Tag Archives: catholics

  Eating their own

People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News

Some people say...
The truth is out there, man, and the truth is pretty damn gay. Fox News’s anti-Christian, pro-butt-sechs bias has been exposed by a handful of brave truth warriors, and we now have completely verifiable and not at all made up evidence Fox has been engaged for years in a massive gay conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! How has this dastardly organization conspired for years to push the gayness onto your children and unsatisfied wives? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News…
  trial separation

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory

bob and maureen k-i-s-s-i-n-g
Above, L-R: Then-Gov. McDonnell, some guy, Moneybags Williams, Maureen the Clotheshorse, some other guy. Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia After fourteen days of prosecution testimony in Bob and Maureen McDonnell’s corruption trial, which took a turn for the soap opera with suggestions that Virginia’s ex-First Lady orchestrated years of lavish gifts because of her “crush” on a wealthy snake oil merchant, the defense team finally started presenting its case this week. Opening statements promised intimate details of the former First Marriage from the deposed governor himself, but in order to devour the meaty steak of Bob McDonnell on the stand, we first had to get through the dry salad of the nerds and their numbers. Read more on McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory…
  You Say "Te Deum" We Say "Tedium"

Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control

Another good reason to use birth control
A couple weeks back, Buzzfeed posted photos of its employees explaining why they used birth control. It’s a lot of the old, tired “I deserve a say in what happens to my body and my life,” and “I take birth control for my endometriosis” blah-blah-blah we’ve come to expect from the man-hatin’ pro-abortion left. Well, the mommy bloggers at Catholic Sistas weren’t going to take this Buzzfeed thing lying down, if you catch our drift, and we think you do. They posted their own “Why I Don’t Use Birth Control” piece, and it is just a barrel full of monkeys. Read more on Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control…
  it gets worse

Good News! So Many Other Companies Ready To Start Regulating Your Lady Parts!

Were you thinking that Monday’s Supreme Court rulings represented the nadir of awfulness for this Court term and maybe also too your natural life, law-wise, but at least you could rest easy until October when the Court would start fucking up your life again? Haha when will you ever learn? In theory, the Hobby Lobby case was only about the four types of birth control that the god-grubbing craft store thumbsuckers specifically objected to because they think they cause the ‘bortions: two types of “morning after” pills and two types of IUDs. Fun fact: many other corporations are even MORE Jesus-y than Hobby Lobby, so along the way they had also too sued the government to be shielded from the trauma of their lady employees doing any sexing with their lady parts that didn’t result in babbies. Tuesday, on the real quiet down low, the Supremes issued several orders in those other cases that make clear that the Hobby Lobby travesty can be read to encompass all religious objections, as long as those religious objections are related to birth control, of course. Read more on Good News! So Many Other Companies Ready To Start Regulating Your Lady Parts!…
  House GOP to hold vote on repealing pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

Okay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions: Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time […] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. “We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE. Read more on Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills…
  go to hell

If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says

How much fun is it having this new liberal pansy-ass Pope with his “public transit” and his “the poor are human” stuff like a common wimp? Just kidding! This is not “fun.” This has at least one U.S. archbishop very concerned about maintaining the Church’s manly image. That, we think, is the only conceivable reason we can think of to explain Detroit Archbishop Allen Vigneron’s recent panicky proclamation that Catholics who believe gays have a right to civil marriage should not take Communion. That should butch it up a notch! Read more on If You Don’t Sufficiently Hate Gay Marriage We’ll Drop You In Lake Of Fire, Detroit Archbishop Basically Says…
  happy holidays!

Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons

Libruls really hit the holiday jackpot this week! First, we had Martin Luther King, Jr. Day and Inauguration Day at the same time, which appropriately coincided with the made-up Fox News holiday, “Sadness Day” (a holiday Olds celebrate by eating burnt pot roast and scowling at Wheel of Fortune). But the fun did not stop there! Yesterday marked the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, which is a Supreme Court decision that lots of people have heard of, yet as the New York Times points out, remains a mystery among the vast majority of America’s tween population, who recognize abortion as that thing that will get an episode of their favorite Canadian teen drama series banned on Nickelodeon. Read more on Nation Celebrates Roe v. Wade Birthday With Scary Videos, Hypocrisy, Balloons…
  oh ok got it

Fox ‘Person': Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers

Greg Gutfeld (Oh my god, Greg, what happened to you, besides too many Crunchwrap Supremes?) is a member of a strange five-person cult that appears on Fox News every day. He thinks he is funny. He used to edit men’s magazines. He used to look like this (fig. 1), of a time. In 2010, during the whole Ground Zero mosque debacle, Gutfeld proposed building a gay bar for Muslims next to the mosque in “an effort to break down barriers and reduce deadly homophobia in the Islamic world.” Nice try (or rather, Hmm, we must acknowledge that you spoke those words), and/but vomit and WTF. Now, Greg tried to make his cult members laugh at Monday’s cult gathering by saying that the difference between Muslims and Catholics is that “Catholics write letters and Muslims stab you with letter openers.” Read more on Fox ‘Person': Catholics Write Letters, Muslims Stab You With Letter Openers…
  forehead blackening protocol not recognized rebooting

What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?

