Tag Archives: catholics

  Thanks but no thanks

Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
No one asked Sometimes we like New Pope Frank. Like, when he gets all Truffula tree-huggy and wants to save the Swomee Swans, or whatever, because God said, “Here is a earth-shaped planet, keep it pretty.” And those times when New Pope is like, “Jesus said rich people are THE SUCK, so don’t be such dicks, rich people.” That’s cool too and seems pretty Jesus-y. Read more on Pope Francis Offers Get Out Of Hell Free Card To Baby-Killing Whores…
  Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross

Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt

Don't you want to feel Chris Christie's rhythm?
Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn’t always take their sex tips from the pope — sometimes they used birth control! Read more on Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt…
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Read more on Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King…
  The feud continues

Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America

Science experiment.
  Last week we laughed and laughed at Rick Santorum, who really thinks Pope Francis needs to shut right up about climate science, because the pope, despite having studied chemistry, is not a scientist. Why focus on things like that, when there are more important Poping duties out there, like slut-shaming and telling people to stop being gay? But damn godless liberal Pope Francis, he’s putting out an encyclical on climate change, despite Santorum’s advice to the contrary. Read more on Rick Santorum Says Pope Francis Is Bad At Science, Bad For America…
  supreme wisdom

Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler

TOO S-M-R-T FOR YOU.
Oh, Justice Scalia, what would the Supreme Court do without you? It’s such a comfort to know that a brilliant, HILARIOUS legal mind like yours is adjudicating America’s Most Important Questions. Scalia spoke at his grandbaby’s high school graduation and thought the kids might enjoy a fun joke, about Hitler: Read more on Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler…
  The kids are all right

Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble

Good way to get out of that Calculus exam.
The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way. Which is legal to do in Iowa. McCubbin was in line for a full-time position at the school, but was rejected because his big gay life, according to the Diocese, “was at odds with Church teaching.” This pissed the students off, so instead of taking it lying down, they decided to stage a walkout: Read more on Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble…
  Eating their own

People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News

Some people say...
The truth is out there, man, and the truth is pretty damn gay. Fox News’s anti-Christian, pro-butt-sechs bias has been exposed by a handful of brave truth warriors, and we now have completely verifiable and not at all made up evidence Fox has been engaged for years in a massive gay conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! How has this dastardly organization conspired for years to push the gayness onto your children and unsatisfied wives? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News…
  trial separation

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory

bob and maureen k-i-s-s-i-n-g
Above, L-R: Then-Gov. McDonnell, some guy, Moneybags Williams, Maureen the Clotheshorse, some other guy. Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia After fourteen days of prosecution testimony in Bob and Maureen McDonnell’s corruption trial, which took a turn for the soap opera with suggestions that Virginia’s ex-First Lady orchestrated years of lavish gifts because of her “crush” on a wealthy snake oil merchant, the defense team finally started presenting its case this week. Opening statements promised intimate details of the former First Marriage from the deposed governor himself, but in order to devour the meaty steak of Bob McDonnell on the stand, we first had to get through the dry salad of the nerds and their numbers. Read more on McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory…
  You Say "Te Deum" We Say "Tedium"

Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control

Another good reason to use birth control
A couple weeks back, Buzzfeed posted photos of its employees explaining why they used birth control. It’s a lot of the old, tired “I deserve a say in what happens to my body and my life,” and “I take birth control for my endometriosis” blah-blah-blah we’ve come to expect from the man-hatin’ pro-abortion left. Well, the mommy bloggers at Catholic Sistas weren’t going to take this Buzzfeed thing lying down, if you catch our drift, and we think you do. They posted their own “Why I Don’t Use Birth Control” piece, and it is just a barrel full of monkeys. Read more on Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control…
  it gets worse

Good News! So Many Other Companies Ready To Start Regulating Your Lady Parts!

Were you thinking that Monday’s Supreme Court rulings represented the nadir of awfulness for this Court term and maybe also too your natural life, law-wise, but at least you could rest easy until October when the Court would start fucking up your life again? Haha when will you ever learn? In theory, the Hobby Lobby case was only about the four types of birth control that the god-grubbing craft store thumbsuckers specifically objected to because they think they cause the ‘bortions: two types of “morning after” pills and two types of IUDs. Fun fact: many other corporations are even MORE Jesus-y than Hobby Lobby, so along the way they had also too sued the government to be shielded from the trauma of their lady employees doing any sexing with their lady parts that didn’t result in babbies. Tuesday, on the real quiet down low, the Supremes issued several orders in those other cases that make clear that the Hobby Lobby travesty can be read to encompass all religious objections, as long as those religious objections are related to birth control, of course. Read more on Good News! So Many Other Companies Ready To Start Regulating Your Lady Parts!…
  House GOP to hold vote on repealing pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

Okay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions: Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time […] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. “We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE. Read more on Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills…
  go to hell

If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron’s recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch! Read more on If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says…
  happy holidays!

Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons

Libruls really hit the holiday jackpot this week! First, we had Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day at the same time, which appropriately coincided with the made-up Fox News holiday, “Sadness Day” (a holiday Olds celebrate by eating burnt pot roast and scowling at Wheel of Fortune). But the fun did not stop there! Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, which is a Supreme Court decision that lots of people have heard of, yet as the New York Times points out, remains a mystery among the vast majority of America’s tween population, who recognize abortion as that thing that will get an episode of their favorite Canadian teen drama series banned on Nickelodeon. Read more on Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons…
  oh ok got it

Fox ‘Person’: Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers

Greg Gutfeld (Oh my god, Greg, what happened to you, besides too many Crunchwrap Supremes?) is a member of a strange five-person cult that appears on Fox News every day. He thinks he is funny. He used to edit men’s magazines. He used to look like this (fig. 1), of a time. In 2010, during the whole Ground Zero mosque debacle, Gutfeld proposed building a gay bar for Muslims next to the mosque in “an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.” Nice try (or rather, Hmm, we must acknowledge that you spoke those words), and/but vomit and WTF. Now, Greg tried to make his cult members laugh at Monday’s cult gathering by saying that the difference between Muslims and Catholics is that “Catholics write letters and Muslims stab you with letter openers.” Read more on Fox ‘Person’: Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers…
  forehead blackening protocol not recognized rebooting

What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?

Reddit user “oldbean” asks the question that would have already been running through all of our heads, if we weren’t such godless scum: Will Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have ash on their foreheads in tonight’s [CNN] debate? HUH. Good question! Here are the predictions your Wonkette overlords made in the super double-secret plus cubed chatroom where we set the liberal homosexual agenda. Read more on What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?…
  let freedom whine

Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom

Baked potato-wielding beacon of strength and apparent modern-day Sisyphus Glenn Beck has gone symbolically Catholic, despite being a Mormon, in order to stand with freedom-loving Catholics over the contraception mandate that Obama is trying to affix to the health plans of companies affiliated with the Catholic Church. Amusingly, it looks like a great number of Actual Catholics actually support contraception mandates and/or the President, but nonetheless, the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS! — what? This government is stupid — because it is the only way to get Obama to blindly sign on to freedom without realizing what he’s doing despite the fact that the entire media is now spilling the details of this brilliant top-secret strategy. Beck also stole his new mantra — “We are all Catholics now” — from another utterer of words, Mike Huckabee. Read more on Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom…