Tag Archives: catholic church

  debt comes for the archbishop

Federal Judge Says Catholic Church Can Hide Assets From Abuse Victims, For Freedom

Seems like only the beginning of this month that we were all outraged and stuff about the terrible news that the Archdiocese of Milwaukee was playing hide-the-assets in an attempt to avoid paying compensation to victims of sex abuse. And now, not only has a federal judge declined to say, “No, Archbishop, that’s arch-villainous,” the judge actually went several steps further and granted the Archdiocese ridiculously broad immunity from federal bankruptcy law, basically saying that large chunks of religious institutions’ finances are exempt from scrutiny under the First Amendment. Please summarize for us, ThinkProgress: While the ostensible issue in this case is whether over $50 million in church funds are shielded from a bankruptcy proceeding triggered largely by a flood of clerical sex abuse claims against the Archdiocese of Milwaukee, Judge Rudolph Randa reads the church’s constitutional and legal right to religious liberty so broadly as to render religious institutions immune from much of the law. That’s some catch. Read more on Federal Judge Says Catholic Church Can Hide Assets From Abuse Victims, For Freedom…
  nice time!

Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors

New Pope is making us happy again, Wonkeroos. He’s on a trip to Brazil where he is doing awesome New Popey things like riding in an open-air vehicle to be closer to the people, and actually walking into people’s homes to give them high-fives and stuff. The guy is goddam fucking just plain awesome.* And what makes our librul bleeding hearts become moar bleedier is when he says stuff like this, from WaPo: In his remarks in Varginha [Brazil], the pope criticized the “culture of selfishness and individualism,” spoke of how the wealthy need to do more to end social injustice and told residents to “never yield to discouragement” because of corruption. Ah, yes – calling on the wealthy to do more to end social injustice. As citizens of the wealthiest country on earth, we are super-excited to see what U.S. politicians and Catholic Churches do in the wake of this kind of conversation!  Read more on Friday Nice Time: In Brazil, New Pope Calls For Rich To Stop Being Dicks To Poors…
Jul 26 10:57 am 2013
  protecting your ass and your assets

Catholic Church Update: Still Terrible, Still Stacking Cash So Tall They Could Climb It

We’ve been thinking a lot about how to streamline our workload, synergize our growth goals, lifehack a four-hour work week, and generally figure out ways to be even more lazy. One of the proactive methodologies we’re considering is creating a one-touch macro so we can efficiently deploy a post every time the Catholic Church does something incredibly awful related to the pedophile priest scandal. We could save literally MINUTES by having pre-written and recycled this post because all we really need to point out is that they are being horrible again. Today’s particular flavor of horrible: moving assets around so that they could insulate themselves from legal claims from victims: Read more on Catholic Church Update: Still Terrible, Still Stacking Cash So Tall They Could Climb It…
Jul 02 2:49 pm 2013
  Thou shalt not have ladyparts health care the Lord did not sayeth

Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President

Remember that one time when President Barack Hussein Hitler Obama was all, like, “Hey, ladies, how would you like it if your health insurance had to cover birth control, without copays, because all the doctor types say that is just good common sense, and it will be better for your health and your families and your pocketbook and everyone wins?” and the ladies (and friends-of-ladies who like to do sex with ladies) were all, “Yup, sounds good,” and then America died because that was the WORST THING WHAT HAD EVER HAPPENED EVER? (You probably don’t remember it happening exactly that way, since America didn’t actually die because we are still here, we think, but just go with it.) Congressional Republicans tried to protect our freedomz with a bill giving employers the right to decide what kind of health care their employees should and shouldn’t have according to what rightwing jackholes on the radio told them their “religious beliefs” are. They insisted the only way to protect employers’ freedom was to take it away from their employees because that’s how democracy works. But everyone else in America thought that was really stupid, so that bill did not become a law. Read more on Almighty Obama Made Catholic Church Cover Birth Control Before He Was Even President…
  kooks

Vatican Advisor Says True Thing

We here at Wonkette mostly luuuuurve our new pope, New Pope. He is a communist (communism!)! He saved and returned all his newspaper rubber bands every month (loves the environment!)! He went to the slums and did Mass for hookers (like Bizarro American Jesus!)! He did his own cooking and lived in a little apartment and took the bus instead of living in the bishop’s mansion (not greedy!)! He was against priests diddling little children (totally weird!)! He washed girl feet, and Muslim feet, and told the priests to get over themselves already (totally blasphemous!)! He was almost the pope last time around, which meant he was the choice of the liberal cardinals as opposed to Pope Nazi, FOR WHOM WE DID NOT PARTICULARLY CARE. Some of you have your cavils with New Pope, including his reported participation in Argentina’s Dirty War. But others, including the Nobel winner who exposed it, said he was working behind the scenes to pressure the junta. (Perhaps he was not saintly enough to be martyred, but he was not an accomplice.) Do you care? No, you would like to believe the worst, because sometimes you are TERRIBLE. (Also, the billion-member Catholic Church isn’t going away anytime soon, so maybe stop being Naderites letting the perfect be the enemy of the good. Lecture over? MAYBE.) Anyway, the Vatican’s US legal advisor, Edward Peters, whom we do not luuuuurve quite so much as New Pope, said a true thing, and that true thing was this: He said that the dude who shot himself on Notre Dame’s altar, to protest France legalizing gay marriage, made anti-gay-marriage folk look like “kooks.” That is about right, Edward Peters! Read more on Vatican Advisor Says True Thing…
  ignorance is strength

