these ads are coming out. Ha! Anyway we’ve taken the last four minutes to scan over John McCain’s YouTube page for any recent comical web ads. The digging effort has been, by most standards, a modest success. The video above is brand new from today and gets you pretty excited about jobs — no small task, indeed. Two others, after the jump. MORE »

John McCain’s speech last night — the kickoff to his general election campaign — was, simply, constipated. Whenever he tried to make one of his “zingers,” he started giggling or, as the still to your left shows, he whipped out the ol’ gun-slinger gesture to recognize his four supporters (1:28 into the below clip). There was no Gravitas to his terrible lies this time, and everything was green, and he questioned the government’s need to solve problems while speaking in New Orleans. Did “Cougs” Cindy slip him a percocet, or did old WALNUTS! just spend 10 minutes too long with his ether rag yesterday afternoon? Anyway, check out the comical highlight reel below, which ends with a crescendo of “Th-that’s not ch-ange we can be-ee-lieve in.” MORE »

This is Barack Obama’s new ad for North Carolina, and it’s about gas money. It’s titled “Nothing’s Changed.” He discusses the Big Oil companies, concluding with “I won’t let them block Change anymore.” What’s the deal here — are he and “Hope” breaking up or something? [YouTube]

Here’s a fact: David Brooks wrote the worst column in American History this morning. Well, maybe of this week, or of this morning only. It was definitely the worst New York Times column he wrote today. It involves bird flu, or the measles, or some sort of viral “sensation” where Barack Obama is heroin and Hillary Clinton is the methadone clinic, and hippies are guided by invisible shark spirits. MORE »

In an interview with NBC today, George W. Bush responded to all these candidates talking about Change, because what’s so bad with the way things are now? Of course it’s nothing, he says. It’s just something those politick-types like to say to win presidential elections and maybe get laid. MORE »

Your Wonkette traveled to the mysterious ghost town of Rochester, NH, this afternoon to hear Barry Obama talk about Change. As you may know, Barack Obama is the candidate of Change, and some anti-abortion people interrupted the beginning of his Change speech to to heckle him for Changing living fetuses into trashcan filler. MORE »

Those “in the know” have been aware for some time that Al Gore invented the “global warming” myth purely to sell his stupid movie and win awards and fuck movie stars. But now one website dares to tell the real “inconvenient truth:” Al Gore didn’t merely make up global warming, he is also causing it! MORE »