Tag Archives: capitol hill

  sex contest

Meet The 50 Hottest Pieces On Capitol Hill!

Washington’s The Hill newspaper has published its 2008 list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill, and yes, they were somehow able to find the requisite 50 people! We don’t really know where to begin with this. Checking out all the names and pictures takes long enough, and then there are little articles for each entry — long articles. So far the only sentence we’ve read, arbitrarily selected, was this: “It seems that when Coty Wamp, daughter of Rep. Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.), was 11, an alien invaded her body.” We dare not ask any further questions. Read more on Meet The 50 Hottest Pieces On Capitol Hill!…
  wtf?

Richard Simmons Freaks Out, In Congress

Here’s a nice video from The Hill newspaper that shows fitness creep Richard Simmons annoying Capitol Hill for several hours yesterday. He testifies to a House committee about No Child Left Behind destroying public schools’ physical education programs, and he exercises with Hill staffers outside the building. For Republican Congressmen who could witness this from the Capitol’s bathroom windows, it was a dream come true. In this video, Simmons starts freaking out to Congress at :52, then ratchets it up at 1:15, then “climaxes” at 1:30. It is hilarious. This Hill reporter, Erica whatever, seems nice. [YouTube] Read more on Richard Simmons Freaks Out, In Congress…
  scandal on the mound

Did Chip Pickering Destroy Some Old Young Man At Congressional Baseball Game?

Chip Pickering, the Mississippi Congressman who’s retiring to spend more time with his divorced family and mistresses, participated in last night’s annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game one last time, for the fans. If you would like a recap of last night’s game that cannot go three words without divining about what it portends for the election, we recommend The New Republic. We’re more interested, however, in an alleged incident that an eyewitness tells us about, involving our friend Chip: that he let go of his aluminum bat during a practice swing in the on-deck circle, letting it soar into the crowd and destroy some man’s face. Read more on Did Chip Pickering Destroy Some Old Young Man At Congressional Baseball Game?…
  paultardpalooza

Everyone’s Excited for Paultardpalooza!

The Paultards are onto us, the “addicts and derelicts.” We were only planning on going to the March drunk, not on drugs, although that sounds like a pretty good idea now that they’ve mentioned it. Anyway, we’ll have details for our 9 a.m. Saturday Paultardpalooza Pre-gaming by the end of the afternoon. If you’re interested in coming (most likely to a bar around Capitol Hill), please send an e-mail to tips@wonkette.com, with subject line “HOT NAKED FLAPPERS.” We just want to get a basic headcount. [Ron Paul Forums] Read more on Everyone’s Excited for Paultardpalooza!…
  days of rage

Hillary Clinton Returns To Senate, Eats Lunch, Saves America

American Superstar Hillary Clinton has reemerged from her secret vacation cabana in Outer Space and returned to the Senate, for Work. As she exited her car on Capitol Hill, hundreds of supporters and reporters greeted her. She was wearing powder blue clothes. She ate lunch with other Senators. She may have read some policy briefs. Congress is awful. [NYT/The Caucus] Read more on Hillary Clinton Returns To Senate, Eats Lunch, Saves America…
 

Capitol Launches Intra-Office Laser War?

Thanks to Wonkette laser operative “A.” for sending this photo from outside the House office buildings today. Apparently everyone on Capitol Hill is going to stop pretending to “fix the country” and play Laser War all afternoon instead. Read more on Capitol Launches Intra-Office Laser War?…
 

Ron Paul Liberty Phoenix Attacks Capitol Hill

Wonkette operative “Cris” writes: “I was out running on the mall during my lunch break when I caught sight of a smattering of Paultards with obscenely huge Ron Paul 2008 signs on the lawn of the Capitol. Just as I was swinging by the lawn, a ‘Tard was introducing the founder of a web site called Liberty Phoenix. As the speaker took the stage, a little girl who was walking around the area with her father began to flap her wings and say ‘I’m a liberty phoenix, I’m a liberty phoenix!’ Her dad immediately said ‘stop that’ and dragged her away. Apparently the FDA mandated that ‘Tard speak was unsafe for children 12 and under.” Hey, HILL PEOPLE, go and take a photo or seven of the Liberty Phoenix right now! Read more on Ron Paul Liberty Phoenix Attacks Capitol Hill…
 