In Which Wonket Returns To Its Regularly Scheduled Catholic Church Bashing

Ohai, Catholic Church! Much to the dismay of many of our readers, we’ve been loving up the New Pope lately and giving him plenty of nice time. To everything there is a season, however, and now we turn turn turn back to our more-familiar role scoffing at the Church for its public panic attacks over the use of everyone else’s private parts. Our comedy villain of the day is the archdiocese of Minneapolis-St. Paul, which is currently on a fainting couch over proposed legislation to address bullying in schools. The archdiocese is warning parents that private schools could lose ancillary state funding if they do not comply with the law, which prohibits anti-gay bullying, or, as the archdiocese puts it, subjects children to “re-education camps.” Read more on In Which Wonket Returns To Its Regularly Scheduled Catholic Church Bashing…
Apr 22 3:40 pm 2013
  doing the vatican rag

Peggy Noonan Simply Does Not Care For All You Heathens Mockinge Her Inerrante Churche

It is time for pope-choosing and magick, and Peggy Noonan has once again taken to the pixels of the Wall Street Money-Changers’ Gazette to Opine and feel the Breath of God. But ho! Some hooligans go on the picture-box and criticize the Church and throw out words like “celibacy” and “pedophile” when discussing it! And Peggy Noonan will not allow this to stand! Oh, it isn’t that she hasn’t criticized the Church her own self; she knows there have been Dark Days. But the proper way to criticize the Church, according to Sister Mary Margaret, ruler out and at the ready, is with affection and fear of the Lord and “due esteem.” So, pretty much on one’s knees, then. Thank you, Sister, may we have another? Read more on Peggy Noonan Simply Does Not Care For All You Heathens Mockinge Her Inerrante Churche…
  nobody left but pedo-priests

Priest Booted For Failing To Be As Terrible As Pope

Happy Day-Before-Thanksgiving, Wonkette fans. Have you been making your list of what you are thankful for? We at Wonkette are deeply thankful that we haven’t had to write about something awful the Catholic Church has done in, oh, minutes!  GAH. Catholic Church please stop being horrible long enough for last week’s awfulness to roll off the Wonkette front page. What has the Church managed to do this time? Did they let someone die instead of giving them necessary reproductive health care? Did they let yet another of their priests get rape-y with a young person? Did they weigh in on how the ladiez may make a babby? YES, YES, and OF COURSE YES. But those are PAST horrible things. Today brings us a whole new, more nuanced horrible thing: throwing out a priest for having the temerity (YES WE SAID TEMERITY. DEAL) to believe that perhaps ladies could be priests too: A long-running struggle between Catholic authorities and the Rev. Roy Bourgeois over his support for ordaining women has ended with Bourgeois’ dismissal from the priesthood and his religious order, the Maryknoll Fathers and Brothers. A statement from Maryknoll on Monday (Nov. 19) confirmed that the Vatican’s office for orthodoxy, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, laicized Bourgeois last month. The move stems from Bourgeois’ participation in an August 2008 ordination rite in Lexington, Ky., for Janice Sevre-Duszynska. The ceremony was not recognized by the Vatican and took place under the auspices of a group called Roman Catholic Womanpriests, which rejects the church teaching on the all-male priesthood. Read more on Priest Booted For Failing To Be As Terrible As Pope…
Nov 21 11:00 am 2012
  be vewy vewy quiet we're hunting hewetics

Nobody Expects The Minnesota-Teens-Who-Approve-Of-Gay-Marriage Inquisition!

