Really, Hillary? That was your first reaction? We were thinking more along the lines of, “Jesus christ, Bill, stop screaming at me!”

Barack Obama crushes Hillary Clinton in Iowa [Herald Sun]

Hillary Clinton has a problem. She came in third tonight, but she’s still got to go stand up there with a bunch of corpses from her husband’s administration and act like beating Bill Richardson’s 2% is a great victory. Whatever you say, Hill.

Time for a good old-fashioned Iowa Live Blog, made of butter. Huckabee is the GOP winner, Romney’s paying a heavy price for believing in the Wrong Jesus and also being a creepy guy, Ron Paul has totally been set up, and we can’t remember who is or isn’t supposed to win the for the Dems. Elizabeth Kucinich, right? Our nation’s first hippie Englishwoman! A redhead really can be president, maybe. MORE »

Ron Paul was so hot in Iowa today. Jets were in the air proclaiming his message to “Foogle Paul Ron,” Paultards were having cryptic digisex in WoW, Liberty Dollars were put back in circulation and the goddamn blimp SHAT itself because it looked like he’d get third tonight! rLOVEution success, at long last!

Oh but then he came in fifth. Ha! Does it hurt? Does it hurt sweet Paultards? I know we “endorsed” him yesterday but this is too much to play ironically. After the jump, some choice reactions from Ron Paul Forums. MORE »

WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE HAIR-PLUGGED DRUNKARDS? Well, Biden’s out. Good-bye, Joe. You are pretty smart for a senator, even if you’ve rarely been smart enough to shut up before you say something vaguely racist or just plain absurd. Maybe President Ron Paul will make you Secretary of State, right before the U.N. is destroyed.

Slot-machine addict and very white ex-Reagan Administration loser Bill Bennett was on CNN a little while ago, bravely praising the winner of the Iowa Democratic Caucus for not acting all negro. MORE »

Mike Huckabee just went on the teevee sets to congratulate himself for winning Iowa. He is a happy Jesuser tonight! But as we all know about Jesusers, that happiness only conceals a disbelief in evolution. Still, congrats to Huck — I transcribed his speech in real time. Although I may have gotten a word or 200 wrong… MORE »

THE DODDPOD GOES SILENT: Chris Dodd is out, as we all assumed. Good-bye, Chris. You really never gave us a reason to hate you, even if you dragged your children to Iowa.

As John Edwards made so clear in his loser speech just now, middle America is kind of poor and pretty angry about slick corporate East Coast sleazebags like opera-loving Manhattan dandy Rudy Giuliani and dog-torturing Mormon multi-millionaire Mitt Romney. That’s why folksy Mike Huckabee is the new GOP frontrunner and suddenly plausible Republican nominee. MORE »

Unattractive Senator Chris Dodd told Fox News that if he didn’t finish stronger than fourth place tonight (tough call between him and the top three) he would be “going to Hartford tomorrow.” This is a pretty sure sign he means he’ll end his campaign because he had moved his family to Iowa in order to do well there. Wouldn’t at least one fucking kid speak up and be like “Dad, I’ll move when you stop being in sixth place”? [Politico]

The Reverend Mike “Not Fat No More” Huckabee is taking Iowa from the rich people, and CNN just projected the whole Iowa GOP thing is over and Huckster’s going to New Hampshire as the winner. Somehow, this ensures John McCain will win New Hampshire again, until South Carolina re-learns of his many black children.