Tag Archives: campaign

  Still Better With Kids Than Cheney. The Screams Haunt Us To This Day

Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person

This is not the disco inferno we were looking for
Watch out, Wonkers, it may very well be Ted Cruz day at Yr Wonkette. No, come back! We’ll have kittens later, maybe. Old Bile and Backpfeifengesicht was doing a Town Hall thing in New Hampshire Sunday when he used a metaphor that was just a little scary to a small girl in the audience. We’re talking little child, being held by her mom. Read more on Ted Cruz Now Terrifying Small Children In Person…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reaches Out To ‘Bitter Clingers And Wingers’

It’s October, and in just a couple weeks, a depressingly small percentage of Americans will vote for a new Congress. Sarah Palin’s out on the campaign trail, makin’ darned sure that the whitest and rightest midterm voters pull the lever for the Republican Party’s vision of a plutocratic, latter-day know-nothing non-government. Sure, she might be stumping for two candidates who are in serious trouble, but that’s why she quit governoring Alaska, so she could serve as the cavalry in pivotal moments like this one. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Reaches Out To ‘Bitter Clingers And Wingers’…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
This week’s edition of The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker, is intelligible only if you speak election-year argle-bargle at a 12th-grade level or higher. Palin’s most recent piece of content is completely incoherent, and yes, we know, everything she says is incoherent, ha ha ha. But we’re serious here — she’s not even trying to connect these talking points, and worse, she’s not finishing her punches either. She starts with ISIS and then stumbles into talking about downward pressure on wages from illegal immigration, and then it just … sort of … peters out … Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah’s Getting Pretty Tired Of This Internet ‘Job’…
  Yahooooooo

Veep Recap: Lousy Smarch Weather

Oh dear, your Veep recap seems to be a little low. Here, let us fix that. WHELP, Selina went to Silicon Valley this week, which is also where another HBO show is set, the show right before this one! No we have not watched yet, but we have heard good things. Mike Judge, y’know? The man knows from funny. Read more on Veep Recap: Lousy Smarch Weather…
  ice cream socialist

Please Oh Please Run For President, Bernie Sanders

Earlier this month, Bernie Sanders told The Nation’s John Nichols that he is “prepared to run for President of the United States,” and now we are treated to a reminder of how awesome that would be every time we read a new “who besides Hillary” item. It is like an It Gets Better Project for socialists. It doesn’t matter at all that Bernie Sanders has little chance of becoming president. A serious Sanders run would act as a year-long opinion poll: “Should Democrats advocate for policies that will make the country better even if some people who run large financial institutions don’t like these policies?” If Sanders can push Hillary even half as far left as Santorum/Gingrich/Cain/Bachmann/Perry/FOX pushed Romney to the right, we might actually be able to vote for her in the general without risking injury to our mortal souls. Read more on Please Oh Please Run For President, Bernie Sanders…
  kentucky wildcatfight

Mitch McConnell Hearts Gays, Except He Doesn’t Because He Sucks At Life

We all know that every problem in America can be blamed on the liberals, with our absolute belief that man-on-dog-on-snowman sex should be taught as Biblically sanctioned in second grade classrooms. Let’s just face facts — we liberals love us some LGBTQs, and we have no bigger champion in our fold than Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Wait, what? Per The Hill: Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is taking fire from the Senate Conservatives Fund, which has endorsed his primary challenger Matt Bevin, for his support for a Kentucky judge that recently ruled the state must recognize same-sex marriages. Welcome to the right side of history, Mitch! Your arranged marriage to a folding chair is scheduled for later this week. Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Mitch McConnell Hearts Gays, Except He Doesn’t Because He Sucks At Life…
  today in the arts

Here Are Your Victoria Jackson Campaign Posters, You Liberal Commie Monsters

We asked you to help Wonkette frenemy Victoria Jackson with her inspiring run for alderthingie of her hometown in Tennessee (not Florida, stupid internet), and you came through! Our winning entry is from Gleem McShineys, and it is titled “V-Jack’s Secretz Revealed.” We were taken by the technical proficiency, as well as the metaphorical eloquence of Ms. Jackson being an empty husk being piloted by a stuffed cat — a veritable Ouroboros of puppetry. We suppose that in a technical sense, since it lacks any words like “vote” or “alderman” or “Victoria Jackson 2014″ it may not actually count as a “campaign poster,” but then, maybe Gleem’s intent was to move beyond those shallow outward trappings and force voters to contemplate the inner workings of America’s political machinery. Discuss amongst yourselves. Read more on Here Are Your Victoria Jackson Campaign Posters, You Liberal Commie Monsters…
  stop dragging gender into this already