Reddit user “oldbean” asks the question that would have already been running through all of our heads, if we weren’t such godless scum: Will Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have ash on their foreheads in tonight’s [CNN] debate? HUH. Good question! Here are the predictions your Wonkette overlords made in the super double-secret plus cubed chatroom where we set the liberal homosexual agenda. Read more on What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?…
  let freedom whine

Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom

Baked potato-wielding beacon of strength and apparent modern-day Sisyphus Glenn Beck has gone symbolically Catholic, despite being a Mormon, in order to stand with freedom-loving Catholics over the contraception mandate that Obama is trying to affix to the health plans of companies affiliated with the Catholic Church. Amusingly, it looks like a great number of Actual Catholics actually support contraception mandates and/or the President, but nonetheless, the crazies are trying to get a freedom amendment attached to a bill that has to do with CARS! — what? This government is stupid — because it is the only way to get Obama to blindly sign on to freedom without realizing what he’s doing despite the fact that the entire media is now spilling the details of this brilliant top-secret strategy. Beck also stole his new mantra — “We are all Catholics now” — from another utterer of words, Mike Huckabee. Read more on Mormon Glenn Beck Converts America to Catholicism Because…Freedom…
  inquisition slash fiction

K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit

Wingnut Catholic slash-fiction blog National Review Online insisted, at 4 a.m. today (!), that fake Catholic convert Newt Gingrich quit losing the GOP primary and instead let authentic Catholic wingnut Rick Santorum continue losing against Mormon liberal Mitt Romney. This is apparently news, even though Kathryn Jean Lopez has always loved Rick Santorum nearly as much as she loves Joseph Ratzinger in his lovely Prada slippers and bejeweled hat and silken dress. Will Newt respect the decision of K-Lo and immediately drop out of the race, to allow Rick Santorum a longer public moment to discuss sperm and gynecology and the right holes to ejaculate into, etc.? There is, after all, a sense that America needs this, for the next 10 or 11 months straight. Read more on K-Lo’s Wingnut Blog, ‘National Review Online,’ Tells Newt Gingrich To Quit…
  election year betrayals

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. Read more on Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men…
  pope vs. hope

Obama and Pope Battle Over Free Condoms In Hellish Cathedral

The Taiwanese animators behind these weird videos sometimes know even less about an American Political Controversy than any random sack of highly paid pundits on the U.S. cable news. But that’s not really a hindrance when there are lots of comical human-sized condoms with feet dancing around while Barack Obama beats the shit out of the Pope. [NMA TV] Read more on Obama and Pope Battle Over Free Condoms In Hellish Cathedral…
  a children's history of catholic terrorism

America Stuck With All These Guy Fawkes Masks, We Guess

As this photo from our #OWS correspondent KenLayIsAlive makes clear, the guys with the Guy Fawkes masks are well represented at Occupy Wall Street and many other Protest Occupations around the country. The cultural trajectory of this mask is sometimes hard to follow, but here’s our attempt to explain it, and also explain why it creeps us out. Read more on America Stuck With All These Guy Fawkes Masks, We Guess…
  it's morning in america

‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?

According to Real Clear Politics, which we were certain was just a dumping ground for releases by right-wing pollsters, but apparently has HUMAN or HUMAN-LIKE writers, Rick Perry is being considered for the Republican presidential nomination. “RCP has learned that political associates have begun to nose around quietly on Perry’s behalf.” Ooh! “Political associates!” (This was definitely written by a machine.) “The Perry chatter has been so discreet that nearly a dozen early-state GOP operatives and consultants contacted by RCP hadn’t heard a word about it.” That’s funny. Chatter that Rick Perry invented the bagel had been so discreet that all the GOP operatives we consulted said the same thing about that. [Real Clear Politics] Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?… Read more on ‘Rick Perry Presidential Push Quietly Gains Steam'; Haha, What?…
  soiled

John Boehner Obsessed With Being an ‘Adult,’ Also Has Diaper Problem

John Boehner is becoming House speaker. It is time to learn who John Boehner is. John Boehner is a dull shell of a human. According to a new profile of the man, John Boehner, who has very sensitive tear ducts, seems to be very worried that he will be perceived as a child. “This is going to be probably the first really big adult moment,” he said about his party having a majority in the new Congress. (It doesn’t say whether his voice cracked when he uttered this.) John Boehner does not care about strategy, message, or public policy. He only cares about appearing the most adult person in the room. This makes him seem a bit insecure; perhaps this is an outlook better suited to a precocious child than a statesman. But it all makes sense when you find out that John Boehner has his very own diaper problem. Read more on John Boehner Obsessed With Being an ‘Adult,’ Also Has Diaper Problem…
  aids always ruins christmas

National Portrait Gallery Removes Ant Crucifix Art After GOP Threats

The Smithsonian’s National Portrait Gallery has removed a video exhibit portraying the suffering of an AIDS victim because the Catholic League complained and John Boehner and Eric Cantor whined and threatened the institution’s funding. The video in question features a bit of footage of a crucifix sitting on a pile of dirt and ants, some of which walk on it, because ants are EVIL. “I regret that some reports about the exhibit have created an impression that the video is intentionally sacrilegious,” the Portrait Gallery said in a statement. “It was not the museum’s intention to offend.” Yeah, it’s generally not the intention of anyone to offend! But it will happen, if enough people see a thing. And that makes it acceptable for the House Republican leadership to threaten censorship and bully art institutions. Read more on National Portrait Gallery Removes Ant Crucifix Art After GOP Threats…
  elijah would

Christine O’Donnell Reveals Her Feminist Icons: LOTR Characters

Hey, somebody sent us the full article from Christine O’Donnell’s admission yesterday that she had lots of sex in college! Thanks, “Kyle M.” “I’m a conservative woman, but many conservative men really are chauvinistic,” she said in the article, as one of the reasons why now nobody wants to be with her. And also, when asked about watching The Apprentice, she said this: “Number one, I have no social life.” But there is also a strange claim that she “writes columns” that have appeared “mostly” on catholicexchange.com. Except she only wrote one article for that site, and it’s about how the female characters of Lord of the Rings are strong feminist icons. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Reveals Her Feminist Icons: LOTR Characters…
 

Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey

Pope Benedict’s trip to England started on a sort of racist, not-helpful note. But the Big XVI has recovered, and he even told the Limey newspaper men that you know, isn’t it a pity the Church was able to suppress allegations of child abuse for so long? Read more on Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey…
  the soylent green lobby is gearing up

Christine O’Donnell Is Against EVERYTHING Fun

We all know that Christine O’Donnell finds it offensive, against the LORD, when someone has not yet found (or been assigned by their father or local bishop) that oppositely-sexed person with whom he or she will be spending eternity making babies, and yet they decide to sate the baby-making urge while touching their “sin place,” possibly while listening to R&B music and looking at scantily-clad actresses on basic cable. But what other enjoyable activities will Christine ban, once she is senator? The Politico, which under the O’Donnell Regime will by law be distributed to every house in the land to inform the people of the new lists of mandated and forbidden actions, offers this hint on its front page today. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Is Against EVERYTHING Fun…
  if ronald reagan's ghost says it's true

At Long Last, HERE Is the Catholic Menace

Why has it taken so many years for the Catholics to destroy our government? It is because they come over here on ships made of potatoes and ravioli from poor countries like Italy and Ireland and are lazy. But now they have finally decided to do it, according to a very frightening YouTube video from CatholicVote.org. Whereas our current, non-Catholic leaders literally DO NOT HAVE FACES, after the November election, a hockey team will run Congress and the pope will be president of manufacturing and space. Or something like that. Read more on At Long Last, HERE Is the Catholic Menace…
  the ghosts of basil and pagels live on

Jesus Romantic Chris Young Is Your Next Providence Mayor

Chris Young is a perennial mayoral candidate in Providence, Rhode Island. As you can see in the video above, he knows that the most important part of politics is pulling out a music recording and singing along to the psalm you wrote about Jesus. DID YOU LEARN ANYTHING, WONKETEERS? Previously Young was kicked out of a debate holding a statue of the Virgin Mary, and another time he got angry and flipped over a debate table. Last night, though, he was on his “best behavior.” He proposed to his GIRLFRIEND as his closing statement, though that may have been just been a cynical ploy to get the audience to go “awwwwwwww.” Read more on Jesus Romantic Chris Young Is Your Next Providence Mayor…