Tag Archives: buzzfeed

  Can't we all just forget this happened?

Billionaire GOP Sugar Daddy Foster Friess: Stop Making Daily Caller Look Bad, By Quoting Them!

He's already said he's not sorry
Last week, we learned the SHOCKING! news that Tucker Carlson, Fox News host and the proprietor of the cesspool known as the Daily Caller, is a sexist piece of scum. No, wait, we’ve known that for years. The new news is that Tucker has a brother named Buckley, and Buckley is just as wretched a human being as his brother. News, but hardly of the shocking kind. Read more on Billionaire GOP Sugar Daddy Foster Friess: Stop Making Daily Caller Look Bad, By Quoting Them!…
  #winning

Tucker Carlson And Brother Buckley Double-Team Lady In Most Sexist Bullsh*t We’ve Seen Today

Call him LabiaFace. He likes it.
Turns out walking piece of barely human garbage and professional Fox News dick-sucker Tucker Carlson has a brother named Buckley (yes, we know, and we can only imagine Tucker’s life-long fraternal envy, since he must have been named for one of the lesser racists). And although we only learned of Buckley’s existence seconds ago, we are not at all surprised to also learn that Buckley is just like his brother: a piece of barely human garbage. Read more on Tucker Carlson And Brother Buckley Double-Team Lady In Most Sexist Bullsh*t We’ve Seen Today…
  Mainline some top-grade Alabama dumbass this morning

Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around

So it is Wednesday, the third day since Alabama was victimized by a gratuitous federal over-reach-around that required the state to allow gay marriage, even in the really wingnut parts. Let’s look at the Alabammy gay sexy news that has happened since we last updated you on their tantrums, yesterday, when the great majority of probate judges were simply saying, “don’t care about the Constitution, sorry, have you met us?” Read more on Alabama Continues To Reel From Tyrannical Federal Gay Marriage Over-Reach-Around…
  Crimes and Misdemeanors

Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)
Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?) with a fresh case of beer in his car, whoops! Put that shit in the trunk, son! Did a young Rafael Edward Cruz waive his Fourth Amendment rights? Impeach. Read more on Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him…
  We just invented a new word and it is plagiarism

National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson

A Doktor Zoom original
If you were concerned that hack plagiarist Benny Johnson, Buzzfeed’s former viral politics editor and laughing stock of the internet — which he loves :) — would disappear into oblivion and fade from our memories, pinch your collective selves and quit your daydreaming because it turns out that there is still one cockroach-infested corner of the internet that thinks Benny would make a fine addition to its staff, and it is National Review! Read more on National Review Burnishes ‘Serious Journalism’ Rep By Hiring Disgraced Plagiarist Benny Johnson…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

Republican Hack And Plagiarist ‘Buzzfeed Benny’ Still Has Job, Because Buzzfeed

Are you the kind of person who is just too busy to read actual articles with actual words because you’re obsessively clicking boxes to find out your level of expertise in pooping, whether you are hungover, or which character from a bad ’80s sitcom you would be if you were a character from a bad ’80s sitcom, which you are not, but hey, this is IMPORTANT, which is why you only have time to “read” the news as explained through Toy Story GIFS? Congratulations, you are the reason Buzzfeed exists and is basically taking over the entire internet, and yes, you are terrible, you are what is wrong with everything, and no, your friends on Facebook really don’t give an expert poop that you’re “a bit of a square,” just like Danny Tanner from “Full House”! That’s okay, though. We all have our guilty pleasures. And there is nothing immoral about enjoying that kind of infotainment, even when that infotainment is so offensively disgustingly embarrassingly bad — like this piece of fawning garbage by Viral Politics Editor Benny Johnson about how terrific George Dubya is at thanking soldiers when he’s not laughing about how he sent them off to die for no reason at all. You know what is not okay and is immoral? Stealing those half-assed captions you, Benny Johnson, call “writing” from other people who are not you and pretending they are your own. In the old-school get-off-my-lawn world where we use our words, we call that PLAGIARISM. Read more on Republican Hack And Plagiarist ‘Buzzfeed Benny’ Still Has Job, Because Buzzfeed…
  I Am Mad About A Thing

I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?

