Tag Archives: capitalism

  nice time!

Florida Man Reports Child’s Lemonade Stand To Authorities. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!

Today’s lesson in not being a curmudgeonly dickhead comes to us courtesy of Dunedin, Florida, where 12-year-old T.J. Guerrero, an enterprising lad who runs his own lemonade stand, has won a victory over the forces of darkness that hoped to teach him a lesson about the over-regulated nanny state by shutting him down forever. Ha, we’re kidding. The forces of darkness was really one force, an older guy who just didn’t like the kid and his friends and their skateboards and their saggy pants and hippy-hop music or whatnot. Also, clouds. Read more on Florida Man Reports Child’s Lemonade Stand To Authorities. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!…
  Taxes are so un-American

Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit

YOUR ANGUS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY PEPPERED, CANADA.
This weekend, Burger King announced that it was negotiating to buy Canadian coffee-and-donut shop Tim Horton’s. Tim Horton’s says it wants to merge because of the “potential to leverage Burger King’s worldwide footprint,” while Burger King says it wants to merge so more Canadians can suffer from explosive diarrhea. Read more on Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
 

Racist Dirtbag Donald Sterling Now $2.5 Billion Richer

Donald Sterling is best known for being ten pounds of racist neckflap in a five-pound housing discrimination bag. After his lawyers claimed he’d received offers to buy the Los Angeles Clippers for $2.5 billion, Deadspin pointed out this would make Lob City the most valuable sports franchise on the planet. Yes, those Los Angeles Clippers. Read more on Racist Dirtbag Donald Sterling Now $2.5 Billion Richer…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)

Stephen Colbert is torn, poor fellow. On the one hand, he says, he is “America’s most prominent Catholic.” Then again, he is also “America’s foremost capitalist. I love the invisible hand of the market so much I let it get to third base.” Ah, but there’s the conflict. That darn Pope Francis guy wants to cramp his style, with all that anti-capitalist, “don’t be worshiping money” cruelty of his. Read more on Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)…
  adam jacob jingleheimer smith

Wingnut Media Agree: Paying People For Work Makes Them Lazy

It is truly unbelievable that the President of Our United American States of America (SFX: “eagle” — actually red-tailed hawk) has absolutely no idea how the free market works. And how the free market works is that if you work hard leveraging the buyout of a business, you should be free to pay the peons who provide the actual labor as little as the market will bear so that you can maximize profits for your shareholders, and if you are a worker, you should shut the hell up, work harder, and be glad that you still have a job. And yet, in utter defiance of this basic law of economics, the Socialist Marxist wants to give all of the hardworking business owners’ money to the indigent and lazy welfare bums who work 50-60 hours a week for them, just because he thinks they deserve ‘fair pay’ for ‘overtime work.’ Look, if these people were working so hard, they would own the business, they would not be stocking the shelves. Thankfully, the rightwing media has mobilized to educate America about how being paid actually makes workers lazier. This does not, of course, apply to CEOs, who must get larger and larger bonuses and lower taxes, so that they will have an incentive to let other people have jobs at all. Read more on Wingnut Media Agree: Paying People For Work Makes Them Lazy…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  clipbait

Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?

Fox Business Network’s Charles Payne is very indignant that The LEGO Movie, the weekend’s top-grossing film, is “pushing its anti-business message to our kids” because the villain is an evil businessman. He also remarks that the character “looks a little bit like Mitt Romney,” which is maybe a stretch. Read more on Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?…
  whatever dude

New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker

New Pope continued his socialist rabble rousing today with the release of his Lenten Message, which, like the music of Sex Bob-Omb, will make you think about death and get sad and stuff. Except with redemption and resurrection, too, and you don’t have to fight anyone’s seven evil exes. And he’s still doing that economic justice thing that he’s so big on, although when you read through the whole thing, there is a surprising amount of Jesus stuff in there too. Read more on New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker…
  pope and change

Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, or at least to result in a veritable frothgasm of rightwing butthurt. Read more on Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists…
  Jesus Was A Limited Liability Corporation

‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope

Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn’t write about it. But not everybody is happy about the Pope’s new popery. One such not everybody is a man we’ve never heard of before named Jonathon Moseley, a Tea Party Something from Who Cares. Jonathon Moseley has much special knowledge about Jesus Christ: Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist. Totally, like when Jesus said unto his flock “It is the one who is least among you who will work for the lowest wage, and woe be upon him who formeth a union, for I said so. Also my taxes are too high.” Let us pray. Read more on ‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope…
  great pope or greatest pope?

