Tag Archives: business

  college: ur doin it rong

Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business

From excessive drinking to being high pretty much all the time to a wardrobe consisting of only pajamas, blogging college sure is a rockin good time. And, it helps you get a job that pays money, which enables you to buy progressively better whiskey, hoping for that one magical day when you can afford the stuff that does not come in a plastic bottle! It’s good to dream, kid. But wait! Maybe college ain’t so great after all, because did you know that some college graduates don’t make ALL THE MONIES and sometimes get laid off, and some even are forced to go on food stamps! Well, the good awful folks at the Heritage Foundation are right here to bring you the SHOCKING statistics. It seems that 28 percent of food stamp households are headed by someone who went to college. TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT, people! That’s, like, more than 1 in 4 people on food stamps (math, bitchez). Clearly, our colleges is not learning students good. Or maybe we should blame the students! Blaming the students would only work if we were really dickish, but we are talking about the Heritage Foundation.  Read more on Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business…
  money that's what i want

Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California

JP Morgan is going to have to pay $410 million dollars for manipulating energy markets in California and Michigan between 2010-2012, and if you’re thinking that this sounds an awful lot like what Enron was doing, well, you’re right! It was! Via CNN Money: The bank’s energy unit, JP Morgan Venture Energy Corporation, was accused of raising electricity rates in these markets between September 2010 and November 2012 through “manipulative bidding strategies,” according to the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission. […] The bank neither admitted nor denied the violations, but said it would work with outside counsel to review its policies and practices in the power business. Read more on Nice Time (With An Asterisk): JP Morgan To Fork Over Some Actual Cash-ish For Enron-ing California…
  smelt it dealt it

Jerry Brown Toilet-Talks Rick Perry: Your Anti-Cali Ad Is ‘Barely A Fart’

Rick Perry’s got a plan, y’all! An eeeevil plan, based on stealing all the businesses out of California and bringing them to Texas — because hell, you can do whatever you want in Texas! (Except have decent textbooks.) Rick is obviously aiming to be the Mexico-adjacent-Mexico inside the US for all of businesses everywhere — ESPECIALLY California. You want pollution? Rick Perry’s Texas has the worst in the US! You want an impoverished population desperate to take any job even at starvation wages? Texas is your place! And sugar, no one in Texas expects medical benefits, Rick Perry’s state has the highest percentage of un-covered residents of any state in the country! So! How to get that message out and into the thoughts of all business owners in California? Make a commercial! And make a commercial Texas did. But California is not taking that — no sir, when asked what he thought of Rick’s ad about stealing all the companies in California, Governor Jerry Brown, who was moonbeaming around a presser for new electric vehicles at UPS headquarters, said, “It’s not a serious story, guys. It’s not a burp, it’s barely a fart.” Oh Governor Moonbeam we love you. And it is true that it was a tiny-little-ad-buy, only $24,000. But the media has kind of been going on about it because of the asshole-audacity factor, and now you called it “barely a fart,” so we must talk about it too, because, farts are funny and Rick Perry is awful and now google searches everywhere can link “fart and Rick Perry and Texas business” and that is just nice. Read more on Jerry Brown Toilet-Talks Rick Perry: Your Anti-Cali Ad Is ‘Barely A Fart’…
  mitt's time

Mitt Romney: Why Can’t Amercia Be More Like China?

Oh goody, more incriminating audio from a Mitt Romney fundraiser. This one is  from a fundraiser he and his wife attended at the Irvine, California, home of David Horowitz (a different David Horowitz) back in March, and although Mittens didn’t insult half of the nation, he DID say that Obama considers businesspeople “a necessary evil” and his wife said that the president is not a “grown-up.” Also, did you know that China is a better place to do business than the U.S. (which surely has nothing to do with all those young women who are locked into Romney factories at night)? And that Obama wants half of the economy to be “controlled by government”? Well, now you do. Read more on Mitt Romney: Why Can’t Amercia Be More Like China?…
  mitt romney actually did build that

Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today

Mitt Romney has taken to the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal to share with you a children’s story about How Mitt Romney Saved Capitalism. This is in preparation for the upcoming sequel, Mitt Romney Saves Everything In The World And Paul Ryan Is Here, Too. The back-to-school season is here, and as parents take their children to shop for school supplies, I suspect that many of them will be visiting a Staples store. I’m very familiar with those stores because Staples is one of many businesses we helped create and expand at Bain Capital, a firm that my colleagues and I built. The firm succeeded by growing and fixing companies. Do you know that pencil you use to write down your maths? The eraser you use to hide your shameful mistakes because under Obamunism you do not know your numbers? Mitt Romney gave you that power. It is his power. A question before we continue: why does Mitt Romney write like a nervous high schooler writing for an essay competition? “I’m very familiar with these stores”? Is this some fucking novel revelation because you are fifteen years old and the most exciting thing you’ve ever done in your life is hugged a girl for a really long time behind an RV on your family vacation? Read more on Mitt Romney Talks Down At You For A Bit Today…
  but he likes it

Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People

I like to learn a fun fact every day, and today I learned TWO fun facts! One is that people still actually read Time, and two is that Romneybot 6000 doesn’t have a scripted response to questions about what he learned from Bain or how Bain in any way qualifies him to be the president of the Greatest Country on Earth. He does, however, know that he has two of the most important qualifications there are: he was born in the United States, and he knows exactly how many people you have to fire to make a businesses grow. From that commie liberal rag the New York Times: “I’d like to have a provision in the Constitution,” he recalled [some guy] saying, “that in addition to the age of the president and the citizenship of the president and the birthplace of the president being set by the Constitution, I’d like it also to say that the president has to spend at least three years working in business before he could become president of the United States.” Mr. Romney did not endorse the idea, but he seemed to like it. He liked it because “working in business,” unlike, presumably, the kind of work that OTHER PEOPLE DO (*cough*Ann Romney*cough*) helps you understand exactly how you have to screw over workers in order to pursue an inflated bottom line for the suits at the top. Read more on Mitt Romney Can’t Explain What He Learned from Firing People…
  sucker

Mitt Romney Assures Businessman That He’ll Be Lucky Enough To Fail One Day

Oh, how the businessmen rib each other! The businessmen in this case being Mitt Romney, whose “business” career was mostly as a hand-shaking middle man who was always insulated from taking the downside on a financial venture that went to hell, and some fellow with whom he was chit-chatting at an event yesterday. My how they ribbed each other with the language of Capitalists! The one guy calls Mitt Romney a failure, Romney tells him he’ll fail one day — again, this is Mitt Romney telling a potential voter he’ll fail at business one day — and then they all go out for a spot of kip, perhaps, just as Saints Ronny and Tip would. Read more on Mitt Romney Assures Businessman That He’ll Be Lucky Enough To Fail One Day…
  love is all around

Bain Capital Victim Prefers Despicable Obama Over Disgusting Romney

Glen Patrick Wells is a former steel worker from Peculiar, Missouri who was laid off as the result of Bain Capital’s restructuring of his former place of work, GS Technologies. Wells is so infuriated by the work of “predatory capitalist” Romney that he says he will now support MoveOn’s efforts to make Bain Capital Romney’s Swift Boat moment of 2012. Even though he also hates Obama! Read more on Bain Capital Victim Prefers Despicable Obama Over Disgusting Romney…
  wonkette business report

Dunkin’ Donuts Stock Goes Nuts As WalMart Sad Lady Sex Cream Fails

We’ve been keeping an eye on the Economic Newz, because sometimes you can “tell things” from the business reports that the political scumsacks won’t admit until it’s already common knowledge (“Unemployment continues to be a challenge,” etc.), and so far it looks like investors are all “Meh” on the debt ceiling/American Default stuff because the World Economy and all of America’s Rich People have already “decoupled” from the festering diabetes sore that is the U.S. Economy. But, there are other Telling Things on the Bloomberg Terminal. For example: Despite the crashing, crushing national economy, lard merchant Dunkin’ Donuts is having a hot Initial Public Offering of its stoxx today! People still got some couch change for the cream-syrup-filled grease goblins … until next week, anyways. Also: Although 43% of WalMart’s sad ladies are sexually not getting sexted by their “old man” or whatever, probably because he is an incredibly gross, racist, violent alcoholic who poops in his knockoff Laz-E-Boy while watching old DVDs of Lou Dobbs, a company that marketed some kind of horny-makin’ cream for WalMart actually went bankrupt, because in most instances, sex is pretty gross — especially when you feel obligated to have it with that repugnant odor troll who lives in your trailer and won’t hurry up and die already. Read more on Dunkin’ Donuts Stock Goes Nuts As WalMart Sad Lady Sex Cream Fails…
  tune in to glenn beck at five!