Okay, so, birth control. It’s this, like, medication-type thing, right? Like Advil for your aches and pains. Or aspirin so you don’t stroke out or have a heart attack. Or Flintstones vitamins so you grow up big and strong enough to turn a dinosaur into a car. Or Viagra so when you and your bros jet off to the Dominican Republic to bang some prostitutes, your floppy flaccid dick actually gets hard, but of course you have the prescription filled in someone else’s name because HELLO, when it comes to sex pills, you are all, like, I want “to PROTECT MY PRIVACY, given the potential embarrassing nature of Viagra.” Understandable, of course, because when you’re popping sex pills, it’s sort of no one’s business, right, RUSH LIMBAUGH? (Yes, that was an actual quote from the actual Rush Limbaugh. Feel free to mock that FOREVER.) Anyway, birth control is pretty much like that. It is a medication type thing that some women (basically all women, like 99 percent of them) use in a medication type way for medical type reasons, such as, for example, endometriosis, which is extremely painful and can be treated with birth control. Such as also for example not wanting to grow a baby inside your body, which can be avoided with birth control. Such as also too for example you are getting married and then going on a fabulous two-week honeymoon to a five-star hotel on the beach, and you do NOT want to be a crampy, bloody, bloated bridezilla, so you’d like to skip it altogether please, which is possible with birth control. Stuff like that. How. EVER. Read more on I Take Birth Control Because I’m A Slutty Slut Who Sluts So Hard. You?…
  You Say "Te Deum" We Say "Tedium"

Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control

Another good reason to use birth control
A couple weeks back, Buzzfeed posted photos of its employees explaining why they used birth control. It’s a lot of the old, tired “I deserve a say in what happens to my body and my life,” and “I take birth control for my endometriosis” blah-blah-blah we’ve come to expect from the man-hatin’ pro-abortion left. Well, the mommy bloggers at Catholic Sistas weren’t going to take this Buzzfeed thing lying down, if you catch our drift, and we think you do. They posted their own “Why I Don’t Use Birth Control” piece, and it is just a barrel full of monkeys. Read more on Catholic Mommy Bloggers Explain Why They Don’t Like Or Understand Birth Control…
  best american nonfiction writing of 2014

Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever.

Today we ponder two awesome pieces of journalism, both of which had Twitter buzzing when they hit the web late Wednesday night. It was a tough choice for us deciding which one excited us more. Nothing we like better than some hard-hitting web content. Let’s compare the two and see which one has the potential to be more thought-provoking. On the one hand, you have Ta-Nehisi Coates’ eagerly awaited cover story for The Atlantic, “The Case for Reparations.” Coates has given us a searing indictment of the racism that has undergirded American society from the day the first slaves were brought to the North American continent, showing the reader, largely through the story of black efforts to capture a piece of the American dream by owning their own homes, particularly in one black neighborhood in Chicago, how the systemic physical, psychological and economic violence done to black minds, bodies, families and souls has wreaked havoc upon African-Americans for 400 years and continues to do so today. On the other hand, you have this piece from Buzzfeed titled, before the listicle giant changed it to something slightly less provocative, “Which Supreme Court Justice Should You Masturbate To?” Read more on Wonkette Journalism Review: Let Us Speak Now Of Racism. Or Pegging. Whatever….
  media circus

ABC News And Center For Public Integrity Slapping Each Other Silly In Nerdiest Bitchfight Ever

Remember how we ignored the Pulitzers because US Airways tweeted a picture of a lady with a plane in her vajayjay? Turns out the Center for Public Integrity won for a series on how the medical profession screws over black lung patients. Now ABC wants a piece of that Pulitzer too. Read more on ABC News And Center For Public Integrity Slapping Each Other Silly In Nerdiest Bitchfight Ever…
  neerrrrds!