Whatcha Doin’, New Pope? Oh, Nothin’, Just Killing Capitalism, For Real, No Big

You mocked us when we said “hey maybe this cat will Vatican III up in here.” You pooh-poohed us when we said we were getting a real good feeling he would liberalize the Church. You rolled your terrible eyes and gnashed your terrible teeth when we said not to be a bunch of goddamn Naderites for whom perfection is never quite perfect enough, all “waaaah, we won’t be happy until organized religion is wiped off the face of the earth,” and also, “waaah.” Well, suck it, beloved Terrible Ones, because New Pope just released the platform for his papacy, and it is basically titled “To Serve the Rich.” Oh shit! IT’S A COOKBOOK! Read more on Whatcha Doin’, New Pope? Oh, Nothin’, Just Killing Capitalism, For Real, No Big…
  perfect day

Deleted Comments Of The Day: I Guess This Is Your Idea Of ‘Creative Writing?’

Can anyone doubt that Wonkette’s Own Gary Legum has earned himself an appointment to the Jim Newell Memorial Chair in Peggy Noonan Studies? Apparently, someone can, and that someone is irate Accipitriform-American reader “HMichaelHAWK,” who had this to say about our most recent foray into Noonanlandia: I guess this is your idea of “Creative Writing?” It’s fairly boring in its extreme bias and Ad Hominem attacks. I guess when you have no substantive argument, you write something like this. Anyway, I doubt Peggy feels threatened by what you have written, since you record of intelligent composition is not even a “Mini-Me” of what she has accomplished. But it was fun to read the drivel you create. Dear God. If there’s anything more terrifying than the idea of a Noonan homunculus out there, guzzling gin and slurring its paeans to Ronald Reagan, we do not want to know. Guess we won’t be sleeping tonight. Happy Halloween to you, too, HMichaelHAWK. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: I Guess This Is Your Idea Of ‘Creative Writing?’…
  how stuff works

Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism

Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about the externalities like pollution and poverty and political corruption that come from capitalism, and how they are bad. So dumb! So liberal! Ugh, we disgust ourselves. Thank heavens there are men like Rand Paul and Alan Greenspan to set us straight. Open wide, dumb liberals, because here is Rand Paul on Hannity to regurgitate Economy Facts about Obamacare into your hungry gullets: Read more on Capitalist Running Dogs Rand Paul And Alan Greenspan Will Teach You Dumb Liberals About Capitalism…
  bring them your tired poor huddled masses

Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again

Oh. My. God. Libruls are TEH WORST! Damn hippies always seeking to create policy that benefits ‘the poors,’ when we all know that John Calvin, Wordy Shipmates, Shining City on a Hill, America, fuck yeah. Who are the heretics today who seek to desecrate the foundational principles of Jesus’s Capitalist Emporium for Jesus? None other than Senators Elizabeth Warren (D-Heart Flutters) and Ed Markey (D-New Guy). Per Daily Kos: Since Congress isn’t going to pass sane policy like an increased minimum wage and sick leave anytime soon, it’s up to the blue states and cities to do it. Next up, we hope: Massachusetts, where a coalition has formed to get these measures on the 2014 ballot. The lead petitioners’ names will be familiar: Sen. Elizabeth Warren for the minimum wage, and Sen. Ed Markey for earned sick time. While this might make New Pope happy, it will certainly anger the True Flock, who know that wealth is a sign that God loves you, which is why Jesus had a net worth of old sandals, some pieces of lumber, and some gently used nails.  Read more on Nice Time: Liz Warren And Ed Markey Being Total Hippies Again…
  let them eat stock

Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!

Oh goody, Citibank laid off almost 5% of their workforce RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, and this of course invites serious analysis about a variety of important topics. Like: what will these people and their families do vis a vis jobs? What about the fact that taxpayers bailed out Citi to the tune of $45 billion — does this create a sort of a social contract between Citi and the taxpayers and did Citi break it by laying these people off right before the holidays? What about the fact that recently-departed CEO Vikram Pandit took home over $200 million over the course of his five years at this company — was that appropriate in retrospect, considering that Citi is now engaging in massive layoffs, and if it’s not, what steps should Citi take to ensure that executive pay packages are reasonable? Except NONE of these topics were explored on CNBC, who devoted their Citi segment to discussing What This Means for the shareholders and for the market, which appeared to be pleased by Citi’s human sacrifice. Read more on Let CNBC Discuss What’s Important About Citi’s 4,000 Layoffs: Stock Prices!…
  let them eat quiche

This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’

It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald Trump, only one really stands out for its gobsmacking lack of humanity and empathy and realization that there are units we call “people” who roam the earth, the kind that says FUCK THEM, YOU MADE IT! Let us find out what it is, together! (Hint: It is a $100,000 chicken coop, like it says in the headline, and also that picture.) Read more on This $100,000 Chicken Coop Will Win You A ‘First Place’ Against ‘The Wall’ When ‘The Revolution’ ‘Comes’…
  he's the ayn randiest!

