• CENSUS BUREAU CRIME FREAKOUT UPDATE: “Some guy with a gun jumped the fence @ census bureau. But they caught him now.” [Thanks to Wonkette Operative "Jessica S."]

Yikes, what is going on at the Census Bureau? Wonkette operative “Jon S.” reports, “An announcement just came over the loudspeaker saying nobody is allowed to enter or leave the U.S. Census Bureau, except security personnel. Oh noes, sinister members of congress are trying to eliminate statistical sampling methods!” And, moments later, he adds: “Rumor has it that helicopters are involved ….” WTF?

Because the whole “counting people” thing is played out, the Census Bureau is now working on important problems, such as making you return the shopping carts sitting around your neighborhood. It’s national return-the-shopping-cart month!

We’ve all seen them and wondered how they got there — a supermarket shopping cart, sitting forlornly along a residential street, far from the nearest grocery store. Was it a prank, or someone who walked to the store and bought more than they could carry? Either way, this is Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month — including milk crates and bread trays.

This is great. Nobody at the Census Bureau knows why shopping carts are everywhere. It’s because there are millions of hobos who use shopping carts to carry blankets and recyclables. Or maybe it’s just a “prank.” Anyway, make sure to help out! After all, it’s your duty as an American to help supermarket corporate profits! MORE »