The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read]

Barack Obama’s campaign has more employees than a small nation and a larger budget than France. If you took every Obama staffer and laid them end to end, they would wrap around the earth and blot out the sun. The Obama campaign is such a massive operation that it will take seventeen times the GNP simply to keep it afloat, and if any more people start to work for Obama in any particular state, that state will sink into the earth’s crust simply from the accumulated weight of so many workers. This is why Barack Obama has to raise $300 million post haste. MORE »

Just a few months ago, Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey were such great friends that rumors flew about their torrid lesbian affair. But now that Barack needs Oprah to reel in the votes of bitter Indiana housewives, Oprah’s suddenly so busy that, according to one media analyst, “it might be easier to rearrange George Bush’s schedule than Oprah Winfrey’s schedule.” Is Oprah really busier than America’s laziest president, or are more sinister forces at play? MORE »

As promised, Barack Obama singlehandedly defeated a squadron of Fox News anchors at a game of pickup basketball and then he healed the lepers by touching them and sat down for a little chat with Chris Wallace on Sunday. The conversation was all very civilized until Wallace asked about his Muslim flag pin, which was given to him by the Weathermen back when they were Vietnam medics. Ha ha we kid! Even then President Cool maintained his legendary sangfroid. Selected Q&As after the jump. MORE »

Because the camera is racist, it loves our slender and dignified Senator from Illinois — so it’s a rare treat to find a photo of him looking a little rough around the edges, like an Ordinary American. Here’s Barack Obama coming off the third shift at the lace mill in Scranton, where he shared a bong with Hillary Clinton’s grandfather. [AP Photo]

Here is your Barack Obama in the second, less boring part of his Daily Show appearance last night. The part at the end where he says “I’m calling to find out if you’re happy with your cell phone service” in stentorian, inspiring tones will have all you Obama nuts screaming Yes yes I love Verizon while the rest of us wonder if we’ve been been had by old Hopey. MORE »

Having just discovered the pagan culinary invention called “cheese fries,” the intrepid New York Times has now determined that Democrats drink organic milk while Republicans dine on Frankencorn and bile. But none of this matters, because such frivolous polls and research cannot truly predict people’s voting habits! Nonetheless, let’s venture into America’s pantries and try to determine our political leanings by seeing what’s in the cookie jar. MORE »

You know who’s happy about Mark Penn finally quitting/getting fired from the Clinton campaign? Everyone except Barack Obama, who considered Penn his ace in the hole for winning this whole endless election. But now that we won’t have that old unctuous creep to kick around anymore, let’s see what the rest of the Internetosphere is saying about the Numbers Swami Who Fell To Earth. MORE »

Once upon a time, a brilliant young Yale Law graduate stood poised to bring new vigor, hope, and innovation to American politics — but 35 years of experience have compacted this idealistic upstart into a bejowled diamond of Hate. Want proof? As recently as 1992, Hillary Clinton was exchanging suspiciously human-sounding pleasantries with homeless people! MORE »

Republican Mike Huckabee might try to pass himself off as the conservative Christian alternative to John McCain, but he and his wife showed their true, kinky colors in front of a horrified audience at the Fort Worth Stockyards on Friday. MORE »

Ruh roh, did someone say something bad about Hillary Clinton on this site? That’s not what the Journalistic Reporters should be doing at all! We must have been in a grumpy mood, or something, and now an e-mailing monster is calling us out: “YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT HILLARY IS ALIVE AND WELL.” What else can we bet our bottom dollar on, and does it require a sub-prime mortgage? MORE »