Jenna Reflects on a Life Cut Short by Arranged Marriage
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
This week’s People has the (invented and sanitized) details of Mr. Henry Hager’s forced proposal to his bride-to-be Jenna Bush. It happened, supposedly, at Acadia National Park (as Laura revealed last month), on top of Cadillac Mountain. Hank, who had awoken his (probably hungover) ladyfriend before the sun even rose, “suggested stopping for an energy bar” (sick, just sick). And then, knowing that he had her drowsy and distracted from lack of sleep and high altitude, he popped the question as cursed dawn began to break. Jenna has been allowed to reveal some small part of her disgust with the whole affair: “‘I acted the complete opposite of how I thought I would: I was quiet. He said, ‘Are you exited?’ I was like, ‘I don’t know!’” She realized, of course, that she had little choice in the matter, and presumably acquiesced soon thereafter. We begin to sympathize with this poor little rich girl, who wanted nothing more than to live the happy life of drug-fueled privilege that so many of her contemporaries had, without the burden of eventually being enlisted in the Bush family’s ongoing effort to control the Earth. People gives more tragic details of her tragic young life: MORE »
When presented with an article in the San Francisco Gate about the pool boy for the Bush family’s Kennebunkport Estate, in which said pool boy comes off as ridiculously articulate, funny, and generally more liberal than Frank Rich, well, we ought to be kind of suspicious. But then the pool boy says something like “I look at the biggest middle finger in the world all day” and we just don’t care anymore. So meet James Razsa! 
Will Jenna Bush’s shotgun wedding to dead-eyed former Rove staffer and Bush clan-approved groom Henry “Hank” Hager “the Horrible” take place at the White House? The New York Times pondered this incredibly important question yesterday, pointing out that the last time there was a White House wedding, 36 years ago, the father of the bride was a corrupt old bastard, the nation was in locked into an unwinnable war, and everyone involved eventually resigned in disgrace. Of course, that was still Dick’s first term, so it’s probably too late to hope for that sort of thing to happen again. 
George Herbert Walker Bush is a very old and sad and lonely man, according to the New York Times. He spends a great deal of time these days calling the White House and pretending they listen to his pragmatic policy advice and crying in public about how much he loves his fuck-up children. But people come up to him on the street and tell him that the worst person in the world sprang from his loins, and then he cries some more. God forbid you bring up Neil! He’d have a heart attack! 
Are you sick of Bushes yet? Because today’s New York Observer brings us yet another one: Miss Ashley Walker* Bush, Debutard.
A few months back, we introduced you to 
Thus spake a tipster: 