Tag Archives: Butterstick

  Shoplifts Shoots And Leaves

Boise Burglary Suspect Is One Sad Panda

Photo courtesy Hundred Acre Wood P.D.
Sometimes you just need to get out the ol’ rainbow-puking gnome, and today is one of those days, because today, Tuesday, December Second, in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Fourteen, we learned that an 18-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting by Boise Police late last night, and her name, we shit you not, is Amanda Miranda Panda. Read more on Boise Burglary Suspect Is One Sad Panda…
  12 shiny wonkbucks to linkins

HuffPo’s DCeiver, Jason Linkins, Vaguely Recalls Writing About This ‘Butterstick’ Fellow At Your Wonkette

Oh, hi, good people of Wonkette. My name is Jason, and when Rebecca reached out to me to tell me that today is the 10th Anniversary of Wonkette, “and some old editors are writing posts about their time there or whatever,” I thought to myself, “Wow. Has it been ten years? Or are one of us, or both, drunk right now?” Turns out all of that was true, probably. Why am I here, today? Well according to this Wikipedia entry I just read, “Past and current guest editors and contributors include Reason Magazine editor Nick Gillespie, Washington Post reporter David Weigel, DCeiver editor and Huffington Post writer Jason Linkins, Gawker editor and The Awl founder Choire Sicha, New York comedian and author Sara Benincasa, Chicago artist and journalist Lauri Apple, Boston Globe political blogger Garrett Quinn, cartoonist Benjamin Frisch, and Vanity Fair online writer Juli Weiner.” What a group of rogues! Except for Juli. Juli is, I’ll have you know, a lady of refinement and distinction. I came to these pages for the first time in October of 2005, because (I think?) Ana Marie was taking time off to write her book, Dog Days. During that time, I met Rachel Sklar, who years later asked me to fill in for her when she was writing a book. That led to over six years of me liveblogging the Sunday shows and writing dick jokes about American politics at the HuffPo. But your takeaway should be: I used to be the person that the hawt internet ladies turned to, when they needed to write books, guys. Read more on HuffPo’s DCeiver, Jason Linkins, Vaguely Recalls Writing About This ‘Butterstick’ Fellow At Your Wonkette…
  may you live in interesting times

China Forces U.S. Butterstick Fans To Clean Panda Poop

As China’s economy barrels along and Washington is helpless to do anything beyond passing toothless House legislation wishing China “would not be so rich and powerful,” perhaps no story better illustrates the rapid and shameful decline of our nation as the sad tale of four wealthy American ladies literally reduced to cleaning up the poop of the Chinese panda once known as “Butterstick” during its brief mission to Washington’s National Zoo. “The sight of the Western women scrubbing down the panda pens was enough to cause flocks of Chinese tourists to swivel their cameras to catch the action,” the Washington Post reports today. Pathetic. Read more on China Forces U.S. Butterstick Fans To Clean Panda Poop…
  country crock

Erick Erickson Wishes Republican Party Would Feed Him More Butter

Boo! Why did the Republican Party have to come out this morning with a list of “policies” and “beliefs”? That’s no fun. The only policy they need is “the economy sucks and your president doesn’t look like you,” but John Boehner decided to write up a big “Pledge for America” because he has never accomplished anything with words in his life. Erick Erickson is very mad about this. And he’s going to stage a coup to take the House speakership for himself. With butter. Read more on Erick Erickson Wishes Republican Party Would Feed Him More Butter…
  'fried calamari' is a good name

Vote To Name National Zoo’s Dumb Octopus ‘Cthulhu’

Ever since the Red Chinese took their panda back to Communist China, Washington’s National Zoo has been a pretty beat-down no-panda-havin’ sort of place. Kids don’t want to go there, not even to get out of school for the day — what does the zoo even have left, as far as animals? Some old deer that wandered into an empty cage? Roaches? The zoo man asked, “We got anything?” And sure enough his neighbor dragged up a nasty-ass octopus when he was fishing down by the Navy Yard. Read more on Vote To Name National Zoo’s Dumb Octopus ‘Cthulhu’…
  the saddest thing

Forgotten Butterstick Released From Chinese Prison

What has become of Washington’s beloved comedy animal, Butterstick the Panda Bear? If this tragic BBC News photo is to be trusted, the once-adored animal is now a beaten, sad-faced monster finally let out of its horror jail after god knows how many weeks. It’s probably crazier than John McCain at this point, and looks just as mean and stupid. [BBC News via Wonkette Operative “Alex P.”] Read more on Forgotten Butterstick Released From Chinese Prison…
  china is raping our culture

China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo

Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass. Read more on China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo…
  alive stuffed animals

Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China

Good lord, has it really been five years since famous baby panda “Butterstick” — which means Tai Shan in Chinese — was born in the Washington zoo? Yes it has, even though it feels like at least 50 years ago, and the once-adorable little puppet has turned into an immense, terrifying monster. Sometime this morning, the National Zoo will announce that Butterstick is being sent to China, forever. After all, China’s on the up and America’s on the down & out. Read more on Farewell, Butterstick: Unwanted Panda Being Shipped To China…
  cartoon violence

Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs. Read more on Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series…
  meet your meat

Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science

The life of Butterstick the National Zoo panda follows an all-too-common trajectory: we’ve seen him grow from adorable infant to teenage crack-whore to compulsive leg-humper and now, to a middle-aged adult with irritable bowels. Read more on Butterstick Takes It Up The Hindquarters For Science…
  zat you butterstick?