Perennial Maybe-Candidate Sarah Palin Mean-Girls Nerdy Reporter For Perennial Maybe-Candidate Donald Trump

Oh, this is a very special update to yesterday’s YOOGE Donald Trump News from Ghost Breitbart’s Internet Home for the Perpetually Aggrieved. As you may recall, rancid Breitbart horcrux Matthew Boyle discovered a terrible, terrible thing about Buzzfeed writer McKay Coppins: Coppins wrote something negative about Trump, and said unthinkable things, despicable things, things so vile and putrid that we hesitate to repeat them! Namely, he said that Donald Trump is a pretend candidate who likes publicity but has no intention of actually running for any elective office, ever. Or as Boyle put it, “one of the most venomous hit pieces in recent memory,” which suggests that Mr. Boyle probably needs a RAM upgrade. Happily, thanks to a midnight deal at a crossroads — Trump got their souls, and they got the belief that they mattered — we got yesterday’s breathless exposé, which informs us that not only did Coppins say unkind things about the Great Man, he also was a puffed up braggart who constantly called himself a “big reporter,” ogled all the waitresses at Trump’s Florida hideaway, and “ordered bison burgers at a resort restaurant in an untoward way.” All of which are totally believable and supported by the direct word of people who work for Mr. Trump and love their jobs. It was a glorious festival of butthurt which Kid Zoom described to us as “like a bunch of jocks beating up on a nerd who insulted the quarterback.” This was our fault; we hadn’t shown Kid a photo of Boyle. And now, the Queen Bee of the Mean Girls comes sailing into the fray. Sarah Palin gave Breitbart writer Tony Lee a two-sentence quote, and it was a thing of beauty: “This nervous geek isn’t fit to tie the Donald’s wingtips,” Palin told Breitbart News … “Don’t ever give him attention again.” Wow! “Nervous geek” — now that is some grade-A high school bullying. Pay attention, boys, and learn from the best. Read more on Perennial Maybe-Candidate Sarah Palin Mean-Girls Nerdy Reporter For Perennial Maybe-Candidate Donald Trump…
  get me rewrite!

Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump

These are dark days indeed for McKay Coppins, some dumb guy from Buzzfeed who wrote a totally uncalled-for scurrilous PACK OF LIES about Donald Trump, who as everyone knows is the YOOGEST, CLASSIEST GUY, and then McKay Coppins forced Donald Trump to fire his own top aide! What a dick! It is dark days for McKay Coppins because he just got PWNED by hero reporter Matthew Boyle, of Ghost Andrew Breitbart’s Internet Hideaway for Craven Sniveling Soul-Free Shitweasels Super Good Reporters Who Will TRUTH ALL OVER YOUR FACE. Let us read and marvel at M. Boyle’s masterclass in journalisming all over Coppins and his so-called “reporting,” including allegations of eyerape, not to mention scumbaggery, together! Read more on Brave Hero Breitbart Reporter CRUSHES Dumb Buzzfeed Guy Who Lied All Over Donald Trump…
  please pack your knives and go

Donald Trump A Totally Chill Dude Who Is Not At All Absurdly Thin-Skinned And Ridiculous

Over the weekend, we pointed you to a pretty excellent Buzzfeed profile of Donald Trump, gentle soul and friend to the animals. It was such a good profile that at times Donald Trump even came off as a gracious, generous guy (complexity!) instead of a lowlife entitled thug assclown! Yes, that Donald Trump! Why, it is almost as if McKay Coppins discovered Donald Trump is a human being instead of Donald Trump! So now, duh, Donald Trump has fired his chief aide for setting up the interview. And the aide is as sorry as that old man that Dick Cheney shot in the face. Read more on Donald Trump A Totally Chill Dude Who Is Not At All Absurdly Thin-Skinned And Ridiculous…
  jello?

