campaigns
Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible
Soooo, we’re all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to … how the French say … shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad — so terrible — that we talked to more than one New Yorker who mistily evinced a longing for the dignified reign of George W. [...]
Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead
President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to do anything, except maybe buy a Hawaiian island!!!!!! Isn’t it strange that we have to pay [...]
Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!
This Thursday, Mitt Romney’s unlikable, Bill Clinton’s talking some awkward talk, and Barack Obama is making money. This is news? Unlike Bill Clinton, Mitt Romney is a terrible neighbor. Somehow he is gentrifying his already rich neighborhood and alienating his gay neighbors. He clearly needs to throw a huge, weird party with celebrities and funny [...]
Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter
Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your [...]
Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement
We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in [...]
Stephen Colbert Is ‘Exploring’ Running for President
Stephen Colbert announced on Thursday night’s show that yessireebob, he is running for president! Again! That is to say, to bow to tradition, he’s exploring running for president, and spent basically the entire show minus the interview segment learning from his lawyer (and former Federal Election Commission chairman) Trevor Potter about the very uncomplicated exploratory [...]
Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests
Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum’s official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received the coveted honor of being called a Trend by the New York Times (“For Santorum, Sweater [...]
Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’
Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a “web commercial” that shows a dirty old man saying weird things about Herman Cain and then melodramatically smoking a [...]
Herman Cain Releases Terrifying ‘Smoking Man’ Campaign Spot, To Hurt America
What in the living hell? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? Who is this ominous creep smoking into our faces as he strangles our children? Why won’t Herman Cain do his own “dirty work”? [YouTube, ugh, via Wonkette operative "Benjamin G."]
Sarah Palin Resurrects Bus Tour For Fried Butter, Other Surprises
Oh hooray, it’s Snowbilly Grifter Grandma and her bus tour, rolling across the ruins of the American Dream once more. What was this bus tour called, again? The Trail of Tears? Probably something like that, and we were close to believing that Sarah Palin had really decided to snowshoe her way back to the wilderness [...]
Nice Spaceman Running For Senate From Washington State; Will End Minimum Wage & Colonize Space
You know things are horrible in American Politics when a guy campaigning for U.S. Senate on a platform of free trade/space colonization and ending the minimum age so bums can work as low-paid “government helpers” sounds more reasonable than actual senators currently in positions of great power. Courtesy of Wonkette commenter/operative AnnieGetYerFun, here’s some of [...]
Mittens Is In: Romney Officially Declares, Finally
Capping off perhaps the most exciting pre-campaign campaign since fictional candidate Tim Pawlenty’s campaign was accidentally announced on a website on a Sunday night, Mitt Romney today announced he was really doing that thing he has been doing non-stop since approximately 1996: running for president. The health-reform Mormon returned to his roots in liberal Massachusetts [...]
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