Tag Archives: capitalism

  Forgive me father for I am Donald Trump

Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed

Vaginamouth
Pope Francis is heading to America soon, whereupon he’ll do that thing where he kisses the little Catholic babies and says “Death to America,” or at least that’s how it sounds to Republicans, who don’t like how he says “climate change exists” and “fracking is a bad thing” and “gays are evil but not that evil I guess.”  Donald Trump especially doesn’t like it when New Pope does that commie talk about how maybe unfettered capitalism isn’t what Makes America Great Again, so Trump is going to have to threaten him with the thing that (maybe?) scares him the most, which is how ISIS is GONNA GET HIM AND SAY “BOO!” New Pope will be so scared he will soil his pope hat, with pee! Read more on Donald Trump Warns Pope Francis About ISIS Monsters Under His Bed…
  Highly Illogical

Ted Cruz Gets Republican Jizz All Over Your Beloved Star Trek

This revisionism will not stand, man
Ted Cruz is trying to ruin your beloved childhood memories again. First, he fucked up The Simpsons, and now he’s coming after Star Trek, Gene Roddenberry’s Kennedy Administration in Space fantasia. In Cruz’s mental version of the show, Captain James T. Kirk is a Republican (or will be, in a few centuries), and Jean-Luc Picard, that tea-drinking squish, is a Democrat. This only stands to reason: Cruz has also decided that, were he alive today, JFK himself would be a Republican, too. Because, you know, tax cuts. Read more on Ted Cruz Gets Republican Jizz All Over Your Beloved Star Trek…
  the thirst for profits is real

Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible.

Why does Obama hate freedom scams?
You may remember that last summer, Obama’s cabal of Education Department goons went after esteemed for-profit Corinthian Colleges, targeting them for the unspeakable crime of being too awesome and making too much money. Sure, the USDE said it was because Corinthian kept juking its job placement stats to entice more students to enroll in its dead-end programs that turn out students who can’t ever pay back their federal loans, but we know it’s because the socialist Kenyan occupying the White House hates freedom and money. On Monday, the forces of evil won and Corinthian shuttered all its colleges nationwide. Read more on Barack Obama Literally Slaughtered Terrible For-Profit Scam Corinthian ‘Colleges.’ Oh. How Terrible….
  Letters from a jilted lover

Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!

Not presidential material. Not Bobby Jindal either.
Bobby Jindal, wingnut governor of Louisiana, is whining in a very public way. Why? Gays. Where? The New York Times. Jindal has penned an op-ed to let everybody know that, unlike those Republican pussies in Arkansas and Indiana, who caved to the unholy alliance of Big Business and Big Sodomy and signed watered-down Religious Freedom Restoration Acts (RFRA’s, as the kids call them on Snapchat) that don’t explicitly allow people with Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs to discriminate against gays and lesbians any old damn way they choose, he will be “holding firm against gay marriage.” In fact, that is the headline of his piece! Show us on the doll where the gays are bullying you, Governor Jindal: Read more on Bobby Jindal Is Being Bullied By The Gaywads, And He’s Not Gonna Take It Anymore!…
  nice time!

Florida Man Reports Child’s Lemonade Stand To Authorities. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!

Today’s lesson in not being a curmudgeonly dickhead comes to us courtesy of Dunedin, Florida, where 12-year-old T.J. Guerrero, an enterprising lad who runs his own lemonade stand, has won a victory over the forces of darkness that hoped to teach him a lesson about the over-regulated nanny state by shutting him down forever. Ha, we’re kidding. The forces of darkness was really one force, an older guy who just didn’t like the kid and his friends and their skateboards and their saggy pants and hippy-hop music or whatnot. Also, clouds. Read more on Florida Man Reports Child’s Lemonade Stand To Authorities. You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next!…
  Taxes are so un-American

Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit

YOUR ANGUS IS NOT EVEN REMOTELY PEPPERED, CANADA.
This weekend, Burger King announced that it was negotiating to buy Canadian coffee-and-donut shop Tim Horton’s. Tim Horton’s says it wants to merge because of the “potential to leverage Burger King’s worldwide footprint,” while Burger King says it wants to merge so more Canadians can suffer from explosive diarrhea. Read more on Burger King Tries To Buy A Canadian Coffee Store For Fun And Profit…
  screeeeeeeech

Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store

You might remember that earlier this year, Pennsylvania had gay marriage rammed down its throat and we rejoiced and were glad. But in a weird quirk of Santorum law, though the gays can get hitched in Pennsylvania, they are not actually protected under discrimination laws. Read more on Breitbart Howler Monkeys Outraged Lesbians Said Anything About That Bigot Bridal Store…
 

Racist Dirtbag Donald Sterling Now $2.5 Billion Richer

Donald Sterling is best known for being ten pounds of racist neckflap in a five-pound housing discrimination bag. After his lawyers claimed he’d received offers to buy the Los Angeles Clippers for $2.5 billion, Deadspin pointed out this would make Lob City the most valuable sports franchise on the planet. Yes, those Los Angeles Clippers. Read more on Racist Dirtbag Donald Sterling Now $2.5 Billion Richer…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)

