WASHINGTON, DC, 04:18 PM, MON NOVEMBER 23 | Advertise on Wonkette | tips@wonkette.com | SUBMIT A TIP | RSS

Posts Tagged ‘california’

ALSO A NAZI

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Modernist

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

It’s like a veto, but with a half-cryptic message! Schwarzenegger’s office responds that this is just a “weird coincidence,” kind of like that time when foreign actor Arnold Schwarzenegger somehow became Governor of California. And yet! The bill he was rejecting in this letter was one dealing with financing for San Francisco ports, sponsored by San Francisco assemblyman Tommy Ammiano, who apparently shouted “kiss my gay ass” at the governor at an event earlier this month. Meanwhile, California is still broke. [SF Chronicle]


DEMOCRACY'S LEGACY

There Is Nothing That Carly Fiorina Hated More In The 90s Than Voting

Thursday, October 15th, 2009

Carly Fiorina is notable for exactly one thing: like three weeks ago, she became famous for having the Internet’s worst website. She thought it would be enough, you see, to let people know that the worlds “Carly Fiorina” sort of sound like “California,” and this is how she expected to defeat Barbara Boxer for her Senate seat. Just by pointing out this one thing. But now there’s a new Carly Fiorina thing! Specifically Fiorina, like eBay lady/gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman, doesn’t care for voting, just simply does not care for it. MORE »


DAILY BRIEFING

Ugh, Weird: Germans Are Building A New Berlin Wall Out Of Styrofoam And Then Knocking It Down

Thursday, October 15th, 2009
  • Obama, to prove he does not hate New Orleans and has zero plans to willfully destroy it—as per the tradition of his predecessor—will visit this afternoon. [Los Angeles Times]
  • Over 30 people were killed in a series of coordinated terrorist goings-on in Islamabad. [New York Times]
  • The Arctic’s ice will be completely gone in 20 years. Add “carbon emissions” to “rock salt” on the national What Melts Snow list. [Times Online]
  • Obama wants to give $250 to every senior and disabled person this winter, since there will not be the traditional increase on Social Security benefit checks. [Washington Post]
  • Probationary Kennedy Maria Shriver has apologized for talking on her cell phone while driving, for such is illegal in California. This is like literally the third time this has happened. [CNN]
  • Uhh… the Germans are constructing a new Berlin Wall, out of Styrofoam… because they want to knock it down again. Ha ha.  It seems this is how most things start, in Germany. [WSJ]

VERY PRECIOUS

Arnold Schwarzenegger Going Through Difficult Phase

Friday, October 9th, 2009

He finds that if he can just make a list of three modest things to accomplish each day, and then accomplish those things, then the day will have been a success, and he can be happy and won’t have to drink so much at night. [Twitter/Arnold Schwarzenegger via SFist]


CRASH AND BURN

Watch The GOP Try To Convince That Guy Who Landed A Plane On The Hudson To Run For Congress

Friday, October 2nd, 2009

Who’s someone people like? The Sullenberger guy, Chesley B. Sully Sullenberger, who became famous for not crashing an airplane last summer or whenever it was. Anyway, coincidentally, you know who the Republicans decided would make a great new congressman from California? So reports The Hill, with signature Cheeky Juxtaposition: “Republicans hoped the hero who saved all 155 of his flight’s passengers and crew by landing in the Hudson could help them retake a seat that long had been in the GOP’s control.” MORE »


POOR BILLIONAIRE LADY

Meg Whitman Never Voted Ever Because Of Her FAMILY, You Guys

Wednesday, September 30th, 2009

Comical former eBay CEO and McCain campaign “female supporter” Meg Whitman, currently running for governor of California, has simply had a terrible last week. Some lib for the Sacramento Bee exposed her recently as a lousy civic bum who had never registered to vote before age 46. Dearest Meg has apologized numerous times since then, but has only now offered this mea culpa: “I was focused on raising a family, on my husband’s career, and we moved many, many times.” Hey, those are our reasons too! [AP]


RACE TO THE APOCALYPSE

Carly Fiorina Comes Through With The Very Witty Senate Campaign Slogan!

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009

Wealthy corporate human Carly Fiorina, the disgraced dingbat liar from John McCain’s 2008 presidential campaign, is planning a run against Barbara Boxer in next year’s California Senate race. Cute! And yesterday she launched a hilarious FLASH website that everybody has been making fun of because it is so cheesy. You should watch the opening FLASH segment! Carly Fiorina, you guys! [Carly for California]


INDIAN CUMMER

Cum Goblin: I Had No Affairs, You See

Thursday, September 10th, 2009

When was he POTUS?Ex-California state assemblyman Mike “Sticky Carpets” Duvall — more commonly known as The Cum Goblin — has something to say regarding his resignation yesterday, which came after a video was published of him bragging to a fellow legislator about having hot hot sex with various lobbyists, all the time, spanking them, spilling semen everywhere, playing them off of each other, etc etc: “I want to make it clear that my decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs. My offense was engaging in inappropriate story-telling and I regret my language and choice of words.” Oh, Cum Goblin. [Mike Duvall]


INDIAN CUMMER

Spanky Cumsack Resigns From California State Assembly

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Are his children old enough to read the Internet?Another victim felled by the Internets, it seems: Republican California legislator Mike “Sticky Carpets” Duvall has resigned freaking already, for being disgusting. The statement on his website: “I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work.” And I can get back to fuckin’! Oh man, what a bummer. We hadn’t nearly exhausted the nickname possibilities for Mike “Jizz Raptor” Duvall yet. [Duvall for Assembly]


SO MESSY!

Vulgar CA Assemblyman Caught On Open Mic Bragging About Various Affairs With Lobbyists

Wednesday, September 9th, 2009

Republican Michael D. Duvall, a California state assemblyman representing Orange County, loves family values and ethics, and thus is a member of the Rules Committee. Another thing he loves is pussy. He enjoys telling his assembly buddies about all of the sweet, sweet non-wife trim he gets on the side, with lobbyist gals. Unfortunately, open mics sometimes catch these conversations. If you want to see what this 54-year-old has to say about cum, click the clicky! MORE »


RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS

William Wallace (Mel Gibson) Will Eat Your Intestines, For Daring To Criticize Scotland

Friday, August 21st, 2009
  • Whether he was clearing brush at his ranch or choking on a pretzel, George Bush was known to sport his silkiest ascot, his most posh plaid cummerbund. Say what you will, but the man was a snappy dresser. And Barack Obama? He prefers “Islamo-fascist business casual.” [Think Progress]
  • This is a story about compassion, a story about reaching out, and helping a stranger in need. This is a story about a Californian squirrel, who received the best neurosurgery Californian IOUs could buy. [True/Slant: Matthew Fleischer]
  • David Sedaris recalls all the delicious opiate cocktails he was given, for free (!), when he lived in Paris. [AMERICAblog]
  • Mr. President: Coddling NASCAR drivers won’t change the fact that you are Adolf Hitler. [The Caucus]
  • Your average Scotsman clocks in at about 6′9, weighs 350 pounds, has a beard on every part of his body, carries a fucking dagger in his sock — a “dirk” — and basically doesn’t take shit, from anybody. After all, Scotland’s national sport is “Who can throw this log the farthest?” (In the winter it’s “Who can push this rock real good, with a broom?”) But the real magic of Scotland is that it’s also a sensitive, tender country. And the Weekly Standard just can’t handle that. [Weekly Standard]