Wonkette

Top Clinton advisor Harold Ickes arrived on Capitol Hill yesterday armed with magical maps showing how his candidate would win the nomination if Democrats were Republicans, Florida and Michigan’s excluded votes were included, and black caucus-goers were cast into the sea. These maps created a spacious gulag in the Middle West for educated voters under 40, and demonstrated how Barack Obama could never win tough Republican strongholds like California and New York. MORE »

Oh you thought Hillary Clinton won Texas on March 4? Think again! Instead of a normal voting system, Texas has a vast and specially designed labyrinth of despair that prevents all but the most froth-mouthed true believers from ever emerging with something called a “vote” — so upon second inspection, it looks like the latest round goes to Barack Obama. MORE »

Ron Paul’s supporters are at it again, participating in their Democracy. Even though their guy won less than 5% of the vote in the Missouri Republican primary there on February 5, they made sure to show up for their party caucuses this weekend. And simply by appearing physically at these events, which are normally the exclusive domain of elderly cranks with ham radio hobbies and 40-year unlapsed subscriptions to Reader’s Digest, these civic champions were able to remake the face of the Missouri Republican party. MORE »

From The New Republic: “A member of the DNC’s Rules And Bylaws Committee–the committee that stripped Florida and Michigan of its delegates for moving their primaries before February 5th–told me that Michigan plans to get out of its uncounted delegate problem by announcing a new caucus in the next few days.” Ruh roh, a caucus is no good for the Hillary — people like to be behind 40 secret polling booths to let anyone else know they’re voting for her. So… Michigan now doesn’t count, Mark Penn? PLEASE SAY Michigan doesn’t count! [TNR]

Last night the American people shed many tears and blood and sweat as they tried to strangle the infant Democratic primary process in its crib, and alas they did not succeed, so there will be elections every day for the next four years. But we rejoice to see so many Wonkette readers who care so deeply that they sent us hilarious tales from the caucuses. Mind-numbing boredom, police intervention, and Clinton babes, after the jump. MORE »

After weeks of seeing themselves outspent, outstrategized, and outflanked by the Obama campaign, the Clinton team is finally getting ahead of the curve: they’re already planning a sour, protracted legal battle in Texas that officials warn could ruin the Democratic party there! MORE »

Joel Ferguson, Hillary’s Michigan co-chairman, said today that “superdelegates are not second-class delegates… The real second-class delegates are the delegates that are picked in red-state caucuses that are never going to vote Democratic.” But since the reddest state the world, George W. Bush’s Texas, has a primary, they are first-class delegates that are never going to vote Democratic. Meanwhile, Barack Obama is plagiarizing more black speeches. [Ben Smith]

Oh irony: the most math-averse candidate in the presidential race now needs the numbers on his side…and the numbers are pissed. MORE »

President Barack Obama has won everything, but mostly Nebraska and Washington’s state caucuses tonight. But how? Look at that invigorated Nebraskan Hillary supporter lady above! How could Hillary lose with that energy on her side? Somehow, she very much did lose — Barack’s earned about two-thirds of the vote in both states. [CNN]

Ha ha, did you think there might be a single weekend off after the deeply unsatisfying Super Tuesday Spectacle? Saturday features five more contests, including caucuses in Kansas, Nebraska and Washington state, a full primary election in Louisiana, some kind of “pretend to vote” conference in the U.S. Virgin Islands, and finally a Sunday caucus for the Maine Democrats. We’ll have weekend updates as polls close. [TIME/The Page]

Forget about Barry winning Connecticut or Hillary taking California in yesterday’s primary vote. The real Super Tuesday miracle story happened many millions of miles to the west, in a remote island kingdom called American Samoa. Here “ordinary American Samoans” who will not actually be able to vote in November participated in a Democratic caucus of epic proportions. Clinton took home the prize with an astonishing 163 votes. Stealth candidate Mike Gravel got a vote, though! [AP via KITV]