Tag Archives: catholic church

  bow your heads with great respect and genuflect! genuflect! genuflect!

‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’

George Carlin, like Kurt Vonnegut and Isaac Asimov, is up in heaven now. And he is almost certainly looking down at New York City and preparing twenty minutes of standup for all his fellow atheist angels on this story: after three years of negotiations to name a street after him, “George Carlin Way” is finally a reality. And in a bureaucratic screwup, the section of West 121st Street that was renamed ended up being two blocks, not the single block that had been agreed upon, and so one of the addresses on that two-block stretch is the very Catholic church whose priests opposed honoring Carlin and had negotiated hard to not be on George Carlin Way. Read more on ‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’…
  what is 'legal'?

Bishop Doesn’t Know If He Knew Doing Sex To Kids Was Against The Law

You know how when you are being deposed or whatever, you are supposed to only answer the question put to you and never volunteer anything? And you know how also sometimes people on trial for shit or being questioned for something give super-comical totally not-disingenuous answers where they “don’t recall”? Well, Archbishop Robert Carlson — formerly of Minneapolis/St. Paul, and now presiding over the souls of Good St. Louis — took that to its logical extreme in a deposition about priests under his command raping children, when he told his deposers that he does not recall whether he knew doing sex to children was against the law. Read more on Bishop Doesn’t Know If He Knew Doing Sex To Kids Was Against The Law…
  just saying might not want to click this one

Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled

Woo! Time to Supreme Court Celebrate! Apparently we’ve set the bar so low for this particular Court that we are now counting as a victory for the good guys the most minor of things, like the fact that the court today announced that they will make it a wee bit harder to execute someone who is on the cusp of an intellectual disability diagnosis. We’re number one! We’re number one! Is there a whiny dissent from Samuel Alito? Awww hell yeah. Read more on Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled…
  shame shame

Catholic School Principal Must Atone Forever For Sin Of Putting Ellen DeGeneres On School Dance Fliers

Was your high school principal always trying to be down with the kids, but then did something embarrassing like putting pix of Kid’n’Play on a flier – in 2004? Pity the poor Catholic school principal who tried to be cool by using Ellen Degeneres’s Oscar photo to flog a dance, forgetting that Ellen is a big homosexxican and that the Catholic Church kinda frowns on that. Read more on Catholic School Principal Must Atone Forever For Sin Of Putting Ellen DeGeneres On School Dance Fliers…
  Boys will be boys

Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else

So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault. Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes: The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago. For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. Read more on Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else…
  new sheriff in town

New Pope Probably Getting Ready To Announce Vatican III, Mandatory Gay Marriages

Man, we are pretty jealous of the person who got to write the headline for the AP article on the big Pope Francis and His Cardinals Jamboree this week, because they somehow slipped “Pope Opens Big Week With Sex, Divorce On Agenda” past their editors. Believe the hype of the headline, though, because our current fave pope, New Pope, is taking on the many many third rails of the Catholic Church, most of which involve whom you have sex with and when. Meetings this week between Pope Francis and his cardinals will deal with some of the thorniest issues facing the church, including the rejection by most Catholics of some of its core teaching on premarital sex, contraception, gays and divorce. German Cardinal Walter Kasper, who has called for “changes and openings” in the church’s treatment of divorced and remarried Catholics, will give the keynote speech Thursday to the pope and cardinals attending a preparatory meeting for an October summit on family issues. Read more on New Pope Probably Getting Ready To Announce Vatican III, Mandatory Gay Marriages…
  if this doesnt work we'll call in dumbledore

Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing

Well hello, GAYmerica. Because the frothy LGBT agenda is being smeared all over this great land, this little mommyblog has not been reporting on every state that legalizes gay marriage, which everyone knows is like poking G-d in the eye with your dick. However, some sorcerers bishops in a Chicago coven Church want to get all double double toil and trouble hocus pocus on Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn. When Quinn signs the same-sex marriage bill into law, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield has graciously announced that he shall offer prayers for “exorcism in reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage.” This is just the kind of reaction that New Pope was hoping for when he sought to focus less on divisive social issues, so well done Bishop Paprocki.  Read more on Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing…
  they should at least stop issuing lolita sunglasses to the altar boys

Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids

Right on the heels of suspending the “Bling Bishop,” New Pope has another misbehaving European prelate on his hands: Archbishop Jozef Michalik, the head of the Polish Episcopate, who kind of made everybody in Poland groan and slap their foreheads (we hope?) for suggesting that children abused by priests share some of the blame for getting themselves raped: A child from a troubled family, Michalik told reporters, “seeks closeness with others and may get lost and may get the other person involved, too.” Yes. If these troubled children would just stop being so darned seductive and pouty and vulnerable and most importantly alone, then adult men would not be tempted to do sexual predation on them. That’s just basic psychology, straight from the gospel of personal pedophile responsibility. Read more on Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids…
  born to pope

Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man

However you feel about Pope Francis, your newish President of Christmas Classic, it’s hard to argue that he isn’t a vast improvement over the last guy. For example, we liked when Newish Pope washed Muslim girl feet, something we couldn’t picture Benny Sixteen doing unless money was furtively exchanged, along with the understanding that nobody must ever know of it. We also liked when Francis told everyone not to be dicks to poor people, and we really liked when he said Catholics should not be “obsessed” with gays, abortions, and slut pills. And now we like this new thing he said, which was: “The faith becomes ideology and ideology frightens, ideology chases away the people, distances, distances the people and distances of the Church of the people,” Francis added. “But it is a serious illness, this of ideological Christians. It is an illness, but it is not new, eh?” Love that “Eh?” because it allows us to picture the scene, his eyes a-twinkle — did he wink? — as he pats our heads, then turns and like, flies in the air or something. Read more on Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man…
  House GOP to hold vote on repealing pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

Okay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions: Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time […] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. “We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE. Read more on Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills…
  faith-off

New Pope Insists On Being Nice To Atheists & Driving An Old Renault

Dang it, New Pope, you just keep being awesome, and saying stuff that makes us think you actually understand some of that Jesus stuff. For instance, there’s the letter published in the Italian newspaper La Repubblica yesterday in response to some skeptical questions from its former editor Eugenio Scalfari. What kind of hellfire and damnation is this? Read more on New Pope Insists On Being Nice To Atheists & Driving An Old Renault…
  help help he's being oppressed

Catholic Bishop Explains How The Church Has Handled That Sexual Abuse Thingy Quite Nicely, Thanks

We know you people have not approved of our recurring NewPopeNiceTime feature, but we do not care. However, we’ll throw you a bone today and talk about how really super terrible one Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Illinois is on account of how he thinks that we’re gonna close all the churches because of being all pagan now and because the Catholic Church has handled the sexual abuse scandal pretty much better than anyone else would, yep yep. Read more on Catholic Bishop Explains How The Church Has Handled That Sexual Abuse Thingy Quite Nicely, Thanks…
  debt comes for the archbishop

Federal Judge Says Catholic Church Can Hide Assets From Abuse Victims, For Freedom

Seems like only the beginning of this month that we were all outraged and stuff about the terrible news that the Archdiocese of Milwaukee was playing hide-the-assets in an attempt to avoid paying compensation to victims of sex abuse. And now, not only has a federal judge declined to say, “No, Archbishop, that’s arch-villainous,” the judge actually went several steps further and granted the Archdiocese ridiculously broad immunity from federal bankruptcy law, basically saying that large chunks of religious institutions’ finances are exempt from scrutiny under the First Amendment. Please summarize for us, ThinkProgress: While the ostensible issue in this case is whether over $50 million in church funds are shielded from a bankruptcy proceeding triggered largely by a flood of clerical sex abuse claims against the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, Judge Rudolph Randa reads the church’s constitutional and legal right to religious liberty so broadly as to render religious institutions immune from much of the law. That’s some catch. Read more on Federal Judge Says Catholic Church Can Hide Assets From Abuse Victims, For Freedom…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors

New Pope is making us happy again, Wonkeroos. He’s on a trip to Brazil where he is doing awesome New Popey things like riding in an open-air vehicle to be closer to the people, and actually walking into people’s homes to give them high-fives and stuff. The guy is goddam fucking just plain awesome.* And what makes our librul bleeding hearts become moar bleedier is when he says stuff like this, from WaPo: In his remarks in Varginha [Brazil], the pope criticized the “culture of selfishness and individualism,” spoke of how the wealthy need to do more to end social injustice and told residents to “never yield to discouragement” because of corruption. Ah, yes – calling on the wealthy to do more to end social injustice. As citizens of the wealthiest country on earth, we are super-excited to see what U.S. politicians and Catholic Churches do in the wake of this kind of conversation!  Read more on Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors…
  protecting your ass and your assets

Catholic Church Update: Still Terrible, Still Stacking Cash So Tall They Could Climb It

We’ve been thinking a lot about how to streamline our workload, synergize our growth goals, lifehack a four-hour work week, and generally figure out ways to be even more lazy. One of the proactive methodologies we’re considering is creating a one-touch macro so we can efficiently deploy a post every time the Catholic Church does something incredibly awful related to the pedophile priest scandal. We could save literally MINUTES by having pre-written and recycled this post because all we really need to point out is that they are being horrible again. Today’s particular flavor of horrible: moving assets around so that they could insulate themselves from legal claims from victims: Read more on Catholic Church Update: Still Terrible, Still Stacking Cash So Tall They Could Climb It…
  Thou shalt not have ladyparts health care the Lord did not sayeth

Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President

Remember that one time when President Barack Hussein Hitler Obama was all, like, “Hey, ladies, how would you like it if your health insurance had to cover birth control, without copays, because all the doctor types say that is just good common sense, and it will be better for your health and your families and your pocketbook and everyone wins?” and the ladies (and friends-of-ladies who like to do sex with ladies) were all, “Yup, sounds good,” and then America died because that was the WORST THING WHAT HAD EVER HAPPENED EVER? (You probably don’t remember it happening exactly that way, since America didn’t actually die because we are still here, we think, but just go with it.) Congressional Republicans tried to protect our freedomz with a bill giving employers the right to decide what kind of health care their employees should and shouldn’t have according to what rightwing jackholes on the radio told them their “religious beliefs” are. They insisted the only way to protect employers’ freedom was to take it away from their employees because that’s how democracy works. But everyone else in America thought that was really stupid, so that bill did not become a law. Read more on Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President…