Wonkette

MAH JESUS BOOK DON’T NONE LIKE THIS: Oh heavens, first they came for our family, and then our hamburgers, and then our family again, and now our motorcars too: “Police in Manila are looking to convert their patrol cars to run on a mixture of diesel and used cooking oil from McDonald’s, officials and the company said Tuesday.” MCDONALD NOW YOU GITCHER HOMO OIL OUTTA MAH F-250 ELSE’N ISE FIXIN TA BOYCOTT MAH RIDE ‘N’ RUIN YER ECONOMETRICKS. [AFP/Breitbart]

• LOOK, HE’S STILL ALIVE OK?: From the intrepid local news team at ABC 7 News: “The pedestrian who was struck by prominent Washington columnist and commentator Robert Novak is in worse shape than first thought, a hospital source tells ABC 7 News. The victim, a 66-year-old man, appeared somewhat incoherent, said the source who had seen the victim. The man appeared to have casts on his neck and back. The victim was X-rayed and a surgical team plans to evaluate him, the source said.” The police should take note of the severity here and strike Novak with a harsher penalty. They gave him a $50 ticket earlier? Make it $65. NO — GIVE HIM A $90 TICKET. [WJLA]

Wonkette vanity plate operative “Anna” sends us this picture from some road in Fairfax, Virginia, of a racial car. We would like to take credit for the inspiration here. Is this former Sen. George Allen’s car, and HE TOO has taken up the Satire game? Or maybe the kid Allen called a “macaca,” this is his car. The latter would make more sense, since the modest amount of celebrity that incident gave him would, according to our Wonkette Fame=Money Algorithm, leave him with just enough cash to purchase a Honda CR-V.

Now that a gallon of gas costs approximately “go fuck yourself” dollars across the nation, the United States House of Representatives is saving the middle class again by introducing legislation that is not only a waste of all human resources, but actually mocks America by romanticizing something which no one can afford. Three cheers to Rep. John Shimkus (R-Ill.) for his “National Corvette Day” bill, for its deserved praise of the “dependence on insanely expensive foreign oil” concept. You may read the bill after the jump, if you can afford it. MORE »

Reporters were devastated this morning to find their best friend, John McCain, wearing two band-aids on the top of his head. Was he having some of his trademark cancer again? Worse! When he was in Canada, some shift-eyed car attacked him: “I was getting out of the car in Canada and I hit the roof a tiny bit, and the car was much smaller than the one I’m usually being ferried around in by the beloved Secret Service.” See, this is why *Americans* drive SUVs. That little extra gas money is a fair price, since they offer such foolproof protection from hitting your head against the roof so badly that it bleeds. [CNN]

Today John McCain announced his most insanely simplistic campaign idea yet: a science fair contest. He proposed “a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology.” Screw you people; Wonkette is going to Home Depot to buy sheet metal, rivets, and Legos right now. MORE »

Old Barry visited the evil state of Michigan today, where Hillary Clinton beat Nobody by only 15%. They have many Bitters in Michigan ever since the Chinese & Mexicans took their factory jobs. This is why Barry, a terrible elitist who has never even spoken to a white person before, visited the sole fancy factory still operating. Does he have any idea that these people — the ones with jobs — aren’t the real people of Michigan? Anyway, here he is looking like Steve Urkel with bird flu. [AP Photo]

And now they will have that to live with for the rest of their life. [AP Photo]

The Bear is back! And now he’s in the cross hairs of the mean old Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles for having a really gay license plate. I guess this is the sort of low-level, left-handed payback you get when you cross the very powerful Sen. Larry Craig. MORE »

Former Chrysler prexy Lee Iacocca, who gave us some of the most drab, shitty cars ever, has endosed Gov. Bill Richardson, citing things like “experience” and “character.” Don’t forget Iacocca also endorsed coke monkey John De Lorean. So, does this mean we can look forward Richardson going on five-day blow binges while designing his answer to the stainless steel, gull-wing doored De Lorean? Awesome. So Back to the Future!
Lee Iacocca Endorses Bill Richardson for President [Richardson For President]