Tag Archives: car accidents

  posts we'll almost certainly feel bad about later

Let’s Speculate Wildly About The Sec’y Of Commerce’s Crazed Rear-Ending Spree (Update)

When we say “Secretary of Commerce,” what’s the first thing that pops into your mind? For 95 percent of you, it’s probably “Secretary of what?” or “What of Commerce?” But the true hardcore politics nerds among you think “Ah ha, former Washington Governor Gary Locke! One of Obama’s two Asian-American cabinet picks!” And then you’re smug, for knowing this. EXCEPT that in fact Gary Locke hasn’t been Commerce Secretary for over a year (he replaced failed moderate Jon Huntsman as ambassador to China, probably a much more important job, commerce-wise)! No, the current guy is “John Bryson,” who you might vaguely remember as outraging environmentalist types by being a ex-utility exec, but also outraging James Inhofe because he doesn’t want to poison the atmosphere to the extent that we all need to move into tunnel-cities and evolve into underground mole people. Anyhoo, for the next 72 hours or so you will hear “Secretary of Commerce” and think, “Oh, that guy who couldn’t stop ramming cars with his Lexus in a vaguely dodgy part of Los Angeles County yesterday, what’s his deal?” UPDATED BELOW! Read more on Let’s Speculate Wildly About The Sec’y Of Commerce’s Crazed Rear-Ending Spree (Update)…
  it's morning in america

Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete

Conditions at the Fukushima Daiichi plant are worsening by the day, and the general consensus seems to be that the plant’s damaged nuclear reactors are beyond repair. Remember when Japan was dumping helicopter-loads of water on the plant, to “cool down” the reactors? Ha-ha, there’s been a slight change of plans. Officials have requested the world’s largest concrete pump, which is being hastily flown from Atlanta, and then they are going to bury the reactors in concrete. Disaster averted! Meanwhile, the workers who are still at the scene have to share radiation-detection devices — meaning often times they have no idea how much radiation they are being exposed to — and they also sleep on the floor, with “only one blanket each to wrap themselves around.” Many of these selfless workers are expected to die. Anyway … Happy April 1st jokes and pranks day! [ABC] Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete… Read more on Nuclear Crisis Plan B: Bury Japan In Concrete…
  bender

Antonin Scalia Unable To Kill Anybody In Car ‘Accident’

How Antonin Scalia has managed to drive himself around in traffic this long without giving into his urge to deliver a vehicular capital-punishment verdict to fellow motorists is beyond us, but apparently he did cause a four-car accident on the George Washington Parkway yesterday, and to his probable dismay, there were no casualties. According to a witness who, because this is Washington, is a former reporter herself, Scalia slammed his “shiny black BMW” (the official vehicle of wannabe Nazi Darth Vaders, probably) into the back of the car in front of him, which then pushed two more cars into the next lane, causing, again, zero fatalities. Better luck next time, Scalia. Read more on Antonin Scalia Unable To Kill Anybody In Car ‘Accident’…
  winners of the future

Palin Fans Organizing Plan To All Pull Over To Side of Road For Some Reason

Personality cultists have such an abiding faith in their messenger that they’re certain everyone will accept this cult figure if only everyone could hear the message more often. And that brings us to the Palin-worshiping conservative group Stand Up America, which just wants all Americans not otherwise occupied with a job or kids or whatever to drive to their “nearest highway or main route” on March 13 at 4 p.m. Eastern time and then pull off to the side of the road, presumably causing all kinds of traffic jams and car accidents. Why? “Sarah Palin called the Obama Administration’s actions the ‘Road to Ruin’!” Okay, yeah, that sentence tells this group what it should do, on the highway. Read more on Palin Fans Organizing Plan To All Pull Over To Side of Road For Some Reason…
  get a car save a life

Michelle Obama’s Hatred of Fatsos Killing Pedestrians

Every news headline should include a question mark, because readers don’t turn to the news for facts, they turn to it for insinuation. And at least one individual at the Daily Caller caller understands this, gracing the world with this story: “Highway safety spokesperson blames pedestrian deaths on Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign?” Question mark indeed. This article links to a Washington Examiner interview with Governors Highway Safety Association Executive Director Barbara Harsha, who opined that the rise in pedestrian deaths from 2009 to 2010 may be due to people heeding Michelle Obama’s initiative to move around and eat healthily instead of scraping off one’s own bedsores, dipping them in garlic butter, and forgetting to chew them on the way down. Yeah, that’s probably it. Read more on Michelle Obama’s Hatred of Fatsos Killing Pedestrians…
  so much for keeping this under fifty words

Joe Biden’s Infamous Motorcade Of Blood & Death Attacks Olympics

In terms of immediate danger, the most relieving aspect of Barack Obama’s inauguration for Washingtonians, it seemed, was an end to eight terrifying years of hearing that ominous, Satanic whisper in the distance while walking on the sidewalk; hearing it grow louder, more cackling, piercing, as seconds pass by and toxic orange fire clouds begin to accumulate and travel in unison with the Death Laughter, all from the same direction — originating in the northwest, emitting from a row of chimneys atop a secluded dungeon at postal address One Observatory Circle. Fire and toxins and hellish whirrs, rushing at otherworldly velocities; then, the (thuds) and exhausting screams of not-so-distant clipped commuters in bike lanes, joining the apocalpytic cacophony of fire and torture and lava and genocide; a swirling Wagnerian hell-on-earth massacre of souls, the white noise of human souls being tangibly destroyed, louder and faster and deadlier and bloodier until VVVVRRROOOSSHHH arrives the envoy of armored SUV limousines, dozens of them, fire-emitting metal spikes guarding their fronts as they launch 2,000-MPH Incendiary Total War on the objects of Massachusetts Avenue, 9-foot-tall fully-armed Halliburton orcs spraying aerial swarms of leaden death at nearby elementary schools from each vehicle’s side windows, invincible red-eyed death robots with nuclear warhead gun-arms emerging from each sunroof, nuking nearby black women and children, and you realize: “Oh right, Dick Cheney’s giving a speech at the Heritage Foundation this morning.” But with Joe Biden, it’s just been more of the same. Read more on Joe Biden’s Infamous Motorcade Of Blood & Death Attacks Olympics…
  officially a meme

Joe Biden Vaguely Connected To Another Car Crash

One week after killing someone, Joe Biden’s bloodthirsty stampede of vehicles has struck again. An NYPD car leading his motorcade crashed into a “livery cab” on its way to a Daily Show taping this afternoon. (Joe Biden’s on the Daily Show tonight — maybe he’ll have one of his patented “gaffes”!) These people driving cars tangentially connected to the vice president, who are they? And yes, it’s been several months, so Bob Novak jokes are cool. [NYDN, photo via “fleshtone” at Gothamist] Read more on Joe Biden Vaguely Connected To Another Car Crash…
  joe lieberman is a virgin

Joe Lieberman Ruined By Barack Obama Cake In Bus Crash

More information has leaked about the Straight Talk Express destroying America’s minivans in Miami on Wednesday, a.k.a. “The Monica Lewinsky Scandal.” What of the bus passenger asshole Joe Lieberman, was he hurt in the crash? No, but he was attacked by a biracial cake: “A little more to that Miami traffic accident yesterday involving Joe Lieberman aboard the Straight Talk Express: Turns out the impact sent a staffer’s chocolate birthday cake with thick white frosting smack into the Connecticut senator.” EAT IT UP, GRAMPY. Read more on Joe Lieberman Ruined By Barack Obama Cake In Bus Crash…
  death and carnage

Straight Talk Express Demolishes Minivan In Florida

John McCain’s armored mammoth-of-death, the famous Straight Talk Express bus, completely destroyed a minivan making a right turn yesterday in Miami. The minivan was holding a black person, maybe, we don’t actually know. The Straight Talk Express was holding Joe Lieberman. *Just saying.* Read more on Straight Talk Express Demolishes Minivan In Florida…