Tag Archives: capitol hill

  Yes All Men

It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously

Be afraid. Very afraid.
Men are kind of the worst,* as we all know. They are paid more money for the same job at [fill in just about any industry, no really, even the women-dominated ones, like nursing]. They are charged less for dry-cleaning. They do most of the murdering, raping, domestic violencing and other criming. They spread their legs all over the subway like it’s theirs. They suck up all of the oxygen, with their constant mansplaining of every goddamned thing. Also, they have only just barely started contributing to housework, a little bit, and they already want all the trophies and prizes and parades, Jesus joint-smokin’ Christ. Read more on It Is Time To Ban All The Men From Congress, Obviously…
  Today's News Anchor Vocabulary Word: 'Gyrocopter'

Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well

Reports that The Humungus had taken over the Ellipse turned out to be unsubstantiated
A Florida (OF COURSE) mailman’s attempt to call attention to campaign finance reform instead prompted a terrorism scare when the amateur aviator landed his gyrocopter on Capitol Hill Wednesday. 61-year-old Doug Hughes, of Ruskin, Florida, had been planning the flight for over a year, and apparently tried to publicize the stunt by building a website and telling the Tampa Bay Times about it in advance, but apart from getting a visit from the Secret Service last year — with no follow-up — it appears that nobody in Washington was aware of the planned flight, which Hughes knew was in violation of federal law. The Times even made a video about Hughes’s plans: Read more on Florida Man Tries To Air-Drop Message To Congress, It Does Not Go Well…
  Thanks Texas

Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change

Just being a good Christian
2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette’s coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let’s Wonksplore! Read more on Your 2014 Legislative Sh*tmuffin (National Division): Oh Right It’s Ted Cruz For A Change…
  one weird lie

If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won

Dr. Mehmet Oz, (who knew he had a first name?) the ubiquitous teevee shiller of weight-loss supplements and One Weird Tricks, got to take a trip up to Capitol Hill yesterday to get yelled at by some senators for his ceaseless flogging of fraudlicious miracle extracts. Dr. Oz did not appear to have enjoyed the experience one little bit, because if Dr. Oz can’t extol the virtues of Green Tea or Green Coffee or Green Beans or Green Machine extracts, his soul will shrivel up and die. Read more on If Dr. Oz Can’t Sell You A Bunch Of Quack Weight-Loss Cures, The Terrorists Have Already Won…
  happy holidays!

Debt Supercommittee Fulfills Its Promise To Make Everything Worse

Hooray, the Dow Jones decided to start its day with a two hundred point crash in apparent surprise at history’s least surprising news ever, that somehow a few months of mindless bickering between the twelve members of the bipartisan congressional deficit-reduction “supercommittee” has — how is it possible? you ask — officially amounted to abject failure according to some sad announcement members will submit in lieu of a proposal by the assigned Thanksgiving deadline. Oh sure, there may have been one or two humans somewhere eating record amounts of acid in celebration of their last unemployment checks who hopefully dreamed for a hot second there was some chance that this thing running America called “Congress” would actually manage to “govern,” but like we said, that would take a lot of acid. Were these corrupt goons at least trying to come up with some kind of last-minute deal, just as a show of good faith? Read more on Debt Supercommittee Fulfills Its Promise To Make Everything Worse…
  protests

Religious People Arrested For Singing Kumbaya, Holding Hands

There will be tear gas and a Twitter revolution any moment now, because even the boring old Presbyterians are going to go to prison for praying that this whole debt ceiling disaster go away very soon. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to Presbyterians since John Calvin wrote the Institutes during a fever dream, so congratulations to them. There were also some Jews and Methodists thrown into the mix for this strange sing-along in the Rotunda that ended with some calm arrests and a display of mild restraint in dealing with the elderly. Read more on Religious People Arrested For Singing Kumbaya, Holding Hands…
  conspiracy loves company

