It turns out that the various terrible and offensive things we write about all the creeps and fascists running for president affect the way your average loser on the street thinks! At least if your average googler, as simulated by Google Suggest, is any indication. Slate’s Christopher Beam and Chadwick Matlin “investigated” (typed all the candidates names in and saw what funny things came up). Google Suggest suggests you might be asking about the following things: MORE »

Relationship guru and Men’s Health editor-in-chief tells you what your man’s political preferences tell you about his relationship style. (Hint: If he likes Tancredo, try not to be Mexican.) [Yahoo! Health]

Former … uh, we don’t remember what he was … senator? Governor? Let’s go with “governor.” Former governor Jim “James” Gilmore was apparently running for the GOP nomination for … president, apparently. But there’s terrible news! He is being forced to suspend his campaigning due to Emergency Eye Surgery! MORE »

It’s time, everybody, it’s time! Feel the disconnect as Nightly Business Report segues to PBS Presidential Primary Forums With Tavis Smiley. Ladies and gentlemen, get your cocktails ready.

Come on in, the water sucks.

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Nerds of the world, your ingenious “hack every unscientific online poll” strategy is paying off big! The “Ron Paul Meetup Group” has seen its membership skyrocket in recent weeks. And they’re showing no signs of slowing, or of common sense! MORE »

Another fun way to choose a president is, of course, to find out what sort of pets they have — or in the case of animal haters Barry Hussein Obama and Rudy Giuliani, what pets they don’t have. MORE »

Everyone who wants the Republican nomination hates immigrants, even the ones who love immigrants. MORE »

What we learned from today’s Radar profile of lunatic presidential candidate Mike Gravel: MORE »

Rudy Giuliani loves abortion. Love love loves it. How much does he love it? At least $900 worth. And the Politico wants to remind you how much Rudy loves aborting cute little babies. But his donations to Planned Parenthood have been in the public record for years, and everyone already knows that the guy loves him some abortion. So how to make a “news” story out of it? Wait for an unnamed rival campaign to conveniently remind you of these donations! MORE »

You’ll never make a monkey out of Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, and Tom Tancredo — those three revealed themselves to be either the dumbest or the most craven three candidates on a stage with a lot of competition.

The Gold Standard question received a similar response, though Tancredo was the only one who refused to denounce the Fugutive Slave Act.

After the jump, watch the skin-crawlingly hilarious abortion question!

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Barry Hussein Obama today became the earliest Presidential candidate ever to be placed under Secret Service protection. Michael Chertoff authorized it himself, as he’s a fan of grim foreshadowing, and recently saw Bobby. MORE »