Tag: catholic church
Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt
Don't eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from...
NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians
The National Organization For Marriage (NOM nom nom), you know them, right? Hilariously failed organization that for some reason still exists, even though the Supreme Court crammed gay marriage right up all American bottoms at the end of June,...
Minnesota Archdiocese Busted For Protecting Kid-Diddling Priest
Here's a rare thing: The Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is facing criminal charges for mishandling a priest who mishandled children. The prosecutor says church officials "turned a blind eye" to the priest's sexual abuse of two boys. The...
Rick Santorum: Dumb Pope Francis Needs To Shut His Mouth About Climate Change
Rick Santorum is a Catholic lawyer who likes long piggyback rides on the beach with Jesus and snuggle time with dead fetuses. Pope Francis is the boss of Catholics, and he also has a masters' degree in chemistry, from his...
Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack
Bill O'Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian,...
Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble
The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way....
Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism
There's this Catholic Cardinal -- Raymond Cardinal Burke -- and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire....
New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing
Is there no limit to the new pope's willingness to reject right-wing ideology because it's, you know, stupid? In addition to getting his hands dirty with poor people and telling American bishops to chill the eff out on all...
Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks
It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he is making up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke -- again! -- to a ceremonial job with no influence...
If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor
When it comes to Ebola, there's what the experts say -- no, travel bans won't work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can't get Ebola by looking at a picture of President...
Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much
Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won't. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques...
Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church's praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about...
Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell
Some very strange things are happening at this year's Vatican Sleepaway Synod -- the annual gathering of the Catholic Church's bishops to decide who's in and who's out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7...
Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed
Pope Francis I and a whole bunch of cardinals and bishops are holding a great big conference on marriage and the family, and so, as complete strangers to how marriages actually work (if they can be said to work...
New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War
Sometimes we like New Pope, like when he is all, "The church should stop obsessing about Bortions and The Gays, Jesus Christ!" and "Greed-is-good Reaganomics ruined everything, let's all be socialist communist takers instead" and also that time he...
Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him
Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There's a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super...
