Tag Archives: catholic church

  Gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross gross

Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt

Don't you want to feel Chris Christie's rhythm?
Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn’t always take their sex tips from the pope — sometimes they used birth control! Read more on Chris Christie’s Hot Tips For Sexing Your Lady Without Putting A Babby In Her Butt…
  bad analogies

NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians

Not qualified to be a teacher.
The National Organization For Marriage (NOM nom nom), you know them, right? Hilariously failed organization that for some reason still exists, even though the Supreme Court crammed gay marriage right up all American bottoms at the end of June, despite all the Hail Mary passes wingnuts tried to throw? Well, apparently NOM’s staff isn’t quite ready to start filling out job applications, probably because they’re not qualified for anything outside the bigot field, so they are still raising money and talking about things. Read more on NOM Spokesbigot Says It’s Bad For Teachers To Secretly Gas Jews, Be Lesbians…
  Sure to get a reality TV show now

Minnesota Archdiocese Busted For Protecting Kid-Diddling Priest

Sadly, you can't arrest an archdiocese
Here’s a rare thing: The Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis is facing criminal charges for mishandling a priest who mishandled children. The prosecutor says church officials “turned a blind eye” to the priest’s sexual abuse of two boys. The priest, Curtis Wehmeyer, is serving five years in prison; he also faces additional charges in Wisconsin. Friday, Ramsey County Attorney John Choi filed six “gross misdemeanor” counts against the archdiocese as a corporation; no individuals have yet been charged. Read more on Minnesota Archdiocese Busted For Protecting Kid-Diddling Priest…
  not his exact words

Rick Santorum: Dumb Pope Francis Needs To Shut His Mouth About Climate Change

But what about when there was only one set of footprints? I slipped in some Santorum, said Jesus.
Rick Santorum is a Catholic lawyer who likes long piggyback rides on the beach with Jesus and snuggle time with dead fetuses. Pope Francis is the boss of Catholics, and he also has a masters’ degree in chemistry, from his pre-poping days.* One of these men needs to stay out of trying to say words about climate change, and according to Santorum, it’s Big Dumb Pope. Read more on Rick Santorum: Dumb Pope Francis Needs To Shut His Mouth About Climate Change…
  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  The kids are all right

Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble

Good way to get out of that Calculus exam.
The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way. Which is legal to do in Iowa. McCubbin was in line for a full-time position at the school, but was rejected because his big gay life, according to the Diocese, “was at odds with Church teaching.” This pissed the students off, so instead of taking it lying down, they decided to stage a walkout: Read more on Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble…
  poor men

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There’s this Catholic Cardinal — Raymond Cardinal Burke — and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire. How is Burke delighting us with his words today? Well, he interviews with “The New Emangelization” (not kidding) about how “radical feminists” murdered the Catholic Church. Because of course he fucking did. For his next trick, he will probably cover up some child molestations and excommunicate the entire Democratic Party. Oh wait, he already did. Read more on Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism…
  Has this guy even read the Bible?

New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
Is there no limit to the new pope’s willingness to reject right-wing ideology because it’s, you know, stupid? In addition to getting his hands dirty with poor people and telling American bishops to chill the eff out on all of their “social issues,” Pope Francis is also a tree-hugging envirofascist who has swallowed the vegan Kool-Aid and believes climate change is A Real Thing. And not just A Real Thing, but A Real Thing that we mere mortals should address instead of just hoping God sorts it out for us. Read more on New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing…
  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he is making up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke — again! — to a ceremonial job with no influence and no ability to dick over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. Read more on Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks…
  Here have some news n stuff

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
When it comes to Ebola, there’s what the experts say — no, travel bans won’t work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can’t get Ebola by looking at a picture of President Obama — and then there are the politicians who don’t care what the experts say. Like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who imprisoned a nurse, with no Ebola symptoms whatsoever, because in his expert medical opinion, she’s “obviously ill”: Read more on If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor…
  The Five People You Meet In Heaven Are Queer As Folk

Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much

Jesus
Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won’t. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques are pretty slim, so people who have lived lives of great rectitude should just resign themselves to spending eternity in the equivalent of a Holiday Inn cocktail lounge. Read more on Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much…
  go to hell

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Nope
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church’s praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about maybe talking about being nicer to The Gay, because maybe they are also people too. A document leaked from their Synod Sleepaway Camp, in which they wrote — shudder! gasp! — that “homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community.” And we said, “Good job, Catholic Church, that’s a nice step forward.” Read more on Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always…
  Loving thy neighbor even if thy neighbor is The Gay

Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell

WWJD? This probably
Some very strange things are happening at this year’s Vatican Sleepaway Synod — the annual gathering of the Catholic Church’s bishops to decide who’s in and who’s out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7 this year? First, New Pope makes the bishops take sex ed, and now there’s a rumor that maybe, just maybe, the Vatican might be willing to consider discussing the possibility of slightly altering its position on currently hell-destined gay homosexuals. Read more on Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell…
  The Stiletto Heels Of the Fisherman

Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed

Pope Francis I and a whole bunch of cardinals and bishops are holding a great big conference on marriage and the family, and so, as complete strangers to how marriages actually work (if they can be said to work at all), the Church Elders heard from an actual Catholic married couple, who spoke frankly about the importance of the horizontal rumble in their marriage: Read more on Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed…
  Isn't this part of the job description?

New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War

Thanks for clarifying
Sometimes we like New Pope, like when he is all, “The church should stop obsessing about Bortions and The Gays, Jesus Christ!” and “Greed-is-good Reaganomics ruined everything, let’s all be socialist communist takers instead” and also that time he washed a lady’s feet even though that is not in the Bible, IMPEACH! Read more on New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There’s a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super good at debating, and Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant.” But given his complete misunderstanding of the First Amendment — no, it does not protect your constitutional right to be on the tee vee — and his total miscomprehension of Green Eggs and Ham — no, the moral of the story is NOT that you should never try something new that scares you, like say Obamacare, because you probably won’t like it so don’t even bother — it’s hard to detect the off-the-charts brilliance of Ted Cruz lurking under all that mind-numbing idiocy. Cruz served up some of his signature stupid on the Senate floor Wednesday to protest the Democrats’ bill to fix Hobby Lobby. Republicans killed the bill, as we all knew they would, but at least Democrats can tell voters they tried to do something good, so now everyone who is running for election this fall wins. Hooray, I guess. One of Cruz’s favorite pastimes, when he’s not demanding investigations into black voters voting like some kind of voters who are allowed to vote or watching goat porn (hey, it seems like something he would do, doesn’t it?), is whining SO hard about “religious freedom,” by which he means the freedom of Catholics and evangelicals to dictate policy to America, because, like his daddy says, “America is a Christian nation.” On the Senate floor, Cruz accused Democrats of waging a war against the Catholic Church because of their failed attempt to un-exempt employers who SINCERELY believe stuff from having to comply with federal law if they SINCERELY believe they do not like that law. Prior to the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby ruling (yup, still mad about that), such employers would have faced a fine if they refused to comply with the law, because here in America, if you break the law, theoretically, you will face penalties for breaking the law. (Obviously, this does not apply to the rich and powerful because that would be RIDICULOUS.) Read more on Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him…