Tag Archives: catholicism

  supreme wisdom

Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler

TOO S-M-R-T FOR YOU.
Oh, Justice Scalia, what would the Supreme Court do without you? It’s such a comfort to know that a brilliant, HILARIOUS legal mind like yours is adjudicating America’s Most Important Questions. Scalia spoke at his grandbaby’s high school graduation and thought the kids might enjoy a fun joke, about Hitler: Read more on Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler…
  Not The Moral Equivalent Of The Founding Fathers But No Slouch

Vatican Decides El Salvador’s Archbishop Romero Died For Jesus, Not Marx

We *think* this is a tribute...
Big Catholic news: Archbishop Oscar Romero just might be a saint, even if he was a liberal. A panel of theologians that considers cases for sainthood has determined that when Romero was murdered by a rightwing death squad in 1980, he was not just the victim of a political assassination, but also a martyr to the cause of Jesus and the faith. We guess the Vatican is no longer officially the same place where John Paul II warned against the threat of “liberation theology!” This bit of wrangling angels into an acceptable position on the head of a pin is a significant step toward Romero’s possible canonization as a saint, which is a seriously weird process of theological bureaucracy. Read more on Vatican Decides El Salvador’s Archbishop Romero Died For Jesus, Not Marx…
  Some Men Just Want To Call The World Flat

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition

Holy nightmare fuel, Batman!
Most of the news today is predictably awful, so we will just skim it, thank you. Good god, you people aren’t actually relying on Yr Wonkette to be informed, are you? It looks like the government of Hong Kong is trying to avoid going all Tienanmen Square on pro-democracy protesters, so that’s a good thing. The federal government is trying to reach out to disaffected Muslim youth in America to prevent them from joining ISIS and other terrorist groups, a task which is made difficult by the fact that the government has done so much to treat American Muslims like pariahs (and American wingnuts keep calling for more). See the treatment of NPR’s Sarah Abdurrahman during a routine crossing from Canada back into the US last year for an example of actions that may be even more likely than AP History to make people hate this government. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Tom Friedman Rented ‘Batman’ Edition…
  You Say "Te Deum" We Say "Tedium"

Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control

Another good reason to use birth control
A couple weeks back, Buzzfeed posted photos of its employees explaining why they used birth control. It’s a lot of the old, tired “I deserve a say in what happens to my body and my life,” and “I take birth control for my endometriosis” blah-blah-blah we’ve come to expect from the man-hatin’ pro-abortion left. Well, the mommy bloggers at Catholic Sistas weren’t going to take this Buzzfeed thing lying down, if you catch our drift, and we think you do. They posted their own “Why I Don’t Use Birth Control” piece, and it is just a barrel full of monkeys. Read more on Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control…
  the gospel from outer space

Pope Francis: Sure, We’ll Baptize E.T.

Pope Francis joked — or so they want us to believe — that he would happily welcome extraterrestrials into the Catholic Church. “If tomorrow, for example, an expedition of Martians arrives and some of them come to us … and if one of them says: ‘Me, I want to be baptized!’ what would happen?” We love New Pope as much as ever, but we aren’t entirely sure he’s thought this through. Like, what if they aren’t friendly Little Greys and are instead some nasty H.R. Giger Xenomorphs who are far more interested in a more literal version of sharing our body and blood? Read more on Pope Francis: Sure, We’ll Baptize E.T….
  ask not what your textbook can do for you

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier

We told you last week that we were finished with the 1950s and moving into the ’60s, and we are — but by a quirk of editing, both of our history textbooks for the Christian school market have shoehorned the Kennedy administration into the very end of their chapters on the Fifties, the better to emphasize what they see as the chaos and degeneracy of nearly everything that happened after November 22, 1963. We can see the thematic logic of that, so keep in mind that as we talk about Kennedy this week, both of our textbooks treat him as a kind of footnote to Eisenhower, a nice-looking fellow who died under unfortunate circumstances and who liberals pay far too much attention to. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks With The Right Dynamic For the New Frontier…
  vatileaks are nasty

Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement

Oh boy, here we go! This week may have started out all “slow-newsy-snoozey” but never fear, wonketteers! The fabulous ruby-slippered Pope’s retirement has become embroiled in a scandal described with words like “seething hotbed of intrigue and infighting.” What? Oh yes! Let the hunt for all double entendres possible commence! A potentially explosive report has linked the resignation of Pope Benedict XVI to the discovery of a network of gay prelates in the Vatican, some of whom – the report said – were being blackmailed by outsiders. The pope’s spokesman declined to confirm or deny the report, which was carried by the Italian daily newspaper La Repubblica. Declined to confirm or deny? Well that just begs for some rampant speculation — and innuendo, don’t forget that part — and let’s try to figure out what happened besides the obvious, which is that gays and their gayness ruin everything. Read more on Let’s All Blame The Gays For The Pope’s Retirement…
  faster food kill kill

Italian Priest to Women Everywhere: Stop Hitting Yourself

Welp, it has been over a month since we had to write about the Catholic Church or one of its constituent pieces being generally terrible. (Please to note this does not mean that they didn’t DO anything terrible for over a month – just that we were too busy drinking and warring on Christmas to pay attention.) Nothing gold can stay, dear readers, so we’re back on the Catholic beat. What terrible new thing did some priest do this Christmas season? We are sure there are horrible pedo priest examples to be found, and the Pope did decide to make his Christmas message of peace about fags and their holy buttsechs, but right now we wanna focus on hating the ladies: Read more on Italian Priest to Women Everywhere: Stop Hitting Yourself…
  This Week: Getting Medieval

Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 2)

Welcome back to our exciting Sunday series of visits to the apocalyptic fever-dream that is Christianist America, as revealed through what kids learn in Christian-oriented textbooks. This week, we continue to loot and pillage World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, 2nd Ed. , a 10th-grade history (we do not say “social studies!”) text published in 1997. (As we noted last time, an updated edition was published in 2010; we are looking on ebay, because why would we give money to the publisher?). If the World Isn’t 6000 Years Old, We Can’t Believe Anything The best way to counter public schools’ subtle secular indoctrination, the Christian education movement reasons, is to douse Christian boys and girls with a bucket of unsubtle religious indoctrination. So it really should be no surprise that the second page of a world history book would include a screed on the dangers of science: Read more on Fun With Christianists: Things You Can Learn in a Christian ‘World History & Cultures’ Textbook (Part 2)…
  forehead blackening protocol not recognized rebooting

What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?

Reddit user “oldbean” asks the question that would have already been running through all of our heads, if we weren’t such godless scum: Will Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich have ash on their foreheads in tonight’s [CNN] debate? HUH. Good question! Here are the predictions your Wonkette overlords made in the super double-secret plus cubed chatroom where we set the liberal homosexual agenda. Read more on What Will Be On/In Newt And Rick At Tonight’s Debate, For Ash Wednesday?…
  they'd spend all the collection plate money on prada shoes

Santorum Not About To Have Obama’s Lady Priests Telling Him What To Do

Cadaverous walking smirk Rick Santorum must still be high on endorphins from Tuesday’s surprise threesome in some meaningless/game-changing voting things. Having seen how turgid the prospects of Abortionplexes and FEMA-officiated gay marriage have been making conservative voters of late, Santorum is preparing a new front in the Culture Wars that, incidentally, also feed and shod his family. So, uh, down with Barack Obama and his quest to force Catholics to ordain lady priests like a bunch of common Episcopalians! Read more on Santorum Not About To Have Obama’s Lady Priests Telling Him What To Do…
  #winning

Gingrich Spokesman Constantly Fiddling With Newt’s Wikipedia Page

The number one reason nobody likes pedantic swamp bubble Newt Gingrich is because of all the horrible things they are reading about him on his Wikipedia page, obviously. Why else would Newt campaign spokesman Joe DeSantis spend so much time glued to his computer belaboring minor edits to Newt and Callista’s Wikipedia entries that even CNN finally bothered to notice and make fun of it? Read more on Gingrich Spokesman Constantly Fiddling With Newt’s Wikipedia Page…
  Catholic Inquisition Remix

Tea Party Invades Catholic Church, Reinstitutes Witch Hunts

The Roman Catholic Church is not really known for its progressive tendencies, mostly because of that Nazi Pope and its other irrational hatreds, which are as innumerable as the number of angels that can dance on the head of a pin. Sadly, this is not enough for the true Catholics living in God’s holy light, who happen to share all the most-fun Tea Party tendencies. Read more on Tea Party Invades Catholic Church, Reinstitutes Witch Hunts…
  elijah would

Christine O’Donnell Reveals Her Feminist Icons: LOTR Characters

Hey, somebody sent us the full article from Christine O’Donnell’s admission yesterday that she had lots of sex in college! Thanks, “Kyle M.” “I’m a conservative woman, but many conservative men really are chauvinistic,” she said in the article, as one of the reasons why now nobody wants to be with her. And also, when asked about watching The Apprentice, she said this: “Number one, I have no social life.” But there is also a strange claim that she “writes columns” that have appeared “mostly” on catholicexchange.com. Except she only wrote one article for that site, and it’s about how the female characters of Lord of the Rings are strong feminist icons. Read more on Christine O’Donnell Reveals Her Feminist Icons: LOTR Characters…
  baba booey baba booey christ is lord

Chris Young Turns Cutesy MSNBC Interview Into Jesus Thing, Has Fiancée Read Off Jesus Paper

Chris Young is a crazy singing Jesus guy who is running for mayor of Providence, Rhode Island and made a gimmicky “marriage proposal” in a debate the other day, as we wrote about yesterday. MSNBC thought this marriage proposal was cute and decided it would make a cute morning interview, but apparently they have not watched the other videos of this guy, so the interview just got weird as Young tried to stick in all his crazy Jesus arguments and made his fiancée read off his list of “talking points” after she messed one of them up. Read more on Chris Young Turns Cutesy MSNBC Interview Into Jesus Thing, Has Fiancée Read Off Jesus Paper…
  the stench of death

Abortion Haters Go Nuts, Really Nuts, At Notre Dame

By now you should all be familiar with K-Lo’s Papist Army Rebellion at Notre Dame, where wingnuts are mad that President Obama — whose morning routine includes having a MASSIVE partial-birth abortion between potty and tooth-brushing time — will be the University’s commencement speaker. A Wonkette operative in South Bend writes: “How are you not writing about the Abortion Plane?! I’m here at Notre Dame, future speaking site of President Obama (unless he wises up and makes a run for it), and the ever-awesome Center For Bioethical Reform has hired a plane to circle over campus over the last few days, trailing a giant fetus poster.” And in a later e-mail the operative adds, “They brought baby carriages and fake blood, too!” But the best part here is a letter the Center for Bioethical Reform sent in response to one student who had asked them to maybe stop being so annoying. It includes such gems as, “The sewers of South Bend are literally running red with the blood of Notre Dame’s children.” LITERALLY. Read more on Abortion Haters Go Nuts, Really Nuts, At Notre Dame…