Glenn Beck TV Is Just Video Of Him Doing His Radio Show

Professional whiner nutcase Glenn Beck announced that he will charge a monthly five-dollar subscription fee for viewers to log in to his latest online vanity project, GBTV.com. Does anyone even have five dollars anymore? Maybe some quarters in the couch cushions. What will a Glenn Beck fan get in exchange for putting off the trip to the laundromat for another week? It is probably the most brilliant idea in the history of television: video feed of Glenn Beck delivering his (free, syndicated) radio show. Worth every penny. Read more on Glenn Beck TV Is Just Video Of Him Doing His Radio Show…
  it is time for you to stop all of your blogging

Canada Urging HuffPo Bloggers To Revolt, Like In Egypt

There is literally nothing more important on Earth than America Online’s purchase of Arianna Huffington’s celebriporn blog. Nothing. This is why Canadian agents provocateurs are leaving comments on the NYT calling for insurrection. Insurrection! This particular Canadian (we hide his assumed name to protect ourselves from the tanks of oppression) wants HuffPo bloggers to quit writing free blog posts for the HuffPo. Sounds like sedition to us! Read more on Canada Urging HuffPo Bloggers To Revolt, Like In Egypt…
  sheer brilliance

Federal Government Is Never Going To Regulate Anything Ever Again Because John Boehner Says So

John Boehner had a meeting with a bunch of business lobbyists today, and after coming out of it, he immediately told the world “his” great idea to enact a moratorium on new federal regulations for a year. (You are supposed to wait until Monday so these things seem like new policy ideas, not something the lobbyists told you to do, John.) Boehner set this meeting up with Illinois Republicans Aaron Schock (Hottie) and Peter Roskam (Nottie), and the big news was that business lobbyists really don’t care for many of Obama’s policies! Read more on Federal Government Is Never Going To Regulate Anything Ever Again Because John Boehner Says So…
 

Rumors On The Internets: How to Feel Alive When You’re Not Running a War

* Donald Rumsfeld looks forward to criminal prosecution, hopes to be the Tim Robbins character when he finally gets to jail. [The Carpetbagger Report] * Stay tuned to Comedy Central for his cell mates bios and an interactive prison yard game. [Comedy Central Insider] * Angry Democrat mob chases well paid assholes, looks to jam things up their well paid assholes. [Whiskey Bar] * Conservatives looking to find a new bogeyman to inspire fear and loathing in Middle America, turn to the gay illegal Mexican immigrant. [Boozhy] * Ballot counting in unresolved Ohio race on hold till after the Ohio State-Michigan football game next week. [Think Progress] * Market efficiencies allowed the business lobby to already be puckered and ready for Democratic ass kissing. [The Hill Blog] * Happy Veteran’s Day: “The Marine Corps Rules for Gun Fighting.” [The Evangelical Outpost] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: How to Feel Alive When You’re Not Running a War…
 

‘Journal’ Betrays Its Deeply-Held Principles, Gives Shit Away For Free

Hey everyone! The Wall Street Journal is free online until Wednesday! That means that you, too, can read the following articles without paying a dime: * China Fights Excessive Lending That Fuels Overcapacity, but is it Enough? Find out for free! * Level 3 Adds to Telecom Network With $1 Billion Deal for TelCove. Wow! That’s a big deal! Those Tel-prefixed companies sure are important! Read more on ‘Journal’ Betrays Its Deeply-Held Principles, Gives Shit Away For Free…
 

CrackBerry Babies Cry

And you thought the PandaCam being out of commission (it still is, YOU MONSTERS) was bad: The Man might take our Blackberrys away. A Federal judge has kicked out a settlement between the purveors of the Crackberry and the patent-holders suing them, a move which could, in theory, lead to Research in Motion shutting down the service. The thought makes my thumbs twitch. Read more on CrackBerry Babies Cry…