Tag Archives: carly fiorina

  A noun a verb and Hewlett-Packard

Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate

It's not because she's a woman, everybody just wants to see the demon sheep again.
It’s not because she’s a woman, it’s because of that Demon Sheep look in her eyes. Remember how Carly Fiorina has been complaining all the time, like every day, except for how she is SO NOT COMPLAINING (she’s been complaining), that CNN has some sort of lame “rules” about who gets to stand under Donald Trump’s armpits at the next debate? Well, all that complaining has paid off, because CNN decided to change the rules, JUST FOR HER, AWWWWWWW: Read more on Carly Fiorina Gets Lady Quota Affirmative Actioned Into Next Republican Debate…
  Unfair!

So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already

Remember, you guys, when we guesstimated Carly Fiorina was not one of the hopping-so-mad second-tier Republican candidates who anonymously baby-cried to POLITICO that Fox News made them sit at the kids’ table and not get to do real prime time debating with Donald Trump and the other grown-ups? Read more on So Lame How CNN Won’t Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already…
  This should help

Carly Fiorina Did Great Job At Hewlett-Packard, Says Guy Who Fired Her

She can almost picture being a success Carly Fiorina is still, good GAWD y’all, promising to run on her record of very nearly destroying Hewlett-Packard “all day long.” (We keep telling her this is a bad idea, but she doesn’t listen to us. Maybe that’s why she’s losing!) Read more on Carly Fiorina Did Great Job At Hewlett-Packard, Says Guy Who Fired Her…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won’t be there. OR WILL SHE? Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite “journalism” at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited. Read more on Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar’s Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  S-M-R-T

Carly Fiorina Says All The Stupid On Climate Change And Then Some

It's not because she's a woman, everybody just wants to see the demon sheep again.
That lady Republican in pink, Carly Fiorina, is enjoying her 15 minutes, so she’s working overtime to barf out as much conservative stupid as she can before her time is up. Look, here she is talking stuff about climate change with America’s favorite hardest-hitting interviewer, Katie Couric. Expert tree-hugger David Roberts provides a Vox listiclesplainer of how every single word out of Fiorina’s mouth is factually inaccurate, and you can look at charts and graphs and percentages and SCIENCE FACTS if you want to get your nerd on. Read more on Carly Fiorina Says All The Stupid On Climate Change And Then Some…
  Waaaaaaaaah

GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers

Now we just need a tiny violin Oh, look at these poor little cry babies, all in need of a nap: Two weeks after the first Republican presidential debate in Cleveland, several candidates scraping the bottom of primary polls are still seething about their treatment — and ripping party leadership for what they describe as, at best careless, and at worst intentional, decisions that embarrassed them on national TV. Seems the biggest losers in the Republican race — the dried puppy turds on the bottom of your shoe, as it were — are still pouting about how they had to stand in an empty room and pretend to debate each other while most of America was stopping by Kool Chain Bar & Grill for some happy hour apps and frozen blended umbrella drinks before heading home to watch the real Republican presidential debate, starring Donald Trump and nine other people who are not Donald Trump. Read more on GOP Losers So Mad At GOP For Treating Them Like Losers…
  all the dicks that're fit to lick

Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly

Not yooge. There I was, minding everyone’s business, reading EOnline I guess. “The woman in question this time around was supermodel Heidi Klum. ‘Sometimes I do go a little bit far,’ [Donald Trump] admitted, before adding, ‘Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.'” Read more on Donald Trump, Who Owns Everything But A Mirror, Called Heidi Klum Ugly…
  It's Trump All The Way Down

Republicans Want Trump, And If Not Him, Then Maybe Trump Would Do

Trump / Trump 2016!
Trump/Trump 2016! How much do Republican primary voters love Donald Trump? So much that he didn’t only lead the latest CNN/ORC poll, released Tuesday — the Walking Headcase also led the list of respondents’ second choice for president as well. Then again, maybe the results would be different if CNN were polling regular people instead of Orcs. (Elves and Wizards are definitely for Bernie Sanders, while the top response among Hobbits is “Can’t talk now, eating.”) Read more on Republicans Want Trump, And If Not Him, Then Maybe Trump Would Do…
  Enjoy it while it lasts

