Tag Archives: campaigns

  What's the third one there?

Veep Recap: Oops…

Dan’s back, Amy’s in charge, and enemies become frenemies on this week’s triumphant return of “Veep.” After a weeklong hiatus thanks to stupid Memorial Day, we’re dropped into Team Veep’s war room ahead of a primary debate. This will be Selina’s first chance to cement her frontrunner status in this race, and her coterie of advisors is strategizin’ and game-plannin’ just as hard as they can. Read more on Veep Recap: Oops……
  talk is cheap and speech is free

Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie

You solved the problem of lying in politics when you were like six years old. “Just pass a law against telling lies!” dumb little like-six-year-old you said, adorably. But it wasn’t that easy. “No, little you,” said a wise adult. “We have free speech in this country, which means that you can’t stop people from saying things even if they’re not true.” Then maybe the wise adult went on to explain that that’s not entirely true, that sometimes a lie actually can be illegal, in which case it’s called “libel” or “slander” depending on something, you were well beyond listening by then and already had a dozen Legos up your nose as you daydreamed about tort reform. Well, it turns out that little you was onto something after all. In the coming months, the Supreme Court will hear Susan B. Anthony List v. Dreihaus, in which the anti-abortion group Susan B. Anthony List is suing for its right to sue to put up a big billboard that says “SHAME ON STEVE DREIHAUS! Dreihaus voted FOR taxpayer-funded abortion.” Steve Dreihaus did no such thing, which means this billboard is A Lie and is therefore illegal under Ohio’s awesome False Statements Law. But but but free speech! But but… abortions! Buuuut DEMOCRATS! Read more on Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie…
  i said nothing when they came for the axelrod

Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews

Mitt Romney stated things during the debate last week that were often in direct contravention of both reality and things he had previously stated. If you’re wondering why I don’t use the L-word (“liar,” not “lesbian”), it’s because, as Daniel Henninger states at the Wall Street Journal today, “liar” is the linguistic harbinger of fascism. “Liar” is a potent and ugly word with a sleazy political pedigree. But “liar” is not being deployed only by party attack dogs or the Daily Kos comment queue. Mitt Romney is being called a “liar” by officials at the top of the Obama re-election campaign. That’s shameful! What are they doing? Politics isn’t beanbag, but politicians past had all sorts of devices to say or suggest an opponent was playing fast and loose with the truth. This week’s Obama TV ad, “How Can We Trust Mitt Romney?” would have been perfectly legit absent the Plouffe “liar” prepping. So, the problem isn’t saying that someone is an untruthful, anti-American piece of festering shit, just don’t call them a liar. But why? Read more on Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews…
  insult comedy

Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible

Soooo, we’re all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to … how the French say … shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad — so terrible — that we talked to more than one New Yorker who mistily evinced a longing for the dignified reign of George W. Bush. But surely, 49 days out, there is something Miffed Romney can do to fix it? Never give up! Never surrender! Sure. Sure there is. (Though the seemingly easiest one, “Stop insulting people,” is obviously impossible and has therefore been removed from consideration.) Herewith, in the spirit of The Week (“Get more specific,” “Fire up the zzzzzz”) we offer five of them. 1. Have a buxom blonde lady (administrative assistant, private jet stewardess) say you stuck your hand up her skirt. But have her say you were super foxy and sexy about it and she totally succumbed. Twenty point bump among white men, for having a penis! And possibly white women, who would like to see a comeuppance for that cunty Ann, whom absolutely nobody likes. Read more on Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible…
  congratulations on your blessed day

Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead

President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to do anything, except maybe buy a Hawaiian island!!!!!! Isn’t it strange that we have to pay people to prepare themselves to run the country for a relatively short time? Anyway, Obama is now suggesting that if you have a wedding, birth, or anniversary, or any old excuse for wanting your friends and family to pool together their unemployment and social security checks and buy you shit, instead of asking for Le Creuset pots and diapers and wine, why don’t you just give the money to Barack Obama instead? Read more on Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead…
  rumors on the internets

Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!

