Wonkette

A while back our boyfriend Alec Baldwin said he would go to Canada if George W. Bush was elected, but he ended up staying in country and calling his daughter a pig and Redeeming himself on a funny television show. Now his stupider brother Stephen is threatening to leave America one Baldwin poorer if Barack Obama gets elected. MORE »

Hey Canada, what’s up? Oh, you like that Barack Obama? Yeah, it figures, being as you’re kind of quasi-Europeans. Except for Alberta, we guess. And probably the “Northwest Territories,” where the Snow King lives. Oh, you really like Barack Obama? You want him to be president of your own … uh, whatever it is, commonwealth or something? Looks like you people love Our Barry more than any of your own lame leaders. And it looks like you don’t love John McCain at all, with just 3% of you naming Ol’ Walnuts as the politician you admire. [CTV.CA]

Reporters were devastated this morning to find their best friend, John McCain, wearing two band-aids on the top of his head. Was he having some of his trademark cancer again? Worse! When he was in Canada, some shift-eyed car attacked him: “I was getting out of the car in Canada and I hit the roof a tiny bit, and the car was much smaller than the one I’m usually being ferried around in by the beloved Secret Service.” See, this is why *Americans* drive SUVs. That little extra gas money is a fair price, since they offer such foolproof protection from hitting your head against the roof so badly that it bleeds. [CNN]

In Canada, they have a form of government that involves things called “legislative assemblies” or something, and a member of the Saskatchewan Legislative Assembly resigned as a secretary to the Premier after he called a fellow lawmaker a “dumb bitch.” Basically, a remark that Nancy Pelosi hears a dozen times a day before breakfast made these poor polite Canadians go into palpitations and resign all over the place. MORE »

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Hey look, that mumbly blonde from the Woody Allen movies was only engaged to Barack Obama for a few months before throwing him over for, uh, that guy from The Notebook. No wait that is Ryan Gosling. Anyhow, we hope this latest engagement may reach a merciful, swift conclusion so that Ms. Johansson can get back to the very important work of fucking Benicio Del Toro in elevators. [People]

The Canadians. People are always telling it to the Canadians. Here’s what Rep. Emmanuel Cleaver of Kansas City — a Hillary sup(porter)(erdelegate) — told Canadian Public Radio: “If I had to make a prediction right now, I’d say Barack Obama is going to be the next president… I will be stunned if he’s not the next president of the United States.” And then he says that he still supports Hillary, the famous loser. [Ben Smith]

Ha ha, remember how Hillary Clinton said that Barack Obama’s people shouldn’t go privately blabbing to the Canadian government about how they didn’t really want to renegotiate NAFTA? It turns out that Clinton’s campaign may have been guilty of the same RANK BACK-DOOR HYPOCRISY AND SHENANIGANS that the American people are so sick of they will vote for John McCain, who got all that out of his system in the 80s. MORE »

Americans! You’re no doubt mourning the end of Fred Thompson’s “lazy like a lazy, lazy fox” strategy, which was supposed to provide our hottest First Lady since Frances Cleveland! We’re going to have to console ourselves with the sexy (male) spouses of those weird, unpronounceable people the Foreigns chose to lead their Foreign nations. MORE »

Jealous of all the attention the U.S. and UK are getting for their magnificent data security breaches, Canada stepped up its own efforts to join in with the other cool kids. Naturally, their screw-up was less than spectacular, to say the least.

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