Tag Archives: carly fiorina

  She was quite a success if you don't look at the failure

Epic Failure Businesslady Carly Fiorina To Do For America What She Did For Hewlett Packard: Almost Kill It

Carly Fiorina, who will never be president but who is still putting on quite the show of pretending she just might be — said on “Fox News Sunday” there’s a “higher than 90 percent” chance she’ll run in 2016, which means there’s a higher than 90 percent chance we should all gird our loins in giddy anticipation of “Demon Sheep II: The Sheepening.” Read more on Epic Failure Businesslady Carly Fiorina To Do For America What She Did For Hewlett Packard: Almost Kill It…
  Baking soda has so many uses!

Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair

We have absolutely no patience for dumb people who have special braindead ideas about how to cure cancer or AIDS or stubbed toes or anything else, so let us throw to the wolves (YOU, rabid Wonkette commenters!) Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore, because she is a dumb dick, if there ever was a template for “dumb dick,” like if Mavis Beacon was trying to teach you how to type “dumb dick,” it would involve typing the letters of Fiore’s name over and over until you get it right, KEEP PRACTICING, YOU WILL GET IT: Read more on Idiot Nevada Rep Lady Will Wash That Cancer Right Outta Your Hair…
  It's the Derp-Derpiest Time Of The Year

Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place

Bachmann kept trying to get the Riddler into Conversion Therapy
Oh, dear lord, Iowa is going to be like a superdense mass of Dumb this weekend, as Rep. Steve King and Citizens United host the “Iowa Freedom Summit” — kind of a Moronic Convergence of rightwing political hacks all coming together to hang out with the man who proclaimed that DREAM Act kids were mostly “drug mules with thighs calves the size of cantaloupes” [how quickly we forget!] and who fretted about the president hosting a “deportable” at the State of the Union. Read more on Iowa Freedom Summit To Gather Most Of America’s Rightwing Idiots In One Place…
  #RIPpatriarchy

GOP Ladies Cool With Letting Menfolk Do All The Presidenting, Thanks

We all know the GOP is the real party of, by, and for chicks because they have told us SO many times. But that doesn’t mean they care about how Chick-Americans are doing in these American United States. Or whether Chick-Americans ever obtain anything laughably approaching equality in the workplace or our government or anywhere else, really. Come ON. It’s one thing to have campaign ads that show pictures of Republican women being Republican — and women! — but it’s something else entirely to care about whether those pretty ladies ever hold any actual power. Read more on GOP Ladies Cool With Letting Menfolk Do All The Presidenting, Thanks…
  rap battles

Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)

Breaking political news to grandchildren is the pits
Well, it had to happen sometime, and apparently that “sometime” is 2016, because Barbara Boxer, one of the best liberals to ever lib up the Senate chamber with her San Francisco valyews, has announced to her grandson on video that she will not be seeking re-election in 2016, citing her desire to spend more time with her California. Is she RETIRING, though? Golly gee no, because there are still many, many things to be done. We are not certain whether she intended to release this announcement, or whether her grandson set this video to “public” on accident, but it’s out there now, can’t go back! Let’s watch it. I’ll live-blog, you laugh, got it? Me type words, you react in jolly manner. Let’s go: Read more on Who Will Be California’s Next Barbara Boxer? (Hint: It Is Probably Scott Brown)…
  the clown car packs in another one

Carly Fiorina Hiring Staff For Pretend Presidential Campaign Cosplay

Even more terrifying than the thought of Carly FIorina with the nuclear launch codes.
So it looks more and more as if this could really happen. As if the primaries for the 2016 GOP presidential nomination were not already going to be hilarious enough, chances continue to increase that they will include one-time Barbara Boxer chew toy Carly Fiorina. Get ready for Demon Sheep II: Return of Demon Sheep! Read more on Carly Fiorina Hiring Staff For Pretend Presidential Campaign Cosplay…
  We’re just not that into her

