How many times has John McCain told this awful joke about sleeping like a baby? (He goes to sleep for two hours and wakes up crying, wokka wokka.) Answer: ONE MILLION TIMES. But now that he is not threatening to run our country, he does not seem so terrible! He is a pleasant, sassy older gentleman, the distant relative you like sitting next to at Thanksgiving dinner, until he has one too many glasses of sherry and starts telling you about the hot Jewess he dated back in Casablanca, during the war. [The Tonight Show]

All the pansies had an absolute tizzy when Barack “Osama” Obama hired homo-hatin’ singer Donnie McClurkin for his upcoming “Embrace the Change” gospel extravaganza. That puts Barry in an uncomfortable position because he needs the hairdresser vote, but if he fires McClurkin, he’s obviously a fag and will burn in Hell for all eternity. What’s a tightrope-walking panderer to do? Why, hire a gay minister for the show, that’s what! That worries me, though: how much more ideological teeter-tottering can this event handle? I imagine the following contradictory staff additions and revelations are forthcoming:

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The New York Times has a delightful round-up of all the godawful campaign merchandise offered by all the leading presidential candidates… and Ron Paul, too! Soon all the kids will be wearing McCain hoodies, Obama baby-doll tees and Giuliani baseball jerseys. Our favorites by far are the extensive wares offered by Mike Huckabee’s shop, a dizzying array of merchandise featuring superb graphics meant to appeal to his followers’ lack of grammar skills (”a.Huck.i.be”) and love of flop existential Hollywood comedies (”I [Heart] Huckabee”). MORE »