What is happening at the horrible Capitol Building? According to the teevee, an airplane crossed into restricted air space over Washington, and Congress was about to be evacuated, but then the plane turned away. The terrorists lose today, phew! But are these phantoms and banshees haunting the building, still? A reporter operative writes, “According to sources, a chandelier in the Capitol crypt has fallen to the floor. No one is hurt.” ALL CAPITOL OPERATIVES ARE ORDERED to take pictures of the BANSHEE SPECTRE and send them to Wonkette. We need to catch this terrorist ghoul (and the Illegal Mexican Goblin too).

According to Roll Call, “Capitol Police have taken into custody a man seen carrying a shotgun near First and D streets Northeast,” which is right next to America’s Capitol Building. We know who’s behind this… MORE »

The Nats’ new stadium has been under construction since last year, and it’ll be ready in time for the ‘08 season opener. The Capitol Visitor Center has been under construction since, like, the McKinley administration and its opening has been delayed yet again! More importantly, when the fuck will the Columbia Heights Target open?? That’s the real travesty here. [CQ via NYT]

Subject: FIRE FIRE FIRE
in rayburn or something????? anyway, get on it!

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We’ve been waiting for Jim Webb to go crazy in public and start killing his enemies, and it appears the pieces are falling into place. Here’s what we now know about this morning’s arrest: MORE »

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An embedded congressional operative recently sent us this little document, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Because we are living in a world where Lite-Brites shut down major cities for entire panicky days, Congress cannot be too careful when it comes to obviously harmless signifiers of childlike joy.

So if you’d like to send Michele Bachmann some chocolates, remember that “flowers, cards, candy, and gifts of any type” will be held “off-site” in quarantine for at least two days.

Furthermore, if you’d like to directly send Denny Hastert a pick-me-up bouquet, someone in his office will have to engage in some Deep Throat shit to pick it up:

If you are contacted by a delivery person who wants to deliver cut flowers, please instruct the delivery person to meet you in an outside public area. You must meet the delivery person, inspect the flowers and bring the flowers into the House Office complex yourself.

The vigilance of the Capitol Police has ensured that the easiest way to completely shut down the entire Capitol complex this Valentine’s season is to send everyone in congress a single rose.

Full policy after the jump.

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House Minority John Boehner has the best office in Congress: ’cause you know you can smoke it it, and it turns out it’s always filled with ladies. MORE »

How does the mind of George W. Bush or whoever actually runs the government work? We don’t know, and we know even less as the years go by. But surely there are clues in Bush’s strange, rude, anti-business and generally weird yet elitist response to the death of the man who helped put the Bushes in power: MORE »

The entire Capitol and all the offices are filled with losers needing to clean out their junk, but still hanging out and refusing to leave. Two of those losers are departing Senators Jim Talent and George Allen. How are they coping with life in the private sector? Not particularly well, as two tipsters informed us this afternoon.

First, Senator Talent — a smart man, if a somewhat conspicuous one:

There is a huge tower of boxes in the hallway of the 4th floor of the Russell Senate Office Building labeled “Senator Talent’s Office. Please Shred”.

We like the directness. Anyone manage to snag a picture?

After the jump, a brief George Allen story that will warm the macacockles of your heart.

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