Teabaggers and their home-made signs, so awesome! Way to spell “again,” too! (Does “agin” mean something racist? We cannot keep up.) Thanks to Wonkette operative “C.T.” for going outside and taking this picture of America’s New Freedom Fighters. Send more, everybody! Because Newell is apparently dead for reals. (And why is there a cartoon George W. Bush on the sign?)

TEABAGGER PHOTO ALERT: Whoa hey there are a bunch of Teabaggers hanging around the Capitol right now? With signs and pirate hats and everything? We don’t know if Newell is out taking pictures or if they already eated him, so if you’re nearby plz go take some pictures and send them to your tips @ wonkette, thanks! For liberty! [Fox News]

A second-degree operative sends this photo and writes, “My cousin is a congressional staffer, I got sent this picture outside the capitol building today…” So we know that THE TRUTH TRUCK is in town for the Super Bowl of Retardation, and now it is barreling down the halls of Rayburn, crushin’ skulls.

Hey everybody, some birthers are just wandering around various Senate and House office buildings, bothering the shit out of staffers and interns, and then twatting about it, on the Twitter. David Weigel, the Stephen Crane + Ernie Pyle × Martha Gellhorn of the Tea Party-Birthers Wars, has the whole collection of retardation, go look at it and laugh, for America. [Washington Independent]

Our hardworking House of Representatives took a break from bickering about health care and carbon dioxide to pass a quick “most uncontroversial resolution ever” yesterday, one authorizing the new $600 million+ (taxpayer funded!) Capitol Visitors Center — basically a museum about the history of the Capitol building — to hammer a dinky plaque to the wall thanking the Slaves for, you know, “building the Capitol.” It passed by a vote of 399-1, so as a byproduct we now have mathematically infallible litmus test results that determine, officially, who is the biggest asshole in Congress. MORE »

A secret leetle underground train runs 20,000 leagues below the pile of rat carcasses and despair known as “the Capitol,” and it whisks lawmakers between their offices and the votin’ place without their having to encounter land-bound mortals, or sunshine. Sometimes this subway breaks down, and when it does, it is terrifying. MORE »

So the absolute most worthless people on this rotten planet are liberals, filthy rat-sucking liberals, particularly limousine liberals from liberal Hollywood and their east coast enablers, the Non-Profit Outreach Directors. They get together for these Red Bull-fueled art parties on either coast a couple of times a year to literally masturbate to themselves. They have NO FOOD at their parties because they are all gay, and anorexic. We went to one of these parties last night, and just you wait for this blush of libtardation: “The MoveOn.org, SEIU, Obey Giant Manifest Hope DC Party.” It was actually pretty cool and we don’t mean any of the nasty things we just wrote. (But seriously, no food.) Sexy picture time! MORE »

A black person named Roland Burris — who carries the weight of an entire oppressed race on his shoulders — went to the Capitol today to be sworn into the Senate, just as Rod Blagojevich asked him to. He had his papers all lined up, a sharp suit, a positive frame of mind. It was to be a new day for America’s African-Americans, this day was. But then racist old Harry Reid told the Capitol guards that he didn’t want some colored walkin’ on his shiny marble floors unless he had a mop in his hands. Old Roland has seen this all too many times, over the years. It’s been his life. But it’s the life he’s chosen, you see! Hope for America’s blacks will have to endure yet another sunset, and Burris, yet another sunrise. [MSNBC]

Hey if any of you far-away losers want to visit Washington D.C. on “vacation” soon, to teach your brat kids about America, now’s the grandest time of all! Because thanks to your $621 million in appropriated taxpayer funds — yes that’s right, 6, 2, and 1, glued together, a million of them, in dollars — a fancy new UNDERGROUND VISITOR CENTER at the U.S. Capitol finally opened on Tuesday. It is underground so you don’t get too cold or hot — depending on the season! — as your fat ass waits in line for a tour. One Senator, the very conservative Jim DeMint of South Carolina, despises this new visitor center — but not because of its completely inappropriate cost, of course! No, he’s just concerned that the center’s exhibits don’t praise God quite enough, and that the exhibits themselves are “left-leaning,” which is common D.C. slang for “gay.” MORE »

Here’s a nice video from The Hill newspaper that shows fitness creep Richard Simmons annoying Capitol Hill for several hours yesterday. He testifies to a House committee about No Child Left Behind destroying public schools’ physical education programs, and he exercises with Hill staffers outside the building. For Republican Congressmen who could witness this from the Capitol’s bathroom windows, it was a dream come true. In this video, Simmons starts freaking out to Congress at :52, then ratchets it up at 1:15, then “climaxes” at 1:30. It is hilarious. This Hill reporter, Erica whatever, seems nice. [YouTube]

Washingtonians may have noticed slightly after 3 p.m. a darkening of the skies to almost pitch-black, followed by rain, lightning, hail, and tornadoes. According to the Washington Post, “On Capitol Hill, a congressional hearing was suspended and everyone was urged to stay clear of the windows.” Wonkette has confirmed with Jesus that he sent these tornadoes to Capitol Hill at the request of Hillary Clinton, with whom he has been having a tasteless affair. The tornadoes were designed to destroy the Capitol building when Obama was distracted and beating up Joe Lieberman. Jesus had a rare moment of compassion, however, and diverted the storm at the last minute so that it only destroyed the Dirksen office building. Hillary was so saddened that she ate Jesus, but then she brightened when she remembered that there are still 26 days left in June. [Washington Post]

• WE’RE SORRY, WHAT UNIT OF TIME WAS THAT?: Barry Obama took a “victory lap” around the Capitol today during which some reporter asked him about Hillary’s catty speech last night: “I thought Sen. Clinton, after a long-fought campaign, was understandably focused on her supporters. …I just spoke to her today, and we are going to be having a conversation in the coming weeks.” When the time comes, Hillary will give Obama directions to the grassy knoll where she wishes to meet. [Politico/The Crypt]

Thanks to Wonkette laser operative “A.” for sending this photo from outside the House office buildings today. Apparently everyone on Capitol Hill is going to stop pretending to “fix the country” and play Laser War all afternoon instead.