Tag Archives: britain

  you know who else ... ?

British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler

We will totally admit that we do not know much about politics in Merry Olde Limeyland, mostly because the parliamentary system seems really fucking complicated. How do you British people keep track of them all? Do you just kind of lose track of some of the parties? Because we’re thinking maybe that’s a possible excuse for the existence of one Bill Etheridge, a UK Independence Party (UKip!!) member of the European Parliament (MEP!!) who gave a little public speaking seminar for aspiring politicians where one of his pro-tips was that speakers should emulate Hitler. Read more on British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler…
  braintrusts

Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism

Oh look, some super-brilliant science nerd at the Free Republic has written an Open Letter to the Queen of Englande! It is full of incontrovertible facts, like how we must rejoin the British Empire, because Barack Obama is socialist. But wait! you are shouting at yourself, while scratching your belly, isn’t the United Kingdom sort of the place that invented “socialist”? Shut up, that’s why! Behold the wit and waggishness, after the jump! Read more on Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism…
  can you feel the love tonight?

Catholic Church Reaching Around To Jews and Muslims Over Shared Hatred Of Gays

Religionists in Gaye Olde Britain are all in a bother because “Equalities Minister” (get a real job) Lynne Featherstone “launched a national consultation on how same-sex marriage might be introduced.” “Indeed not!” said the papal nuncio! “Over our dead bodies!” said some Islamists. “So what who cayuhs,” said most of the Jews. But the papal nuncio was heartened by the reaction of (some of) the Jews and (many of) the Islamists, and declared a new ecumenicism — a catholicism, if you will! — in the shared facing of this common threat: some chaps and lassies what like each other. And picking up from their pals across the pond (US!), a few of them even figured out that letting someone else do something you don’t like could be interpreted as a war on you! To the battlestations! Man the ramparts! In Scotland, the Council of Glasgow Imams recently agreed a joint resolution describing same-sex marriage as an “attack” on their faith and fundamental beliefs. Oy, gevalt! Say, chaps, shall we have a spot of #WAR? Read more on Catholic Church Reaching Around To Jews and Muslims Over Shared Hatred Of Gays…
  eat the rich

Pasties Take A Licking From UK Parliament

The Land of Newz is all aflutter this morning about the UK’s plunge into a double-dip recession that is the worst since 1975. What is the esteemed Members of Parliament’s solution, in line with their super successful austerity plan? A 20 percent tax on hot pasties, of course. No tax on cold pasties, though. So, phew. STAND DOWN! While London Bridge is falling down, MPs think it’s extremely important to spend their precious time interrogating each other as to the last time they’d eaten a hot pasty or bragging about how tasty was their latest pasty. Meanwhile, enraged Master Bakers and Pasty Makers, gathering at Pudding Lane, will finish their anti-tax protest march today on the steps of Whitehall, hoping that “politicians will be lured by the taste of an authentic Cornish pasty” enough to give pasty pounding peasants a little tax break. As mutton grease dribbles down the triple chins of pasty-patronizing Parliament, and housepersons all over the land are whinging to their neighbors about the pasty outrage, bankers and corporate moguls are laughing their asses off, sipping French champagne and nibbling their tax-free caviar. Why? Because 2011 bank bonuses in the UK were in the billions, the UK’s corporate profitability bounce back in 2010 and 2011 was extraordinary… and globally, “2011 was a banner year for luxury brands, some had more sales and profits than 2007, just before the global financial crisis.” OK, so there was a little slump, which caused some poor jetsetters to suffer: “Now, instead of buying three or four handbags, they might buy one for two-thirds of the value of all four put together.” Read more on Pasties Take A Licking From UK Parliament…
  bloody blood bloods

British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money

Muslim, muslamic law, from Iraq, you know. Muslamic ray-guns? We’re not quite sure what this bloke is saying (something about the metric system and putting blood in their pudding cups?), but we know these guys are better than our bigots. When’s the last time you saw a mosk protest in the United States? Back in the summer before all the teevee shows returned for the fall schedule! Our shriveled-up old bigots are too lazy to protect us from Sharia. And just look at that video! You can fit a lot more bigots into your rally thing when you’re not all in scooters! Read more on British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money…
 

Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey

Pope Benedict’s trip to England started on a sort of racist, not-helpful note. But the Big XVI has recovered, and he even told the Limey newspaper men that you know, isn’t it a pity the Church was able to suppress allegations of child abuse for so long? Read more on Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey…
  somehow obama is to blame though

Winston Churchill Ordered Cover-Up of Posh British UFOs

Recently-released files show that the fancy tea-based British government took their fancy British UFOs very seriously in the 1950s, and Winston Churchill destroyed much of the evidence to cover it up. The U.S. thought it was winning the UFO race at the time, but were our dandy allies secretly doing better than us? Why did aliens like Britain so much? They are called FISH STICKS and FRENCH FRIES, poodle-skirt aliens, and we had them too. Read more on Winston Churchill Ordered Cover-Up of Posh British UFOs…
  we never should have saved them from the kaiser

Anti-Limey Hysteria Reaching Fever Pitch

If beloved departing Wonkette editor Jim Newell can be said to have made one enduring contribution to the American collective political consciousness, it’s the way he made hatred of the British “fun” again. Before he came onto the scene, nobody was using the slur “lobsterback,” and now kids all over the country taunt their more effete/orthodontically challenged classmates with it constantly. He has done this, of course, because he is a LaRouchite plant, but you’ll have to admit this new wave of Britanno-hate is peaking at a strangely appropriate moment, what with a vast multinational corporation that used to have the word “British” in its name despoiling our ocean and all. After the jump, photographic evidence that The War of 1812 II: The War of 2010 is right around the corner. Read more on Anti-Limey Hysteria Reaching Fever Pitch…
  best chaps

A Children’s Treasury Of David Cameron Stalking Barack Obama

Back in 2008, the hottest fad among European politicians was to get their pictures taken with presidential candidate Barack Obama, who was much more popular among Europeans than any of them. David Cameron, who had been preparing for his royal takeover of Britain for years already, chased Barack Obama all over the place. Up top, we have Cameron’s video from election night 2008. He watched Barack Obama win on the telly and read about his Glories in the local news-tabloids, and then proceeded to suck up like the Dickens. “I KNOWETH THIS MAN. WE ARE BEST CHAPS. HE LOVES ME,” he narrates. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of David Cameron Stalking Barack Obama…
  that green and pleasant land

Leaderless Britain Suspiciously Riot-Free

As the mists rising from vomit-filled gutters all over the United Kingdom were chased away by the feeble northern sun, bleary-eyed drunken yobs all over the island awoke to discover that the votes they had cast the previous day on a lark had resulted in no clear winner. David Cameron, the posh Tory whose youthful hobbies included destroying property, six months ago was a shoo-in to demolish Labour’s Gordon Brown, who is hated by everyone including himself, and cute li’l Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats; and though the known cock-fantasizer did indeed come in first, his Conservatives didn’t get more than half the seats in Parliament meaning NOBODY IS IN CHARGE ANARCHY WHOOOOO!!! Read more on Leaderless Britain Suspiciously Riot-Free…
  uk election news in the news

British Politicians Rewarded With Plane Crashes, Street Fights and Dog Attacks

How’s the polling going over on the crime-ridden alcoholic colony known as the British Isles? Not too good! Here are some actual news reports from Queen Elizabeth’s version of CNN, “the Beeb,” about how nature/fate is treating the various sods running for election today: Read more on British Politicians Rewarded With Plane Crashes, Street Fights and Dog Attacks…
  meet your candidates

LaRouchie Birther Kesha Rogers Wins Dem Congressional Nomination, Will Kill All Lobsterbacks