Everyone Likes Beer

The Hill is all a-buzz today (sorta) with the news that ABC investigative reporter Brian Ross was booted from the National Beer Wholesalers Association and Brewers Association annual holiday reception last week when he showed up with a camera crew. The Beer Wholesalers’ receptions are epic events on the Hill, since they involve higher-end beer than is generally offered by House catering and the leftovers always mysteriously end up “up for grabs” when the night winds down. The segment, designed to show the average (oblivious) American how lobbyists spend money to influence Members and their aides, reportedly airs tonight. [Roll Call, subscription required, from The Raw Story] Read more on Everyone Likes Beer…
 

Politico Captures “Hill Staffers” In Partying Milieu

Old man Politico sure is concerned about those Hill staffers not getting their holiday parties, what with damnable new ethics laws poisoning the egg nog. Le sigh. But hey, who are those sexy looking “staffers” in the accompanying photo? Read more on Politico Captures “Hill Staffers” In Partying Milieu…
 

Chuck Hagel Dons Naughty Nurse Costume

That’s Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska in his budget Halloween costume of Joe Biden in Congress today. Biden may respond in suit by dressing up as a Disgraced Anti-War Republican. [AP] Read more on Chuck Hagel Dons Naughty Nurse Costume…
 

The Male-Female Lobbyist Mating Dance

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her. This week: Men on Capitol Hill might be sexist; Earth might revolve around the sun. Read more on The Male-Female Lobbyist Mating Dance…
 

ARRESTED: Cutest Polar Bears Ever!

A family of scientifically advanced, bipedal polar bears migrated from the North Pole yesterday to participate in an adorable dance-off outside of the Capitol. And by dance-off we mean, in the WP‘s words, “demonstration intended to voice a broad list of complaints about global warming, war and sexism.” The savvy beasts joined a full-size Condoleezza Rice bobblehead doll and many well-wishing humans in a rally vaguely related to the “October rebellion.” That’s the one in which a bunch of anti-neo-liberal ‘bags attacked Georgetown last Friday, and where some chick got hit in the face with a brick. Watch the cuddly bears dance and sing about the military-industrial complex, honey pots and so forth in the video above. After the jump, watch these same cuddly bears get arrested by stupid meanie cops!! Read more on ARRESTED: Cutest Polar Bears Ever!…
 

Stupid October Rebellion Gets Bloody-ish

The Jacobin fury over the IMF and World Bank having some meetings this weekend continues! As we mentioned last week, a disorganized (but furious) band of marauders called the October coalition has been holding protests and demonstrations since Thursday, most notably the “Disrupt Georgetown!” rally last Friday which targeted flaneuring Victorian plutocrats and their soily “silk-lined bedsheets.” No joke, blood was spilled outside of an Abercrombie & Fitch! And they’re outside Capitol Hill today! And the IMF and World Bank don’t give a shit! Photos (via the Georgetown Voice) and mild commentary after the jump. Read more on Stupid October Rebellion Gets Bloody-ish…
 

Subject: FIRE FIRE FIREin rayburn or something????? anyway, get on it!
 

