Here’s old “Poppy” Bush talking to the teevee about how he will order America to make his son Jeb be “elected” President, sooner or later, dead or alive. Obviously this will happen, because we forget everything terrible about this shady oil corporation of a family every eight years and just assume that one of them should run the country. And, well, if you look at the other clowns the GOP has in its stable, Jeb’s good enough, or at least predictable and has a modest record of competency. Sure. [YouTube]

Wonkette GILF Operative SloppyCronkite sends us this hot tip: “I’m pleased to announced that a possible GILF is running for the governor’s office in Missouri. Her name is Sarah Steelman, so if elected we’d have a glorious two Sarahs as hot governors. Imagine that.” This current state treasurer, like Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, is a Republican. [Riverfront Times] MORE »

PRESIDENT MIKE GRAVEL JOINS LIBERTARIAN PARTY: Former Alaska Sen. Mike Gravel, who we still thought was running for the Democratic nomination for president, has joined the Libertarian Party and may run for president that way, too. Gravel is famous for throwing rocks, yelling at other candidates, and this fantastic rapping video he made. Gravel’s exit helps clear the way for a unified Democratic party under Barack Obama, so maybe that Hillary Clinton galoot should get her act together and do the same. [The Trail]

On February 29, the race for the Democratic nomination got an awful lot easier: Thomas Boyle, uncle of Lara Flynn Boyle, finally announced his run for president. It is not clear whether this man is a real human, or if this is a joke that sneaked its way onto the wire services. But here’s your first taste of the next frontrunner: “Mr. Boyle, the former U.S. House of Representatives Page, Real Estate broker, and music composer is quoted, ‘On this special day, Leap Year Day, and the birthday of that other great American, Superman, I am throwing my hat in the race for the White House.’” There is so, so much more about this former page. MORE »

Very old consumer advocate Ralph Nader launched a third-party bid for the presidency again today, bringing a swift end to corporate welfare queens across America. Wear yr seatbelts! MORE »

This can’t be happening! It’s a sad day for Humor. Better get started on the obit. [The Page]

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss Fred Thompson and I’m not ashamed of that. Do I want him to be president? Mormon Jesus, no. But ever since Fred joined in September — looking like a primo Bushian dumbhack who’d tout his lack of knowledge about anything to connect with “people” — he’s fallen to, say, third or fourth or possibly fifth among Republican candidate antichrists. MORE »

*FRED’S CAMPAIGN BEEN DONE:* It’s confirmed: Grampa Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, the laziest man ever and lover to tadpoles of all sizes, has dropped out of the presidential race. [MSNBC]

In an interview with NBC today, George W. Bush responded to all these candidates talking about Change, because what’s so bad with the way things are now? Of course it’s nothing, he says. It’s just something those politick-types like to say to win presidential elections and maybe get laid. MORE »

WHO WILL SPEAK FOR THE HAIR-PLUGGED DRUNKARDS? Well, Biden’s out. Good-bye, Joe. You are pretty smart for a senator, even if you’ve rarely been smart enough to shut up before you say something vaguely racist or just plain absurd. Maybe President Ron Paul will make you Secretary of State, right before the U.N. is destroyed.

The holidays are a time when you get together with your family, drink too much and argue about politics because there’s still nothing good on TV. For instance, my grandfather doesn’t think we at Wonkette make fun of Hillary Clinton enough and that we’re a little mean to Ron Paul. Is my grandpa a Paultard? Is it too early to start drinking? Who are you embarrassed to admit that your family members plan to vote for? A completely anonymous end-of-the-workday poll, after the jump.

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