Tag Archives: california

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented By Fartknocker
Yr Wonket has been covering the Sarah Palin Channel for the better part of a year now, and we have never, ever seen Palin say something this breathtakingly stupid. Hyperbole? Perhaps. But take a gander at this stupid, and have the number of your nearest burn unit on hand, because this is just searingly dumb: Read more on The Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Knows Democrats Are Causing California’s Drought…
  Here have some news n stuff

Hero GOP Senator Will Save Tax Dollars From Dumb Things Like Chocolate

Republican Jeff Flake, the other jackass senator from Arizona, loves to Make A Point about how much of your tax dollars the government is wasting on dumb stuff that he, Jeff Flake, does not understand and therefore sees no reason to fund. Here’s the most recent installment in his weekly #PorkChops series: Read more on Hero GOP Senator Will Save Tax Dollars From Dumb Things Like Chocolate…
  yummy!

Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left

A little arsenic never killed anybody, oh wait it did?
  California has no water, basically, because of liberal lies like “climate change” and “a bad drought.” Or maybe there is no water because nature-worshippers stole all of it, to give it to fish. WHATEVER happened, there’s not much left, and now some liberal hippie environment lovers have filed a lawsuit to say “Hey, oil companies, could you stop literally shitting all your toxic waste into our water, of which we have none?” Read more on Lame California Hippies Don’t Want Industrial Waste In One Glass Of Water They Have Left…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!

Vacation plan: Clean apartment, finish reading that Twain biography. Vacation reality: Booze & MLP fanfic
Oh, Wonkers, we have some beautiful deletia for you this week! Looks to us like some people have really been working overtime in the Derp Mines to bring us this fine assortment of stupidity. For starters, we have this thought-provoking bit of turnabout from “John Smith” (Real name: “Bob Johnson”), who understands that Bobby Jindal just wants to protect Liberty from the homos. Just think about this — would you libs really be so hot on forcing Christians to provide services to gay people if it also meant that gay people would have to serve people with whom they have traditionally been at Culture War? Read more on Deleted Comments: This One’s About Vaccines And Vaginas!…
  What Does God Need With A Rain Gauge?

Wingnut Dennis Prager: Nature-Worshiping Pagans Stole California’s Water, Gave It To Fish

Stupid nymphs, takin' all our water!
Dennis Prager, the Family-Values radio talker who thinks children should go hungry because it builds character and that nudity is undermining American society, has more thoughts about Matters Spiritual and Material. Specifically, he has figured out why California has a “drought” — it has nothing to do with insufficient rain and snow, and is instead the result of nature-worshiping greenies. Like so many conspiracy theorists, they always end up blaming the Druids. Read more on Wingnut Dennis Prager: Nature-Worshiping Pagans Stole California’s Water, Gave It To Fish…
  Isn't that what sombreros are for?

California School Board Might Give The Mexican Children Air Conditioning Even Though They Are Mexican, Hooray!

Well yeah, it kinda is!
A lady on the school board in Martinez, California, name of Denise Elsken, made people very mad in March, by saying that this one elementary school, where the white kids go, needs all the A/C, and that this other school, where the Latino kids go, does not. Why? Because the brown kids are “more acclimated” to heat, because they are poor and Mexican, we guess. Here, specifically, is what she said: Read more on California School Board Might Give The Mexican Children Air Conditioning Even Though They Are Mexican, Hooray!…
  Just A Little Prick

Anti-Vaxxers Furious California Might Take Away Their Precious Measles

Oh what fun!
A California state senate committee has passed a bill to deprive anti-vaxxers the FREEDOM! to claim their sincerely held personal beliefs trump the rights of their fellow citizens to not catch the measles. As it currently stands, SB 277 does not include an exemption for religious beliefs, which is only fair when you consider how few churches include an exemption for smallpox-carrying parishioners. The bill’s co-sponsor, state Sen. Richard Pan, is a board-certified doctor, so of course he’s spouting the pro-vaccine lies that Big Pharma wants you to hear. Read more on Anti-Vaxxers Furious California Might Take Away Their Precious Measles…
  we are worried he's holding back

CA Lawyer Who Wants To Kill All Gays Gets Poor Review From Ex-Boss (And Everyone Else)