We all know that the holy rite of communion is not available to divorced Catholics, remarried Catholics, and nuns who are hospital administrators and allow women whose lives are in immediate danger from their pregnancies to get abortions. (And may get excommunicated, depending.) (Oh and it’s still available to priests who rape their charges, because that is a sin that God can forgive, but the other ones are not or something.) But did you know that if you are for gay marriage, you may lose the ability to join God, Jesus, and the Church at all? It is a little thing we like to call “the Inquisition,” and we are guessing you did not expect it! Read more on Nobody Expects The Minnesota-Teens-Who-Approve-Of-Gay-Marriage Inquisition!…
  like pearl harbor 9/11 and yoshinoya

Actual United States Congressmen: Free Birth Control Sinks Their Battleships

Remember in 1990, when conservatives shrieked and moaned about the threat to religious freedom that was the Supreme Court upholding a ban on Native Americans’ sacramental Tripping Off of the Balls? You don’t? That is because those people were Indians. But today? Today, Aug. 1, 2012, is a Day That Shall Live in Infamy. This is the day that American women, with their slutty whorish terrorism, and Pill-taking even when their employers don’t want them to, became a living atrocity greater than Pearl Harbor or 9/11. Actual sitting United States congressmen said so. They said it with their mouths. In front of people. Are you happy now, womyn? ARE YOU? “I know in your mind you can think of the times America was attacked,” said Rep. Mike Kelly (R-Pa.), a freshman. “One is December 7 — that is Pearl Harbor Day. Another was September 11 — that was the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August 1, 2012 — the attack on our religious freedom. That is a date that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.” Read more on Actual United States Congressmen: Free Birth Control Sinks Their Battleships…
  a history of violence

Iowa Congressman Cannot Even Breathe, He Is Laughing So Hard About Doing Violence To Nuns

What is the funniest joke you heard today? Did it have dicks in it? It probably had dicks in it. What is the best joke Iowa congressman Tom Latham has heard lately? “There’s a bus-ful of nuns headed toward Washington to lobby againt the Ryan Plan. Could you, do you have any power to pull the bus full of nuns over and pistol-whip them?” When he finished hearing the radio-show host telling this great joke, Latham laughed so hard great gobs of emphysema flew from his lungs, that is how hard he laughed! Chortle chortle wheeze wheeze [he died]. Read more on Iowa Congressman Cannot Even Breathe, He Is Laughing So Hard About Doing Violence To Nuns…
  everyone expects the spanish inquisition

Catholic Church Patiently Explains ‘Religious Freedom’ To More Uppity Nuns

WOMEN! All the Church wants them to do is take vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience, and in return they can … live in poverty, chastity, and obedience! (Did you know that when a woman takes her nunly vows, it is not the holy rite of ordination like a priest would get?) But also in return, nuns get to minister to the sick and the poor and do all the other works of “Mother” Church and they can rest easy at night knowing the burden of making decisions for themselves will not be weighing on their shoulders. Unfortunately, sometimes one or all of them does get a bee in her bonnet about some flighty thing. (Probably shoes? We hear they like Prada.) But luckily for them, the Pope is so good at clearing his schedule when they get out of line with their “social justice” and “compassion” nonsense, and flies to rescue them from themselves. And that is what he did for poor misguided Mercy Sister Margaret Farley, a professor emeritus of Christian ethics at Yale. Which prompts the question: Why is Yale conferring such special status on some dumb, defective broad who obviously don’t know her Bible? Oh, well, let us let the Inquisition sort it out. Read more on Catholic Church Patiently Explains ‘Religious Freedom’ To More Uppity Nuns…
  burn the witch!

Catholic Church Investigating New Threat To Humanity: The Girl Scouts

We wonder if there is anything the Catholic Church could be investigating besides the Girl Scouts of America? NO. There is NOT. Nothing at all, move along, move along! Yes, Mother Church is busy investigating whether it should … well, not sure. Thunder from the pulpit about their evil ways? Discourage parish-based troops? Tell the quarter of scouts who are Catholic to jump in a lake … of fire? All of those things, probably, and then some. But the US Conference of Catholic Bishops is very serious about this, like Joe McCarthy-heart-attack serious! Not just because they had that Planned Parenthood brochure that everybody fainted about, nope! Or because they let a little transgender girl join a troop because they are disgusting perverts! Sorry, but it is something WAY WORSE. Critics contend that Girl Scouts materials shouldn’t contain links to groups such as Doctors without Borders, the Sierra Club and Oxfam because they support family planning or emergency contraception. Read more on Catholic Church Investigating New Threat To Humanity: The Girl Scouts…
  wingnuts furious and etc.

