Did you watch Sarah Palin’s hott new video with the porn king who once told Nate Silver to go fuck himself? Good for you! Some of your fellow Americans were not that brave, which is why it’s good that somebody took the time to type down a few of the best quotes, like where she compares herself to Caroline Kennedy and suspects that there “was a class issue here also.” MORE »

Gaah, Maureen Dowd! She has written a “serious column” today, which means that it does not refer to anybody with nicknames. She thinks Caroline Kennedy would be a cracker jack senator because, first: it is very sexist to suggest otherwise, and second: the Senate is already bloated with the offspring of famous politicians, so what’s it to you if we throw another one on the pile? MORE »

A SENATE SEAT FOR CHRISTMAS: “There’s one kind of gift America can give no matter how poor we are, and no matter how many families live in boxcars and eat rats for dinner. It’s the greatest gift the Founding Fathers made available to certain Americans: a seat in the U.S. Senate!” [AOL Political Machine]

• Here are the predictions of Igor Panarin, some sort of soothsaying Slavic gypsy, in which China, Mexico, and Canada all go halfsies on a ruined United States. [Gawker]
• How does Bush sleep at night? With Barney, the demonic hallucination-inducing terrier thing. [GQ]
• The Republican National Committee is going rogue! The RNC is holding leadership talent shows without involvement from the actual Republican Party. [CNN Political Ticker]
• The Governor of Oregon would like to institute a “mileage tax” instead of a gas tax, under which drivers would pay for roads based on how much they use them. Jonah Goldberg’s panties are in such a twist over this idea that he will quote Macbeth for no conceivable reason. [The Corner]
• The MSM has declared that Caroline Kennedy is unfit to be a human being, let alone Replacement Hillary, because of the frequency with which she says “you know.” [Politico]

Now that dying Ted Kennedy has forced his shy niece Caroline to become a Senator for the sake of the family name, the entire global media plans to exploit her (and maybe she will even cry!) These reporters in upstate New York, who probably all smell and have back hair, must learn how to talk to the shy lady, though. The shy lady will not respond if they whine/shout at her, “YOU’RE NOT TAKING ANY QUESTIONS? CAROLINE? QUESTIONS? CAROLINE? QUESTIONS? EXPERIENCE?” [YouTube]

Politico, everyone — the Politico has a scoop! MORE »

The only living Kennedy in the world, Caroline, has put the rumors to rest and is now officially targeting Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, which will be vacant after Hillary bribes the Senate with Kazakhstani pipeline profits for her Secretary of State confirmation. Kennedy is calling everyone in the Democratic party and asking them to give her this seat, which is a fuckin’ valuable thing. We have very little to say about this person asking to be a Senator except NO, no, no, no Senate seat for you, what the hell, no, go back to wherever, no, and lastly, what is the word… no. Well, maybe, who cares. [NYT]

Hillary Clinton may have “worked like an animal” to win her Senate seat, but she also had crazy awesome name recognition due to her years-long sham marriage to international playboy Bill Clinton. Now Caroline Kennedy wants to be the next junior senator from New York, because why not? She is a Kennedy, after all, which means she gets whatever she wants, as long as it involves booze and suspended prison terms. MORE »

On Monday, Barack Obama spent three hours in the offices of Covington and Burling, the workplace of one of the people on his vice presidential selection committee. Also, Caroline Kennedy was in town yesterday, as were David Plouffe and David Axelrod and Robert Gibbs and OH GOD TIM KAINE, THE GUY WHO DELIVERED THAT WRETCHED STATE OF THE UNION REBUTTAL A FEW YEARS BACK, WILL BE OUR VICE PRESIDENT BOOOOOOOOOOO. MORE »

• JIM JOHNSON QUITS OBAMA: Jim Johnson, one of the heads of Obama’s vice presidential steering committee, has already wussed out and given into Republican demands that he resign because of his friendship with terrible Subprimes. When will Caroline Kennedy quit the committee over her ties to a dead liberal father? [Ben Smith]

The oldest and most important man — the “dean,” or “stern grampa,” might we say? — of the Democratic party, the Liberal who is somehow brothers with various political legends who died 900 years ago, TED KENNEDY, gave his big endorsement speech for Barry today at Washington’s American University. Caroline Kennedy, whose father was some sort of neat, pretty president in the 1960s — the one obsessed with putting humans on the moon by a certain time — joined Uncle Teddy to give a Hope speech as well. Congrats, Barry: you have officially become a Kennedy today. It would be wise to beef up your security.

After the jump, some clips of Ted and Caroline’s speeches. If Ted keeps getting this excited whenever he says “Change,” he may very well die. But isn’t death a Change in and of itself?

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