Tag Archives: census

  the intersection of failure and more failure

Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not

Well what do you know. Looks like our Kenyan Savior and Guiding Star Of Socialism Barack Mao Tsebama has been up to no good. Or at least, his minions have been snookering and hoodwinking us by manipulating the data. According to the New York Post, the Census Bureau was cooking the books on the monthly jobs data in the months leading up to the election, allegedly making the unemployment numbers seem better than they actually were! But fear not! Congress shall investimigate this latest SCANDAL, and that means only one thing: Rep. Darrell Issa is on the case. And this time, he decided to bring that goalie from the Mighty Ducks film, Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX), to help share the blame when all this turns out to be a big pile of nothingness. Which, of course it inevitably will be, because Issa is a terrible person who is also very incompetent at his job.  Read more on Walking Failure Darrell Issa To Investigate Census Bureau Now, Why Not…
  more reason for steve king to hide

White People Dying Out, Will Still Own Everything

Mark this day down as a day that will live forever in infamy: the day we started running out of white people. Via the Atlantic: According to a new Census Bureau report, 12,000 more white Americans died than were born between July 1, 2011 and July 1, 2012. As our James Hamblin notes, white deaths haven’t exceeded white births in at least a century. The Caucasian population only expanded thanks to 188,384 immigrants. So there’s still no net decline in white population. But now we gotta bring in ringers. This invites a series of important questions. For example, if white people are no longer a plurality, will America still be the greatest country on earth? (Answer: maybe.)  When there are barely any white people left, will 96% of our Senators still be white? (Answer: probably). Is this Obama’s fault? (Answer: definitely. His election just made white people give up on reproducing.  You could look it up.) Read more on White People Dying Out, Will Still Own Everything…
  Are You A Poor?

America Roughly As Infested With Poors As It Was Last Year

The Census released its annual report on poverty yesterday, and there are lots of fun facts to be parsed herein vis a vis who is rich and who is a loser. But first, let’s offer a hearty congrats to America, who is not significantly more infested with Poors than it was last year! AND! Only 22% of children are living in poverty — meaning, since we are glass-half-full type people — that 78% are NOT living in poverty, which is what we should be focusing on (unless we hate America, of course). USA! USA! But wait, there’s even more good news! Poors are most likely to be women, minorities and Olds, meaning that white men are still coming out ahead. USA! USA! Also, the rich keep getting richer, bless their little hearts! Read more on America Roughly As Infested With Poors As It Was Last Year…
  the coming race snore

Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites

We knew it, you knew it, they knew it, your crazy white great-uncle who forwards you paranoic chain letters in blue 30-point Comic Sans font with neon green background knew it, and now the U.S. Census knows it: The minorities, they’re popping out babies like the dickens, and the flaccid whites can no longer keep up: “Non-Hispanic whites accounted for 49.6 percent of all births in the 12-month period that ended last July, according to Census Bureau data made public on Thursday, while minorities — including Hispanics, blacks, Asians and those of mixed race — reached 50.4 percent, representing a majority for the first time in the country’s history.” Shit. See you all in Singapore! We’ll whiten that joint up in no time. Read more on Army Of Minority Babies Prepares Crushing Assault On All Whites…
  our flourishing economy

Report: America Even Better At Making Its People Poor Than It Thought

While America nervously fidgets with excitement waiting to hear all the disgusting sexytime harassment details from a new Herman Cain accuser (the press conference hasn’t happened yet, but we promise, uh, it will be gross?), let’s scan some of the crappy “other news” clogging up the Internet and see… oh,  hm, what have we here? “The ranks of America’s poor are greater than previously known, reaching a new level of 49.1 million,” says a new revised census report. UGH, QUICK, BACK TO THE HERMAN CAIN TAB. Read more on Report: America Even Better At Making Its People Poor Than It Thought…
  our flourishing economy

New U.S. Achievement: More Americans In Poverty Than Ever!

If the sunshine seemed a little bit brighter this morning and the air a little bit sweeter, you were surely imagining it — Obama’s new smog allowances keep the skies permanently brown and sour, despite the collapse of American manufacturing. But America is on the rise in one exciting new respect: One of every six Americans is legally poor, and more Americans are officially in poverty than ever before! The Census Bureau just released its 2010 poverty data, which says 46.2 million Americans are The Poors — that’s an all-time record and a 17-year peak in percentage terms. The Census Bureau bases its poverty threshold on family size and number of kids, so it goes from a $10,956 annual income for a sad adult living alone to $21,756 a year for a now-mythical family of four with two children. So remember, when trying to put yourself “in poverty” because you make 20K a year giving handjobs behind Union Station, that you’re well above the poverty rate if you’re supporting only yourself with that free-lance consultancy income. But if you’ve got an unemployed “common law husband” and a couple of malnourished orc children hunting rats underneath the half-collapsed trailer you call home, then you are part of the hottest new demographic in this great nation. Read more on New U.S. Achievement: More Americans In Poverty Than Ever!…
  alert the illitches

Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal

The Heritage Foundation is a place for great thinkers, so it comes as no surprise that one of their geniuses has finally, from his little marble Koch cubicle in D.C., solved why Detroit is losing population: it’s full of liberals. Scary! One would think it would be easier for the people of Detroit to just start electing Teabaggers instead of leaving all their possessions behind and running to borders to escape the sheer terror of living under the rule of Democrats, but apparently that is not the case, according to this man who has never been to Detroit. This is such a brilliant answer to that city’s population loss! We bet if you look at other regions of the country led by Democrats, you will see the same thing. Regions such as the one ruled by Barack Obama. Read more on Heritage Foundation Guy: People Leaving Detroit Because It’s Liberal…
  the great tally-marking

Census Allocates 6 More Crazy Members of Congress To Florida, Texas

The 2010 Census results have come out, communistically, today, and according to The New York Times, “Bureau officials declared that the United States population had grown to 308,745,538 million over the last decade.” 308,745,538 million? That is 308,745,538,000,000 people! Wow! States in the Midwest and Northeast are losing both seats in the House of Representatives and electoral votes, while states in the South and Southwest have made gains. Texas picked up four; Florida, two. So from now on, Florida will have an even greater ability to hold presidential elections hostage with its stupidity, and Congress will focus primarily on how to give sex offenders the death penalty while simultaneously increasing their Second Amendment rights. Read more on Census Allocates 6 More Crazy Members of Congress To Florida, Texas…
  but most of america is working right?

Democrats Can Rejoice: Fewer Than 100,000 Jobs Lost In September!

Woo! Party! Fewer than 100,000 jobs were lost last month. High fives, everyone! It could have been 100,000, but it wasn’t! The unemployment rate stayed at 9.6 percent as the overall economy lost 95,000 jobs for the month. Most of that loss came from a decline in government employment, and particularly from a drop in temporary Census 2010 jobs. The private sector added 64,000 jobs for the month. Read more on Democrats Can Rejoice: Fewer Than 100,000 Jobs Lost In September!…
  it's morning in america

Democrats To Make Michele Bachmann Vanish, With Maps

When Barack Obama reveals the census numbers on December 31, it will become clear just how many people have fled the sad, crumbling Midwest, which will result in many Congressional districts there ceasing to exist. Thus, the pathetic battles to govern and/or legislate for these frozen wastelands take on extra importance, as the next two years will be consumed with fights to redraw the legislative districts there for the congressional representatives for the few remaining Midwestern humans. If the Democrats seize control of Minnesota, will they work to eliminate Michele Bachmann’s exurban fiefdom? “The party wants to defeat Ms. Bachmann but not by redrawing her out of existence,” says the state Democratic leader, so, yes, they will redraw her out of existence. Read more on Democrats To Make Michele Bachmann Vanish, With Maps… Read more on Democrats To Make Michele Bachmann Vanish, With Maps…
  our flourishing economy

44 Million Americans Now Officially Living In Poverty

With one of every seven Americans — and 20% of all U.S. children — now officially impoverished, the nation is finally back to the official level of poors last seen during the 1992-1994 recession. Unofficially, the number is at least twice that high, as “experts think that people who are getting by on as much as twice the official poverty line should nonetheless be considered poor.” In either case, things are terrible but they’re also getting much worse. Read more on 44 Million Americans Now Officially Living In Poverty…
  nation of lunatics

New Developments in Anti-Census Violence Weaponry

Census Violence ’10 continues with this report about a man in Alaska who threatened his enumerator with a bulldozer. The bulldozer-er was not paranoid, confrontational Todd Palin, but a fellow from Fairbanks named Carey William Bliss who communicates only by fax, when he’s not allegedly making verbal threats against federal employees. No wonder he’s so cranky — fax machines are very difficult to operate! Read more on New Developments in Anti-Census Violence Weaponry…
  american heroes

Guy On Internet Will Destroy the Census With FOIA Bombs

“Savvy Young Political Journalist” Stephen Robert Morse, who runs the news organization MyTwoCensus.com with Ben Franklin, is only trying to expose all of the crimes being committed by America’s people-counter gulag, the Census Bureau. Doing this important work requires him to file daily Freedom of Information Act requests asking the Bureau for millions of documents. But now the Census people want to charge America’s muckraker “exorbitant prices” for his courageous truth-questing. How will Savvy Stephen obtain justice for this civil rights violation against his blog? Read more on Guy On Internet Will Destroy the Census With FOIA Bombs…
  our flourishing economies