Wingnuts Have New Kenyan Communist Anti-Colonial Enemy No. 1: Archbishop Desmond Tutu

You guys, we did not know this was a thing? Observers are asking why a Catholic university in Spokane would invite Archbishop Desmond Tutu to address its graduating class considering his decades-long record of supporting abortion, homosexuality, female ordination, theological liberalism, and collectivist economic theories condemned by the Roman Catholic Church. So in addition to being the moral force behind the ending of Apartheid in South Africa, Archbishop Desmond Tutu is awesome in every other possible way as well! Here, read some more! Read more on Wingnuts Have New Kenyan Communist Anti-Colonial Enemy No. 1: Archbishop Desmond Tutu…
  he prefers dos equis

Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway? (VIDEO)

The Pope and Fidel Castro met in Havana for what was apparently a fun contest to see which octogenarian could be more passive-aggressive. Fidel was all, yeah mang, saw you on the teevee, then played dumb about why the Mass had changed since he was a child (presumably Castro is aware of the Church’s liberalizing under Vatican II) and followed it with “so what does a Pope, you know, do?” Fidel, proud (former) head of an island nation of (nominal) Catholics is vaguely aware of your quaint little “church.” Read more on Fidel to Pope: So, What Does a Pope Do, Anyway? (VIDEO)…
  great legislative proposals

WI Senator Wants Law Saying Single Parents Are Probably Child Abusers

Reducing rates of child abuse and neglect is a topic everyone can agree is important. Now, says Wisconsin state Senator Glenn Grothman, let us consult the Ouija board to figure out which entire category of people make up the secret witches behind this evil and make a law telling everyone to hurl poop and screams at them! What is that look, this is how it’s always done, as a Republican. So which lucky group gets to be the demon this time? Gays? Mexicans? Blacks? Homeless polar bears? Public school teachers? People who use the word “football” to refer to “soccer?” The abused children themselves? Let’s check the text of the bill: “In promoting those campaigns and materials, the [Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Board] shall emphasize nonmarital parenthood as a contributing factor to child abuse and neglect.” Single parents! Let’s murder them all and end child abuse, forever. Read more on WI Senator Wants Law Saying Single Parents Are Probably Child Abusers…
  guys who know a lot about sex

Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies

“In the 1970s, pedophilia was theorized as something fully in conformity with man and even with children,” the pope said. “It was maintained – even within the realm of Catholic theology – that there is no such thing as evil in itself or good in itself. There is only a ‘better than’ and a ‘worse than.’ Nothing is good or bad in itself.” Read more on Pope Blames Catholic Church Child-Rape On Hippies…
  prepare a 96th thesis

Cowardly Louisiana Bishops Terrified Of Assassins

America’s founders clearly intended for us to go to church daily or even hourly, and they also clearly intended for us to carry concealed weapons at all times; therefore, it seems logical that the 1st and 2nd amendments should be read as a seamless whole, indicating that, while we pray to the American Jesus, we should have a firearm hidden somewhere on our person. Restoring this basic truth has been a recent enthusiasm of gun rights crusaders, with several legislative victories in our more shoot-y states, Louisiana is among them! But does Louisiana’s law go far enough? Apparently not, as a cabal of men in dresses is stopping the state’s papists from packing heat while participating in the church’s traditional rituals of simulated cannibalism. Read more on Cowardly Louisiana Bishops Terrified Of Assassins…
  reblogging maureen

This Is What Happens When Maureen Dowd Gets It Right

So, Our Lady of Ginger Devotion Maureen Dowd wrote about how the Molesty Church says the attempted priestification of ladies is pretty much just as bad as making out with infants. And for the first time in the history of Reblogging Maureen, MoDo reached out and grabbed my heart. You know why? Because she’s pissed off, and she means it, and she cares, and you can smell it coming off the page. And she hit a raw spot inside me that even Goo Gone cannot heal. Read more on This Is What Happens When Maureen Dowd Gets It Right…
  advocatus diaboli

Supreme Court: Sure, Go Ahead And Sue The Pope

Imagine if a BMW dealer in Oregon were discovered to be a serial child rapist. This would not necessarily reflect badly on his employer — not on the multinational parent company, run by a Bavarian, or on its U.S. subsidiary, or on his local dealership. But now imagine that, over the span of a many years, dozens of BMW dealers were discovered to be serial child rapists, and officers at corporate headquarters just kept reassigning them to different dealerships. Why, you might say that the said multinational parent company would be legally liable for this behavior! The Catholic Church, of course, has argued that it is no mere sordid auto manufacturer and thus this logic doesn’t apply to them, but the Supreme Court has decided that, you know, maybe it does, after all! Read more on Supreme Court: Sure, Go Ahead And Sue The Pope…
  nazis nazis everywhere

Today In Catholic Church News: Freemasons, Jews, Queers To Blame For Adult Catholic Priests Raping Children

Today we revisit the Catholic Church, which is undergoing something of a scandal, whereby adult priests rail young children with their peens for centuries, and then no one goes to jail, and then the Church blames it on other people, and then people still choose to be involved with this institution. This is an Oligarchy, like the Southern planters, the industrialists, and currently the big Wall Street Banks. Fortunately no one really cares about the Catholic Church anymore, except in the various Mexicos. Is this starting to become one of those rants? Let’s get on with the blockquotes. Read more on Today In Catholic Church News: Freemasons, Jews, Queers To Blame For Adult Catholic Priests Raping Children…