Wonkette has a West Coast Bureau so we can read blogs about things that happened in LA last night just two miles from the West Coast Bureau. For example, Poppy Bush spoke Monday evening at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion downtown. The dude is like the Energizer Bunny of the New World Order — on Sunday he collapsed on a Palm Springs golf course, and on Monday he was telling lies and jokes to Republican loyalists.

Learn how to see former world leaders for half price or less, after the jump.

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Here’s some “light news” to make you forget your troubles and realize that the celebrities have problems, too: A teevee performer called Teri Hatcher had lunch with Bush 41 for some reason. The actress is about half Poppy’s age, which is pretty old considering Poppy is like 97. And somebody was shooting some bad video of Poppy and the old gal having a chat in the parking lot somewhere, and then Poppy totally grabbed the gal’s ass and was all squeezing it and kissing her! There is video proof! MORE »

After Jimmy Carter won the presidency, he paid a visit to then-CIA director George H.W. Bush’s office and supposedly asked to see the agency’s UFO files — Carter had seen something weird flying around the skies back in 1969, when he was standing outside a Lion’s Club in Georgia, and had made campaign promises to open up the government’s X-Files.

Find out how the Bush Family protects the Alien Invaders from space, too, after the jump.

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Remember George H.W. Bush’s first war? He got pissed off at his buddy Manuel Noriega because Manny stopped giving a cut of the coke money to the CIA, and next thing you know U.S. Marines are blasting Van Halen at the Panamanian Vatican Embassy … and that’s how the leader of a sovereign nation (that we actually stole from Colombia) ended up in a Miami prison for 15 years. MORE »

Beloved Watergate criminal E. Howard Hunt finally died this week at the rotten old age of 88 — just a week after he publicly blamed Lyndon Johnson for ordering the assassination of John F. Kennedy. As Hunt himself has long been suspected of being one of the CIA black-ops artists behind JFK’s murder in Dallas, that was a pretty weird revelation.

As he begins his eternal torture in Hell, let’s look back at the curiously rich and varied life of a man who maybe didn’t start off 100% crooked … after the jump.

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Surgeons replaced yet another hip on George Herbert Walker Bush today so he can hopefully live long enough to fix whatever Junior screws up tomorrow with the “Iraq Surge to Total Defeat” plan. MORE »

America’s weepy great-uncle, George H.W. Bush, had another public meltdown on Monday as he spoke at some “leadership council” deal in Florida. The former president began weeping and moaning while trying to talk about his son. But they were not tears of shame, as Poppy was speaking of Jeb “The Popular One” Bush.

Asked why his wife Barbara never cries and in fact laughs at the plight of disaster victims, Bush 41 said, “I’m the emotional one …. I don’t enjoy breaking up, but when you talk about somebody you love, when you get older, you do it more.”

UPDATE: We’ve found the actual AP photo of the Crying 41, and it’s after the jump.

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Making a “suitcase full of money” stop in the United Arab Emirates today, Bush 41 put an end to those Father Knows Best rumors by reminding everyone he’s still a creepy old man. During a Q&A after some “leadership conference,” the business-friendly Arabs who consider the elder Bush a hero still gave him a bunch of crap about his son’s Iraq debacle. Even the gals called Junior a dangerous twit.

Bush, 82, appeared stunned as others in the audience whooped and whistled in approval. A college student told Bush his belief that U.S. wars were aimed at opening markets for American companies and said globalization was contrived for America’s benefit at the expense of the rest of the world. Bush was having none of it.

“I think that’s weird and it’s nuts,” Bush said. “To suggest that everything we do is because we’re hungry for money, I think that’s crazy. I think you need to go back to school.”

So what about Iraq, anyway? Will Baker and 41 really fix that mess? Time to get your hopes down again. Says Senior of Junior: “He’s not going to change his view because some poll says this or some poll says that, or some heartfelt comments from the lady who feels deeply in her heart about something. You can’t be president of the United States and conduct yourself if you’re going to cut and run. This is going to work out in Iraq.” MORE »