YOU CAN COUNT ON US: Good news on the job front! 431,000 jobs were added to the economy in May! Even better, 411,000 of these were all-important census jobs, an economic sector crucial for long-term growth. No country will be able to beat America when it comes to counting its citizenry, feeding forms into scantron machines, and going door to door with a clipboard. Do you think the Spaniards know how many Spaniards there are? Do the Russians know how to count the Russians without “accidentally” killing them? [NYT] Read more on …
  It's playtime

A Children’s Treasury — and Matching Game! — of Census Violence

Last week your Wonkette explained that being a census taker has become the most dangerous job in America. People across the land are grabbing whatever weapon they can find, be it a gun or hatchet, and going psycho-nuts on the poor government workers who are just trying to count the population. Well, it’s another week, and the violence has continued. And some of the census workers are turning out to be kinda crime-y and crazy, too! Oh clouds of hopelessness, you darken our days. Read more on A Children’s Treasury — and Matching Game! — of Census Violence…
  meanwhile on twitter

CNN Wingnuts Furious At Bill Press

Old liberal person Bill Press yesterday asked Robert Gibbs about “CNN’s” Erick Erickson, who would love to threaten census workers with guns. This gave Robert Gibbs an opportunity to rip the dickens out of Erick Erickson and wingnuts, and since CNN MUST NEVER APPEAR too far to either side of the debate, they have now smeared Bill Press. [Twitter, HuffPo] Read more on CNN Wingnuts Furious At Bill Press…
  lamers

Hmm Could This Whole Anti-Government TeaBag Mob Backfire On Republicans?

It seems kind of crazy to think that encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to hate the United States Government might actually backfire on the Republicans who would like to be in charge of that very same United States Government they’re encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to rise up against, but facts are stupid things. Read more on Hmm Could This Whole Anti-Government TeaBag Mob Backfire On Republicans?…
  win the morning win the world

SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black

Of course this story got buried on the weekend, when nobody pays attention to anything. Obama, that thief who somehow won the election by getting all those popular and electoral votes, filled out his nasty socialist Census — when did we have to deal with that intrusive crap before Nobama, eh? — and what do you know, Mister Chicago Street Thug ‘fessed up and described himself as “black” on the Census form, according to journalistic Truth Crusader the Politico. Fishy, no? Wasn’t his mom white? Or did he even *have* a mom? Kenyans have two daddies, we heard. Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black…
  quitter

Liberals Misconstrue Erick Erickson, Who Will Not Shoot Census Workers Like He Said He Would

Wingnuts are, have been, and will be for the foreseeable future furious over the tyrannical overreach inherent in the ACS survey, a more detailed extension of the Census that the government will make a few million people fill out every year. Sometimes, if you are going out of your way to avoid it, ACS workers will visit your house urging you to fill it out. Erick Erickson, of CNN and RedState super-celebrity status, said yesterday that if this happened, he would take his wife’s shotgun (!) and “and see how that little ACS twerp likes being scared at the door.” Read more on Liberals Misconstrue Erick Erickson, Who Will Not Shoot Census Workers Like He Said He Would…
  american numerology

Happy Socialist Census Day: Did You Get a Census Form?

We heard on the radio that today was National Census Celebration Day, in celebration of the Census, which is happening now, as Wolf Blitzer might say, if he knew anything about what was happening. And then, on the radio, there were all these people calling in from Brooklyn and Queens and wherever saying, “Oh noes, I did not get a census form, I called and they told me to die,” etc., really Heart-Breaking, and then we realized that the census forms never showed up at our homes/offices here in Wonkette-World, so why are they trying to jape us? Read more on Happy Socialist Census Day: Did You Get a Census Form?…
  'confederate southern americans'

Southern Racists Will Declare Themselves As Such, On Their Census Forms

Good news, oppressed white slobs of the South! This year, you can finally escape the cruel fate of being a worthless minority by declaring your Racist Heritage on the U.S. Socialist Census. Awesome? In response to the race question on Line Nine of the form, something called the “Southern Legal Resource Center” — in no way named in such a way as to cause deliberate confusion with the name of an actual anti-racist organization, the Southern Poverty Law Center — advises sad fat confederates to describe themselves as “Confed Southern Am.” And the South Will Rise Again. Read more on Southern Racists Will Declare Themselves As Such, On Their Census Forms…