Allen West Hosts Poorly Catered Muslim Conspiracy Party

Where would this country be without Allen West? Exploded to pieces by Muslim terrorists and feminist rage, that’s where! Every single day, Nazis and African-American prison inmates are playing ski-ball in their basements and casually discussing their plans for the Ground Zero Mosque while the rest of America sobs ignorantly over the nation’s economic demise, according to the “defense experts” of Citizens for National Security. Luckily for America, Allen West invited these nuts of the Boca Raton, Florida variety into the Capitol to present a lengthy PowerPoint on the grand conspiracy of the Muslim Brotherhood, among other things. And everyone in the group appears to have earned a Ph.D. in Insanity and Glenn Beck Flow Chart Creation, which are the only prerequisites for becoming official terrorism experts. Read more on Allen West Hosts Poorly Catered Muslim Conspiracy Party…
  reckless speculation

Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans

America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since. Luckily for poor, uneducated and underrepresented Christian Patriots, Jewish interests mesh exactly with those of the unemployed American Heartland. But no longer! Indeed, according to CNN, “The following may cheer those who complain that Jews exercise too much influence in the American political system.” So, if you are someone who wants the Jews to quit having jobs in D.C., then this is your lucky day. Or is it? Read more on Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans…
  let wonk'd know if you see him at the coffee shop later

Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown

Everyone knows the drill. The man allegedly began to make physically threatening gestures toward the officer, which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground. Read more on Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown…
 

Food Options For Beautiful People

If you make it through even a little of the “50 Most Beautiful People” on the Hill list — especially the moving prose — you will learn that the people on this annual summer-gimmick list made it there because of the ability to survive on a diet of cheese nips, pasta, and Diet Mountain Dew. Do these people not know that the Hill is home to some of the best restaurants in DC? As service-y journalists, we hope to help this confused and hungry group of “attractive for DC” people navigate their local eating options. Read more on Food Options For Beautiful People…
  orifice prospective

Here’s Your God-Forsaken ’50 Most Beautiful’ List

Absolutely nothing of note is happening in politics today, and it’s sort of hard to blog about nothing. But it is possible, by some sort of mathematical anomaly, to blog about less than nothing, so here we go! The Hill, you see, finds some people more attractive than other people, physically! And so every year it compiles a ranking of this opinion! And also please strike us down now, ye vengeful gods! Read more on Here’s Your God-Forsaken ’50 Most Beautiful’ List…
  some dog labeled 'cheddar'

Disgusting Capitol Hill Cancer Machine Now Operable Again!

An ecstatic Hill staffer spreads the good news — nay, the best news for Hill staffers in probably their whole lives! “Here is a picture of the cock-tease hot dog vending machine that has been inoperable for the past 6 months. With the passage of health care reform which means free coverage for everyone except white males over age 50, the machine is now back in working order so that we can get fat and Obama’s death panels can’t do shit about it. You can get an Oscar Meyer weiner for $2.00, and some dog labeled ‘cheddar’ for $3.00.” Almost makes you want to work there. All hail the Cancer Machine! Read more on Disgusting Capitol Hill Cancer Machine Now Operable Again!…
  tea partiers

Liz Glover Finds Happiest Tea Partiers Ever (Who Are There ‘On a Whim’)

Here’s a welcome change from the usual mouth-breathing teabaggers farting up the Capitol: Happy youth, who just wandered over to the Hill to see what’s up, for the laffs! And our Liz Glover captured their merriment (and their souls) with her Soulcatcher Machine. Read more on Liz Glover Finds Happiest Tea Partiers Ever (Who Are There ‘On a Whim’)…
  comedy is not pretty

TEABAGGER PHOTO ALERT: Whoa hey there are a bunch of Teabaggers hanging around the Capitol right now? With signs and pirate hats and everything? We don’t know if Newell is out taking pictures or if they already eated him, so if you’re nearby plz go take some pictures and send them to your tips @ wonkette, thanks! For liberty! [Fox News] Read more on …
  super bowl of retardation

