Wonkette

Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. MORE »

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. MORE »

“Despondent” Chinese panda attempts to eat Chinese zookeeper; could Washington’s beloved fuzzy black-and-white tourist attraction be next?

* Yippee kayay, motherfucker. [Express]
* “We have to give captive-bred pandas better survival training, especially combat and defence skills.” [Poofygoo]
* Perhaps this glowing DCist review means the bullets have stopped flying at Temperance Hall. [DCist]
* ” I don’t know how many baby boomers read this (Hi Dad!), but, man, you guys are old.” [why.i.hate.dc]
* Today is National Doughnut Day. Get some. [Last Second Thoughts]
* Summer gunfire is here! “These incidents and many more, have been increasing at an alarming rate. The police (whom we call every time there’s an incident) have been blaming the nice weather for the increased activity in the streets and gentrification for the loss of drug-dealing territories.” [007 in Africa]
* Hilarious driving-in-DC graphs: “HONK HONK! YOU PUSSY!” [Quiet in the Stacks]
* “Guy in Wisconsin shirt, while I was getting home from work, you were stopped in your bike ride trying to put the small fire out in my front yard. You even jumped over the fence! My friend and I would love to take you for a drink, but even if not, you’re our hero. Thanks again!” {Missed Connections]

Above, possible Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, with Knut the Baby Polar Bear. Gingrich has been linked to Knut ever since he learned of former flame Butterstick’s tragic illness and left the formerly cute panda for a younger, more attractive animal. MORE »

The indignity continued for once-popular child star “Butterstick the Panda” today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back. MORE »

If you see a disheveled teen-aged panda around Union Station, stinking of urine and crack fumes, that’s the once-popular Butterstick. Everybody knows babies don’t stay “adorable” for long, but the burn rate is even faster for our animal friends because they live “dog years” or something. And there’s always a new, younger, cuter animal ready to take the title of World’s Most Adorable Critter. MORE »

From rural Mexico to our crumbling ghettos, nothing amuses folks like a vicious fight between chickens or pit bulls. That’s why Washington’s beloved World Wildlife Federation is now holding virtual animal fights! Also, it’s a really odd way to tie wildlife conservation to, uhm, the Super Bowl.

We’ve always wondered if it was an accident that the panda-loving lobbyists shared “WWF” with the World Wrestling Federation. MORE »