Carly Fiorina Begs America To Beg Her To Run For President

The view from inside Carly's head
Photo by Beth Ethier Lady Republican Carly Fiorina — whose name is pretty much synonymous with “EPIC FAIL” and “Demon Sheep” and “LOL!!!” — is pretty sure there is a groundswell of grassroots support for her to run for president. At least if she can convince the grassroots to start swelling. Read more on Carly Fiorina Begs America To Beg Her To Run For President…
  ballroom blitz

Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party

Image via Federalist Society video If you were in the nation’s capital over the weekend, you might have sensed a certain something in the air. Beyond DC’s typical ambient pomposity, there was an extra whiff of self-satisfied libertarianism and an elevated concentration of unironic bowties in the area of Connecticut and L, where the Federalist Society had set up shop for the 2014 National Lawyers Convention [sic: we’ve sent a search party for the apostrophe that has apparently gone missing from that title]. Read more on Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party…
  But what is he really trying to say?!?

Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children

Subtle!
Because it is exactly three weeks to Election Day, it is also the time for desperate candidates who are going to be very sad on Election Day night to whip out the Hail Mary ads because why not? Read more on Jerry Brown Will Drown All Your Children…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Republicans have a new plan to woo the lady voters, and it’s new! And a plan! And unlike all the other new plans they’ve been trying, this one is totally going to work. (Spoiler: It is not going to work.) Read more on GOP Reveals New New Extra New Plan to ‘Empower’ Women By Telling Them They Are Stupid…
  big shot

Wannabe Nebraska Governor Will Beat Up Obama Doll For Freedom

As political satirical fun time bloggers, we applaud the new ease with which any candidate anywhere can make themselves a YouTube and spit out a campaign ad, because that really has been comedy gold for us over the past few years. Even the big folks have used YouTube to get weird, like Ted Cruz with his David Dewhurst = Chupacabra ad in 2011, and our most beloved ad of all time, Carly Fiorina’s demon sheep. But you don’t need to be a big budget type to get yourself a viral video sort of thingy, as evidenced by this obamahead-slapping fellow, Nebraska state senator Beau McCoy, who is running for governor of the Plains State or the Flat State or whatever they call themselves. Cornhuskers? Or is that Iowa?? Read more on Wannabe Nebraska Governor Will Beat Up Obama Doll For Freedom…
  where has he been all our life?

Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White

There is so much actual news happening, you guys. We are filled to the gills with actual news and it is killing us. We need some breathing room to find new ways to snark and we really really need some time to develop more swear-y synonyms to describe people who are assholes. So — time to take a step away from Serious News and make fun of this what-the-fuck law professor John Eastman from Orange County, California, that is going to explain to us all that the Supremes decision yesterday means Prop 8 stands and no one can get gay married nyah nyah nyah: Read more on Genius Orange County Law School Prof Explains That Prop 8 Is Still In Effect, Up Is Down And Black Is White…
  video catastrophes

Here Is Your 2011 Demon Sheep Ad, This Time With Chupacabras

There is that saying, about imitation and flattery and whatever, but all we know is that here is another insane campaign commercial starring a bunch of demon creatures, not unlike the beloved Demon Sheep of Carly Fiorina, circa 2010. This strange video does not really come close to being that terrifying, but it is still bizarre and confusing, because since when does Bigfoot live in Texas, first of all? Read more on Here Is Your 2011 Demon Sheep Ad, This Time With Chupacabras…
  our flourishing economy

Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman

Unloved corporate failure Meg Whitman was last seen insisting that she should be governor of California because goddammit, she paid $141 million to be governor of California. And now the former eBay executive has re-appeared on the public stage, with news that she will be hired to run the ruined tech company Hewlett Packard. The rumor/announcement was greeted by a global plunge in all stocks, led by a collapse in all technology shares. Why can’t she just leave Earth alone? Aren’t things bad enough without Meg Whitman? Read more on Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman…
  shoot your youtube

2010: The Year In Dumb Political Videos

It was a magical year with magical moments, such as this “live mic” (and live camera) recording of vulgar gazillionaire Carly Fiorina running for Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat based on such insights as “Barbara Boxer’s hair is stupid.” In this short video clip, on a single morning in America (June 10, 2010), Carly lost all of her hard-won “cancer points” and immediately became the Mean Girl of the campaign — the kind of person who would fire thousands of people from one of the last American companies that made things, just because it was the mean thing to do. But what else was terrible and also on video this year? Read more on 2010: The Year In Dumb Political Videos…
  California Über Alles

Carly Fiorina In Hospital, Meg Whitman Concedes To Governor Brown

Let’s check in with our California Bureau to see what’s going on with all the hawt governor races and Senate races and the Marijuana Legalize It law and other such concerns in the world’s fifth sixth seventh ninth tenth biggest failed economy. First, the Republican lady who destroyed so many lives in California, Carly Fiorina, is in the Hospital! She has some scary infection related to her cancer surgery. It would be a shame if this is what makes her lose to Barbara Boxer, because Fiorina is such a vapid mean-girl dolt that it’s basically unfair to Breast Cancer if her Poor Health trumps the many other reasons she is completely unqualified to serve in the Senate. Also, Meg Whitman accidentally and hilariously made a commercial endorsing Jerry Brown for governor! Read more on Carly Fiorina In Hospital, Meg Whitman Concedes To Governor Brown…
  it's morning in america

Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’

California heavyweight Barbara Boxer pulled no punches as she savagely pounded newcomer rival Carly Fiorina in a decision knockout filled with low blows and direct hits. Before a ringside audience outside San Francisco, Boxer dominated despite a height disadvantage (she literally stood her ground atop a wooden box) and Fiorina’s low blows and cheap shots. Fiorina, showing her roots as a nasty boardroom brawler better known for taking down her own entourage than for defeating opponents, was bloodied by Boxer’s repeated slams. What? You mean we don’t need to use all the boxing metaphors this morning? Okay, well Fiorina … got her ass handed to her? What sport is that? Read more on Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’… Read more on Barbara Boxer Does Boxing Analogy To Carly Fiorina’s ‘Wall Street Values’…
  money can't buy me love

SarahPAC Handing Out Princely Sums To Everyone (Except Nikki Haley)

Hey, you guys, SarahPAC, remember that thing? The institutional arm by which our gal Sarah was going to extend her influence across the face of the Republican Party? Well, it’s sure made some sweet YouTubes, but what else has the PAC done with the, let’s see, $916,000 it received in the mail, in wadded-up $10 bills, soaked with tears and rage-spittle? And why are Sarah and Nikki Haley only BFFs in non-monetary ways? Read more on SarahPAC Handing Out Princely Sums To Everyone (Except Nikki Haley)…
  campaign scrapbooks

Carly Fiorina’s Got a Posse (It Is Very Small!)

GOP Senate candidate and high-tech dynamo Carly Fiorina has been sending her loyal supporters to protest Barbara Boxer and her new “Jobs for California Tour” — aka the “broken promises tour,” ha. Fiorina’s paparazzi have been taking pictures of her protester armies and posting them on her online Twitpic photo album, to show We the Tweeple how much she’s loved. But maybe she should stop it because HEY WHERE IS EVERYBODY? Read more on Carly Fiorina’s Got a Posse (It Is Very Small!)…
  eat like a philosopher-king

Food That Will Harden Your Arteries and Make You Powerful

So much for eating your veggies and growing a garden and doing jumping jacks until you’re skin and bones. If we’ve learned anything this year, it’s that the only way to get ahead in politics is to get really fat — that or have cancer and exploit yourself. And DC is just the place to do both: The city may be full of organic, hormone-free, kid tested, mother approved restaurants, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also get a fatty, unhealthy meal here, too. As for cancer, well, just keep drinking the lovely tap water. Read more on Food That Will Harden Your Arteries and Make You Powerful…