capitalism

It is truly unbelievable that the President of Our United American States of America (SFX: “eagle” — actually red-tailed hawk) has absolutely no idea how the free market works. And how the free market works is that if you work hard leveraging the buyout of a business, you should be free to pay the peons […]

So you know how President Obama called for a minimum wage of $10.10 in the State of the Union? Well, that is a great plan if you HATE THE POORS. But if you love the poor, if you have compassion in your heart and a soul full of goodness, then you know that best way […]

Fox Business Network’s Charles Payne is very indignant that The LEGO Movie, the weekend’s top-grossing film, is “pushing its anti-business message to our kids” because the villain is an evil businessman. He also remarks that the character “looks a little bit like Mitt Romney,” which is maybe a stretch. Payne reprises the Fox complaint that […]

New Pope continued his socialist rabble rousing today with the release of his Lenten Message, which, like the music of Sex Bob-Omb, will make you think about death and get sad and stuff. Except with redemption and resurrection, too, and you don’t have to fight anyone’s seven evil exes. And he’s still doing that economic […]

Rejoice, Comrades! Commissar of State John Kerry said today that Comrade Obama and Comrade New Pope will meet “at some point in the near future.” The glorious coming together of the God King of Islamic Marxism and the Papist Enemy of the Free Market is expected to mark the start of a worldwide People’s Revolution, […]

Pope Francis has been making a lot of liberals feel funny in the pants (the POLITICS part of the pants, pervo), like when he recently said that capitalism is a buncha bullshit (paraphrasing), and also when he touched the guy with the non-standard skin, even though we didn’t write about it. But not everybody is […]

You mocked us when we said “hey maybe this cat will Vatican III up in here.” You pooh-poohed us when we said we were getting a real good feeling he would liberalize the Church. You rolled your terrible eyes and gnashed your terrible teeth when we said not to be a bunch of goddamn Naderites […]

Can anyone doubt that Wonkette’s Own Gary Legum has earned himself an appointment to the Jim Newell Memorial Chair in Peggy Noonan Studies? Apparently, someone can, and that someone is irate Accipitriform-American reader “HMichaelHAWK,” who had this to say about our most recent foray into Noonanlandia: I guess this is your idea of “Creative Writing?” […]

Gosh, we are such dumb liberals! We thought we knew all about capitalism, an economic system most of us have lived with our entire lives. We thought we knew all about private ownership, and free markets, and the commodification of labor, and investment, and consumption, and all that jazz! And we thought we knew about […]

Oh. My. God. Libruls are TEH WORST! Damn hippies always seeking to create policy that benefits ‘the poors,’ when we all know that John Calvin, Wordy Shipmates, Shining City on a Hill, America, fuck yeah. Who are the heretics today who seek to desecrate the foundational principles of Jesus’s Capitalist Emporium for Jesus? None other […]

Oh goody, Citibank laid off almost 5% of their workforce RIGHT BEFORE THE HOLIDAYS, and this of course invites serious analysis about a variety of important topics. Like: what will these people and their families do vis a vis jobs? What about the fact that taxpayers bailed out Citi to the tune of $45 billion […]

It’s that time of year again! Time for the Neiman Marcus Fantasy Christmas Book of Charming Gifts for the guy at Papa Johns! Can you stand the excitement? Neither can we! But while there are plenty of stupid ways to blow the greasy wads of cash that have turned you from human being to Donald […]

Now that Chris Christie has dared to show what used to be the standard amount of deference and respect due to the office of the president, the right wing has pounced on him like Rush Limbaugh on a Dominican hooker. The latest complaint is that he is not allowing oil companies to take advantage of […]

Last month, an African-American businessman named Calvin Hunter wrote a column for a website called Canada Free Press. He wrote about why, after spending his whole life a loyal Democrat, he now hates the Rotten Horrible Democrat Party. We know about this because Allen West told us about it on the tweeter yesterday, in case […]

Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too. The back-to-school season is here, and as parents […]