Now That Everyone Loves Carly Fiorina, Let’s Remember Why She Sucks

This will not end well All right. So. There is good news and bad news for Fail Queen Fiorina, the pink-suited Republican lady candidate who beated all the boys in the debate for second-tier losers. Good news: People are like, huh, who was that? She said words gooder than Rick Perry did, I will Google her to find out her story! Bad news: People are Googling her to find out her story. And it does not have a happy ending. Read more on Now That Everyone Loves Carly Fiorina, Let’s Remember Why She Sucks…
  This could get exciting!

Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President

What is she up to now? Here is a thing that happened: We would never assume that former member of Congress and one-time presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann would automatically support Carly Fiorina for president, just because of how she is a batshit crazy conservative rightwing Republican lady, just like Bachmann. As far as we can tell, she shares all of Bachmann’s exact same values, so you’d think Bachmann would be like, “Woot, Carly4Prez!” But that would makes us the REAL SEXISTS, maybe? Read more on Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President…
  Money money money

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?

PAY UP. Welcome back, sinners. It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! We would like to take this time to remind our readers that unless you’ve paid your monthly $7.99 readers’ fee, in addition to keeping up on your annual $150 membership fee to our 2 Smart 4 Scammers Club, and thrown in a couple extra bucks towards Donna Rose’s college fund while you’re at it, you are forbidden to read this week’s edition of the Snake Oil Bulletin. We tried to erect a paywall like some sort of real newspaper, but we can’t afford to build that paywall unless you pay us the money to keep you away from our content! Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Why Did Jesus Send Us To Collections, Mommy?…
  Real talk

Carly Fiorina Goes Anti-Vaxxer Stupid, Still Won’t Be President

Maybe the demon sheep ruined HP.
The stupid, it burns when you pee Fresh off her glorious triumph over her fellow second-tier Republican presidential candidates (ooh, she did words more better than Rick Perry, impressive!), our nation at long last is ready to tune in to the wit and wisdom of Carly Fiorina. And what, pray tell, does that sound like? Read more on Carly Fiorina Goes Anti-Vaxxer Stupid, Still Won’t Be President…
  squeal for me baby

You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To

Stupid Fox News. Stupid RNC. Stupid everyone who didn’t support Rick Perry and made him debate at the kids’ table and now he is out of money and doubtless going to be the first to drop out of the presidential race because he is having to do mortifying things like “fly commercial” and who are we going to diddle our beans at now, beady-eyed ferret-dad Scott Walker? Rick Perry may be A Idiot, but he’s got a real purty mouth, and we like to look at it and think bad thoughts, STOP JUDGING ME YOU’RE THE ONE WHO GOT A BONE FOR AARON SCHOCK. Read more on You (Probably) Won’t Have Sexy Daddy Rick Perry To Kick Around, Fap To…
  Republicans in so much damned disarray

Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome

They sure love us
How’s the lady outreach going? The Republican Party is in the middle of a terribly bloody fight right now about which one of these assholes is the biggest asshole to women. (Hint: It’s all of them.) Thanks to the party’s current favorite presidential contender, Donald Trump, the GOP is trying, yet again, to prove it does not hate Vagina-Americans. And, like all the other failed attempts before this one, it’s going as well as you’d expect. Read more on Republicans Bleeding From Their Everywheres, And It Is Awesome…
  Hillary be like ROTFLMAO

Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans

This election is going better than 2008, we think.
Donald Trump is under the impression he won Thursday’s debate, but that honor may actually go to America’s queen, Hillary “Hillz” Clinton, who seems to be having a gay old time, no homo, making fun of all the doofuses and dillweeds what are running against her on the Republican side. First we have the video above, which her campaign released just in case people missed the debate and want to see what happened. It’s got Jeb! Bush not knowing when the primaries are, Rand Paul and Chris Christie slap-fighting like schoolchildren, Donald Trump calling every lady in America a “fat pig,” and so on. Read more on Hillary Clinton Can’t Stop Laughing At Dumbass Republicans…