Tag Archives: candidates

  Cavalcade Of Futility

Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President

Here’s a poll from Gallup that nicely encapsulates why the Republican party is so screwed: Among Republicans, Paul Ryan is the top choice out of five prospective candidates to lose the presidency to Hillary in 2016 (the others were, in order, Rubio, that amateur dentist fellow, a known Canadian anchor baby, and Chris Christie), but among “adults,” Ryan comes third. The adults like Chris Christie best because he is “real,” probably, and also “bipartisanship,” which in this case means he was not a huge dick to a man he was about to hit up for several billion dollars. We’ll take it, we guess. The big question, of course, is: Will Republican primary voters look past Christie’s flaws, like how he was nice to that Kenyan imposter, and how he maybe thinks evolution is real, and realize he’s pretty much the only person with an “R” after their name that stands a snowball’s chance in the Senate of getting elected? Read more on Already Focused On Losing In 2016, Republicans Want Paul Ryan For President…
  The sporting news

Jock-Republicans Seek To Take Over America

A bunch of retired professional football and basketball athletes have been running for office this year on the Republican ticket, to Take America Back and also reinforce the stereotype about jocks not being very bright. The aspiring-leader bunch includes “at least five” former NFL or NBA superheroes, Bloomberg News reports. Talk about tossing political footballs! LOL. Read more on Jock-Republicans Seek To Take Over America…
  america's greatest family

George Bush Sr. Will Make Jeb Be President, Soon

Here’s old “Poppy” Bush talking to the teevee about how he will order America to make his son Jeb be “elected” President, sooner or later, dead or alive. Obviously this will happen, because we forget everything terrible about this shady oil corporation of a family every eight years and just assume that one of them should run the country. And, well, if you look at the other clowns the GOP has in its stable, Jeb’s good enough, or at least predictable and has a modest record of competency. Sure. [YouTube] Read more on George Bush Sr. Will Make Jeb Be President, Soon…
 

GILF Alert: Missouri’s Sarah Steelman May Be Next Pretty Lady Gov

Wonkette GILF Operative SloppyCronkite sends us this hot tip: “I’m pleased to announced that a possible GILF is running for the governor’s office in Missouri. Her name is Sarah Steelman, so if elected we’d have a glorious two Sarahs as hot governors. Imagine that.” This current state treasurer, like Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is a Republican. [Riverfront Times] Read more on GILF Alert: Missouri’s Sarah Steelman May Be Next Pretty Lady Gov…
 

PRESIDENT MIKE GRAVEL JOINS LIBERTARIAN PARTY: Former Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel, who we still thought was running for the Democratic nomination for president, has joined the Libertarian Party and may run for president that way, too. Gravel is famous for throwing rocks, yelling at other candidates, and this fantastic rapping video he made. Gravel’s exit helps clear the way for a unified Democratic party under Barack Obama, so maybe that Hillary Clinton galoot should get her act together and do the same. [The Trail] Read more on …
 

Meet Your New Democratic President, Thomas Boyle!

On February 29, the race for the Democratic nomination got an awful lot easier: Thomas Boyle, uncle of Lara Flynn Boyle, finally announced his run for president. It is not clear whether this man is a real human, or if this is a joke that sneaked its way onto the wire services. But here’s your first taste of the next frontrunner: “Mr. Boyle, the former U.S. House of Representatives Page, Real Estate broker, and music composer is quoted, ‘On this special day, Leap Year Day, and the birthday of that other great American, Superman, I am throwing my hat in the race for the White House.'” There is so, so much more about this former page. Read more on Meet Your New Democratic President, Thomas Boyle!…
 

Ralph Nader Saves America From Corporates

Very old consumer advocate Ralph Nader launched a third-party bid for the presidency again today, bringing a swift end to corporate welfare queens across America. Wear yr seatbelts! Nader, a 73-year-old hero, caved in order to stop Iraq wars and fix the economy. He “blamed tax and other corporate-friendly policies under the Bush administration that he said have left many lower- and middle-class people in debt.” Read more on Ralph Nader Saves America From Corporates…
 

Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss Fred Thompson and I’m not ashamed of that. Do I want him to be president? Mormon Jesus, no. But ever since Fred joined in September — looking like a primo Bushian dumbhack who’d tout his lack of knowledge about anything to connect with “people” — he’s fallen to, say, third or fourth or possibly fifth among Republican candidate antichrists. Read more on Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson…
 

*FRED’S CAMPAIGN BEEN DONE:* It’s confirmed: Grampa Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, the laziest man ever and lover to tadpoles of all sizes, has dropped out of the presidential race. [MSNBC]
 