But how can you fork a guy you've never met?
Remember that wild and crazy guy, Matt McLaughlin, the secret agent lawyer guy who filed a California initiative called the Sodomite Suppression Act? In case you’ve smoked too many drugs lately and don’t recall, this is the initiative that calls for the expulsion and elimination of all California gay queer sodomites by various means, up to and including “bullets to the head,” or whatever else is handy. Did they actually track him down? No, of course not, he’s got no online presence and seems to be an invisible human. They found one of his old bosses, though, and wow, that boss does NOT have kind things to say. Let’s meet Bruce C. Bridgman, attorney at law, who briefly employed McLaughlin in 2002: Read more on CA Lawyer Who Wants To Kill All Gays Gets Poor Review From Ex-Boss (And Everyone Else)…
  A Modesto Proposal

Jerry Brown Won’t Let California Water Its Lawn, Just Because There’s No More Water

To think that MS Paint doesn't include a stencil font...
California Gov. Jerry Brown has signed a lawless executive order (they’re all lawless) imposing mandatory water restrictions on the oppressed people of the Golden State, which is pretty much what they asked for by being a bunch of Left Coast nanny staters. Read more on Jerry Brown Won’t Let California Water Its Lawn, Just Because There’s No More Water…
  Here have some news n stuff

Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks

Homer Simpson for Senate Majority Leader?
Being a member of Congress really is the sweetest gig. You can suck at your job, get nothing done at all, collect a six-figure salary plus great benefits, and then take a vacation, because hey, you just worked so hard at not getting anything done, you’ve earned that break. Again: Read more on Senate Can’t Find Time To Get Anything Done, Goes On Spring Break For Two Weeks…
  superior trolling

California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’

Don't let his cuteness fool you...this is one bigoted jackass.
A few weeks ago we reported on mysterious California lawyer Matthew McLaughlin and his use of the state’s ridiculous ballot proposition system as a vehicle to assuage his fear of a gay planet. McLaughlin had filed a proposition in favor of the fanciful notion that California should shoot in the head anyone who engages in sodomy, aka the “abominable crime against nature known as buggery,” aka The Gay. To which the only appropriate response is, “In California? The land of fruits and nuts? HA HA HA…oh, right.” Read more on California Ballot Measure Will Put Anti-Gay Bigot In Timeout For Being ‘Intolerant Jackass’…
  Measles party? Sick!

Want To Go To A Measles Party? No, You Don’t

polka dot party!
If you get an invitation to a really fresh soiree in Marin County, CA, you will probably want to go, because Party! And what a cute invite, with the polka dots and everything, even though it is bring-your-own-sippy-cup to share, huh, that’s weird. Make sure you read that invite carefully, because it might be inviting you to A Measles Party! Haha, that’s sick! Or we might just be reading too much into things we see on the interwebs, you never know. Read more on Want To Go To A Measles Party? No, You Don’t…
  Cool trend bro

Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Oh, swell, it’s another reason to dislike former Texas Gov. Rick Perry. In addition to being a jerkhole in general, with a fetish for executin’ in the name of the law and denying health care to ladies in the name of the lord, we can thank him for empowering anti-vaxxers to be all, “I do not want to protect my child from diseases, AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!” Thanks, Rick. Read more on Let’s Thank Rick Perry For Giving Anti-Vaxxers The Freedom To Give Our Kids Measles…
  It's totally the undocumented kids' fault

GOP Blaming Immigrants For Diseases GOP Doesn’t Believe In

His brain is broken.
Although some conservative talk show hosts these days are leaning toward believing that measles is no big deal, Republican politicians are starting to frantically cast around for someone to blame, because, omg, measles is kind of a big deal! Hey, didn’t Louie Gohmert say something about that last summer, something about immigrant kids? With the scabies and lice? Those are sort of like measles! It turns out that some really good people to blame are undocumented children. They are perfect scapegoats, on account of how they are often brown, and they are small and they can’t vote. Read more on GOP Blaming Immigrants For Diseases GOP Doesn’t Believe In…
  Toxic Sludge Is Good For You!

Oil Companies Pumping Waste Into California’s Water, It’s Probably Fine

Here, try some iced fracking fluid.
This story supported by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil and Chemical Spills, Fracking, and Groundwater Enhancement You probably heard about this big drought in California, especially if you live there and you haven’t washed your car for months because of rationing and stuff (as opposed to those of us who just don’t wash our cars because we call road dust a “patina”). It’s a seriously bad thing, and if your state is pumping so much groundwater that the ground is literally sinking in some areas, then you might just be a bit concerned about the San Fransisco Chronicle’s investigation of oil companies pumping wastewater from drilling operations right down into Central Valley aquifers containing drinkable water. Legally, with permission from state regulators. Since 1983. Read more on Oil Companies Pumping Waste Into California’s Water, It’s Probably Fine…