It’s all happening! Jenna is really getting married to that one guy, Henry! They will live in Baltimore! But to really make “living in Baltimore” seem romantic, they will exchange vows at Jenna’s mom and dad’s retirement home in Waco, Texas. All the incredible details of the May 10 nuptials are suddenly coming to light. MORE »

The leader of America’s religion, Christianity, finally arrived in America today! The president and his wife and their daughter, Jenna, rushed down to the airport to say howdy. The pope held Jenna’s hand and cackled, in German, “You’re very pretty, for a girl.” MORE »

This week’s People has the (invented and sanitized) details of Mr. Henry Hager’s forced proposal to his bride-to-be Jenna Bush. It happened, supposedly, at Acadia National Park (as Laura revealed last month), on top of Cadillac Mountain. Hank, who had awoken his (probably hungover) ladyfriend before the sun even rose, “suggested stopping for an energy bar” (sick, just sick). And then, knowing that he had her drowsy and distracted from lack of sleep and high altitude, he popped the question as cursed dawn began to break. Jenna has been allowed to reveal some small part of her disgust with the whole affair: “‘I acted the complete opposite of how I thought I would: I was quiet. He said, ‘Are you exited?’ I was like, ‘I don’t know!’” She realized, of course, that she had little choice in the matter, and presumably acquiesced soon thereafter. We begin to sympathize with this poor little rich girl, who wanted nothing more than to live the happy life of drug-fueled privilege that so many of her contemporaries had, without the burden of eventually being enlisted in the Bush family’s ongoing effort to control the Earth. People gives more tragic details of her tragic young life: MORE »

“Nixon received a lot of goodwill because of Tricia’s wedding. I’ve said before that President Bush’s best chance to come out of his term well is if they capture Osama bin Laden and one of the twins gets married.” [IndyStar]

Will Jenna Bush’s shotgun wedding to dead-eyed former Rove staffer and Bush clan-approved groom Henry “Hank” Hager “the Horrible” take place at the White House? The New York Times pondered this incredibly important question yesterday, pointing out that the last time there was a White House wedding, 36 years ago, the father of the bride was a corrupt old bastard, the nation was in locked into an unwinnable war, and everyone involved eventually resigned in disgrace. Of course, that was still Dick’s first term, so it’s probably too late to hope for that sort of thing to happen again. MORE »

It’s time to go over the photographic forensic evidence and see if we can settle the burning question of the summer: Is Jenna pregnant or just really fat? MORE »

Stock markets shot back to 14,000 and the Iraqi resistance surrendered today on news that America’s Sweetheart, Jenna Bush, is marrying that guy she used to date before she split for South America. Henry Hager is the son of former Virginia lieutenant governor and state GOP chief and tobacco exec John H. Hager. Even better, young Henry worked directly for Karl Rove in the White House, so there’s a good chance Jenna’s new husband will be forced to testify at her dad’s war-crimes trial.

Bush’s daughter, Jenna, to be married [AP/Yahoo]

Oh how cute, the War Family makes little peace signs at the photographers. What other kind of douchebag behavior did our Royal Family partake in this weekend with Russian buddy Vlad the Putin?

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And then they got him high and fucked him in the bathroom, the end.

More hot Bush Twins-on-Elmo pix, after the jump.

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Here’s an insider’s secret for staying “out of the spotlight” even when your parents are internationally known and highly-polarizing political figures who have already been president once and may well rule again, due to their name being either Bush or Clinton: Act like a professional adult by avoiding opportunities to appear drunk or doped up in front of the paparazzi. MORE »

Guess who’s maybe getting engaged to Karl Rove’s former intern? The great Holocaust author Jenna Bush, that’s who! MORE »