Wonkette

We know that various lipstick metaphors are the most important issues in the 2008 presidential election following eight years of George W. Bush, but we feel we should mention something about this new HIT PIECE from the liberal Nation magazine. In the above picture, John McCain and his campaign manager Rick Davis are boarding a fancy boat to celebrate McCain’s 70th birthday, 423 years ago. Ha ha, look at freakin’ Walnuts trying to shimmy up that ramp. Anyway, who is that greasy Montenegrin convicted con artist playboy, the one who owned the boat? MORE »

Joe Biden has one job this election: to get the Bitters in Pennsylvania to vote for a black Muslim. That is literally all he has to do. Maybe Ohio, too, but mostly Pennsylvania, because he was of course born there! In Scranton, the famous town where Happiness goes to die. On Friday, he went to Northeast Philadelphia — “The Scranton of Philadelphia” — to meet some old white folks and tell ‘em about Barry. He even kissed some old gal on the forehead, but she was disgusted, because there’s a huge stumbling block among these “white ethnics” Joe Biden is targeting: they really, really hate black people. MORE »

Hey remember that insane Catholic preacher who was all, “Hillary Clinton cried in New Hampshire because she was white”? Well, now he has apologized. And, true to the Modern Religious Figure’s Apology Template, he apologized “if anybody was offended,” rather than for shouting a bunch of shouty garbage in a church. Barack Obama has performed another summary round of rejection and denunciation, and let us never speak of this again. [CNN]

In Heaven, a secret cabal meets every Shrove Tuesday to match up nutjob religious leaders with the presidential candidates they will embarrass the most. John McCain’s assigned kook is pastor John Hagee, an Evangelical preacher who loves Jews, the apocalypse, and long walks on the beach, and hates Mondays, broccoli, and Catholics. So it shocked everyone today when he acted like a complete hypocrite by refusing to stand by his crazy remarks about our papist brothers and sisters. MORE »

Everyone’s favorite racist presidential candidate from Colorado, Rep. Tom Tancredo, is responding to the Pope’s Tour d’America by… well how is he responding? Let’s do the math: Tom Tancredo’s only issue is illegal Mexicans; illegal Mexicans are Catholic; Catholics perform Pope’s bidding… The Pope’s bidding is telling the Mexicans to enter the United States. Tom Tancredo hates the Pope! [Denver Post]

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

The Pope is allegedly landing right now—if God is on his side, at least, and if they are not lying to us. (Or maybe God wants to kill him on American soil! God is A CRAZY, DANGEROUS BASTARD. Sort of like a Vietnam Vet with Asperger’s on the glue.) The President is welcoming the Pope at Andrews Air Force Base. Pope Ratzi will be sleeping tonight at 3339 Massachusetts Ave. NW, so maybe don’t go trolling for gay sex up by Cheney’s house tonight. D.C. will now be a mess until Friday, when the Popester goes on up to further clog New York. Just in case you should meet him, in his funny little costume, maybe you’d like to know about his religion?

MORE »

America’s greatest living political columnist, Peggy Noonan, has a heartbreaking new essay in the Wall Street Journal. Poor Peggers loved the previous, cute pope so much — she even wrote a book about him! — and now she’s stuck with this creepy old German with hollow eyes and the kind of personality that was really only effective in the military, during World War II, in Germany. MORE »

Readers, what do you have against this exotic creature known as the “booble head”? Why do you take his and the Lord’s name in vain? One concerned Wonkette visitor wants to know why you are such crazed haters that you would patronize a Web site that is basically Lucifer’s inferno, only with swear words. MORE »

When it came to presidential endorsements, Senator Bob Casey always said he’d keep his nose out of Pennsylvanian affairs until after “the voters had decided” in their April 22 primary. Now, of course, he’s getting all involved in politics like a typical politician. He will be endorsing Barack Obama today and accompanying him on a romantic bus tour after pretty much every other elected leader in Pennsylvania has come out for Hillary. What about the Healing, Senator Casey? How will Healing come to the Democratic party if people keep endorsing and voting? MORE »

Way back in the Fifth Century, Eliot Spitzer took a “white slave” to Ireland. After many years of imprisonment, Little Saint Patrick escaped back to England, which was part of Rome at the time, and he remembered his Irish slavery so fondly that he vowed to return and destroy Paganism. It only took another 1,500 years for Ted Kennedy to drunkenly crash his car off a tiny bridge and drown his girlfriend. Learn more about St. Patrick’s Day, after the jump. MORE »

There’s a public radio show that enjoys making fun of religion and specifically the various real and fake Jesus religions, apparently. And the producers of the “Fair Game” program are in big trouble today, sort of, because of a fun-filled sketch that mocked the whole communion ritual and Baptist preacher/GOP star Mike Huckabee — who used to be so fat and is from the South where almost everyone is so fat. It sounds like comedy gold … and yet some people took offense. MORE »

A Vatican official suspended after being caught on a hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. [Baltimore Sun/AP]

Rudy Guliani was asked a relatively straightforward question at a Town Hall meeting in Iowa: Is he a practicing Catholic? America’s straight-talking mayor punted: MORE »