This Thursday, Mitt Romney’s unlikable, Bill Clinton’s talking some awkward talk, and Barack Obama is making money. This is news? Unlike Bill Clinton, Mitt Romney is a terrible neighbor. Somehow he is gentrifying his already rich neighborhood and alienating his gay neighbors. He clearly needs to throw a huge, weird party with celebrities and funny people and fun drugs, like truffle oil! So basically, the presidential campaign equivalent of a White House Correspondents’ Dinner. [The New York Times] Read more on Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your couch long enough, you will just spontaneously drop dead. Of course, this is the sort of thing our First Lady Michelle Obama has been trying to prevent from happening, through her dance-a-thons and grocery superstores that apparently aren’t getting built. But the obesity epidemic continues, and the kids just keep getting fatter, no matter how many celebrity endorsements the Let’s Move! campaign receives. “But that isn’t enough, say public health leaders frustrated with the slow progress in stemming America’s obesity epidemic. Something more ambitious is needed, they argue — something more like the anti-tobacco movement.” Cue the terrifying obesity PSAs! Read more on Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in the ongoing Battle of the Sexes (like the radio show/board game, except the prize is an unwanted pregnancy) our Michelle has been hitting every circuit, from late night comedy to mid-morning children’s to late afternoon tween. But since this is an election year, it is important, according to this article, to ask ourselves, “Was Michelle Obama being sincere with those muppets on Sesame Street, or just trying to get their votes?” Read more on Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement…
  meh

Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden

With liberal amounts of Paris Hilton SexTape Night Vision, slo-mo closeups of the same three War Room pictures we have seen four million times, and a voiceover that specifically lauds President Obama’s bravery in flying to Pakistan and karate-chopping Osama Bin Laden in the face, the trailer for a new documentary on Obama’s first term succeeds in making him out to be as narcissistic and credit-hogging as the right has ever claimed. Heckuva job, Academy Award-winning director Davis Guggenheim! How could we make it better? Find out after the jump! Read more on Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden…
  comedians are corporations are people too

Stephen Colbert Is ‘Exploring’ Running for President

Stephen Colbert announced on Thursday night’s show that yessireebob, he is running for president! Again! That is to say, to bow to tradition, he’s exploring running for president, and spent basically the entire show minus the interview segment learning from his lawyer (and former Federal Election Commission chairman) Trevor Potter about the very uncomplicated exploratory process and how he might hand over control of his super PAC — which, by the way, is both the second and third results for “super pac” on Google — to someone else. That someone else being his close personal friend and “business partner” Jon Stewart. Ah, so that’s how both experienced ex-robbers and windbags from congressional obscurity get to be presidential candidates that people truly vote for and sometimes nurture into actual presidents. Read more on Stephen Colbert Is ‘Exploring’ Running for President…
  worthless crap

Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests

Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater Vests Seen As Comfortable”), and one young, happening social-media savvy piece of fresh meat on his campaign team has responded by allowing you to own one of “his” armpit-aerating sartorial staples, a necessity for anyone with anger management issues, because anger causes sweat, for just $100. Read more on Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests…
  avoid the noid

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a cigarette while making masturbation faces. Is the whole thing a stunt meant to sow confusion and insanity because modern life is a meaningless series of spectacles meant to jarringly punctuate the many daily transitions of the helpless worker into a fraudulently empowered consumer? Perhaps. But in the America of 2011, the self-proclaimed political leaders like Cain (who has never even held political office) are as confused by their motives as those compelled to watch these audio-visual abortions on the nation’s billions of computer screens. In other words, Herman Cain was asked if his idiotic web video was meant to promote death from smoking, and Herman Cain said no, of course not, because smoking cigarettes “is not a cool thing to do.” Read more on Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’…
  sarah palin & her love of money

Sarah Palin Resurrects Bus Tour For Fried Butter, Other Surprises

Oh hooray, it’s Snowbilly Grifter Grandma and her bus tour, rolling across the ruins of the American Dream once more. What was this bus tour called, again? The Trail of Tears? Probably something like that, and we were close to believing that Sarah Palin had really decided to snowshoe her way back to the wilderness and forget about the whole thing, to bask in the glory of her family’s endless procreation. Really, though, she was just “reloading” before her big drive back to Iowa, where maybe she will give another speech or interview about how she is not running for President. She is doing this down the street from the Ames straw poll, because when Sarah Palin does not get invited to terrible parties, she holds her own even more terrible parties just down the street, except with more Freedom and screeching. Read more on Sarah Palin Resurrects Bus Tour For Fried Butter, Other Surprises…
  space bums

Nice Spaceman Running For Senate From Washington State; Will End Minimum Wage & Colonize Space

You know things are horrible in American Politics when a guy campaigning for U.S. Senate on a platform of free trade/space colonization and ending the minimum age so bums can work as low-paid “government helpers” sounds more reasonable than actual senators currently in positions of great power. Read more on Nice Spaceman Running For Senate From Washington State; Will End Minimum Wage & Colonize Space…
  sad stories of failure

The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the opposite of what Tim Pawlenty has achieved. Secondly, Tim Pawlenty’s attempt to ruin everyone’s memory of the “Miracle on Ice” hockey game turned out to be illegal, yay. Read more on The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty…