Once upon a time Bill Clinton was a hot young maverick with an endearing taste for french fries and plump ladies, while George W. Bush charmed the world with his cockulicious flight-suit costumes and unquenchable thirst for near-beer. But now, compared to our elegant new president (Dr. Spock), these two guys just look like washed-up old losers who can’t even sell out a crowd in Canada. We haven’t seen this precipitous a decline among members of the Washington elite since Butterstick hit the crack pipe. MORE »

JESUS CHRIST, CANADA. Wonkette Loonie operative “David” writes that where he lives, in Canada, “The Representative of Her Majesty the Queen has raised the profile of the Monarchy in Canada by grabbing the beating heart out of a baby seal and eating live on camera.” It’s true, she really does — it’s in the newspapers! MORE »

Everyone’s talking about Dick Cheney this, Dick Cheney that… well we have a foto, from operative “Norbert,” of the former Vice President giving what eyewitnesses are calling “a speech in Brampton, Canada” this morning. Just pathetic what this man has become.

Just when you thought DC didn’t need another highly addictive, supposedly healthy frozen yogurt shop, Yogen Fruz went and opened a store on 14 and I, NW. Despite being, what, the fourth fro-yo (it’s what the cool kids call it) place to open in town in the last year or so, Yogen Fruz holds its own and actually adds some variety to the “eat all you want — this shit’s soooo healthy it will make you grow a third arm” phenomenon that is sweeping the District. MORE »

WE ARE FAMOUS IN CANADA! The Canadian Press, which we are informed by a northerly tipster is “like the AP, only colder, and a little less exciting,” mentions your Wonkette as one of the American publications that poked “good-natured fun … at the breathless nature of Canada’s coverage of Obama’s visit.” Soon Wonkette will be more famous than Raymi and Matthew Good combined. [Canadian Press]

CUTE CANADIAN LIVEBLOG OF HISTORIC OBAMA VISIT: Get the blow-by-blow of the most exciting thing to ever happen in Canada in the the history of history. Sample: “10:34:43 AM Why is the president not wearing his hat? Or *a* hat, at least?” [Macleans.ca]

Faithful commenter “Norbert” sends us this touching image from Canuckistan. President Obama will be visiting in a few days, and the Canadians are quite excited! “Here is a kind of lousy photo of a great restaurant window in my hood in Toronto (a city here in Canada),” our commenter instructs us. “Maybe he will like the painting better than the mixtape.” Hmm, maybe! Wherever they go, Americans love to be greeted with portraits of Marky-Mark and the White House social secretary.

Oh jesus this is the cutest thing in the world. Our hairy-legged neighbors to the north are putting together a collection of songs for Barack Obama as a way of saying, “Would you like to come over and we can watch movies in my basement?” This thoughtful gift shall represent the very essence of Canada, distilled into 49 beautiful songs about being polite, speaking passable French, and having depressoid sex under a pile of blankets 10 months of every year. In other words, it will be 49 songs by Rush. But which 49? You are urged to pick your “favourite” ones here. [CBC Radio]

Many have asked Wonkette to chime in on the insane constitutional crisis embroiling Canada’s idiot government these days, which is shocking, because well-to-do white nerd countries had supposedly given up on such uncouth measures as overthrowing the state. Slate’s posted a thorough summary of the whole thing; and if you’d like an “authentic” Canadian newspaper article about it… well crap, what’s the name of any Canadian newspaper… Toronto must have one… ah, here. Our briefest of recaps is below. MORE »

Sarah Palin’s speech was so nasty that she started shooting Canadian troops. Why would she do that? [Extreme Mortman]

A while back our boyfriend Alec Baldwin said he would go to Canada if George W. Bush was elected, but he ended up staying in country and calling his daughter a pig and Redeeming himself on a funny television show. Now his stupider brother Stephen is threatening to leave America one Baldwin poorer if Barack Obama gets elected. MORE »