Wonkette

* Heard on the Hill: Times Magazine runs a picture of Obama and David Axelrod together in Obama’s Senate office, in possible violation of election law… Capitol Police fail to rescue injured squirrels. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Some celebrities are taller than you’d expect, and vice versa. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Tom Tancredo is against sending some tv person to a Mexican prison… Get ready for the DC “Commission on Fashion Arts and Events,” to celebrate the worst-dressed town on the eastern seaboard! … Kerry loses to Bush in car chase… Hillary apparently only person in Washington not willing to make nice with unfunny old jackass Don Imus. [Examiner]
* Inside the Beltway: WALNUTS! needs to grow a goatee to complete his gradual transition into an evil totalitarian film villain. [WT]
* The Sleuth: Now you are allowed to sympathize with Elizabeth Edwards without giving her husband money. [WP]
* Washington Whispers: Newt Gingrich now a tree-hugging hippie… Chuck Hagel has a book coming out about how he’s maybe running for president maybe. [USN&WR]

Keith Ellison (D, al-Qaeda), last seen flushing Thomas Jefferson’s Koran down the toilet after swearing upon it to destroy us all, then viciously attacking Virgil Goode on the floor of of the House while Dennis Kucinich looked on and laughed maniacally, is at it again. MORE »

An embedded congressional operative recently sent us this little document, just in time for Valentine’s Day. Because we are living in a world where Lite-Brites shut down major cities for entire panicky days, Congress cannot be too careful when it comes to obviously harmless signifiers of childlike joy.

So if you’d like to send Michele Bachmann some chocolates, remember that “flowers, cards, candy, and gifts of any type” will be held “off-site” in quarantine for at least two days.

Furthermore, if you’d like to directly send Denny Hastert a pick-me-up bouquet, someone in his office will have to engage in some Deep Throat shit to pick it up:

If you are contacted by a delivery person who wants to deliver cut flowers, please instruct the delivery person to meet you in an outside public area. You must meet the delivery person, inspect the flowers and bring the flowers into the House Office complex yourself.

The vigilance of the Capitol Police has ensured that the easiest way to completely shut down the entire Capitol complex this Valentine’s season is to send everyone in congress a single rose.

Full policy after the jump.

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* Heard on the Hill: “On Friday afternoon, Capitol Police put out an all-points bulletin indicating that ‘multiple individuals were harassing or being too forward with Sen. [Barack] Obama (D-Ill.)’ inside the Hart Senate Office Building.” … The first 100 hours were neither first nor 100 hours… Senate still lazy, not working 5 day weeks. [Roll Call]
* Reliable Source: Famous women who’ve done famous things are approvingly listed and described. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: FDR’s car auctioned, fetches less than a NAZI CAR… Moby was here. He dislikes DC, which should cheer up Washingtonians. Also, Alexandra Pelosi calls him “Baby Mo.” [Examiner]
* Washington Whispers: New DCCC head is trying to be BFF with DNC head Howard Dean… Michael Chertoff picked Beta over VHS. [USN&WR]

* Names and Faces: Wayne Gretsky celebrated New Years in DC, at Morton’s Steakhouse. $850 tip. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: Ford press sec Ron Nessen says pardoning Nixon was an act of great courage… Lonesome John Edwards picked the wrong week/day/year to announce his candidacy for President… Cap Police sent out an alert last Friday reading, “At 6:30 p.m. this evening in the Upper Senate Park, cannons will be test fired. This will create a loud noise.” [Examiner]
* Page Six: Tony Blair will apparently move to Miami after he steps down, according to always-accurate British tabloids… Katie Couric did not make Condoleezza Rice cry. [NYP]

First it was a fire evacuation, and now comes the Medical Emergency. What the hell now, Polonium-210?

From: US Capitol Police
Sent: Friday, December 08, 2006 1:13 PM
To: All House Staff
This is a message from the U.S. Capitol Police.
The main entrance of the Longworth House Office Building has been temporarily restricted due to a serious medical emergency. All Members and staff are advised to avoid this area until further notified.

Earlier: BREAKING — HOUSE OFFICES AFLAME

From: US Capitol Police
Sent: Friday, December 08, 2006 12:37 PM
To: All House Staff
Subject: Evacuate the Longworth Building - Audible Fire Alarm
Importance: High

Fire alarms echoing throughout Longworth, members trampling staffers on their ways to the exits, and terrifying chaos marked the end of the 109th Congress, more or less just as we expected.

Full email after the jump.

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Proving they’re dead serious about cleaning up corruption on the Hill, Senate Democrats rewarded shamed ex-Capitol Police Chief Terrance Gainer by naming him the new Senate sergeant at arms. MORE »

The Foley Cocktober Surprise, as we currently understand it: MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Congressional Black Caucus member Corrine Brown was stopped by Cap Police as she entered Cannon yesterday. Brown: “If you don’t recognize me, call your supervisor.” The officer was unharmed… David Safavian sent a bathetic post-sentencing email to friends: “most of all, I feel rather numb.” [Roll Call]
• Reliable Source: George W. Bush brings Laura coffee in bed each morning. [WP]
• Lowdown: Sean Hannity books his old polisci prof, berates him for poor grade. [NYDN]

Last Thursday, we had a brief item on a Katherine Harris staffer who was caught by a reporter trying to bring her shoes to her in the Capitol in the middle of the afternoon. It raised so many delicious questions, but it was so brief. We did learn that the shoe-carrier (a “strapping young man,” per the reporter for the Kansas City Star) was an intern nicknamed Gator, but that bit of color doesn’t begin to describe how hilariously out-of-hand the day went from there. To learn the whole screwball story, join us after the jump.

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• Cindy Adams: Cindy Adams told you that Patrick Kennedy would get cuddled, coddled by Cap Police. [NYP]

• Reliable Source: Everyone in Congress loves Cher. Mary Bono’s spokesperson says they’re “like family” … Barely any Washingtonians on People’s “Hottest Bachelors” list. [WP]

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Cynthia McKinney’s case might not go to trial. A grand jury’s been hearing evidence, but no indictments have come down yet, and they might just quietly make it go away. Oh well, we’ll still have our memories. Says one of the Congresswoman’s lawyers: “At this time, I have no comment as I am unaware of any ‘legal case’ regarding Ms. McKinney and [the] March 29 incident[.]” Man, she should really tell her lawyer that she punched a cop. MORE »

It will make you invisible to the Capitol Police, so you can slip past their security checkpoints undetected. Throw that stupid member’s pin in the trash. Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back! MORE »