Wonkette

Here’s a nice video from The Hill newspaper that shows fitness creep Richard Simmons annoying Capitol Hill for several hours yesterday. He testifies to a House committee about No Child Left Behind destroying public schools’ physical education programs, and he exercises with Hill staffers outside the building. For Republican Congressmen who could witness this from the Capitol’s bathroom windows, it was a dream come true. In this video, Simmons starts freaking out to Congress at :52, then ratchets it up at 1:15, then “climaxes” at 1:30. It is hilarious. This Hill reporter, Erica whatever, seems nice. [YouTube]

Washingtonians may have noticed slightly after 3 p.m. a darkening of the skies to almost pitch-black, followed by rain, lightning, hail, and tornadoes. According to the Washington Post, “On Capitol Hill, a congressional hearing was suspended and everyone was urged to stay clear of the windows.” Wonkette has confirmed with Jesus that he sent these tornadoes to Capitol Hill at the request of Hillary Clinton, with whom he has been having a tasteless affair. The tornadoes were designed to destroy the Capitol building when Obama was distracted and beating up Joe Lieberman. Jesus had a rare moment of compassion, however, and diverted the storm at the last minute so that it only destroyed the Dirksen office building. Hillary was so saddened that she ate Jesus, but then she brightened when she remembered that there are still 26 days left in June. [Washington Post]

• WE’RE SORRY, WHAT UNIT OF TIME WAS THAT?: Barry Obama took a “victory lap” around the Capitol today during which some reporter asked him about Hillary’s catty speech last night: “I thought Sen. Clinton, after a long-fought campaign, was understandably focused on her supporters. …I just spoke to her today, and we are going to be having a conversation in the coming weeks.” When the time comes, Hillary will give Obama directions to the grassy knoll where she wishes to meet. [Politico/The Crypt]

Thanks to Wonkette laser operative “A.” for sending this photo from outside the House office buildings today. Apparently everyone on Capitol Hill is going to stop pretending to “fix the country” and play Laser War all afternoon instead.

What is happening at the horrible Capitol Building? According to the teevee, an airplane crossed into restricted air space over Washington, and Congress was about to be evacuated, but then the plane turned away. The terrorists lose today, phew! But are these phantoms and banshees haunting the building, still? A reporter operative writes, “According to sources, a chandelier in the Capitol crypt has fallen to the floor. No one is hurt.” ALL CAPITOL OPERATIVES ARE ORDERED to take pictures of the BANSHEE SPECTRE and send them to Wonkette. We need to catch this terrorist ghoul (and the Illegal Mexican Goblin too).

According to Roll Call, “Capitol Police have taken into custody a man seen carrying a shotgun near First and D streets Northeast,” which is right next to America’s Capitol Building. We know who’s behind this… MORE »

The Nats’ new stadium has been under construction since last year, and it’ll be ready in time for the ‘08 season opener. The Capitol Visitor Center has been under construction since, like, the McKinley administration and its opening has been delayed yet again! More importantly, when the fuck will the Columbia Heights Target open?? That’s the real travesty here. [CQ via NYT]

Subject: FIRE FIRE FIRE
in rayburn or something????? anyway, get on it!

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We’ve been waiting for Jim Webb to go crazy in public and start killing his enemies, and it appears the pieces are falling into place. Here’s what we now know about this morning’s arrest: MORE »