Tag Archives: california

  Real talk

Carly Fiorina Goes Anti-Vaxxer Stupid, Still Won’t Be President

Maybe the demon sheep ruined HP.
The stupid, it burns when you pee Fresh off her glorious triumph over her fellow second-tier Republican presidential candidates (ooh, she did words more better than Rick Perry, impressive!), our nation at long last is ready to tune in to the wit and wisdom of Carly Fiorina. And what, pray tell, does that sound like? Read more on Carly Fiorina Goes Anti-Vaxxer Stupid, Still Won’t Be President…
  Medical advice from a divorce lawyer

Fox Chick Certain All The Man Prisoners Will Want Hoo-Has Now

She's not a doctor, but...
You know that thing when a transgender person gets gender reassignment surgery, and everybody at Show And Tell is like “ooh, me too, this is the next hottest thing, gender reassignment surgery, MOOOOOOOMMMM, why does Jessa get gender reassignment surgery and I don’t, I HATE YOU!” You don’t? Guess you’re not a Fox News idiot then, because it is a thing, and it’s going to be a real problem in prison. Read more on Fox Chick Certain All The Man Prisoners Will Want Hoo-Has Now…
  Bad Cop No Brownie!

Pot-Munching Cops Too High To Destroy All The Hidden Cameras, Oops

The internet is a wonderful thing
Today our parable comes from the Book Of Chootzpah: In the Year Of the Bad Cop, the City of Santa Ana did decide that there were too many medical marijuana dispensaries operating without a license, and lo, they did send Centurions to bust some Stoners. And it came to pass that the Centurions did break down the doors of a dispensary that was already open for business, and with guns drawn did raid the place, then proceed to tear down all the security cameras. But lo, they missed one, and what a wonder did it behold: The Centurions did partake of the edibles, and found them Good. And thus were the Centurions Busted. Read more on Pot-Munching Cops Too High To Destroy All The Hidden Cameras, Oops…
  He Who Delta It Smelt-a It

Barack Obama Stoled All The Rain In California And Gave It To Iran, Says Drunk John Boehner

strictly enforced
Speaker of the Oompaloompas John Boehner took to the Facebook Tuesday to let America know why California has a drought. Now, you might think it has something to do with the decided lack of rain over the past few years, but you’d be fooling yourself. Nope, Boehner knows that the drought was caused by “liberal environmentalists’ backwards priorities” and of course Barack Obama: Read more on Barack Obama Stoled All The Rain In California And Gave It To Iran, Says Drunk John Boehner…
  Won't somebody think of the younglings?

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Anti-Vaxxer Death Squads Will Set Us Free

Welcome back, folks! It’s time again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly guide for all the hottest tips and tricks to feng shui your crystals into an alignment more conducive for your chakral energy surges. Y’know, bullshit. We’ve got a full collection of stories to cover so let’s dive right in. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Anti-Vaxxer Death Squads Will Set Us Free…
  dumb and dumberer

Let’s Point And Laugh At Dumb Jim Carrey Twitter-Ranting About Vaccines

California finally passed its vaccine bill, removing most religious and personal belief exemptions for vaccination in public schools (almost as if contagious diseases really don’t care if you don’t “believe” in them). Yay for California! But oh no, what is that sound off in the distance? It sounds like a slow leaking fart bursting through a pair of flannel stretch pants. In Canadian! Read more on Let’s Point And Laugh At Dumb Jim Carrey Twitter-Ranting About Vaccines…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?

Hey, Kids, hope you enjoyed both your Fourth of July and your Independence Day, seeing as how this was one of those years where they fall on the same day. Yr Wonkette had a nice day off and hardly blowed up anything at all that didn’t need ‘splodin’. And speaking of “highly Flammable,” we have for you a fine collection of deleted dumbth, starting with some thoughts from a “Dr. Lopez,” who we regret did not specify what his doctorate was in. Dr Lopez was not especially pleased with our piece on the Texas attorney general who issued an amazing public meltdown in the form of a press release following the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling. And Dr. Lopez had some thoughts about just what a Big Dummy our Evan Hurst must be — don’t be fooled by his flattery at the beginning! As always, punctuation and spelling are verbatim from original. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Week: Was It Over When The Jews Bombed Pearl Harbor?…
  You're Out Of Order! This Whole State's Out Of Order!

