catholic church
Catholic Church Update: Still Terrible, Still Stacking Cash So Tall They Could Climb It
We’ve been thinking a lot about how to streamline our workload, synergize our growth goals, lifehack a four-hour work week, and generally figure out ways to be even more lazy. One of the proactive methodologies we’re considering is creating a one-touch macro so we can efficiently deploy a post every time the Catholic Church does […]
Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President
Remember that one time when President Barack Hussein Hitler Obama was all, like, “Hey, ladies, how would you like it if your health insurance had to cover birth control, without copays, because all the doctor types say that is just good common sense, and it will be better for your health and your families and […]
Vatican Advisor Says True Thing
We here at Wonkette mostly luuuuurve our new pope, New Pope. He is a communist (communism!)! He saved and returned all his newspaper rubber bands every month (loves the environment!)! He went to the slums and did Mass for hookers (like Bizarro American Jesus!)! He did his own cooking and lived in a little apartment […]
Peggy Noonan Simply Does Not Care For All You Heathens Mockinge Her Inerrante Churche
It is time for pope-choosing and magick, and Peggy Noonan has once again taken to the pixels of the Wall Street Money-Changers’ Gazette to Opine and feel the Breath of God. But ho! Some hooligans go on the picture-box and criticize the Church and throw out words like “celibacy” and “pedophile” when discussing it! And […]
Priest Booted For Failing To Be As Terrible As Pope
Happy Day-Before-Thanksgiving, Wonkette fans. Have you been making your list of what you are thankful for? We at Wonkette are deeply thankful that we haven’t had to write about something awful the Catholic Church has done in, oh, minutes! GAH. Catholic Church please stop being horrible long enough for last week’s awfulness to roll off […]
Nobody Expects The Minnesota-Teens-Who-Approve-Of-Gay-Marriage Inquisition!
We all know that the holy rite of communion is not available to divorced Catholics, remarried Catholics, and nuns who are hospital administrators and allow women whose lives are in immediate danger from their pregnancies to get abortions. (And may get excommunicated, depending.) (Oh and it’s still available to priests who rape their charges, because […]
Actual United States Congressmen: Free Birth Control Sinks Their Battleships
Remember in 1990, when conservatives shrieked and moaned about the threat to religious freedom that was the Supreme Court upholding a ban on Native Americans’ sacramental Tripping Off of the Balls? You don’t? That is because those people were Indians. But today? Today, Aug. 1, 2012, is a Day That Shall Live in Infamy. This […]
Iowa Congressman Cannot Even Breathe, He Is Laughing So Hard About Doing Violence To Nuns
What is the funniest joke you heard today? Did it have dicks in it? It probably had dicks in it. What is the best joke Iowa congressman Tom Latham has heard lately? “There’s a bus-ful of nuns headed toward Washington to lobby againt the Ryan Plan. Could you, do you have any power to pull […]
Catholic Church Patiently Explains ‘Religious Freedom’ To More Uppity Nuns
WOMEN! All the Church wants them to do is take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, and in return they can … live in poverty, chastity, and obedience! (Did you know that when a woman takes her nunly vows, it is not the holy rite of ordination like a priest would get?) But also in […]
Catholic Church Investigating New Threat To Humanity: The Girl Scouts
We wonder if there is anything the Catholic Church could be investigating besides the Girl Scouts of America? NO. There is NOT. Nothing at all, move along, move along! Yes, Mother Church is busy investigating whether it should … well, not sure. Thunder from the pulpit about their evil ways? Discourage parish-based troops? Tell the […]
Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway? (VIDEO)
The Pope and Fidel Castro met in Havana for what was apparently a fun contest to see which octogenarian could be more passive-aggressive. Fidel was all, yeah mang, saw you on the teevee, then played dumb about why the Mass had changed since he was a child (presumably Castro is aware of the Church’s liberalizing […]
WI Senator Wants Law Saying Single Parents Are Probably Child Abusers
Reducing rates of child abuse and neglect is a topic everyone can agree is important. Now, says Wisconsin state Senator Glenn Grothman, let us consult the Ouija board to figure out which entire category of people make up the secret witches behind this evil and make a law telling everyone to hurl poop and screams […]
Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies
“In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the pope said. “It was maintained – even within the realm of Catholic theology – that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a ‘better than’ and a ‘worse […]
