cancer
Time Magazine Helpfully Explains Why A Quick Visit To The ER Costs As Much As A Semester At Harvard
Your Wonkette had to go to the hospital about a year ago for a two hour long procedure. We had a good friend come pick us up, and as we left, she indicated a desire to take the brown paper bag of basic first aid supplies that the doctor had left for us to bring [...]
Socialized ER Care Is Such A Sweet Deal, Unless You Have Ball Cancer
Isn’t it wonderful to live in the land of socialized health care, where You People can all go to the ER of our local hospitals and receive medical services that everyone else pays for? As Mitt pointed out, “If someone has a heart attack, they don’t sit in their apartment and die. We pick them [...]
GOP Congressional Hopeful, Star Trek Fan, Thinks People No Longer Die of Breast Cancer or ‘Some Other Things’
Last Thursday (otherwise known as The Day Justice Roberts Killed Freedom) marked the beginning of what will hopefully be a long-lasting trend in American politics, namely, politicians, pundits, and aspiring politicians saying what they think, in public, to reporters or on the air. For example, did you know that this isn’t Europe, which means that [...]
TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers
How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in [...]
Hugo Chavez Demands to Know If United States Gave Him Cancer
In case you ever wonder to yourself, as a dark thought experiment, what it sounds like when someone as profoundly paranoid and insane as Michele Bachmann actually ends up as a head of state, you get hilarious newz reports about your president like this one: A day after officials announced the cancer diagnosis of Argentina’s [...]
Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’
Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a [...]
ObamaCare Wants to Murder Herman Cain With Cancer
Herman Cain: “If ObamaCare had been implemented when I caught cancer, I’d be dead.” Is cancer still a thing people are “catching” these days? If so, everyone stay away from Herman Cain, because he had it! Whatever, there are still a few weird morons who believe that ObamaCare will axe murder to pieces whatever sweet [...]
Donald Rumsfeld Anally Probed By TSA
Forgotten war criminal Donald Rumsfeld was taking a flight back to one of his mansions for the weekend when he was apprehended and felt up by TSA slobs. This is kind of like Justice, minus the part where Donald Rumsfeld was tortured for sixty-two years and then thrown into the Lake of Fire. Because, of [...]
Bribery at Tiffany’s: Newt’s Latest Wife Did Tiffany’s Bidding
We thought Giant Whining Baby/Serial Divorcer Newt Gingrich had his half-million-dollar Tiffany’s credit line just because he always needs new engagement rings when he divorces his old, cancer-ridden wives for new, younger ladies he’s been schtupping for several years. But no, it’s actually sleazier than all that, because this is Newt Gingrich we’re talking about. [...]
Topanga, Moesha, and Meghan McCain Naked On Rooftop
Hey, it’s all the stars from ’90s teen sitcoms. And Meghan McCain, for some reason. This was pretty much our reaction: [Politico via Mike Riggs]
Elizabeth Edwards Is Dying, Hates the Baby (Baby Jesus)
Hey you guys, Elizabeth Edwards, that lady whose husband cheated on her, is now dying. Do you remember when John Edwards announced she was dying of cancer at the beginning of his 2008 campaign, but he was staying in the race so you would vote for him out of pity? Yeah, that campaign promise was [...]
FDA’s Cigarette Package Plan To Feature Cool Death Images
Cigarettes are going to cease to exist forever because the FDA has unveiled new, scarier anti-smoking warnings that will cover 50% of the front of cigarette packaging. But because these warning pictures were made by bureaucrats, they’re not actually that scary. Where’s the photo of a cigarette chopping a guy’s dick in half? C’mon, government. [...]
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