Mitch McConnell Opposed Violence Against Women Before He Was For It

Senator Mitch McConnell’s reelection campaign is trying the old “Sure, I care about ladies and their dumb concerns” strategy, even if it has to fib shade the truth just a little bit: A press packet that McConnell’s spokeswoman distributed to reporters at a Friday event titled “Women For Team Mitch” features testimonials from Kentucky women. One of them caught the eye of Joe Sonka, a reporter for the Louisville-based LEO Weekly, who posted it on Twitter. The quote, attributed to a woman named Angela Leet in Jefferson County, read, “Mitch was the co-sponsor of the original Violence Against Women Act — and continues to advocate for stronger policies to protect women. I am proud to call him my senator.” And it’s all true, except that it leaves out the part where he actually voted against VAWA over and over and over again. Read more on Mitch McConnell Opposed Violence Against Women Before He Was For It…
  mitt's time

Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires

Mitt Romney is SO VERY SAD, you guys. All he wanted was to be President. That’s it. He had a dream, just a simple dream, and You People crushed it. So now he spends his days alone, shuffling around in his $1000 bathrobes, talking to secret service personnel that aren’t there. And Ann! This has been ESPECIALLY hard on Ann, who is Above all of this. Are we bad people because we are kind of happy to learn that Ann Romney spends her days “crying softly,” trying desperately to adjust to a life filled with mansions and Austrian warmbloods instead of political events and secret service motorcades? By all accounts, the past month has been most difficult on Romney’s wife, Ann, who friends said believed up until the end that ascending to the White House was their destiny. They said she has been crying in private and trying to get back to riding her horses. Read more on Ann And Mitt Romney Adjust To Sad Lonely Life Of Regular Old Centi-Millionaires…
  #winning

Romney Campaign Has Sad

The Romney campaign is so sad, you guys! They know the whole campaign has been one bed-shitting after another, and that their candidate is worse than Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain and Christine O’Donnell combined, because of those three at least one (Christine O’Donnell) does not make it a habit to insult people to their faces. (Terrifying bridge troll Newton does, of course, but Smooth Herm only insults ladies, by grabbing their pudendae when they are asking for jobs.) So the campaign knows this, and now they are all at the “whining to reporters” stage, and the “cussing at reporters” stage (they were there long ago, of course), and the calling the campaign “a vulgar, unprintable phrase” stage. (“Dog-fuck,” probably.) Let us read more, our hearts filled with tea and sympathy! Read more on Romney Campaign Has Sad…
  don't have a cow

GOP: Barack Obama’s Command Over The Weather Means We Will Pay More For Cedar Cheese And Those Cakes We Like

Remember “Julia,” the main character in an Obama campaign website who goes through her childhood and adolescence suckling off the government teat before becoming a web designer and taking birth control pills? Well, now she is back, courtesy of a GOP Political Action Committee, and her grocery bill is TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL. This is because 1) she seems to be buying enough groceries to assemble an entire cow, from scratch and 2) because Obama is in charge of the weather AND the free market and has used his magical weather powers to cause this summer’s drought and the subsequent rise in food prices. But for the purposes of critical analysis, here is her shopping list. We are saddened to report that she is not planning on picking up any cedar cheese. Or those cakes we like. We’ll get over it though, with effort. Read more on GOP: Barack Obama’s Command Over The Weather Means We Will Pay More For Cedar Cheese And Those Cakes We Like…
  golden showers

Michigan Showers Mitt Romney With Almost $8 Million Worth of Speech In Single Day

What is not to like about Mitt Romney (R-Money)? What indeed! He has a dancing horse! He does not know what a donut is! He describes $374,000 in yearly income as “not very much”! His wife is a “woman whisperer” who translates the concerns of America’s female-bodied persons to his so very masculine ears! He likes giving DIY haircuts! His net worth hovers at around $250,000,000! So much to adore about Mitt Romney! And now, we are proud to announce that Romney has had his single best day of fundraising yet, raking in around 148 times more money speech in a single day than the median family of four earns in a single year! Read more on Michigan Showers Mitt Romney With Almost $8 Million Worth of Speech In Single Day…
  quantum leaps

John McCain Is Everywhere At The Same Time On Monday

The RNC bought John McCain a $150,000 traveling machine that will warp the time-space continuum and create wee worm holes for the action hero to use in his quest to visit all 50 states simultaneously on Monday. His schedule includes stops in Florida, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Indiana, New Mexico, Nevada, and Arizona. That will conclude the “feats of intergalactic stamina” portion of the presidential contest, and then it’s on to the “how many jars of Mother’s Mango Pickle can you consume before you vomit?” segment, in which Barack Obama is heavily favored. [First Read] Read more on John McCain Is Everywhere At The Same Time On Monday…
  our nation's largest employer

Obama Has A Massive Staff, Wokka Wokka

Barack Obama’s campaign has more employees than a small nation and a larger budget than France. If you took every Obama staffer and laid them end to end, they would wrap around the earth and blot out the sun. The Obama campaign is such a massive operation that it will take seventeen times the GNP simply to keep it afloat, and if any more people start to work for Obama in any particular state, that state will sink into the earth’s crust simply from the accumulated weight of so many workers. This is why Barack Obama has to raise $300 million post haste. Read more on Obama Has A Massive Staff, Wokka Wokka…