The old Captain America was shot dead, and then arrested for drunkenly putting a burrito in his pants, in Florida, and now he’s coming back to the comics, but this time with a gun. [Fox News]

The official story was that Captain America, Nazi-fighting comic hero and symbol of America’s love of primary colors and muscle definition, had been killed by an unidentified sniper — though rumors circulated that he’d shot himself in disgrace after realizing the extent of the crimes of those he’d so publicly cozied up with. The sad truth came more than a month later. MORE »

Hey everybody, Captain America wasn’t shot dead after all! He’s totally alive, and also in jail for drunkenly fondling some gal at a bar in Florida.

Watch America’s corpse get defiled again, after the jump.

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It’s bad enough that every single thing the administration has claimed from September 11 onward has been a complete lie, and that they’ve shamed America with two lost wars and drowned cities and record graft and seething hatred of Family Values. But when the only real Hero of the doomed occupations turned out to be a Bush critic who was literally shot dead by his fellow Army Rangers, a dazed and broken nation decided to focus on snack foods and porn again. MORE »

Having decided that’s it’s just not funny anymore to have a heroic character called “Captain America,” Marvel Comics has killed off the famed comic-book “super soldier.” Created in the 1940s as a cartoon foe of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, the Captain has had some hard times. Nobody loves America and we aren’t exactly winning wars these days. Read the whole sad story, after the jump.

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