California ‘Kill The Gays’ Lawyer Figures Amending Constitution Should Let Him Kill The Gays

Sodom and Gamera
You might remember the sexciting story (which Wonkette broke, MUST CREDIT WONKET!) of weird incognito lawyer Matt McLaughlin and his quest to get an initiative called the “Sodomite Suppression Act” on the California ballot. The initiative had the serious mission of ridding California of its troublesome sodomites, because Bible says so, and called for all homosexxicans to be “put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.” Unfortunately for McLaughlin, California Attorney General Kamala Harris is not A Idiot, so she filed an action to have the initiative tossed seeing as how it was “patently unconstitutional, utterly reprehensible, and has no place in a civil society.” McLaughlin, undaunted, figured that’s just, like, your opinion, man, so he came back for another try, this time framing the initiative as an amendment to the California Constitution with the catchy and totally different title, “The Sodomite Suppression Mandate.” And wouldn’t you know it, Harris’s office summarily dismissed that one too. Read more on California ‘Kill The Gays’ Lawyer Figures Amending Constitution Should Let Him Kill The Gays…
  Not A Rash Decision

California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands

Are your brains melting yet, Mommy? Are they? Now, about that pony...
Hey, how about some Science Nice Time? California Gov. Jerry Brown signed the state’s new vaccine requirement into law today, over the cries of “Government Oppression!” and “Big Pharma! Big Pharma! Big Pharma!” from anti-vaxxers. The bill eliminates exemptions for personal and religious beliefs, even though many Californians will be sad because their precious unvaccinated disease vectors will not be allowed to attend public schools. Read more on California Pries Measles Out Of Anti-Vaxxers’ Cold, Dumb Hands…
  Democracy at work

Mean Attorney General Won’t Let Californians Vote To Kill Homos Dead

Months back, Wonkette broke the story (MUST CREDIT WONKET!) of secret mystery incognito lawyer Matt McLaughlin, who had filed a California ballot initiative called the “Sodomite Suppression Act,” to suppress the sodomites, by killing them. The initiative specifically instructed that those caught in the act of same-sex hanky panky should “be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method.” And under California’s weird system, if the person filing the initiative pays $200 and collects 365,880 signatures, the state’s citizens get to vote on it! Before McLaughlin could collect any signatures, state Attorney General Kamala Harris said she did not have time for ANY of that shit and filed a Superior Court action to have the initiative thrown out on its merits, never to see the light of day again, saying that it was “patently unconstitutional, utterly reprehensible, and has no place in a civil society.” Man, it’s like killing gays is frowned upon these days or something. Read more on Mean Attorney General Won’t Let Californians Vote To Kill Homos Dead…
  Anti-Vaxxers Are Easily Spotted

California GOP Lady: Why Cram Vaccines Down Everyone’s Throat Over One Measly Outbreak?

Think about the real victims, will you?
Last month, the California Senate passed SB 277, a bill that got rid of exemptions for “personal and religious beliefs” from the state’s mandate that all children be vaccinated before they can attend school. The bill is still awaiting a vote in the full State Assembly, and gosh darn it, Kristin Olsen, the State Assembly GOP Leader, is worried that California is rushing into passing this bill without thinking things through. In a radio interview last week, Olsen explained that there’s no need to go requiring vaccines just because a bunch of unvaccinated kids led to one teeny-tiny multi-state measles outbreak: Read more on California GOP Lady: Why Cram Vaccines Down Everyone’s Throat Over One Measly Outbreak?…
  Conservation is for little people

Rich A-Holes Guzzling California’s Last Drops Of Water Because ‘We’re Not All Equal’

freedom is deader than this lawn
You may have heard that California is all out of water. Again. This is a thing that happens frequently — not because of abortion, or pagans, or Obama’s policies on Israel — but because the state is mostly a desert and does not make enough water to support California’s addiction to perfectly manicured lawns, swimming pools, and hydrated sidewalks. Gov. Jerry Brown has told Californians to stop wasting all the water, because seriously, people, there is no more left. But rich fucks, being rich fucks, don’t give a fuck. The state is not the boss of them, and they’ll waste all the water they want, because they are better than the rest of us: Read more on Rich A-Holes Guzzling California’s Last Drops Of Water Because ‘We’re Not All Equal’…
  Waiting For The Sky's Water To Break

California Lady Lawmaker Knows What Causes Droughts, And It Is Abortion

This 'sand'? It's all POWDERED FETUSES!
Though they may never accept evolution, let it never be said that rightwingers never let their thinking on critical issues evolve. Take, for instance (please!) California Assemblywoman Shannon Grove, who used to believe California’s drought was caused by environmentalists giving all the state’s water to fish, but who now has come up with a far more plausible explanation for why it hasn’t rained: God is angry with California because of legal abortion. How she knows that it’s abortion and not The Gays we don’t know, but she’s got her ways of knowing things. Read more on California Lady Lawmaker Knows What Causes Droughts, And It Is Abortion…
  Loonocracy

California City Bans Chemtrails, Mind Control Rays; Everybody Obviously Cool With It

Now proven: 'Pinkie Sense' more reliable than Richmond CA City Council
Back on May 19, the city of Richmond, California, adopted a resolution opposing the deployment of weapons in space. At first glance, it seemed like one of those nice crunchy-granola lefty leftovers from the Reagan administration, like voting for a nuclear freeze. But since the passage of the resolution, the city’s police department has been flooded with calls from people who want help with all the mind-control rays getting past their tinfoil hats. Read more on California City Bans Chemtrails, Mind Control Rays; Everybody Obviously Cool With It…