Bush: ‘Change’ Just Means They Like Me More

In an interview with NBC today, George W. Bush responded to all these candidates talking about Change, because what’s so bad with the way things are now? Of course it’s nothing, he says. It’s just something those politick-types like to say to win presidential elections and maybe get laid. Read more on Bush: ‘Change’ Just Means They Like Me More…
 

WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE HAIR-PLUGGED DRUNKARDS? Well, Biden’s out. Good-bye, Joe. You are pretty smart for a senator, even if you’ve rarely been smart enough to shut up before you say something vaguely racist or just plain absurd. Maybe President Ron Paul will make you Secretary of State, right before the U.N. is destroyed. Read more on …
 

Politics, Like Family, Can Be Embarrassing

The holidays are a time when you get together with your family, drink too much and argue about politics because there’s still nothing good on TV. For instance, my grandfather doesn’t think we at Wonkette make fun of Hillary Clinton enough and that we’re a little mean to Ron Paul. Is my grandpa a Paultard? Is it too early to start drinking? Who are you embarrassed to admit that your family members plan to vote for? A completely anonymous end-of-the-workday poll, after the jump. Read more on Politics, Like Family, Can Be Embarrassing…
 

Google Knows Your, Mitt Romney’s Secrets

It turns out that the various terrible and offensive things we write about all the creeps and fascists running for president affect the way your average loser on the street thinks! At least if your average googler, as simulated by Google Suggest, is any indication. Slate’s Christopher Beam and Chadwick Matlin “investigated” (typed all the candidates names in and saw what funny things came up). Google Suggest suggests you might be asking about the following things: Read more on Google Knows Your, Mitt Romney’s Secrets…
 

Relationship guru and Men’s Health editor-in-chief tells you what your man’s political preferences tell you about his relationship style. (Hint: If he likes Tancredo, try not to be Mexican.) [Yahoo! Health] Read more on …
 

Jim Gilmore Pulls ‘Eye Surgery’ Campaign Stunt

Former … uh, we don’t remember what he was … senator? Governor? Let’s go with “governor.” Former governor Jim “James” Gilmore was apparently running for the GOP nomination for … president, apparently. But there’s terrible news! He is being forced to suspend his campaigning due to Emergency Eye Surgery! Read more on Jim Gilmore Pulls ‘Eye Surgery’ Campaign Stunt…
 

Rudy & Barry Both Hate Your Pets

Another fun way to choose a president is, of course, to find out what sort of pets they have — or in the case of animal haters Barry Hussein Obama and Rudy Giuliani, what pets they don’t have. Read more on Rudy & Barry Both Hate Your Pets…
 

GOP Hopefuls Hope You Don’t Remember Their Old Positions on Immigration

Everyone who wants the Republican nomination hates immigrants, even the ones who love immigrants. WALNUTS!, who sponsored the damn amnesty bill with Ted Kennedy, now wants nothing to do with it and hopes you won’t bring it up. Mitt Romney, unsurprisingly, praised the bill last year and now trashes it. Rudy Giuliani just wants to sodomize all the immigrants with billy clubs. Sam Brownback and Mike Huckabee would like to go the extra mile and throw out all the Irish, too. Read more on GOP Hopefuls Hope You Don’t Remember Their Old Positions on Immigration…
 

Newsmedia Toys With Old Man For Yuks

What we learned from today’s Radar profile of lunatic presidential candidate Mike Gravel: * Mike Gravel is a bad driver. * “All I know is that if I can get up to double digits, it’s Katie bar the door!” He claps his hands together and smiles a Chosen One smile. * Tom Edsall is actually insane: “David Broder is the voice of the people,” he replies matter-of-factly. Gravel starts to smile, assuming Edsall is making an absurdist joke. But Edsall is not joking. The two men look at each other in awkward silence over a great gulf of unshared beliefs, then Gravel chuckles and walks ahead into the restaurant. * “Gra-VEL” Read more on Newsmedia Toys With Old Man For Yuks…
 

‘Politico': Rudy Still a Baby-Killer

Rudy Giuliani loves abortion. Love love loves it. How much does he love it? At least $900 worth. And the Politico wants to remind you how much Rudy loves aborting cute little babies. But his donations to Planned Parenthood have been in the public record for years, and everyone already knows that the guy loves him some abortion. So how to make a “news” story out of it? Wait for an unnamed rival campaign to conveniently remind you of these donations! Read more on ‘Politico': Rudy Still a Baby-Killer…