Tag Archives: catholic church

  America is cancelled

Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack

Definitely not an NWA fan.
Bill O’Reilly is very upset. A new Pew poll has shown that the super-majority of Americans who identify as Christian is not quite as super as it used to be. Just eight years ago, 78.4 percent of the population was Christian, and now that number is only 70.6 percent, sadface. So who is to blame? Is it the Jooz and the Muslims? MAYBE! Their numbers have grown by a whopping 0.2 percent and 0.5 percent, respectively. They are attacking Americans with their matzoh balls and their Sharia law! But no, the real culprit is the “unaffiliated” lot, who are now a full 22.8 percent of the population. Bill O’Reilly knows what it causing this, and it is rap music: Read more on Bill O’Reilly Very Sad Americans Are Divorcing Jesus, Jiving On The Rap Music, And Smoking Crack…
  The kids are all right

Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble

Good way to get out of that Calculus exam.
The kids of Dowling Catholic High School in Des Moines seem pretty cool, for stinky teenagers. They have a substitute teacher they really like, Tyler McCubbin, who is engaged to be married to his boyfriend, in a gay way. Which is legal to do in Iowa. McCubbin was in line for a full-time position at the school, but was rejected because his big gay life, according to the Diocese, “was at odds with Church teaching.” This pissed the students off, so instead of taking it lying down, they decided to stage a walkout: Read more on Catholic High School Teachers In Gay Trouble…
  poor men

Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism

There’s this Catholic Cardinal — Raymond Cardinal Burke — and he is the worst! New Pope demoted him already, because Burke is a super-dick, but New Pope forgot to tell him to STFU and go die in a fire. How is Burke delighting us with his words today? Well, he interviews with “The New Emangelization” (not kidding) about how “radical feminists” murdered the Catholic Church. Because of course he fucking did. For his next trick, he will probably cover up some child molestations and excommunicate the entire Democratic Party. Oh wait, he already did. Read more on Church’s Worst Cardinal Weeps Fat Tears For Men Murdered By Feminism…
  Has this guy even read the Bible?

New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing

we didn't know you're allowed to have a pope who doesn't look like a sith lord
Is there no limit to the new pope’s willingness to reject right-wing ideology because it’s, you know, stupid? In addition to getting his hands dirty with poor people and telling American bishops to chill the eff out on all of their “social issues,” Pope Francis is also a tree-hugging envirofascist who has swallowed the vegan Kool-Aid and believes climate change is A Real Thing. And not just A Real Thing, but A Real Thing that we mere mortals should address instead of just hoping God sorts it out for us. Read more on New Pope Wants To Save Planet From Climate Change, Like That’s A Thing…
  you're fired

Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks

It has been at least a week since Cool Pope did anything awesome, so he is making up for it in spades. How about demoting asshole Cardinal Raymond Burke — again! — to a ceremonial job with no influence and no ability to dick over American Catholics with the gall to be liberals, and no say on how any of the world’s Catholics do shit? Okay, we guess we will take it. Read more on Cool Pope Francis Stone Cold Firing All The Cardinal Dicks…
  Here have some news n stuff

If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor

You shut up, and you shut up, and you shut up
When it comes to Ebola, there’s what the experts say — no, travel bans won’t work; no, we should not quarantine everyone who sneezes on a subway; no, you can’t get Ebola by looking at a picture of President Obama — and then there are the politicians who don’t care what the experts say. Like New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who imprisoned a nurse, with no Ebola symptoms whatsoever, because in his expert medical opinion, she’s “obviously ill”: Read more on If We Could Quarantine Stupid, New Jersey Wouldn’t Have A Governor…
  The Five People You Meet In Heaven Are Queer As Folk

Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much

Jesus
Iowa Congresscantaloupe Steve King has some thoughts on The Gheys, as well as on where you will find them in the afterlife and where you won’t. Sadly, according to King, the odds of Heaven having any really good discotheques are pretty slim, so people who have lived lives of great rectitude should just resign themselves to spending eternity in the equivalent of a Holiday Inn cocktail lounge. Read more on Steve King: Dogs May Go To Heaven, Gays Not So Much…
  go to hell

Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always

Nope
Seems like only yesterday we were singing the Catholic Church’s praises for showing the tiniest (the very tiniest) bit of humanity toward The Gay. On Monday, we heard the good word that New Pope and pals were talking about maybe talking about being nicer to The Gay, because maybe they are also people too. A document leaked from their Synod Sleepaway Camp, in which they wrote — shudder! gasp! — that “homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community.” And we said, “Good job, Catholic Church, that’s a nice step forward.” Read more on Never Mind, Catholic Church Will Probably Just Keeping Hating Gays Like Always…
  Loving thy neighbor even if thy neighbor is The Gay

Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell

WWJD? This probably
Some very strange things are happening at this year’s Vatican Sleepaway Synod — the annual gathering of the Catholic Church’s bishops to decide who’s in and who’s out, and should the gay panic be raised to 11 or 11.7 this year? First, New Pope makes the bishops take sex ed, and now there’s a rumor that maybe, just maybe, the Vatican might be willing to consider discussing the possibility of slightly altering its position on currently hell-destined gay homosexuals. Read more on Vatican Might Be A Little Nicer To Gay Homosexuals, Even If They’re Still Going To Hell…
  The Stiletto Heels Of the Fisherman

Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed

Pope Francis I and a whole bunch of cardinals and bishops are holding a great big conference on marriage and the family, and so, as complete strangers to how marriages actually work (if they can be said to work at all), the Church Elders heard from an actual Catholic married couple, who spoke frankly about the importance of the horizontal rumble in their marriage: Read more on Cool Pope Makes Bishops Take Sex Ed…
  Isn't this part of the job description?

New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War

Thanks for clarifying
Sometimes we like New Pope, like when he is all, “The church should stop obsessing about Bortions and The Gays, Jesus Christ!” and “Greed-is-good Reaganomics ruined everything, let’s all be socialist communist takers instead” and also that time he washed a lady’s feet even though that is not in the Bible, IMPEACH! Read more on New Pope Semi-Reverses Self, Takes Bold Stand Against War…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him

Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is not a smart man. Oh, I know, I know. There’s a conservative fairy tale that Cruz is REALLY smart (Democrats, beware!) because he went to Princeton and Harvard Law School and was super good at debating, and Harvard Professor Alan Dershowitz called him “off-the-charts brilliant.” But given his complete misunderstanding of the First Amendment — no, it does not protect your constitutional right to be on the tee vee — and his total miscomprehension of Green Eggs and Ham — no, the moral of the story is NOT that you should never try something new that scares you, like say Obamacare, because you probably won’t like it so don’t even bother — it’s hard to detect the off-the-charts brilliance of Ted Cruz lurking under all that mind-numbing idiocy. Cruz served up some of his signature stupid on the Senate floor Wednesday to protest the Democrats’ bill to fix Hobby Lobby. Republicans killed the bill, as we all knew they would, but at least Democrats can tell voters they tried to do something good, so now everyone who is running for election this fall wins. Hooray, I guess. One of Cruz’s favorite pastimes, when he’s not demanding investigations into black voters voting like some kind of voters who are allowed to vote or watching goat porn (hey, it seems like something he would do, doesn’t it?), is whining SO hard about “religious freedom,” by which he means the freedom of Catholics and evangelicals to dictate policy to America, because, like his daddy says, “America is a Christian nation.” On the Senate floor, Cruz accused Democrats of waging a war against the Catholic Church because of their failed attempt to un-exempt employers who SINCERELY believe stuff from having to comply with federal law if they SINCERELY believe they do not like that law. Prior to the Supreme Court’s Hobby Lobby ruling (yup, still mad about that), such employers would have faced a fine if they refused to comply with the law, because here in America, if you break the law, theoretically, you will face penalties for breaking the law. (Obviously, this does not apply to the rich and powerful because that would be RIDICULOUS.) Read more on Ted Cruz Has A ‘Basic Suggestion’ For Democrats, And I Have One For Him…
  bow your heads with great respect and genuflect! genuflect! genuflect!

‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’

George Carlin, like Kurt Vonnegut and Isaac Asimov, is up in heaven now. And he is almost certainly looking down at New York City and preparing twenty minutes of standup for all his fellow atheist angels on this story: after three years of negotiations to name a street after him, “George Carlin Way” is finally a reality. And in a bureaucratic screwup, the section of West 121st Street that was renamed ended up being two blocks, not the single block that had been agreed upon, and so one of the addresses on that two-block stretch is the very Catholic church whose priests opposed honoring Carlin and had negotiated hard to not be on George Carlin Way. Read more on ‘Clerical Error’ Gives The World A Catholic Church On ‘George Carlin Way’…
  what is 'legal'?

Bishop Doesn’t Know If He Knew Doing Sex To Kids Was Against The Law

You know how when you are being deposed or whatever, you are supposed to only answer the question put to you and never volunteer anything? And you know how also sometimes people on trial for shit or being questioned for something give super-comical totally not-disingenuous answers where they “don’t recall”? Well, Archbishop Robert Carlson — formerly of Minneapolis/St. Paul, and now presiding over the souls of Good St. Louis — took that to its logical extreme in a deposition about priests under his command raping children, when he told his deposers that he does not recall whether he knew doing sex to children was against the law. Read more on Bishop Doesn’t Know If He Knew Doing Sex To Kids Was Against The Law…
  just saying might not want to click this one

Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled

Woo! Time to Supreme Court Celebrate! Apparently we’ve set the bar so low for this particular Court that we are now counting as a victory for the good guys the most minor of things, like the fact that the court today announced that they will make it a wee bit harder to execute someone who is on the cusp of an intellectual disability diagnosis. We’re number one! We’re number one! Is there a whiny dissent from Samuel Alito? Awww hell yeah. Read more on Samuel Alito So Mad The Court Just Made It A Tiny Bit Harder To Excute The Mentally Disabled…
  shame shame

Catholic School Principal Must Atone Forever For Sin Of Putting Ellen DeGeneres On School Dance Fliers

Was your high school principal always trying to be down with the kids, but then did something embarrassing like putting pix of Kid’n’Play on a flier – in 2004? Pity the poor Catholic school principal who tried to be cool by using Ellen Degeneres’s Oscar photo to flog a dance, forgetting that Ellen is a big homosexxican and that the Catholic Church kinda frowns on that. Read more on Catholic School Principal Must Atone Forever For Sin Of Putting Ellen DeGeneres On School Dance Fliers…
  Boys will be boys

Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else

So we want to applaud folks like Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY) who are fighting the good fight to stop all the sexual assaulting in our military. What’s the big deal, though? Can chicks just not handle a little afternoon raping? Don’t they know that boys will be boys, and that boobs wouldn’t be groped if God had not made boobs so perky and grope-able? Totally the Big Guy’s fault. Well, at least the military is having more training about sexual assault, and it’s not like the Army top sexual assault prosecutor would go to a training on sexual assault and grope a lady, because that would be ALL THE FUCKED UP, KATIE. Per Stars and Stripes: The top Army prosecutor for sexual assault cases has been suspended after a lawyer who worked for him recently reported he’d groped her and tried to kiss her at a sexual-assault legal conference more than two years ago. For serious, Army? Of all the people you have to choose from to deal with this issue, how come you can’t find someone who will at least wait until the sexual assault legal conference is over before sexually assaulting a woman? Allegedly. Read more on Dear Military: Please Stop Sexually Assaulting Ladies At Legal Conferences On Sexual Assault, And Everywhere Else…
  new sheriff in town

New Pope Probably Getting Ready To Announce Vatican III, Mandatory Gay Marriages

Man, we are pretty jealous of the person who got to write the headline for the AP article on the big Pope Francis and His Cardinals Jamboree this week, because they somehow slipped “Pope Opens Big Week With Sex, Divorce On Agenda” past their editors. Believe the hype of the headline, though, because our current fave pope, New Pope, is taking on the many many third rails of the Catholic Church, most of which involve whom you have sex with and when. Meetings this week between Pope Francis and his cardinals will deal with some of the thorniest issues facing the church, including the rejection by most Catholics of some of its core teaching on premarital sex, contraception, gays and divorce. German Cardinal Walter Kasper, who has called for “changes and openings” in the church’s treatment of divorced and remarried Catholics, will give the keynote speech Thursday to the pope and cardinals attending a preparatory meeting for an October summit on family issues. Read more on New Pope Probably Getting Ready To Announce Vatican III, Mandatory Gay Marriages…
  if this doesnt work we'll call in dumbledore

Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing

Well hello, GAYmerica. Because the frothy LGBT agenda is being smeared all over this great land, this little mommyblog has not been reporting on every state that legalizes gay marriage, which everyone knows is like poking G-d in the eye with your dick. However, some sorcerers bishops in a Chicago coven Church want to get all double double toil and trouble hocus pocus on Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn. When Quinn signs the same-sex marriage bill into law, Bishop Thomas Paprocki of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Springfield has graciously announced that he shall offer prayers for “exorcism in reparation for the sin of same-sex marriage.” This is just the kind of reaction that New Pope was hoping for when he sought to focus less on divisive social issues, so well done Bishop Paprocki.  Read more on Totally Sane Chicago Bishop To Exorcise Demons From Same-Sex Marriage Bill Signing…
  they should at least stop issuing lolita sunglasses to the altar boys

Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids

Right on the heels of suspending the “Bling Bishop,” New Pope has another misbehaving European prelate on his hands: Archbishop Jozef Michalik, the head of the Polish Episcopate, who kind of made everybody in Poland groan and slap their foreheads (we hope?) for suggesting that children abused by priests share some of the blame for getting themselves raped: A child from a troubled family, Michalik told reporters, “seeks closeness with others and may get lost and may get the other person involved, too.” Yes. If these troubled children would just stop being so darned seductive and pouty and vulnerable and most importantly alone, then adult men would not be tempted to do sexual predation on them. That’s just basic psychology, straight from the gospel of personal pedophile responsibility. Read more on Polish Archbishop Knows What Causes Pedophile Priests: Divorce, Porn, And Those Slutty Abused Kids…
  born to pope

Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man

However you feel about Pope Francis, your newish President of Christmas Classic, it’s hard to argue that he isn’t a vast improvement over the last guy. For example, we liked when Newish Pope washed Muslim girl feet, something we couldn’t picture Benny Sixteen doing unless money was furtively exchanged, along with the understanding that nobody must ever know of it. We also liked when Francis told everyone not to be dicks to poor people, and we really liked when he said Catholics should not be “obsessed” with gays, abortions, and slut pills. And now we like this new thing he said, which was: “The faith becomes ideology and ideology frightens, ideology chases away the people, distances, distances the people and distances of the Church of the people,” Francis added. “But it is a serious illness, this of ideological Christians. It is an illness, but it is not new, eh?” Love that “Eh?” because it allows us to picture the scene, his eyes a-twinkle — did he wink? — as he pats our heads, then turns and like, flies in the air or something. Read more on Pope Francis Says Rigid Christian Ideology Is An ‘Illness,’ Presumably Still Believes In Invisible, Omnipotent Sky-Man…
  House GOP to hold vote on repealing pope in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...

Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills

Okay, it is official: We looooooooove this new pope so much, we want to gay-marry him and have all his abortions: Pope Francis, in the first extensive interview of his six-month-old papacy, said that the Roman Catholic church had grown “obsessed” with preaching about abortion, gay marriage and contraception, and that he has chosen not to speak of those issues despite recriminations from some critics. “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time […] The dogmatic and moral teachings of the church are not all equivalent. The church’s pastoral ministry cannot be obsessed with the transmission of a disjointed multitude of doctrines to be imposed insistently. “We have to find a new balance,” the pope continued, “otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel.” WHAT?!?! Lecturing sluts about how their vaginas are destroying our freedoms and The Gays are making Jesus cry with their gay is not the sole purpose of the church? We would be shocked — shocked! — if we were not too busy drawing hearts with “Wonkette & Pope FOREVAH!” on our notebooks because WE TOLD YOU PEOPLE. Read more on Holy Nice Time! New Pope Has Crazy Ideas That Church Should Not Be ‘Obsessed’ With Gays, ‘Bortions And Slut Pills…