• After starting a rumor that Senator Robert Byrd had passed away, Caroline Kennedy did her civic duty and volunteered herself as the third senator from New York. [RedState]
• Guano faucet Ari Fleischer doesn’t want to take all the credit for exporting freedom to Iran, but hey, modesty is its own reward. [Think Progress]
• Every day Henry Paulson asks Jesus to heal his inner hurt, because Henry is a Christian Scientist and isn’t allowed to seek proper medical treatment for all the hilarious shit Matt Taibbi writes about him. [Matt Taibbi]
• Lots of ungrateful single working mothers are whining about how they receive a $25 golden parachute from the government every week, because now that the bailout has made them all filthy rich, they no longer qualify for $300 in food stamps every month. When AIG received their weekly $25 bailout, you didn’t hear them complaining about how they no longer qualified for government spa treatments or partridge hunts at Mr. Darcy’s country estate in Derbyshire! [HuffPost]
• When Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sees a black person on the street he says, “Oh wow you have a nice tan.” And when he stumbles upon a woman with a very large belly he inquires, “Are you fat or just pregnant?” Silvio’s Hot Cop-Humpin’ Summer Comedy Tour begins today, here in Washington. [Swampland]

• Today is Day 1 of the Coleman-Franken battle royale. The real winners are the people of Minnesota, and also probably Al Franken. [The Corner]
• Most New Yorkers blame Caroline Kennedy for Caroline Kennedy’s decision to ruin democracy and publicly disgracing the esteemed office of Chuck Schumer’s intern by failing to get a Senate appointment. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Former (!) President George W. Bush won’t be allowed to take all of his diplomacy bonus prizes back to Texas. Such winnings include: the weird cowboy shit given to him by Australia’s PM, a (hardcover) book of sonnets from Putin, and a promise necklace from King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud. [Washington Post]
• Good to know: Bill Kristol was downsized from the Times because he was a terrible writer who made up facts for his weekly sloppy fictions, not because he is a conservative or Sarah Palin’s friend. [Daily Beast]
• RNC Chairperson Marc Ambinder has selected your new Republican Last Great Hope for 2012: it’s pretend human “Dirk Kempthorne,” which is an anagram for “Kathryn Jean Lopez”. [Marc Ambinder]

The Albany Times Union is pretty sure that Congresswoman Kirsten Gillibrand of New York will get David Paterson’s Senate appointment tomorrow after several painful months of catastrophe, ruin and embarrassment involving most of the Democratic party’s major dynasties. We are looking forward to never posting about this bullshit ever again, thank you. Sooo… Gillibrand, eh? Let’s see what we’ve got in the ol’ Wonkette Archives for “Gillibrand, Kirsten”…. MORE »

Since no one really knows what the hell is going on with these rotten New York Democrats, we’ll accept as fact-ish this latest installment in the New York Post’s successful 24-hour sledgehammering of Caroline Kennedy’s entire life and reputation: “In a stunning revelation, a source close to Gov. David Paterson insisted this afternoon that the governor ‘had no intention’ of picking Caroline Kennedy for New York’s vacant senate seat — because she was ‘mired’ in an issue over taxes, her nanny and possibly her marriage.” Maybe David Paterson should appoint someone right now, what with the escalating twin national embarrassments that are the New York Democratic Party and the entire Kennedy family and all. [NY Post]

Jesus Christ, Caroline Kennedy: next time you think about running for any office (/harassing blind people for Senate jobs), just ignore it and throw a fundraiser for poor illiterate kids or whatever instead? Her surprise dropout yesterday, once she realized that she was out of her element and/or NOT THE PICK, has taken yet another hilarious and tragic twist that probably could have been avoided: Ted Kennedy is mad at some of her people for blaming her exit on Ted’s “declining health,” as in, Caroline had no idea just how bad her uncle’s RAREST AND MOST DEADLIEST POSSIBLE FORM OF BRAIN CANCER was until he started floppin’ around at that luncheon Tuesday. Ted and his people obviously want to be kept out of this terrible failure’s failure, and also don’t want her screwing up his work in the Senate, which he attends once every six months for a “victory lap.” MORE »

Man, last night all the haters were hating on the Post for breaking the astonishing news that the nice rich lady with important friends had decided not to demand a lifelong appointment to the House of Lords after all. Well, now your precious MSM liberal gray lady of record, the New York Times, says the same thing, so it’s official: Caroline Kennedy will be roasted and eaten by David Paterson, with mint jelly, for lunch. MORE »

When this BREAKING NEWS broke 40 minutes ago, Caroline Kennedy was dropping out of the whole “You know, I am famous, politically, so anoint me senator” deal for “personal reasons.” Ha, and now it turns out (according to the New York Post, which is apparently correct) the “reason” was she wasn’t the “person” Paterson will choose to run out Hillary Clinton’s term in the Senate. MORE »

CAROLINE KENNEDY DROPS SENATE QUEST! Guess who won’t be your new appointed senator from New York? Caroline Kennedy, the famous royalty who was supposed to get Hillary’s old gig! That’s what the New York Post says, in a BREAKING news story bulletin alert. Ha, Drudge doesn’t even have this, yet. We need a replacement for the Drudge Siren, in this post-Drudge era. [NEW YORK POST]

• After going out to dinner with the Conservative Columnists, Obama took Maureen Dowd, Frank Rich, Rachel Maddow, Eugene Robinson, etc. out to lunch. Tomorrow he will drunkenly text Ron Paul and Wayne Allyn Root at 1 AM and invite them over to “watch a movie.” [The Caucus]
• Osama bin Laden has made his own YouTube fireside chat in which he sort of teases Barack Obama, but the subtext is “I’m not dead.” [Crooks and Liars]
• Andrew Sullivan wants you to know he has received a lot of emails asking about his off-the-record tryst with Obama but all he will say is that he feels “relief.” Ew. [Andrew Sullivan]
• Bush and Co. have been ordered to surrender their emails from March 2003 to October 2005 to America. This order comes on the heels of concerns that the administration has probably deleted most emails from March 2003 to October 2005. [HuffPost]
• Apparent human-in-beta Caroline Kennedy is the most unpopular person in the history of New York. [CNN Political Ticker]

Did you watch Sarah Palin’s hott new video with the porn king who once told Nate Silver to go fuck himself? Good for you! Some of your fellow Americans were not that brave, which is why it’s good that somebody took the time to type down a few of the best quotes, like where she compares herself to Caroline Kennedy and suspects that there “was a class issue here also.” MORE »

Gaah, Maureen Dowd! She has written a “serious column” today, which means that it does not refer to anybody with nicknames. She thinks Caroline Kennedy would be a cracker jack senator because, first: it is very sexist to suggest otherwise, and second: the Senate is already bloated with the offspring of famous politicians, so what’s it to you if we throw another one on the pile? MORE »