Wonkette

See, we say things like “[McCain] could also maybe light the current bipartisan compromise on fire and order everyone to draft a new one,” as jokes. You know, “funnies.” You take reality and bend it, to make the humans laugh! HA HA HA, like that! But then the McCain campaign always takes our joke and INSTITUTES IT, AS POLICY. And that’s how John McCain has ruined whatever tenuous late-game compromise the adults had reached. And all he had to do was show up and open his trap. MORE »

Washington’s The Hill newspaper has published its 2008 list of the 50 Most Beautiful People on Capitol Hill, and yes, they were somehow able to find the requisite 50 people! We don’t really know where to begin with this. Checking out all the names and pictures takes long enough, and then there are little articles for each entry — long articles. So far the only sentence we’ve read, arbitrarily selected, was this: “It seems that when Coty Wamp, daughter of Rep. Zach Wamp (R-Tenn.), was 11, an alien invaded her body.” We dare not ask any further questions. MORE »

Here’s a nice video from The Hill newspaper that shows fitness creep Richard Simmons annoying Capitol Hill for several hours yesterday. He testifies to a House committee about No Child Left Behind destroying public schools’ physical education programs, and he exercises with Hill staffers outside the building. For Republican Congressmen who could witness this from the Capitol’s bathroom windows, it was a dream come true. In this video, Simmons starts freaking out to Congress at :52, then ratchets it up at 1:15, then “climaxes” at 1:30. It is hilarious. This Hill reporter, Erica whatever, seems nice. [YouTube]

Chip Pickering, the Mississippi Congressman who’s retiring to spend more time with his divorced family and mistresses, participated in last night’s annual Roll Call Congressional Baseball Game one last time, for the fans. If you would like a recap of last night’s game that cannot go three words without divining about what it portends for the election, we recommend The New Republic. We’re more interested, however, in an alleged incident that an eyewitness tells us about, involving our friend Chip: that he let go of his aluminum bat during a practice swing in the on-deck circle, letting it soar into the crowd and destroy some man’s face. MORE »

What dark human vice was engaged herein, June 12, 2008, among Wonketteers and thine ilk? MORE »

The Paultards are onto us, the “addicts and derelicts.” We were only planning on going to the March drunk, not on drugs, although that sounds like a pretty good idea now that they’ve mentioned it. Anyway, we’ll have details for our 9 a.m. Saturday Paultardpalooza Pre-gaming by the end of the afternoon. If you’re interested in coming (most likely to a bar around Capitol Hill), please send an e-mail to tips@wonkette.com, with subject line “HOT NAKED FLAPPERS.” We just want to get a basic headcount. [Ron Paul Forums]

American Superstar Hillary Clinton has reemerged from her secret vacation cabana in Outer Space and returned to the Senate, for Work. As she exited her car on Capitol Hill, hundreds of supporters and reporters greeted her. She was wearing powder blue clothes. She ate lunch with other Senators. She may have read some policy briefs. Congress is awful. [NYT/The Caucus]

Thanks to Wonkette laser operative “A.” for sending this photo from outside the House office buildings today. Apparently everyone on Capitol Hill is going to stop pretending to “fix the country” and play Laser War all afternoon instead.

Wonkette operative “Cris” writes: “I was out running on the mall during my lunch break when I caught sight of a smattering of Paultards with obscenely huge Ron Paul 2008 signs on the lawn of the Capitol. Just as I was swinging by the lawn, a ‘Tard was introducing the founder of a web site called Liberty Phoenix. As the speaker took the stage, a little girl who was walking around the area with her father began to flap her wings and say ‘I’m a liberty phoenix, I’m a liberty phoenix!’ Her dad immediately said ’stop that’ and dragged her away. Apparently the FDA mandated that ‘Tard speak was unsafe for children 12 and under.” Hey, HILL PEOPLE, go and take a photo or seven of the Liberty Phoenix right now!

The Hill is all a-buzz today (sorta) with the news that ABC investigative reporter Brian Ross was booted from the National Beer Wholesalers Association and Brewers Association annual holiday reception last week when he showed up with a camera crew. The Beer Wholesalers’ receptions are epic events on the Hill, since they involve higher-end beer than is generally offered by House catering and the leftovers always mysteriously end up “up for grabs” when the night winds down. The segment, designed to show the average (oblivious) American how lobbyists spend money to influence Members and their aides, reportedly airs tonight. [Roll Call, subscription required, from The Raw Story]

Old man Politico sure is concerned about those Hill staffers not getting their holiday parties, what with damnable new ethics laws poisoning the egg nog. Le sigh. But hey, who are those sexy looking “staffers” in the accompanying photo? MORE »

That’s Sen. Chuck Hagel of Nebraska in his budget Halloween costume of Joe Biden in Congress today. Biden may respond in suit by dressing up as a Disgraced Anti-War Republican. [AP]

Every week, our Anonymous Lobbyist answers your questions about how laws get made and why they probably shouldn’t. If you have a question about the dirty business of doing business in Washington, ask her.

This week: Men on Capitol Hill might be sexist; Earth might revolve around the sun. MORE »

A family of scientifically advanced, bipedal polar bears migrated from the North Pole yesterday to participate in an adorable dance-off outside of the Capitol. And by dance-off we mean, in the WP’s words, “demonstration intended to voice a broad list of complaints about global warming, war and sexism.” The savvy beasts joined a full-size Condoleezza Rice bobblehead doll and many well-wishing humans in a rally vaguely related to the “October rebellion.” That’s the one in which a bunch of anti-neo-liberal ‘bags attacked Georgetown last Friday, and where some chick got hit in the face with a brick.

Watch the cuddly bears dance and sing about the military-industrial complex, honey pots and so forth in the video above. After the jump, watch these same cuddly bears get arrested by stupid meanie cops!! MORE »