Stupid Hurricane ‘Victims,’ Let Fox News’ John Stossel Explain Why It Is Awesome To Price Gouge You

Now that Chris Christie has dared to show what used to be the standard amount of deference and respect due to the office of the president, the right wing has pounced on him like Rush Limbaugh on a Dominican hooker. The latest complaint is that he is not allowing oil companies to take advantage of New Jersey’s misfortune and charge whatever they want in storm-stricken neighborhoods filled with desperate people. There are long lines, you see, ever so long lines of people waiting for gasoline, and Chris Christie could fix these long lines if he just let gas stations charge, say, $20 per gallon. Why is Chris Christie a mean man that hates price gouging and by extension, capitalism? Read more on Stupid Hurricane ‘Victims,’ Let Fox News’ John Stossel Explain Why It Is Awesome To Price Gouge You…
  take your cheese and shove it

Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies

Last month, an African-American businessman named Calvin Hunter wrote a column for a website called Canada Free Press. He wrote about why, after spending his whole life a loyal Democrat, he now hates the Rotten Horrible Democrat Party. We know about this because Allen West told us about it on the tweeter yesterday, in case we did not spend a lot of time on websites that claim things such as Huma Abedin really being a terrorist plant. This one isn’t about Evil Islam though — it’s about discrimination, and West said it was “why more black Americans are leaving the Democrat party,” and it is definitely not petulant ramblings from a guy in a lime green hat, and is most certainly not a big giant fibbity fib fib. Read more on Small Businessman Built That, Sits On Throne Of Non-Union Lies…
  mitt romney actually did build that

Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today

Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too. The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store. I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies. Do you know that pencil you use to write down your maths? The eraser you use to hide your shameful mistakes because under Obamunism you do not know your numbers? Mitt Romney gave you that power. It is his power. A question before we continue: why does Mitt Romney write like a nervous high schooler writing for an essay competition? “I’m very familiar with these stores”? Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation? Read more on Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today…
  suffer the little children

Barack Obama Now Trying To Murder White Children, With Asthma

How is the Obama administration trying to murder white children today? Oh, only by giving them more asthma, for racial fairness, according to this incredibly logical and sane explicator in The American Thinker. Thinking! Pull up your coffee, and learn how to do it, with the American Thinker to guide you! The Obama Administration has identified the latest front in its tireless war against America’s systemic injustice: asthma. A new report […] argues, in effect, that freedom has led to an unfair distribution of healthy lungs, and therefore steps must be taken to achieve respiratory justice. The official press release for this report does not commit itself on the question of whether greater asthmatic-racial “parity” ought to be attained by reducing the incidence of asthma among minorities, increasing the rate among whites, or some combination of the two. Well of course Barack Obama wants to give more white children asthma, that is what the EPA drones over the Heartland are for, to ooze diabolical chem-trails onto the (white) children of farmers, that just makes sense. Read more on Barack Obama Now Trying To Murder White Children, With Asthma…
  das kapital

Jennifer Rubin Opens Yap

Does Barack Obama understand capitalism? This is a legitimate question that Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post would like answered, given that Obama is a Socialist bully who uses intemperate language and who is NEVER EVER THERE for America’s bff Israel and MIGHT take powers granted to him by Obamacare to legislate “new and previously unimaginable infringements on individual liberty and decimating the federal structure of our government.“ His recent attacks on poor, defenseless Bain Capital can only mean one thing: Obama does not understand Capitalism, because duh. …[Bain’s] “brand” of capitalism is capitalism, and in its undiluted state does create hardship, but nothing in comparison to the amount of suffering inherent in other, less successful economic models. Two points should be kept in mind. First, we don’t have undiluted capitalism precisely because, while capitalism is the greatest wealth-creator the world has ever known (I think Obama even said this), we don’t as a compassionate society want undue suffering in the short term. Hence, we have unemployment insurance and an array of social safety-net programs. Look, do you want to live in “other, less successful economic models” — like the kind of social democracy they have in Sweden, where everyone has free health care and education and paid maternity leave? DO YOU? Do you EVEN KNOW what kind of freedom and liberty you’d lose? And the suffering, my god, the suffering. Because nothing compares to the amount of suffering you see amongst those Swedish commie socialist pinkos, not even the minimal amount of suffering you might see in undiluted capitalism, which we don’t even HAVE. Read more on Jennifer Rubin Opens Yap…