Butterstick
China Forces U.S. Butterstick Fans To Clean Panda Poop
As China’s economy barrels along and Washington is helpless to do anything beyond passing toothless House legislation wishing China “would not be so rich and powerful,” perhaps no story better illustrates the rapid and shameful decline of our nation as the sad tale of four wealthy American ladies literally reduced to cleaning up the poop [...]
Erick Erickson Wishes Republican Party Would Feed Him More Butter
Boo! Why did the Republican Party have to come out this morning with a list of “policies” and “beliefs”? That’s no fun. The only policy they need is “the economy sucks and your president doesn’t look like you,” but John Boehner decided to write up a big “Pledge for America” because he has never accomplished [...]
Vote To Name National Zoo’s Dumb Octopus ‘Cthulhu’
Ever since the Red Chinese took their panda back to Communist China, Washington’s National Zoo has been a pretty beat-down no-panda-havin’ sort of place. Kids don’t want to go there, not even to get out of school for the day — what does the zoo even have left, as far as animals? Some old deer [...]
Forgotten Butterstick Released From Chinese Prison
What has become of Washington’s beloved comedy animal, Butterstick the Panda Bear? If this tragic BBC News photo is to be trusted, the once-adored animal is now a beaten, sad-faced monster finally let out of its horror jail after god knows how many weeks. It’s probably crazier than John McCain at this point, and looks [...]
China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo
Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and [...]
Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China
Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, [...]
Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science
The life of Butterstick the National Zoo panda follows an all-too-common trajectory: we’ve seen him grow from adorable infant to teenage crack-whore to compulsive leg-humper and now, to a middle-aged adult with irritable bowels.
CPAC Panda Furries Are GOP’s Future
Our CPAC correspondent from Boston, Garrett Quinn, sends this terrifying photograph of a CPAC sex worker known as “Bailout Panda.” When will the police crush this degenerate animal-orgy event?
THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post]
Cute Symbol of Global Warming Now Up For Sale
Gas will soon cost less than a buck a gallon, as nobody has a dollar, and nobody has a job to drive to anyway. Even Wal-Marts are closing down. And now Knut the cute polar bear, who was photographed topless by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair just last year, is an unwanted and unloved victim [...]
Ralph Nader Talks Sadly To Bird, Contemplates Wearing Bear Suit
America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a [...]
Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath
Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death
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