CPAC Panda Furries Are GOP’s Future

Our CPAC correspondent from Boston, Garrett Quinn, sends this terrifying photograph of a CPAC sex worker known as “Bailout Panda.” When will the police crush this degenerate animal-orgy event?
  butterstick

THAT’S NOT CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN: “‘Because competent mating did not occur,’ the zoo statement said, veterinarians anesthetized both pandas on Saturday, collected semen from Tian Tian and inserted it into Mei Xiang’s uterus.” [Washington Post] Read more on …
  sucks to be knut

Cute Symbol of Global Warming Now Up For Sale

Gas will soon cost less than a buck a gallon, as nobody has a dollar, and nobody has a job to drive to anyway. Even Wal-Marts are closing down. And now Knut the cute polar bear, who was photographed topless by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair just last year, is an unwanted and unloved victim of the global economic meltdown. Read more on Cute Symbol of Global Warming Now Up For Sale…
  furries

Ralph Nader Talks Sadly To Bird, Contemplates Wearing Bear Suit

America’s happiest moment in eight years was when that dude in a bear suit comically walked down the beach while that local-teevee reporter described some invisible pier, during Hurricane Ike. Poor old Ralph Nader wonders aloud, to his running mate, a bird named “Gonzalez,” if maybe he should wear a bear suit and fuck a panda at the National Zoo. Sure, why not. Nader also asks, sadly, why nobody wants to cover his campaign. The answer is simple: YOU RUINED EVERYTHING IN 2000, NADER. IT IS YOUR FAULT, ALL OF THIS. [Andrew Sullivan] Read more on Ralph Nader Talks Sadly To Bird, Contemplates Wearing Bear Suit…
 

Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath

Hey guess what, people? Hillary Clinton is still trying to “woo” superdelegates by sending threatening letters to Nancy Pelosi; Barack Obama continues to shake his head sadly, with dignity; and John McCain wants Democrats to vote for him. In other words, boring news rules the Internet today, which is why we bring you this important update on the increasingly fragile emotional state of the bear who drove the National Zoo’s Butterstick to experiment with hard drugs. Read more on Attention Whore Knut Turning Into Polar Bear Psychopath…
 

Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death

The kids, they grow up so fast these days! Not so long ago, our little Butterstick was the National Zoo’s newest adorable panda cub, conceived in a blissful and loving act of artificial insemination. Now officially called “Tai Shan,” he is all growns up and raping zookeepers. At least, we assume that is what they mean when the Washington Post says he made “physical contact” with one of his caretakers. Read more on Thug Panda Butterstick Nearly Humps D.C. Zookeeper’s Leg To Death…
 

“Despondent” Chinese panda attempts to eat Chinese zookeeper; could Washington’s beloved fuzzy black-and-white tourist attraction be next?
 

Panda, With a Vengeance

* Yippee kayay, motherfucker. [Express] * “We have to give captive-bred pandas better survival training, especially combat and defence skills.” [Poofygoo] * Perhaps this glowing DCist review means the bullets have stopped flying at Temperance Hall. [DCist] * ” I don’t know how many baby boomers read this (Hi Dad!), but, man, you guys are old.” [why.i.hate.dc] * Today is National Doughnut Day. Get some. [Last Second Thoughts] * Summer gunfire is here! “These incidents and many more, have been increasing at an alarming rate. The police (whom we call every time there’s an incident) have been blaming the nice weather for the increased activity in the streets and gentrification for the loss of drug-dealing territories.” [007 in Africa] * Hilarious driving-in-DC graphs: “HONK HONK! YOU PUSSY!” [Quiet in the Stacks] * “Guy in Wisconsin shirt, while I was getting home from work, you were stopped in your bike ride trying to put the small fire out in my front yard. You even jumped over the fence! My friend and I would love to take you for a drink, but even if not, you’re our hero. Thanks again!” {Missed Connections] Read more on Panda, With a Vengeance…
 

Newt, Improved

Above, possible Republican Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, with Knut the Baby Polar Bear. Gingrich has been linked to Knut ever since he learned of former flame Butterstick’s tragic illness and left the formerly cute panda for a younger, more attractive animal. Read more on Newt, Improved…
 

China To DC: ‘Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We’ve Got Cute Baby Ones’

The indignity continued for once-popular child star “Butterstick the Panda” today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back. Washington was supposed to return Butterstick in July, but the Red Communists said “no thanks.” Read more on China To DC: ‘Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We’ve Got Cute Baby Ones’…
 

Crackhead Teen Butterstick Now Living On Streets

If you see a disheveled teen-aged panda around Union Station, stinking of urine and crack fumes, that’s the once-popular Butterstick. Everybody knows babies don’t stay “adorable” for long, but the burn rate is even faster for our animal friends because they live “dog years” or something. And there’s always a new, younger, cuter animal ready to take the title of World’s Most Adorable Critter. Read more on Crackhead Teen Butterstick Now Living On Streets…
 

Wildlife Lobbyists Now Holding Animal Fights

From rural Mexico to our crumbling ghettos, nothing amuses folks like a vicious fight between chickens or pit bulls. That’s why Washington’s beloved World Wildlife Federation is now holding virtual animal fights! Also, it’s a really odd way to tie wildlife conservation to, uhm, the Super Bowl. We’ve always wondered if it was an accident that the panda-loving lobbyists shared “WWF” with the World Wrestling Federation. Read more on Wildlife Lobbyists Now Holding Animal Fights…