Tag: capitalism

Fucked-Up United Airlines Thing Just Another Day For You And Me In Paradise

We bet you thought you'd seen the worst cops already. You had not seen the worst cops.
a simpler time

What Airline Let A Teen Get Molested On Its Plane Like It’s No Big Deal This Time?

Air travel. There's nothing white people like to complain about more than the minor annoyances associated with boarding an aluminum capsule and traveling thousands of miles in a few hours. Honestly, the complaints are tiresome unless you're Muslim, Muslim-adjacent,...
bringing out the best in us since 2005

Walmart And Pals Trying To Lower Black Friday Body Count, How Nice!

Among our country's holidays, perhaps none is truly more American than Black Friday. After a day of food, football, and listening to an uncle say "that Ted Cruz makes some good points about the Gold Standard," we are given the option to unleash our...

Speaker Paul Ryan Damn Sure He’s The Only American Who Deserves Weekends

In case you were wondering how long it would take newly elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan to remind everyone he's still a standard-issue Republican dick, the answer is: Haha, dummy, did it break your brain when you fell off...

Why Republicans And CNBC Can F*ck Themselves Right In the Free Market

On Wednesday, Americans watched the third Republican presidential debate. Well, some Americans, anyway. The ones who could afford it. Because, in case you needed reminding, freedom isn't free. And neither was access to a debate among contenders to be the next leader of...
Is he even Catholic?

New Pope Tells Congress The State Of The Union Is Insufficiently Communist

New Pope Frank is addressing Congress, even though some of our nation's Very Serious And Good Christian Republicans have insisted New Pope is A Idiot who should keep his nose out of our American bidness, except for the part...

Archbishop Steve King Lectures Pope On How To Catholic Good

Iowa congressmelon Steve King is a Catholic, and as a concerned member of the most strictly hierarchical religious institution on the planet, he'd like to take the opportunity to set Pope Francis straight about a few points of Catholic...
You gave him a boo-boo, Iowa, ON HIS FEELINGS.

Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed

Pope Francis is heading to America soon, whereupon he'll do that thing where he kisses the little Catholic babies and says "Death to America," or at least that's how it sounds to Republicans, who don't like how he says...
This revisionism will not stand, man

Ted Cruz Gets Republican Jizz All Over Your Beloved Star Trek

Ted Cruz is trying to ruin your beloved childhood memories again. First, he fucked up The Simpsons, and now he's coming after Star Trek, Gene Roddenberry's Kennedy Administration in Space fantasia. In Cruz's mental version of the show, Captain...
Why does Obama hate freedom scams?

Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible.

You may remember that last summer, Obama's cabal of Education Department goons went after esteemed for-profit Corinthian Colleges, targeting them for the unspeakable crime of being too awesome and making too much money. Sure, the USDE said it was...
Not presidential material. Not Bobby Jindal either.

Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

Bobby Jindal, wingnut governor of Louisiana, is whining in a very public way. Why? Gays. Where? The New York Times. Jindal has penned an op-ed to let everybody know that, unlike those Republican pussies in Arkansas and Indiana, who caved...

Florida Man Reports Child’s Lemonade Stand To Authorities. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!

Today’s lesson in not being a curmudgeonly dickhead comes to us courtesy of Dunedin, Florida, where 12-year-old T.J. Guerrero, an enterprising lad who runs his own lemonade stand, has won a victory over the forces of darkness that hoped...
YOUR ANGUS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY PEPPERED, CANADA.

Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit

This weekend, Burger King announced that it was negotiating to buy Canadian coffee-and-donut shop Tim Horton's. Tim Horton's says it wants to merge because of the "potential to leverage Burger King’s worldwide footprint," while Burger King says it wants to...

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are...