Former president Bill Clinton gathered together a bunch of his dude friends and celebrated his 63rd birthday in Las Vegas eating steaks cut from the loins of actual angels and topped with a port wine reduction. Guests included rum-soaked popinjay Terry McAuliffe and Steve Bing, that guy who impregnated Liz Hurley once. Clinton’s “real” birthday is August 19. [The Caucus]

If the town of Woodward, Oklahoma wore pants, it would be shitting them right now. The president is coming to visit, you see! No, not that president — the real one, with the sticker. He will make this 4th of July the most exciting holiday since Opal Cornhole’s goat got into the vodka-filled watermelon and spent the evening humping a lamppost. MORE »

Every terrible oversexed gay hedonist dildo-slave recreational-abortionist Democrat in America had sex with every other Democrat in America on Tuesday night in order to celebrate the election of our emperor-clown, Barack Obama. Apparently this is common behavior among humans, this “having sex for fun” thing. Humans also do it when they are sad, or happy, or bored, or want to “change the topic of conversation.” MORE »

• DICK CHENEY’S UNIVERSALLY LOATHED CORPSE TO BE REANIMATED FOR ONE LAST HURRAH AT REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION: Whew! “Cheney plans to speak on the first night of the convention in St. Paul, Minn., the same Monday night that President Bush will speak. … There had been doubts about a speech by Cheney, who remains unpopular with Americans.” [AP]

Normal Americans celebrate Thomas Jefferson by pouring out a 40 on the sidewalk and saying mournfully, “Here’s to you, firecrotch” and then lighting $5 bills on fire. But Libertarians celebrate by dancing in solemn white-people fashion to their own personal iPods, in front of the Jefferson Memorial. And then they get arrested. Well, one of them does. [YouTube]