Wonkette

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

The New Year Condidrought is over …. Or is it? Last week got off to a rousing start with a slew of interviews and then climaxed with Our Heroine’s trip to the Middle East with the boss. To a less practiced Condiwatcher, this would indicate a return to business-as-usual for the secretary of state. But I know better: the real Condoleezza Rice is still on vacation. What we’ve been seeing this past week has been the Condibot.

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Ha ha ha, the President made a hilarious joke about not being able to speak our language correctly, which is only funny if you missed the past seven years. Still, it was funnier than the time he made a PowerPoint about not being able to find WMDs in the Oval Office.

A White House spokesman told reporters that GWB “stayed up past his usual bed time I think” to see who won Iowa, and also that he thinks that the primaries are great tests of character. It’s not about the day-to-day, Bush has reportedly said in private, probably out loud to no one in particular, but it’s how you do over the long term that counts. There are a great many other revealing character tests in politics, like how one can serve as the president for 8 years and yet leave office without a single valuable policy initiative accomplished or a single competent appointment made but still think one’s opinion is valuable, for example. [CNN]

• “Days of Rage” sounds like it would have been a sweet Patrick Swayze movie. [New York Times]
• Democrats promise change and Republicans promise an end to Mexicans. [Washington Post, Washington Post]
• Listen, the Iraqis are pretty sharp people, we’re sure they’ll be able to figure out how to fight and whatever without us. [New York Times]
• Sudden Jihad Syndrome is a thing that some people want us to think is real. [Washington Times]
• Conservative courts? Bush Legacy? You don’t say. [Los Angeles Times]

One thing we can say about Obama is that he’s a real class act. [Politico]

• Huck sets money on fire because he don’t give a fuck. [Wonkette]

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Listicles, of course, are the year-end gift writers give themselves. But you know what? It’s been such a peculiar year for the Condibot that it would be totally criminal not to look back and reflect on its thrilling awkwardness. Join me on an epic journey through my personal (hey, get your own column!) favorite special moments in Dr. Ferragamo’s 2007, and my picks for AP’s Condirazzi photos of the year, after the jump…

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We know that the rate at which Wonkette readers share needles is higher than it should be, so we’re happy to report that Congress has lifted the DC needle exchange ban. Yes, the dark ages have gone, and now the District’s intravenous drug users can get clean needles for free instead of swapping their mortally filthy old ones. Democrats slipped the provision into the budget that President Bush signed into law yesterday, reversing the GOP’s nine-year social experiment to see if they could stop the spread of HIV/AIDS solely through pandering to fundamentalist Christians. DC, of course, now has the highest rate of infection in the country. But we can only imagine what Pelosi told Bush to trick him into signing this thing… “Just think Mr. President, you’ll be able to play all those Jethro Tull records again!” [New York Times]

I grew up in Texas, and my parents still live there, so I still go pretty often and it’s not as bad as you think. Houston’s become a pretty fun town — there are plenty of bars, and it’s possible to make out with even the most elite of hipster girls on the mention of being from, say, New York, which is where I happen to live. It’s not all fun and games down in the Lone Star state, though. Texas, it turns out, killed more than half the prisoners executed in the whole country combined, (60 percent!) this year according to the New York Times. Hooray Texas! MORE »

Apparently, the president has caught wind of the fact that his visionary leadership has driven world opinion of This Great Nation into the shitter, forcing American students all over the world to act Canadian. And Bush will spend calendar year 2008 traveling abroad to restore our tattered image. Or at least that’s the angle in this Bloomberg story. We have to admit guys, we’re skeptical. MORE »

• Every Republican agrees with every other one, and other signs the Rapture is upon us. [New York Times]
• Some like Huck while others dislike him. [Washington Post]
• Tom Coburn likes to fuck shit up for everybody. [Wall Street Journal]
• Walnuts may be suggesting that Drudge is lacking in the integrity department. [Politico]
• The President made a decision and is happy with the decision that he made. [Washington Post]
• What’s the one thing op-ed columnists love to write about more than Barry and Hillary? Each other! [New York Times]
• Were Democrats “stymied by a steadfast President” this year, or are they just a bunch of pussies? [LAT]
• Someone’s going to have to hang around the Senate floor over break to make sure the Decider doesn’t decide something retarded. [Roll Call]

The Bush White House will help out strapped homeowners seeking mortgage relief, but apparently only if you’re Christian. Bush mistakenly gave out a number yesterday for the new “Hope Now Hotline” set up by his administration. But anyone who actually dialed 1-800-995-HOPE did not reach the mortgage hotline. Instead, they reached the Freedom Christian Academy, some creepy group in Texas that provides homeschooling materials. But, you know, materials just for Christians. Bush gives out wrong mortgage hotline phone number [Think Progress] MORE »