Tag: catholic church

But what about when there was only one set of footprints? I slipped in some Santorum, said Jesus.

Rick Santorum: Dumb Pope Francis Needs To Shut His Mouth About Climate Change

Rick Santorum is a Catholic lawyer who likes long piggyback rides on the beach with Jesus and snuggle time with dead fetuses. Pope Francis is the boss of Catholics, and he also has a masters' degree in chemistry, from his...
Definitely not an NWA fan.

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Bill O'Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian,...
Good way to get out of that Calculus exam.

Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble

The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way....

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There's this Catholic Cardinal -- Raymond Cardinal Burke -- and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire....
Hi Kim Davis, bye Kim Davis!

New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing

Is there no limit to the new pope's willingness to reject right-wing ideology because it's, you know, stupid? In addition to getting his hands dirty with poor people and telling American bishops to chill the eff out on all...

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he is making up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke -- again! -- to a ceremonial job with no influence...
You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

When it comes to Ebola, there's what the experts say -- no, travel bans won't work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can't get Ebola by looking at a picture of President...

Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much

Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won't. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques...
Nope

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church's praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about...
WWJD? This probably

Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell

Some very strange things are happening at this year's Vatican Sleepaway Synod -- the annual gathering of the Catholic Church's bishops to decide who's in and who's out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7...

Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed

Pope Francis I and a whole bunch of cardinals and bishops are holding a great big conference on marriage and the family, and so, as complete strangers to how marriages actually work (if they can be said to work...
Thanks for clarifying

New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War

Sometimes we like New Pope, like when he is all, "The church should stop obsessing about Bortions and The Gays, Jesus Christ!" and "Greed-is-good Reaganomics ruined everything, let's all be socialist communist takers instead" and also that time he...

Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There's a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super...

‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’

George Carlin, like Kurt Vonnegut and Isaac Asimov, is up in heaven now. And he is almost certainly looking down at New York City and preparing twenty minutes of standup for all his fellow atheist angels on this story:...

Bishop Doesn’t Know If He Knew Doing Sex To Kids Was Against The Law

You know how when you are being deposed or whatever, you are supposed to only answer the question put to you and never volunteer anything? And you know how also sometimes people on trial for shit or being questioned...

Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled

Woo! Time to Supreme Court Celebrate! Apparently we've set the bar so low for this particular Court that we are now counting as a victory for the good guys the most minor of things, like the fact that the...