Wonkette

Jenna did make it back for Christmas, despite the allure of Argentina Nights with her new Porteńo beau (poor Hank Hagar must seem so impossibly drab in comparison — but if that’s who James Baker wants her to breed with, that’s who Jenna’ll breed with). MORE »

Last week, “mercado libre,” the Argentinian eBay, featured a quickly-removed auction for Barbara Bush’s stolen cell phone. The auction started at 1,000 pesos, and the seller jokingly declared that the phone would be delivered to the winner by Osama bin Laden himself. MORE »

* We introduced Wonkette’s War on Christmas Gift Guide. You’ll never be bothered by Thank You cards again, — especially if you choose the Cold War Unicorns or Freddy Krueger Gipper poster. Great for parents!
* In a bit of holiday magic, famous-for-DC senior administration officials Tony Snow and Dan Bartlett ridiculously transformed into anonymous Senior Administration Officials midway through a press briefing in Latvia.
* Jim Webb almost beat up the president over Iraq. George Will cares more about doilies than dead bodies.
* We celebrated National Meth Day by crushing and snorting Claritin and masturbating to Ted Haggard sermons.
* Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wrote us all a letter complimenting our hair, our government loyalty, and our choice to live so far from Iran. Fox News Fan “Mark” wasn’t having it: “We are educated, unlike your nation, and will not be fooled by your big long educated words (that someone else told you what they mean because you obviously have no idea what they mean).”
* Did someone say crazies? Researchers followed psychotics through the voting process in 2004 and found a “correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president. The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush,” according to Bush’s hometown newspaper.
* Only NY governor-elect Eliot Spitzer can get to the bottom of the Cheney Church’s sex extortion of Sandra Day O’Connor … according to Nadine, anyway.
* Dr. Senator Bill Frist decided not to run for president. Instead, he is returning to gorilla surgery.
* The Bush Twins caused chaos in the streets of Argentina as they celebrated their 25th birthdays. Barb got her her purse stolen and mobile stolen.Ultimately, the spoiled brats were kicked out of the country.
* Our Thanksgiving Edition of Last Week’s Shots involved cousin banging, cocaine and black-people/watermelon jokes. We also brought you a very special update about modern romantic dilemmas such as announcing your secret-broken-condom problem on a forum the girl reads.

* Reliable Source: Amy Holmes was on The View and didn’t even get in any fights with the shouty liberals… More Bush Twins fun in South America. [WP]
* Yeas and Nays: The Onion runs one of their trademark fake columns, bylined with the name of real-life Rep. Dennis Moore. Moore, sadly, is a good sport about it… Rep. Adam Putnam (age calls Rep. Eric Cantor “a great wingman.” Cure the Post Style section … Buy the campaign crap of losers on eBay. [Examiner]

Finally, an American expat in Argentina blogs up the dirt on the endlessly fascinating theft of young Barbara Bush’s purse. We can now provide the following shocking details from a retired DC/NYC newspaperman:

* The purse-snatching took place at some huge bar/restaurant in the “hip San Telmo district.”
* It’s apparently spring in Argentina; rich girls can just skip winter altogether.
* The purse-snatching thieves are known as Porteños, which is Spanish for “purse snatchers.” (UPDATE FOR CERTAIN READERS: THAT’S A JOKE.)

Lots more hot Argentine action, after the jump.

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We get uneasy when the only White House official still in Washington is Greg Pitts, who was just flown home after being pummeled outside a Honolulu bar. So where did everybody go? Here’s the scorecard: MORE »

Here’s your BREAKING UPDATE on the Bush Twins’ Argentine Adventure, featuring abandoned presidential daughters and possible assassination attempts:

Barbara made headlines last week when she was robbed in a Buenos Aires restaurant; somebody apparently made off with her purse and cell phone. Secret Service agents claimed they “remotely erased” the mobile’s memory, thus denying America the naked drunken Bush Twins photos we so desperately need in these dark times. (But there’s no reason to believe the twins’ Secret Service detail, as the agents didn’t even notice the purse-snatching, because they were too busy being savagely beaten in the streets.)

Unfazed by the chaos and crime, the sisters continued their rampage because they were celebrating their 25th birthdays — and possibly preparing an escaped-Nazi-style South American lair for their soon-to-be deposed father. Lots more, after the jump.

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Jenna and Barbara are being tossed out of Argentina — not by the actual country, but by the pissed-off U.S. diplomats in Buenos Aires. MORE »

Was black magic to blame for the Bush Family’s incredible 24 hours of global bloodshed, crime, chaos, accidents and nervous breakdowns? Scientists say karma is more likely the cause, but we prefer theories from week-old news stories, like this one about an Indonesian witch doctor putting the hate on Dubya’s travels:

Ki Gendeng Pamungkas slit the throat of a goat, a small snake and stabbed a black crow in the chest, stirred their blood with spice and broccoli before he drank the “potion” and smeared some on his face.

Mmm, spice and broccoli. The voodoo priest said he had nothing against the United States, “but I don’t like Bush.” He also targeted Bush’s Secret Service team, which might explain why the Bush Twins were robbed in Argentina while their helpless protectors were savagely beaten. MORE »

ABC reports that Barbara Bush was the victim of a purse-snatcher in Buenos Aires, Argentina. In the middle of a restaurant, right under the noses of the Secret Service. Who’ve been having troubles of their own: MORE »

Now that the midterm elections are behind us, Wonkette can get back to our true purpose: obsessive analysis of the Bush Twins’ drinking habits. Today, IvyGate directs us to a couple photos of Barbara tailgating at Saturday’s Yale-Princeton game. With a red cup always in hand — and, more importantly (and highlighted at right), an additional beer in her back pocket — Jenna demonstrates, as IvyGate puts it, “true Bush-caliber commitment to drinking.” MORE »

If lame Arsenio Hall gags from the 1980s are no longer permitted, then America has truly died. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: Democrats are putting grainy photos of Tom DeLay, Michael Brown, and Harriet Myers on reporters’ chairs in the Capitol, thus bugging the hell out of everyone… “Pro-business, tax-cutting conservative Democrats” to form Congressional voting bloc group. Problem: Only four of them, no cool name yet. We suggest “The Republicans.” [Roll Call]

• Reliable Source: Former Defense Secretary Bill Cohen pitched a tv show about the Pentagon called “E-Ring.” Jerry Bruckheimer stole his idea a couple years later… President Bush and Karl Rove hold fundraiser two doors down from Hillary Clinton fundraiser. Neither calls cops on other. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Smartass Jeopardy-winning pseudo-celeb Ken Jennings knows what a Wonkette is. When asked what bar the Bush Twins used to frequent, answers “The Cock and Balls.” Examiner editors clean it up… Rep. Ed Markey (D-Mass) throws karaoke fundraiser, somehow neglects to invite us. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: Rep. Tom Feeney (R-Fla.) calls his opponent crazy, starts website subtitled “A Political and Satirical Website Dedicated to the Tinfoil Tales of Crazy Clint Curtis… The white supremacist guy from that Nation picture still likes George Allen, has Jewish friend. [The Hill]
• Lowdown: Karl Rove is on a protein shake diet. The protein comes from the baby meat. [NYDN]

We don’t know what’s odder — that she clearly had to cut short her workout to address the start of World War III IV Five Blades of Shaving Power and didn’t feel like changing, or that she works out in hand-me-downs from Jenna Bush.
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