John Walnuts! McCain knows that if you really want to impress today’s jaded youth, it’s best to call them names and threaten to send them off to Iraq: MORE »

John Warner is set to announce his retirement from the Senate in a minute or two (and probably will have announced it by the time we get this post up), setting up a total free-for-all in Virginia, where it was basically a given that he would continue being their Senator until the end of time. But one day someone noticed that John wasn’t actually raising any reelection money or setting up a campaign, and now Republicans are going to desperately try to hold on to a seat that, a couple years ago, woulda been a total given. Let’s take a look at some of the likely candidates: MORE »

Hollywood Fred Thompson, the hideous old man whom Americans have seen on TV and therefore will surely vote for, is going to stop not-not-running for president and start running for president, according to the Post. He will announce his candidacy at 4 p.m. today, via conference call. That’s right, the grand announcement is happening on a conference call, because apparently an Instant Messenger Away Status Update was considered “too flashy.” MORE »

Honestly, we’re shocked he’s not leading with weather porn. But this hurricane is only hurting Mexican potential future illegal immigrants, and his love of an imaginary catfight trumps even the heaviest of rain storms. MORE »

Fred Thompson isn’t officially running for president, but he is acting exactly like everyone who is running for president (not raising enough money, firing staffers left and right, dooming his party). Except he can’t run ads yet on the teevee or in “newspapers” so all he can do is be on Fox all the time and also run a website where he fights with Michael Moore and other people whose comical girth negates any insight they may claim to have. MORE »

Mitt Romney won the Iowa Straw Poll everyone! And that means even less this year than it does most other years! According to the Post (who got their number from an unnamed campaign), Romney spent $817 on each vote he received this weekend. Romney committed not just money, but also manpower: “On Saturday, Team Romney counted more than 90 family members in the state.” Exactly where they should be for the good of the country! MORE »

That Newt Gingrich, always with the contrariness! The other day he unleashed a blistering attack on the way American campaigns are run, calling it “stunningly dangerous”, saying that the current endless round of debates that involve seventeen people giving thirty-second sound-bites “aren’t debates” and are “almost unendurable.” He also says that expecting someone to not change opinions based on new knowledge or developments (aka “flip-flopping”) during a two-year campaign is ludicrous and counterproductive. This, combined with his telling a bunch of Young Republicans, while they were on a break from forcibly fellating one another, that the War on Terror was phony, might lead you to believe that Newt has some good ideas! MORE »

Yes, this is a ten-minute video of Mitt Romney arguing about Mormonism. The YouTube headline is “Mitt Romney Melts Down/Implodes Over Mormonism Questions #2,” but they are apparently using a different definition of “Melts Down” and “Implodes” than we usually do. Because this seems to be a slightly testy but ultimately sincere argument about faith — in other words, one of the most boring things imaginable.

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• My Other Car is The Straight Talk Express (which is a car now, because they cannot afford the bus)

• The Angel Moroni is my copilot.
• America must end its dependence on foreign gas, grass, and ass.
• “Well-behaved women seldom marry Rudy Giulaini.”
• If this van’s Baracking, withdraw from Iraq(ing)
• Honk if You Regret Your Vote Authorizing the War
• If you can read this, Tom Tancredo might not deport you.
• Ask me about Ron Paul, the North American Union, “the security and prosperity project,” and/or the secretive “American currency union.” Actually, just talk to me, please, I am desperately lonely.

Hey everybody, remember Ken Starr? He was the dour little lawyer who spent about a billion dollars of your money so we could know what color GAP dress Bill Clinton spooged on. Today we learn that Starr’s Chicago law firm is also obsessed with a Clinton, but this time it’s Hillary. MORE »

BREAKING: HuffPo breaks a breaking story: Mitt Romney may be paying people to walk around Iowa canvassing for him. Back in the bad old days of corrupt machine politics and ward-heelers and party bosses and other quaint terms, Democrats used to bribe immigrants and poor people into voting for them. Republicans hated this because their supporters were all in the suburbs, where it’s much harder to walk around entire precincts. MORE »