THIS IS A CHICAGO SUN-TIMES COLUMN TODAY: “Suppose Barack Obama had dumped a crippled wife and married a beer heiress one month after the divorce. Do you really think he wouldn’t have been tripped up by such a scandalous past? The Republicans would have had a field day mocking his character. But John McCain’s tawdry personal history is rarely mentioned.” [Mary Mitchell/Sun-Times]

Everybody knows the sad story about how John McCain catted around on his crippled wife with a fetching young beer heiress. But now it appears he was actually sort of married to both Mrs. McCains at the same time, in the sense that he had a marriage license with #2 before his divorce to #1 had been finalized! Why does John McCain hate America? MORE »

What’s everyone doing today? Giving speeches. About the economy. To humans. Also, gas prices are high! And everyone in New York City has herpes, ha ha. You all have herpes and the flu too. Let’s make fun of John McCain’s gift shop some more. MORE »

Here’s a post from the “McCain Report,” which is one of several terrible blogs on McCain’s website. He’s trying to steal Hillary’s old ladies by posting videos from ABBA, a Swedish pop quartet from the ’70s. After Vietnam, John McCain had sex affairs with the two girls in this group before divorcing his crippled wife for yet a different mistress. “Seriously.” [John McCain via HuffPo]

Thanks to Wonkette hippie operative “Joe” for sending us a shot of this hippie protest sign, which is exactly correct. The hippies did save John McCain, so that he could come back to abandon his newly crippled wife.

John McCain is such a maverick that nobody believes he’s really a Republican, but in the “abandoning your ailing wife for a new young wife” department, McCain is 100% GOP. We will hear lots more about Carol McCain, the swimsuit model Walnuts married when Barack Obama was almost four years old and divorced when Barack Obama was still in high school! But will we see more of her? This is the only known picture of John and Carol.

SUNDAY AFTERNOON SABBATH READING: Here is today’s selection for Wonkette’s Sunday Afternoon Sabbath Reading, for you to enjoy after church and before your pot roast supper. It’s the tale of how John McCain married a swimsuit model in 1965, adopted her two children, had another child with her, and grew so bored with domestic life that he asked to fight in Vietnam. While in captivity, his wife became mildly crippled in a car accident, leading John McCain to cheat on her repeatedly when he returned, until finally he abandoned her — in a “mid-life crisis” that he had, yes, 28 years ago — for a young, gorgeous beer heiress whose father could make him a Congressman. Pissed about Hillary? Vote McCain! [Daily Mail]