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Tag: capitol hill

Needs more glowing blue eyes and speaking in ALL CAPS

Republicans Need A Little More Time To ‘Replace’ Obamacare. Does Never Work For You?

No one should be able to deny you health care except an insurance company's call center.

Marco Rubio Finished Doing Things Now, Ready To Catch Some ZZZ’s For Rest Of Life

Little Marco Rubio, having failed spectacularly at the Republican primary and life in general, came back to the Senate Thursday: We're going to give you a moment to digest that picture fully. You ready? OK. So he came back to the Senate,...

FBI Director Said ‘Jihad,’ Everybody Wet Your Pants!

Not that anyone was waiting for further details before screaming OHHH GAWD MUSLIMS, but here it is, your moment of zen: In an appearance on Capitol Hill, the F.B.I.director, James B. Comey, said Wednesday that the couple, who met online,...
Except for this one franchise! They love the gays!

Chick-Fil-A Fails To Meet 2015 Gay-Bashing Quotient. Fix It, Jesus!

Oh no! The wingnut gay-hatin' fans of Chick-fil-A, whose bodies are composed of 96 percent trans fat and 4 percent Jesus meat, are dripping lard lumps of rage all over their everywheres, because this one Chick-fil-A in Nashville did something nice for gays!...

Paul Ryan Grabs His Ankles For GOP Wingnuts, Will Be Speaker Until They Kill Him Too

A super SEXCITING thing happened on Capitol Hill on Thursday. Yes, Hillary Clinton became president during the Benghazi hearing, doy, but we're talking about the other sexciting thing: the end of Rep. Paul Ryan's political future! Ryan had reluctantly agreed to run for speaker of...

Awww Look, ‘Pro-Life’ Ladies Try To Do ‘Feminism’

It always makes us discharge sad salty tears from our vaginas when “pro-life” ladies try to use feminism to be pro-lifey. It often involves using words all wrong, regurgitating “facts” that they “learned” that happen to be totally, demonstrably...
Dumb is the loneliest number

Seattle Straight Pride Parade Goes Off Without Hitch, Paraders

This just in: Seattle's straight community has been so completely bullied into silence by The Gays (and maybe their close allies, Creeping Sharia) that a big Heterosexual Pride Parade announced for this weekend drew a very dissatisfying number of...
Be afraid. Very afraid.

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at . They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming....
Reports that The Humungus had taken over the Ellipse turned out to be unsubstantiated

Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well

A Florida (OF COURSE) mailman's attempt to call attention to campaign finance reform instead prompted a terrorism scare when the amateur aviator landed his gyrocopter on Capitol Hill Wednesday. 61-year-old Doug Hughes, of Ruskin, Florida, had been planning...
Just being a good Christian

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette's coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the...

If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Dr. Mehmet Oz, (who knew he had a first name?) the ubiquitous teevee shiller of weight-loss supplements and One Weird Tricks, got to take a trip up to Capitol Hill yesterday to get yelled at by some senators for...

Debt Supercommittee Fulfills Its Promise To Make Everything Worse

Hooray, the Dow Jones decided to start its day with a two hundred point crash in apparent surprise at history's least surprising news ever, that somehow a few months of mindless bickering between the twelve members of the bipartisan...

Religious People Arrested For Singing Kumbaya, Holding Hands

There will be tear gas and a Twitter revolution any moment now, because even the boring old Presbyterians are going to go to prison for praying that this whole debt ceiling disaster go away very soon. This is probably...

Allen West Hosts Poorly Catered Muslim Conspiracy Party

Where would this country be without Allen West? Exploded to pieces by Muslim terrorists and feminist rage, that's where! Every single day, Nazis and African-American prison inmates are playing ski-ball in their basements and casually discussing their plans...

Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans

America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since....

Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown

Everyone knows the drill. The man allegedly began to make physically threatening gestures toward the officer, which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground. “He began to threaten the officer...