Tag: campaigns

Veep Recap: Oops…

Dan's back, Amy's in charge, and enemies become frenemies on this week's triumphant return of "Veep." After a weeklong hiatus thanks to stupid Memorial Day, we're dropped into Team Veep's war room ahead of a primary debate. This will...

Supreme Court Will Totally Decide Lying Anti-Abortion Group Has Constitutional Right To Lie

You solved the problem of lying in politics when you were like six years old. “Just pass a law against telling lies!” dumb little like-six-year-old you said, adorably. But it wasn’t that easy. “No, little you,” said a wise...

Wall Street Journal: To Use The Word ‘Liar Is To Kill Six Million Jews

Mitt Romney stated things during the debate last week that were often in direct contravention of both reality and things he had previously stated. If you're wondering why I don't use the L-word ("liar," not "lesbian"), it's because, as...

Five Ways Mitt Romney Could ‘Save’ History’s Worst-Ever Campaign If That Were At All Possible

Soooo, we're all agreed that Miffed Romney has, is currently, and will continue to ... how the French say ... shit the bed? Oui. His campaign has been so bad -- so terrible -- that we talked to more...

Barack Obama Would Like Anyone With A Gift Registry To Just Give To Him Instead

President Obama, that is his name, has come up with a brilliant new way to try to beat his opponent Mitt Romney at money-making, despite the fact that they seem to have more money than anyone would need to...

Get Ready To Get Down At Some Gay Weddings At Mitt Romney’s House!

This Thursday, Mitt Romney's unlikable, Bill Clinton's talking some awkward talk, and Barack Obama is making money. This is news? Unlike Bill Clinton, Mitt Romney is a terrible neighbor. Somehow he is gentrifying his already rich neighborhood and alienating his...

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, "being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while...

Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama's television escapades - most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert - and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now...

Obama Re-Reminds Nation He Totally Singlehandedly Murdered Bin Laden

With liberal amounts of Paris Hilton SexTape Night Vision, slo-mo closeups of the same three War Room pictures we have seen four million times, and a voiceover that specifically lauds President Obama's bravery in flying to Pakistan and karate-chopping...

Stephen Colbert Is ‘Exploring’ Running for President

Stephen Colbert announced on Thursday night's show that yessireebob, he is running for president! Again! That is to say, to bow to tradition, he's exploring running for president, and spent basically the entire show minus the interview segment learning...

Rick Santorum Campaign Now Selling Sweater Vests

Pictured is this bossy new page in the merch section of Rick Santorum's official website. Yes, our dreams have come true. Rick Santorum has read all the Google alerts about his sweater vests, he sees that he has received...

Least Cool Person In America, Herman Cain, Decides Smoking ‘Is Not Cool’

Herman Cain is a pumpkin-headed creepy narcissist businessman who likes to repeat single-digit numbers and say stupid things. For reasons he cannot begin to explain, this Washington lobbyist and shit-food merchant allowed the release of a "web commercial" that...

Herman Cain Releases Terrifying ‘Smoking Man’ Campaign Spot, To Hurt America

What in the living hell? WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE? Who is this ominous creep smoking into our faces as he strangles our children? Why won't Herman Cain do his own "dirty work"?

Sarah Palin Resurrects Bus Tour For Fried Butter, Other Surprises

Oh hooray, it's Snowbilly Grifter Grandma and her bus tour, rolling across the ruins of the American Dream once more. What was this bus tour called, again? The Trail of Tears? Probably something like that, and we were close...

Nice Spaceman Running For Senate From Washington State; Will End Minimum Wage & Colonize Space

You know things are horrible in American Politics when a guy campaigning for U.S. Senate on a platform of free trade/space colonization and ending the minimum age so bums can work as low-paid "government helpers" sounds more reasonable than...

The 1980 Winter Olympics Hate Tim Pawlenty

Tim “Who Cares?” Pawlenty is in trouble now, because his hopeless campaign couldn’t even make a lousy commercial the right way. This campaign ad he made, “The American Comeback,” is funny because first of all, a “comeback” is the...