Hooray, basically all news is now just an experiment by some bored professor or newspaper intern to show that you, the person who reads shit on the Internet all day, will happily repeat and re-blog and re-tweet any fucking thing you hear or see, about anything, instantly, because that’s all people do in 2010. And that means your favorite president of France right now, Nicholas Sarkozy, and Wonkette’s favorite French singer right now (except for maybe Charlotte Gainsbourg), Carla Bruni, are still married and not known to be actually screwing around on each other yet. MORE »

Oh look who’s on the cover of Vanity Fair, and also wearing clothes for a change? It’s Carla Bruni, latest wife of Hungarian president of France Nicolas Sarkozy. What did she do to achieve this honor? Well, according to the headline, the Italian singer/supermodel’s marriage to a French president might just make her the new “Jackie O,” which was what tabloids called Jacqueline Kennedy in the decades after her husband, President John F. Kennedy, was murdered by Lyndon Johnson/the Mob/Richard Nixon/the CIA/Cuban Wingnuts and she married a Greek Tycoon named Aristotle Onassis, who was eventually murdered or just died of being old, and her name was then “Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis.” Anyway, you can see why Carla Bruni might just be the new Jackie O. [Vanity Fair] MORE »

Barack Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy had been engaging in some “heavy petting” during this Congressional Trip, until this moment. During their joint press conference, CNN’s Christiane Amanpour asks Sarkozy if he feels awkward praising black Obama when, only a few years ago, he was calling black French rioters “scum,” the worst word in the world. MORE »

Here is a photo of France’s new First Lady arriving in England with her midget husband. Her outfit speaks diplomatic volumes: flats, so as not to tower over M. Sarkozy; modest tweed, so as to remind Camilla of her youth back in the Depression. (In turn, Camilla wears a trashy befeathered nightmare hat because she is a tart.) But the real question is, why would a rail-thin former model be sporting a little belly pooch? We smell shotgun wedding. [The Sun]

French “first lady” Carla Bruni made her living by being photographed partially or completely naked for 20 years, so nude photographs of the supermodel/singer are extremely rare. There are only 32,800 such images currently available for free on the Internets, which is why lonely old Englishmen are expected to bid up to £2,000 ($1 billion U.S.) for this old picture of Naked Carla Bruni, which also appears in the Telegraph article about the auction. Christie’s will next auction an exclusive image of “LOLcats” for £100 Zillion. [Telegraph]

BUT WHAT DOES THE NEW MRS. FRENCH PRESIDENT LOOK LIKE NAKED? (Not safe for Evangelicals, unless they want to say “Dear God” to a picture of a naked woman.) Here she is, Carla Bruni, songwriter and supermodel and likely new wife of French President Nicolas Sarkozy, along with an article about how she freaked out a UK journalist by answering the door topless. [Daily Mail]

Serious political sites everywhere are presenting this political photograph so that readers might help solve this great political mystery: Is French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s girlfriend, model and songwriter Carla Bruni, pregnant from Sarkozy’s center-right sperm? Or did she just have a small bit of food recently? [Huffington Post]

You know, what, Nick? Screw you. I’ve tried to be your friend, but you never call back or reply to my emails and you sent lackeys to enforce the restraining order and it’s just not cool. You want to marry her in a secret ceremony and then jet off to Saudi Arabia? Whatevs. She’s getting what she deserves if you’re spending your “honeymoon” apart and she’s been dating you barely a month. I mean, i thought the French practically invented le préservatif, so you think you’d know how to use one. I’m through obsessing now. Have a great life. [Yahoo News]

SUB-HUMAN FREAKS: “French Use Happiness As Economic Measure.” [WTOP/AP]

Um, seriously, kids, I know you’re French, but you’ve been dating, what, a month? And you’re getting married in another month? This screams bad idea. I mean, are your approval ratings so low that you have to marry your girlfriend to get them back up again? What, again, is the purpose of being the President of France if you can’t play the field a bit after your divorce? Also, I am not asking these things because I am jealous. I’m not even a little bit jealous (though, if you had said you date blondes but marry brunettes, I could have done something about that). [Yahoo News]

Hey, Carla, I know we’ve never really talked. I don’t want you to think I’m one of those exes who is all jealous of the new woman, and you’re at least the second one since Nick and I called it quits. But, seriously, honey, all the Egyptian vacations in the world might not be able to make this particular guy be faithful right now. I mean, he seems like he’s lining them up pretty far in advance, if the following picture is any guide.

MORE »

Look, babe, I know it’s hard to go through a divorce and then watch a catch like me move on with her life without you. We’ve talked about it before, and I’ve tried to be cool. But, seriously, you need to stop acting like a horny 15 year-old. First it’s private dinners with that TV lady, then it’s that horrid flirtation with that greasy Libyan, and now you’re cavorting around Euro Disney with Carla Bruni? With your kids in tow (a total no-no for the divorced dad if you’re not serious)? And then, this morning, you’re all touching Condi in a way that obviously makes her uncomfortable? Nick, honey, you’re the head of state of France. Take a deep breath, and stop trying to fuck everything that moves. It’s getting a little embarrassing being associated with you. [Yahoo News]