Who do you want representing you, South Dakota? A disgusting hippie who loves “cap and trade” and taught at the Biosphere and has a master’s degree? Or this nice lady with the awesome hair who was named “young farmer of the year” by the “Waterstown JC” (?) and who didn’t whore herself out to Big […]

Sen. Joe Manchin saw some Republican candidates in the midterms using heated rhetoric about using their guns on people, so he decided he had to do it too. So he went hunting for a wild cap-and-trade bill on some coon trail and shot it in slow motion with his sexy shotgun. Did he field dress […]

OIL IS SO TASTY  4:30 pm February 2, 2010

Meh Cap-And-Trade Whatever

by Jim Newell

It’s Barack Obama in New Hampshire! Here he is politely acknowledging that the Senate will probably drop cap-and-trade this year. And sorry, “Starbucks coffee enthusiasts,” but that sounds like a pretty good idea right now.

By the Comics CurmudgeonReaders, your Comics Curmudgeon apologizes for missing last week’s column, but you were all probably using alcohol, smoked meat products, and dangerous explosives to mask your self-loathing and economic despair and weren’t watching the Interhoo anyway, were you? You probably didn’t even notice that I was gone, after all I do for […]

Last Thursday hundreds of helpless picnic-goers were forced to wear leis and eat lomi lomi salmon while Barack Obama lit cigarettes with a tiki torch. It was the first madrassa-themed congressional picnic, ever. [HuffPost] More than 200 mullet-sporting diabetics came to pastor Ken Pagano’s bring-your-gun-to-church-day and wow, nobody got shot! It was a big improvement […]

Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste …

Flash mob, you guys! Cryptic playing card mementos, just like the Joker used! What’s it all add up to? A very urgent Citizen Effort to halt climate change, taking place at your local Longworth cafeteria in, hmm, 45 minutes or so.

Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the […]

Sometimes you wonder if pollsters ask themselves “Is this an insulting thing to ask people?” before dialing up the opinionated American electorate. But no, not insulting, just revealing: “Given a choice of three options, just 24% of voters can correctly identify the cap-and-trade proposal as something that deals with environmental issues. A slightly higher number […]