capitol hill
Religious People Arrested For Singing Kumbaya, Holding Hands
There will be tear gas and a Twitter revolution any moment now, because even the boring old Presbyterians are going to go to prison for praying that this whole debt ceiling disaster go away very soon. This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened to Presbyterians since John Calvin wrote the Institutes during [...]
Allen West Hosts Poorly Catered Muslim Conspiracy Party
Where would this country be without Allen West? Exploded to pieces by Muslim terrorists and feminist rage, that’s where! Every single day, Nazis and African-American prison inmates are playing ski-ball in their basements and casually discussing their plans for the Ground Zero Mosque while the rest of America sobs ignorantly over the nation’s economic demise, [...]
Washington Forcing Jews To Merge With Mexicans, Against Republicans
America was founded upon dusty Old Testament scrolls handed down from the Heavens by Jesus and the cowboys. And then the Jews came, as prophesied, and turned Washington into their surrogate Promised Land, and they have ruled ever since. Luckily for poor, uneducated and underrepresented Christian Patriots, Jewish interests mesh exactly with those of the [...]
Unarmed Gunman Puts Senate Buildings On Lockdown
Everyone knows the drill. The man allegedly began to make physically threatening gestures toward the officer, which prompted the officer to draw his gun and instruct the man to lay down on the ground. “He began to threaten the officer physically,” Morse told The Hill. “The officer took a defensive posture to thwart that aggressive [...]
Food Options For Beautiful People
If you make it through even a little of the “50 Most Beautiful People” on the Hill list — especially the moving prose — you will learn that the people on this annual summer-gimmick list made it there because of the ability to survive on a diet of cheese nips, pasta, and Diet Mountain Dew. [...]
Disgusting Capitol Hill Cancer Machine Now Operable Again!
An ecstatic Hill staffer spreads the good news — nay, the best news for Hill staffers in probably their whole lives! “Here is a picture of the cock-tease hot dog vending machine that has been inoperable for the past 6 months. With the passage of health care reform which means free coverage for everyone except [...]
Liz Glover Finds Happiest Tea Partiers Ever (Who Are There ‘On a Whim’)
Here’s a welcome change from the usual mouth-breathing teabaggers farting up the Capitol: Happy youth, who just wandered over to the Hill to see what’s up, for the laffs! And our Liz Glover captured their merriment (and their souls) with her Soulcatcher Machine.
TEABAGGER PHOTO ALERT: Whoa hey there are a bunch of Teabaggers hanging around the Capitol right now? With signs and pirate hats and everything? We don’t know if Newell is out taking pictures or if they already eated him, so if you’re nearby plz go take some pictures and send them to your tips @ [...]
Teabaggers Will Attempt To Rip Apart 1,990-page Bill
Operative “Randy C,” of fleeting Halloween costume Internet fame, has graciously donated his “pubic option” poster to the teabaggers. Is that pastor taking a shine to it? Meanwhile, another Hill operative reports on an overheard conversation between two members of the mobilizing force:
BACHMANN’S CHIEF OF STAFF QUITS: Michelle Marston, who has helped Michele Bachmann project her radioactive insanity to a larger audience since becoming chief of staff in early 2008, quit that job today — one day before Bachmann’s “Super Bowl of Freedom,” on Capitol Hill. Marston will not disclose her reasons, which is great, because now [...]
‘MAGICAL ELVES’ ARE SHOOTING A D.C. REALITY SHOW, TOO: Yet another dumb new show about young rich sociopaths obsessed with power and clothes: “From the Emmy award-winning producers of Project Runway and Top Chef comes a new documentary series about the chic up and comers in our nation’s capital. If you are a Washington, D.C., [...]
Experience Mexico City Without Getting Kidnapped By a Drug Cartel And More Food Events
Thursday, March 19: There will be delicious cocktails and hors d’ oeuvres at Bread for the City’s big fund raising event, “Art with a Heart.” Simply pay the $200 ticket, and you’re in. 6PM at the Capitol Hilton. [BFC]
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