World’s Lamest Gangsta Easily Distracted by French Cheese, Wine

It’s a scene we all know so well in DC, if we’re kind of rich: Everyone’s finishing their grilled steaks on the patio behind the pleasant Capitol Hill rowhouse and having another glass of $75 Bordeaux and then a hooded hoodlum slips into the backyard and presses the barrel of his gun against a 14-year-old girl’s head. Read more on World’s Lamest Gangsta Easily Distracted by French Cheese, Wine…
 

URGENT BREAKING UNCONFIRMED REPORT FROM THE HILL

The Longworth building is apparently closed off entirely, and there are reports of, uh… a “huge line to get into Rayburn.” Well come on, Rayburn’s not that great — what’s the deal? Anyone? Suspicious package? Tainted peanut butter? JIM WEBB ON THE LOOSE??? Read more on URGENT BREAKING UNCONFIRMED REPORT FROM THE HILL…
 

Metro Section: Wine, Beef, Cops & Cannons

* For the winos. [Metrocurean] * For the hippie winos. [The Green Miles] * “When the Nationals leave for Virginia, Portland, or Vegas, I think we should rename the (at least) $611,000,000 stadium the “Anthony Williams/Jack Evans Monument.” After all, they were the ones who were so desperate to cement their legacy with a baseball team. Then we should shoot them out of a cannon in the direction of wherever the team decides to move.” [why.i.hate.dc] * Why should DC police care about Capitol Hill? [District Matters] * “Charlie Palmer’s Steakhouse … is seriously one of the most ‘DC’ places I have ever visited in my 8 years in this city. Everywhere I turned there was a man in a navy blue suit fingering a Blackberry.” [hey pretty] Read more on Metro Section: Wine, Beef, Cops & Cannons…
 

Jim Webb Will Shoot You On Sight With His Unregistered Pistol

Aren’t you glad George Allen lost his senate seat for calling Jim Webb’s Indian guy a Tunisian monkey in Italian or something? Yes, Macaca George was a racist dingbat in love with a prop football and slavery, but he wasn’t a heavily armed lunatic. The emerging and evolving story of Webb’s aide being arrested and jailed for trying to sneak a loaded handgun and tons of ammo into the Russell Senate Office building is starting to sound like a hilarious outtake from “Pulp Fiction.” Yesterday we learned that Webb and his ninja gunmen had sacks of weapons when they showed up at National airport, so Webb was forced to leave his guns with the staffers for his flight to Beirut or wherever, and then there were guns everywhere and nobody was keeping track and next thing you know this former Marine has put one of Webb’s loaded semi-automatic pistols (or maybe even a Micro Uzi) in a briefcase — along with two fully loaded extra magazines — through the X-Ray machine and the Capitol cops lock him up. Read Webb’s delusional Conrad Burns-esque excuses, after the jump. Read more on Jim Webb Will Shoot You On Sight With His Unregistered Pistol…
 

The American Flag Lets You Know It’s In America

Here’s a great house for Robert M. Gates, because it’s being sold by another ex-CIA boss, Porter Goss! It’s pretty much right behind the Rayburn Building, so not really the closest house to the Pentagon, but it’s all pre-bugged and everything. Read more on The American Flag Lets You Know It’s In America…
 

Last Week’s Shots: The Best of LNS

As we’re sure you know by now, Late Night Shots is a closed social networking site for DC’s best and whitest. We turbos have a lot to learn from them. Their message board is home to some of the best entertainment on all the internets — but because of the closed nature of the site, not everyone can join in the fun. Thankfully, Intern Lauren is a card-carrying LNS member, and she’s gathered excerpts from some of last week’s best posts on the LNS forum. See what the fuss is about, after the jump. Read more on Last Week’s Shots: The Best of LNS…
 

Ask a Lobbyist: Still Stiff

We interrupt Mark Foley’s Cocktober Surprise (or PageFuckerGate or whatever the hell we’re calling it) to bring you this only slightly Foley-related item. It’s our weekly advice column, in which a real live Anonymous Lobbyist answers questions all about how she’s destroying our country from readers just like you, but more shrill. Send your questions here, and chances pretty good that she’ll get to it. This week: L’affaire Foley, Hill Staffers, and lobbyists don’t give a shit who you donate to. Read more on Ask a Lobbyist: Still Stiff…