Stephen Colbert is torn, poor fellow. On the one hand, he says, he is “America’s most prominent Catholic.” Then again, he is also “America’s foremost capitalist. I love the invisible hand of the market so much I let it get to third base.” Ah, but there’s the conflict. That darn Pope Francis guy wants to cramp his style, with all that anti-capitalist, “don’t be worshiping money” cruelty of his. Read more on Stephen Colbert Has A Few Words For This Marxist Pope Guy (Video)…
  adam jacob jingleheimer smith

Wingnut Media Agree: Paying People For Work Makes Them Lazy

It is truly unbelievable that the President of Our United American States of America (SFX: “eagle” — actually red-tailed hawk) has absolutely no idea how the free market works. And how the free market works is that if you work hard leveraging the buyout of a business, you should be free to pay the peons who provide the actual labor as little as the market will bear so that you can maximize profits for your shareholders, and if you are a worker, you should shut the hell up, work harder, and be glad that you still have a job. And yet, in utter defiance of this basic law of economics, the Socialist Marxist wants to give all of the hardworking business owners’ money to the indigent and lazy welfare bums who work 50-60 hours a week for them, just because he thinks they deserve ‘fair pay’ for ‘overtime work.’ Look, if these people were working so hard, they would own the business, they would not be stocking the shelves. Thankfully, the rightwing media has mobilized to educate America about how being paid actually makes workers lazier. This does not, of course, apply to CEOs, who must get larger and larger bonuses and lower taxes, so that they will have an incentive to let other people have jobs at all. Read more on Wingnut Media Agree: Paying People For Work Makes Them Lazy…
  ensuring that the poor will always be with you

Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way to help the poor is to lower the minimum wage! Where, oh where, would such brilliant logic come from? Robert Strayton, some former executive vice president of a big ol fancy company, put forth his magnum opus in the pro-poor pages of the Wall Street Journal: I have come to believe that the most effective step we can take to ameliorate poverty, kick-start job growth and invigorate hope in every social stratum is to experiment with a $5 minimum wage. That’s right. Instead of making more money, we need to make sure that the poor make less money. And that will solve everything! This guy is like modern-day Monica Lewinsky, except he is blowing minds. And we just stained his blue blazer. Let’s hear him richsplain to all the poors how making less money will be good for them.  Read more on Wall Street Journal Loves Poor People So Much It Wants To Make More Of Them…
  clipbait

Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?

Fox Business Network’s Charles Payne is very indignant that The LEGO Movie, the weekend’s top-grossing film, is “pushing its anti-business message to our kids” because the villain is an evil businessman. He also remarks that the character “looks a little bit like Mitt Romney,” which is maybe a stretch. Read more on Fox Business: Why Does The LEGO Movie Hate America?…
  whatever dude

New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker

New Pope continued his socialist rabble rousing today with the release of his Lenten Message, which, like the music of Sex Bob-Omb, will make you think about death and get sad and stuff. Except with redemption and resurrection, too, and you don’t have to fight anyone’s seven evil exes. And he’s still doing that economic justice thing that he’s so big on, although when you read through the whole thing, there is a surprising amount of Jesus stuff in there too. Read more on New Pope Under Impression Jesus Wasn’t Even A Stockbroker…
  pope and change

Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, or at least to result in a veritable frothgasm of rightwing butthurt. Read more on Comrade Obama To Meet Comrade New Pope, Plot Together To FEMA Camp All Capitalists…
  Jesus Was A Limited Liability Corporation

‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope

Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn’t write about it. But not everybody is happy about the Pope’s new popery. One such not everybody is a man we’ve never heard of before named Jonathon Moseley, a Tea Party Something from Who Cares. Jonathon Moseley has much special knowledge about Jesus Christ: Jesus was a capitalist, preaching personal responsibility, not a socialist. Totally, like when Jesus said unto his flock “It is the one who is least among you who will work for the lowest wage, and woe be upon him who formeth a union, for I said so. Also my taxes are too high.” Let us pray. Read more on ‘Jesus Was A Capitalist’ Is Really The Title Of This Tea Party Nobody’s Rant Against The Pope…
  great pope or greatest pope?

Whatcha Doin’, New Pope? Oh, Nothin’, Just Killing Capitalism, For Real, No Big

You mocked us when we said “hey maybe this cat will Vatican III up in here.” You pooh-poohed us when we said we were getting a real good feeling he would liberalize the Church. You rolled your terrible eyes and gnashed your terrible teeth when we said not to be a bunch of goddamn Naderites for whom perfection is never quite perfect enough, all “waaaah, we won’t be happy until organized religion is wiped off the face of the earth,” and also, “waaah.” Well, suck it, beloved Terrible Ones, because New Pope just released the platform for his papacy, and it is basically titled “To Serve the Rich.” Oh shit! IT’S A COOKBOOK! Read more on Whatcha Doin’, New Pope? Oh, Nothin’, Just Killing Capitalism, For Real, No Big…