BARBARA BUSH HAS SUCCESSFUL HEART SURGERY: Former first lady (and a Pierce by birth, never you forget) Barbara Bush underwent what the cretins call “open heart surgery” earlier today. Doctors successfully removed the Jameson bottle and now she’s… oops, wrong Kennedy. You only heard about this news tonight because it would have been very uncouth to alert the public to this embarrassing affair earlier in the day. Oh, puddingsticks. [CNN]

The tacky “new money” Obama family has insulted America by requesting early occupancy of the White House’s guest quarters, Blair House, so that his two children could start school on time (Jan. 5) at their fancy private gig. The White House has turned down the request because who are these fucking people? MORE »

If it weren’t for the greatest president in modern times, George Walker Bush, Jr., the Republican nominee in 2008 would be his Brother, Jebediah “Jeb” Bush, the second male heir to the Bush crown and a known Mexican. He would win, because why not. But George Jr. got to the presidency first, and despite his fantastic performance over the last eight years, the Liberals would use the sum of their mighty slapping powers to prevent Jeb’s latest Bush presidency. Poor Jeb. But since everyone in this country forgets everything, he can easily run in 2012, which George Jr. today suggested his brother might do. Country, saved. MORE »

Like our brave American heroes at Central Command in Florida who remotely bomb Afghan villages using military-grade PS2s, Dick Cheney is simply standing in the bushes so you don’t see the remote control he uses to make Bush lie. MORE »

Still creeped out by today’s video of Dick Cheney’s “Twin Peaks” routine in the Rose Garden? Get ready for more inexplicable terror.

We combed through our Creepy Cheney Image Database Archives (TM) and found startling evidence that the dude is basically in the bushes all the time — or, perhaps more frightening, has perfected the ability to materialize in the bushes at opportune times to terrorize the press corps or other administration officials.

There is another, more horrific explanation, which we’ll explain after the jump. Plus, lots more pictures!

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Here’s some “light news” to make you forget your troubles and realize that the celebrities have problems, too: A teevee performer called Teri Hatcher had lunch with Bush 41 for some reason. The actress is about half Poppy’s age, which is pretty old considering Poppy is like 97. And somebody was shooting some bad video of Poppy and the old gal having a chat in the parking lot somewhere, and then Poppy totally grabbed the gal’s ass and was all squeezing it and kissing her! There is video proof! MORE »

Are you sick of Bushes yet? Because today’s New York Observer brings us yet another one: Miss Ashley Walker* Bush, Debutard.

Like the rest of the umpteenth generation of Bushes, she suffers a bit from over-breeding, as well as that insane insistence on mentioning Texas, how she’s from Texas, how she lives in Texas, and how Southern she is in every sentence.

Oh, and guess what guys — her escort was Pierce. You can read the NYO piece for the exciting play-by-play account of the “Texas Dip” curtsey (illegal in nine states!), we’ll try to explain why you needn’t be too worried about Pierce and Ashley just yet.

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Pierce Bush! He’s the super-cool laid-back son of Neil (the black sheep Bush brother), just chillin’, brah, down in Austin, checkin’ out the scene, scorin’ wit’ bitches, knahahmsayin’? MORE »