Bill Cosby Pal Does Not See Why Bill Cosby’s 14 Rape Allegations Would Preclude A New NBC Show, No Big Deal

Fun story! If the allegations from, let’s see, carry the 1, FOURTEEN WOMEN are true, beloved entertainer Bill Cosby is a pig serial rapist. Like, the rape-rape kind. Like, over decades. Bill Cosby also has a show in development at NBC. Is this a problem? Of course this is not a problem. Read more on Bill Cosby Pal Does Not See Why Bill Cosby’s 14 Rape Allegations Would Preclude A New NBC Show, No Big Deal…
  the party dress stays on

Dudes At Free Beacon Having Some Quality ‘Them Time’ With Pics Of This Pretty Blonde Right Winger

The nice folks at the Washington Free Beacon want you to know that this whole completely fictitious “War on Women” thing, which never existed to begin with, is now OVER. Not only is the official response to the State of the Union address going to be given by a Gyno-American, but the RNC’s Winter Meeting featured a “Rising Stars” event to showcase “a potpourri of strong conservative women who are making it rain change in America.” We were not aware of the cloud-seeding properties of conservative women, although we have no doubt that some of them smell nice enough. Anyway, one of these young conservative women, whose star “rose just a little bit higher than the rest,” is Alison Howard, the Communications Director for Beverly LaHaye’s funtimes circus, Concerned Women For America. And Alison, you see, is just so fantastic and incredibly gorgeous — not to mention conservative — that there will never ever be any accusations of a “War on Women” ever again. Plus, since she’s a conservative evangelical, you can bet her closet doesn’t contain any slut pills or bortions or libido. Read more on Dudes At Free Beacon Having Some Quality ‘Them Time’ With Pics Of This Pretty Blonde Right Winger…
  we've heard this song before

Rand Paul Denies Plagiarism: ‘I Am Not A Crook’

At first Yr Wonkette was going to leave this whole “Rand Paul plagiarism” thing reasonably alone, at least when it was just his speechwriters cribbing movie summaries from Wikipedia. It’s the sort of dumb frat-boy-writing-a-research-paper kind of idiocy that probably goes on all the time, albeit less clumsily. Good for a one-off post on a slow day, but frankly we thought frequent Wonkette-weird-sex-dream beneficiary Rachel Maddow was going a little overboard. But then there was his weird explanation, where he seemed not even to understand what la Maddow was accusing him of: “I didn’t claim that I created the movie Gattaca,” he said, never addressing the word-for-word borrowing of Wikipedia summaries of that movie and Stand and Deliver. But still, it struck us as merely bush-league derp. But then things started getting RIDICULOSE. For one thing, we’re pretty darn sure that his father was never a Welsh coal miner. Read more on Rand Paul Denies Plagiarism: ‘I Am Not A Crook’…
  you too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident

Daily Caller Shocker: Carpetbagging Cory Booker Does Not Even Live In Newark Maybe, Conspiracy Goes All The Way To The Top

