Tag Archives: bullshit

  Fat Blasting Brain Loss Miracle

The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz

Too old for this shit.
Welcome back, pilgrims! It’s good to see you’ve returned to your old friend the Snake Oil Bulletin, the weekly compendium of the latest horsepuckey to plop itself right here on our beloved interwebs. Now normally we focus on a smattering of stories to whet your woo woo whistle, but this week we’ve decided that special devotion should be reserved for a brave, beleaguered hero, that duke of duplicitous drivel, Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD (Malarkey Dipshit). Dr. Oz has had quite the adventure over the past year, but as you’ll soon see, it takes a lot to keep a poppycock peddler down. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin Sifts Through The Pseudoscientific Dingleberries Of Dr. Mehmet Oz…
  Damn all those liberals who got paid to comment on the Congresslady's status

Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers Declares Victory Over Obamacare Fans, Goes Home

McMorris Rodgers' original graph, which proves that all Obamacares lead down a jagged path to cupcakes.
Last week, Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers (R-Washington) decided it might be a neat idea to stop playing Farmville for a second and update her FacePlace status, with that dumb looking graph above, just asking hey, everyone, how did Obamacare ruin your life and kill your grandmother? Of course, those stories are hard to come by, except for in Republican fever dreams that probably also include buttsechs. To everyone’s surprise (not really), what happened instead was that people got in the comments section and told all their nice stories about “I have insurance for the first time in my life!” and “Obamacare saved my Nana!” — all liberal lies of course. Well, McMorris Rodgers has an EXPLANATION for what happened. All the nice things people said were about parts of the bill that EVERYONE loves, even Republicans: Read more on Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers Declares Victory Over Obamacare Fans, Goes Home…
  A Shining Example

All Teabagging And No Brain Makes Maine Governor LePage A Dull Boy

All the tax rates float down here
Left: Author Stephen King. Right: Maine Gov. Paul LePage (file photo) Among things you should never do: 1) Vandalize a beautiful but haunted 1958 Plymouth Fury 2) Experiment with reanimating the dead; 3) Dump pig blood on Carrie White at the prom; 4) Suggest that unabashed progressive Stephen King would ever move away from his beloved Maine for the sake of lower taxes in another state. Unless you are Maine’s idiot teabagger governor Paul LePage. He got reelected, and now he wants to eliminate the state’s progressive income tax and replace the revenue with an increase in sales taxes, the most regressive tax possible. And worse, he kind of lied about novelist Stephen King in a speech touting the proposed tax swap (DO NOT CALL IT A CUT). Read more on All Teabagging And No Brain Makes Maine Governor LePage A Dull Boy…
  You See Us Together Chasing The Moonlight My Cinnamon Girl

Mike Huckabee Has One Weird Trick To Cure Diabetes (It Is ‘Money From Hucksters’)

Definitely Not Nuts AT ALL
Like Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee is going to tell you a few secrets that Big Pharma doesn’t want you to know. No, seriously! That’s how he’s making money these days, and it’s all because he wants to be president and definitely not because Huck knows a good grift when he sees one. The New York Times explains how Huckabee is using this one weird trick to cure diabetes, cancer, and other illnesses all the way to the goddamn bank. Read more on Mike Huckabee Has One Weird Trick To Cure Diabetes (It Is ‘Money From Hucksters’)…
  Tell Me Your Dreams

Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t

Wrong Kirk? Whatever.
Illinois Senator Mark Kirk has a wee bit of advice to his party, especially those fellows over in the House. After the Senate passed a clean bill to fund the Department of Homeland Security for the rest of the year, Kirk told reporters, “Hopefully we’re gonna end the attaching of bullshit to essential items of the government.” Read more on Even GOP Senators Are Sick Of House Wingnuts’ Bullsh*t…
  Fuck This Shit

Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida

We can't even come up with a funny alt tag right now, guys.
You remember Marissa Alexander, right? She was the Florida woman who fired warning shots at her abusive husband (and missed) during a domestic dispute and got 20 years for it. Fortunately, she got a new trial, and on Monday, justice was finally served. Unfortunately, as the piping-hot bowl of justice was being served, it was spilled in Marissa Alexander’s lap, and because this is Florida, she still has to pay for her meal. Read more on Marissa Alexander Officially Not Allowed To Stand Her Ground In Florida…
  All Lorettas Look The Same To Us

Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure

This fuckin' guy.
Breitbart “reporter” Warner Todd Huston, who wrote the offending article. We have not Photoshopped this image. Mistakes — we all make ‘em! Admitting when you’re wrong helps build credibility with your audience, and it is also too the Right Thing To Do. Read more on Breitbart Very Very Very Sorry About Its Journalism, For Sure…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
In the last seven days, the Sarah Palin Channel has published exactly nine minutes and twenty-eight seconds of content. Three minutes of that total is “Behind the Scenes” reels, one of which centers on Sarah going to a barn in North Carolina last year (it was Billy Graham’s barn, and it was a very boring visit). That means Palin’s team produced about six minutes of content in the last week, so yes, this is probably the laziest political grift we’ve ever covered in our short time as Yr Wonket. But by the same token, it is also the most ruthlessly efficient. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Why’s Obama Letting Immigrant Terrorists Ebola Us To Death?…
  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Climate Change Is This Century’s Eugenics

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented by Fartknocker
Sarah Palin is a busy former half-term governor these days. She’s hit the campaign trail for Republicans no one really likes; she “wrote” a Facespace note telling us how she had a big sad about the Thrilla in Wasilla; and four days ago, she went foraging for derp berries in the Fever Swamps of Poor Historical Analogies. You guys, look what she found! Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Climate Change Is This Century’s Eugenics…
  Birthers: The Next Generation

New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies

Since this photo doesn't exist, maybe YOU DON'T EITHER! Whoa, we are all Philip K Dick today!
From the ugly world of Facebook, we received a recommendation to check out this story: “Evidence Emerges That Michelle Obama Never Birthed Malia And Sasha,” at something called “The U.S. Patriot,” whose “About” page assures us that they are “home to the best Conservative news on the internet.” Let’s see what this important story has to say! Read more on New Wingnut Theory (Or ‘Satire’?): Michelle Obama Never Birthed No Babies…
 

Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Racism, Declares Ben Stein

Ben Stein, the man who introduced America to Jimmy Kimmel, has written a piece for the American Spectator about how the South is pretty much the best and racism is dead forever. Gather ’round, and let’s tear apart Ben Stein’s neo-Confederate paean to the glories of the New South. This is a story of what has been accomplished in the South, and in particular in Greenville, over the years. This is a city on the move, very likely the most rapidly growing industrial center in the South. It has no time for hate or racial fear. No time for hate in Greenville, SC, huh Ben? That would come as a surprise to Sean Kennedy, who was punched to death in 2007 outside a Greenville bar for the crime of being a gay man. Keep reachin’ for that rainbow, and then getting punched so hard that your brain comes loose from your spine, Ben. Does Ben Stein make other revisionist claims about the New South? You bet your sweet D.W. Griffith Blu-Ray Collection he does! We read the whole stupid thing so you don’t have to. Here’s some of the highlights. Read more on Ain’t Nobody Got Time for Racism, Declares Ben Stein…
  an convenient truth

Al Gore: ‘Embarrassing’ ‘Shallow’ GOP Candidate Probably Rhymes With ‘Smick Smantorum’ (AUDIO!)

Aging dirty hippie Al Gore called into the new Bill Press show “Full Court Press” (get it?) on Current TV to point and laugh at all the stupid GOP candidates, and to say their debates are astonishingly shallow, and to aver that surely even the majority of Republicans are embarrassed by these Little Torquemadas who have managed to time travel from the 1800s before Nazis invented the PIll. (Pssst, Rick Santorum, we are pretty sure he is talking about you.) Why must Al Gore be such a pathological liar? Perhaps Rick Santorum would like to call bullshit on that! Read more on Al Gore: ‘Embarrassing’ ‘Shallow’ GOP Candidate Probably Rhymes With ‘Smick Smantorum’ (AUDIO!)…
  media is the new welfare queens

Rick Santorum Yells Rude Swear at Terrible Liberal Media (VIDEO!)

Why is the terrible liberal media forcing Rick Santorum to yell swears at them by repeating his words back to him and asking about them? WHYYYYYY? Because they are the liberal media, duh. They could no more stop forcing Rick Santorum to yell rude swears at them by repeating his words and asking questions about them, than they could stop being terrorists. It’s just who they are. And that is why Rick Santorum told Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times to stop distorting his words, it is ********! (The word is “bullshit.”) Seriously, you gotta see this perfect koan of a CBS video, in which they show Santorum’s words, Zeleny asking about them, and Santorum freaking out, lyinnnnnng, and then clearly having to talk himself down from just cold delivering a physical beatdown on poor Zeleny, after the jump. But is there whining? THERE IS THAT TOO! Read more on Rick Santorum Yells Rude Swear at Terrible Liberal Media (VIDEO!)…
  mullah mitt

Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief

One thing the Republican presidential candidates love to do is talk about how they will bomb each and every Islamic Person, because the Islamic Persons might be plotting something against Israel, which is the only patriotic country outside of America’s borders, because of the greatest American Action Hero, a mythological Jewish mystic who lived (?) in the region two-thousand years ago. But Mitt Romney is so bad at pretending to be a right-wing zealot that he even screwed up the Threatening Iran section of his campaign lies PowerPoint Presentation. Now the actual former chief spy of the Mossad — the super-spy bosses of Israel — says Mitt Romney is screwing it up for Israel, by telling the Persian Demons exactly what a President Mitt Romney would do, if he somehow became president. Read more on Traitor Mitt Romney Helping Iran Destroy Israel, Says Ex-Mossad Chief…
  grampa's been reading david brooks again

Orrin Hatch Calls Obama A Hipster With A Funny Hat And Coffee

Orrin Hatch on the Senate floor, you guys: “President Obama has traded in the hard hat and lunch bucket category of the Democratic Party for a hipster fedora and a double skim latte.” Wow, he traded in an entire category of his coalition for a single hat and coffee drink! Is that a “Fair Trade” of the sort that the hipsters love so much? Ha ha ha… eh… kill us now? [Buzzfeed] Read more on Orrin Hatch Calls Obama A Hipster With A Funny Hat And Coffee…
  god knows how much this cost

FBI Breaks Up Latest Terrorist Plot That It Created

In a super-neato sting operation today, the FBI totally intercepted a Muslim Terrorist wearing a suicide bomb vest en route to the Capitol, to blow it up. Sucker! Caught you! Go eat an Abortionplex-sized bag of dicks, guy! (But really, thank you for taking all of the pretend bombs our agents gave you and going with them on field trips to test explosives and all the other things we tricked you into doing so we could arrest you.) Read more on FBI Breaks Up Latest Terrorist Plot That It Created…
  establishment marketing techniques

Occupy Wall Street’s Scripted SOTU Response ‘Embargoed’ By PR Company

The dull evidence of a typical hack political campaign is the “embargoed” speech or statement sent out many hours before the event it is supposed to address. And now we’ve got this email from a big P.R. firm claiming that the Occupy Wall Street response to Obama’s State of the Union speech is contained within this mass-mailed marketing material. That whole “mic check” thing was getting a bit stale even before it was written into a press release and sent to the nation’s political media with the dumb demand that it be kept from the common people’s eyes until after Barack Obama read his prepared comments. Read more on Occupy Wall Street’s Scripted SOTU Response ‘Embargoed’ By PR Company…
  visions of america

A Children’s Treasury of Sincere Comments Praising Wal-Mart

Last week we mentioned that a half-dozen heirs to the Wal-Mart fortune own more than the 100,000,000 Americans at the wrong end of the U.S. Pyramid of Poverty, which is gigantic on the bottom and narrow in the middle and just a teeny tiny point on the top that controls all the wealth in this irredeemably corrupt welfare-capitalism police state of desperate, insane “consumers.” We also noted that one of the heiresses to this outrageous stockpile of American wealth has been throwing around about a billion dollars to construct and fill up a vulgar Fine Art museum in Arkansas, in a ditch behind the Wal-Mart headquarters. Within a few days, we began finding lots and lots of pro-Wal-Mart comments from people who have never commented on Wonkette before. It’s a Festivus miracle! Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Sincere Comments Praising Wal-Mart…
  occupy apple

Apple iPhone Censoring Birth Control, Help For Rape Victims

Because Apple designs computing devices that aren’t as hideous and abysmal as other computing devices on the market, people who possess aesthetic values (liberals) have long loved the company and its products. But Apple is still a multinational corporation, one of the world’s biggest, and it is certainly evil in terms of its slave-labor work force in Asia, its utter lack of philanthropic giving, and its new iPhone’s censorship of women’s health issues. Need Viagra? “Siri” is ready to help with a list of nearby drugstores. Drive fast! Need emergency contraception, birth control clinics or maybe the police, because you’ve been raped? Apple’s iPhone is programmed not to understand! Read more on Apple iPhone Censoring Birth Control, Help For Rape Victims…
  fail

Not Even FBI Cares About Bloomberg’s Phony Terror Suspect

While #OWS protesters created a “weaponized drum circle” around Michael Bloomberg’s mansion over the weekend, the mayor’s attempt to get people to freak out about the terrorisms was a total failure. Not even the terror-happy federal government was convinced by New York’s lame-o made-up terror suspect. Reuters reports: Read more on Not Even FBI Cares About Bloomberg’s Phony Terror Suspect…