Such A Vulgarian, This Teabagger

Wonkette motorist operative “Marcus” sent us this telephone picture of the rather uncouth car he was stuck behind yesterday, during the Super Bowl of Retardation. This fellow hates Obama so much that he — and we’re presuming “he,” because how unladylike! — chose to attach a massive cut-out of a donkey shitting Obama’s head on his rear windshield, at the expense of his visibility. Another sticker reads, “King’s Dream is a Nightmare.” Oh that silly Martin Luther King Jr., always ripe for a joke. After the jump, another wacky leftover operative photo, from a Hill office. Read more on Such A Vulgarian, This Teabagger…
  do it do it do it

Teabaggers Will Attempt To Rip Apart 1,990-page Bill

Operative “Randy C,” of fleeting Halloween costume Internet fame, has graciously donated his “pubic option” poster to the teabaggers. Is that pastor taking a shine to it? Meanwhile, another Hill operative reports on an overheard conversation between two members of the mobilizing force: Read more on Teabaggers Will Attempt To Rip Apart 1,990-page Bill…
  traitors

BACHMANN’S CHIEF OF STAFF QUITS: Michelle Marston, who has helped Michele Bachmann project her radioactive insanity to a larger audience since becoming chief of staff in early 2008, quit that job today — one day before Bachmann’s “Super Bowl of Freedom,” on Capitol Hill. Marston will not disclose her reasons, which is great, because now we all can just make shit up! THEY HAD A BIG FIGHT B/C THEY HATE EACH OTHER, a “well-sourced Washington lawyer” tells us. [Politico] Read more on …
  power worship

‘MAGICAL ELVES’ ARE SHOOTING A D.C. REALITY SHOW, TOO: Yet another dumb new show about young rich sociopaths obsessed with power and clothes: “From the Emmy award-winning producers of Project Runway and Top Chef comes a new documentary series about the chic up and comers in our nation’s capital. If you are a Washington, D.C., society insider, recent college graduate or future political powerhouse, please e-mail us atcasting@magicalelves.com. You must be 21 or over and currently live in D.C. or be planning to move there in the next couple of months.” DON’T BELIEVE THEM! Magical elves (e.g. Mitt Romney) are known succubi. [Ezra Klein] Read more on …
  food/booze news!

Experience Mexico City Without Getting Kidnapped By a Drug Cartel And More Food Events

Thursday, March 19: There will be delicious cocktails and hors d’ oeuvres at Bread for the City’s big fund raising event, “Art with a Heart.” Simply pay the $200 ticket, and you’re in. 6PM at the Capitol Hilton. [BFC] Read more on Experience Mexico City Without Getting Kidnapped By a Drug Cartel And More Food Events… Read more on Experience Mexico City Without Getting Kidnapped By a Drug Cartel And More Food Events…
  taco night

La Loma: Eat Burritos With Your Congressman (Maybe)

La Loma is the perfect place to go if you want Mexican food in a festive atmosphere and you don’t really care what you’re eating, as long as it’s smothered in orange cheese. It’s also a fantastic place to go if you want to eavesdrop on some first hand DC gossip — after all, this is Capitol Hill. Read more on La Loma: Eat Burritos With Your Congressman (Maybe)…
  helpful tips

A Good Time to Visit Your Capitol

If you’ve ever wished to see the Capitol without writhing hordes of school-aged children blocking your view, then late Friday afternoon seems to be a good time. The lines are minimal, and you can actually get a good look at the fancy new visitor center that cost America $621 million. Read more on A Good Time to Visit Your Capitol…
  never forget

No Problem Here

The war on terror is over, and America won! Here is proof, in the form of a rusty emergency box directly outside the Longworth House Office Building on Capitol Hill. If any homeland security threats remained, this box would surely be unblemished, maybe even operational! Read more on No Problem Here…