Tucker Carlson’s Daily Caller, everyone’s favorite home for racists who can’t read good and stuff, has quite the little scoopty scoop, and that is that Cory Booker, who is a better human being than you, is NOT a better human being than you, because of how he is LYING about living in Newark, according to these “neighbors” who have coincidentally been interviewed bitching about Cory Booker in every Daily Caller story about Cory Booker since Cory Booker became a thing, but do NOT call them “anti-Cory Booker activists,” they are NEIGHBORS, the Daily Caller SAYS SO. (Also, one neighbor “James Sharp” does not seem to care for Cory Booker. Isn’t that weird, since the DemocRAT Machine candidate Booker famously defeated was named “Sharpe James”? That is weird right? The Daily Caller would never try to pull one over on us, would they? DON’T BE RIDICULOSE, OF COURSE THEY WOULD.) So the Daily Caller has this scoop, where they go around and look in Cory Booker’s windows and declare the home vacant. And then they are all Zoolander male model style, “AHA! He says he lives here but property records show that it is owned by some lady!” And then Buzzfeed is all, “Earth to Daily Caller, that lady was the landlady and here are some rent checks, and also possibly go to this other home in Newark Cory Booker moved to in late September!” and the Booker campaign was all “orange mocha frappuccino!” And now it is a big spitty mess because the Buzzfeed story declared the neighbors who said Cory Booker didn’t even live there to be “anti-Booker activists” and got one of their names wrong, and then the Daily Caller was all, “AHA Earth to Buzzfeed nice reporting!” and Buzzfeed was all, “Oh okay, here is a correction on the lady’s name,” and the moral of the story is Cory Booker is the worst human being since Josef Mengele gave birth to Nazi Barack Obama. Except for this. Be ready you guys. Are you sitting down? Read more on Daily Caller Shocker: Carpetbagging Cory Booker Does Not Even Live In Newark Maybe, Conspiracy Goes All The Way To The Top…
  life is a cabaret

Who Invited The New York Times To Our ‘Cory Booker Flirted With A Stripper’ Party?

Yes, we know, boobs. And Cory Booker. It’s very exciting. Especially the boobs. But really especially the Cory Booker, what a piece! Buzzfeed (NSFW link, because boobs) was first with the magical tale of how a man named Cory Booker used his Twitter to say he loved a stripper named Lynsie Lee. Go to Buzzfeed if you like pictures of boobs that might even be not fake, who knows? Possibly Cory Booker? And of course Gawker followed soon after, wrongly accusing Lee of veganism, which they later corrected (she works at a vegan strip club in Portland, OR, because Portland). And of course yr Wonkette could not let this pass without comment, so don’t get all glass housey with us! Read more on Who Invited The New York Times To Our ‘Cory Booker Flirted With A Stripper’ Party?…
  report the -- oh god yes! -- controversy

OK, So Maybe Nobody Really Bought ‘Female Pleasure Machine’ For Michele Bachmann. But Why Not?

And now, a Very Important Clarification! It turns out that a story from July that suggested that a supporter accidentally sent Michele Bachmann a sex toy instead of a scalp massager to help with her migraines is… well, Maybe Not True. Or so says one of the people close to the situation, in a sworn statement. Disappointing, we know. On the upside, the maybe-debunking at least gives us another excuse to combine “Michele Bachmann” and “Sex Toys for Ladies,” so we’ll always have that. And this lovely headline from the Cleveland Plain Dealer: “Sworn statement from Rex Elsass staffer refutes suggestion that firm bought ‘female pleasure machine’ for Michele Bachmann.” We love swearing about sex toys, too. Read more on OK, So Maybe Nobody Really Bought ‘Female Pleasure Machine’ For Michele Bachmann. But Why Not?…
  newsbeast is dead long live newsbeast

Tina Brown To Leave Daily Beast, Now Free To Ruin New Publication

Today we bid farewell — or prepare to bid farewell, if “a source with direct knowledge” has given the straight dope to Buzzfeed — to Tina Brown as editor of The Daily Beast, and maybe, who knows, to the Beast itself: According to a source with direct knowledge of the situation, The Daily Beast parent company IAC owned by media mogul Barry Diller does not plan to renew Brown’s contract when it expires in January. The decision has been made for the two sides to part ways, said the source, but precise details of the separation are still being worked out. Yr Doktor Zoom is not what you’d call a media insider, but he reads enough to know that Tina Brown has kind of a reputation for… well, shall we say, flashy crap over substance? Like those charming Newsweek covers of ragey Muslims and Zombie Princess Di? So what’s next for the woman who is to media properties what the 9/11 hijackers were to office buildings? Read more on Tina Brown To Leave Daily Beast, Now Free To Ruin New Publication…