A new ray of prospective 2010 election fun came shining down Tuesday night: a LaRouchie birther named Kesha Rogers will now reclaim Dracula Cunt’s Texas congressional seat for America’s Democrats, after winning a primary against perhaps a wooden stool or some wilted lettuce. She has many thoughts about the British. Oh ho ho! Read more on LaRouchie Birther Kesha Rogers Wins Dem Congressional Nomination, Will Kill All Lobsterbacks…
  daily briefing

Making Sure A Plane Bomber Will Never Not Actually Bomb A Plane Again

The Department of Homeland Security will begin smuggling more plainclothes air marshals on planes, most likely by just putting them in a regular Advil bottle. [New York Times] Regarding the aspirational terror act, Obama, from Hawaii, has finally issued important threats about Investigating Things.  [POLITICO] Read more on Making Sure A Plane Bomber Will Never Not Actually Bomb A Plane Again…
  official correspondence

John Culberson Would Like To Ask Hillary Clinton For Something

Texas Rep. John Culberson is a jackass, and yesterday he wrote a letter to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. He requested help with something, internationally. So what was his pressing concern for the nation’s top diplomat? Read more on John Culberson Would Like To Ask Hillary Clinton For Something…
  getting shit done

Cheney Is Going To Go Ahead And Just Arrest All Britain’s Terrorists For Them

The British are terribly, terribly cross with America’s former Vice President Dick Cheney. The meddlesome Cheney somehow found himself all mixed up in counter-terrorism investigations over there! It seems he almost totally botched the UK’s arrest of three British guys who were plotting to blow up seven airliners headed for North America. Specifically, Cheney tried to have them arrested before they even bought plane tickets on the planes they were going to bomb. Ha ha! It’s cute, how anxious he is. Read more on Cheney Is Going To Go Ahead And Just Arrest All Britain’s Terrorists For Them…
 

Fake ‘West Wing’ President Martin Sheen Endorses Obama Instead Of Old Fan Bill Clinton’s Wife!

Since his first choice for President didn’t work out and now spends his days angrily catfighting with James Carville on CNN, President Josiah “Martin Estevez Sheen” Bartlet has found solace in the arms of Barack Obama. But just like his old crush Bill Richardson, he is afraid that former “Real President” Bill Clinton will be mad at him — so he made his announcement overseas in England where none of the English-speaking public would let slip this shocking revelation. Read more on Fake ‘West Wing’ President Martin Sheen Endorses Obama Instead Of Old Fan Bill Clinton’s Wife!…
 

Is This Wealthy British Tory Also an Emperor’s Club Client?

According to the British tabloid News of the World, the Duke of Westminster also patronizes the Emperor’s Club VIP. He is Britain’s third richest man and “heads his country’s Territorial Army,” who fight the terrorists. Since these incredible things were not quite enough for his paid sex worker to have sex with him, here’s what he told her to seal the deal: “Osama bin Laden was alive and hiding in Pakistan.” Read more on Is This Wealthy British Tory Also an Emperor’s Club Client?…
 

These are the Top Ten “most memorable TV moments of the past 50 years,” according to a new British poll: 1. 9/11. 2. Princess Di’s funeral. 3. First lunar landing. 4. Berlin Wall knocked down. 5. Bob Geldof cursing at Live Aid. 6. “The Two Ronnies’ famous ‘Four Candles’ comedy sketch.” 7. “The dance performed by Ricky Gervais in his role as manager David Brent in The Office.” 8. Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch. 9. England winning the World Cup. 10. JFK’s assassination. [Reuters] Read more on …
 

Rumors On The Internets: No Less Than 1,478,000 Morons In America

* Tony Snow is happy to confirm he’s not lying, when he’s not lying. [1115] * Creepiest media moguls to attend conference in creepiest state for creepiest candidate. [Hotline on Call] * Smarmy elites chase dandified elites from national political stage. [Political Insider] * Barry Hussein wins key endorsement from leader of pro-terror voting block. [Election Central] * Coalition party in Iraq must’ve run out of booze. [The Gavel] * British troops only being withdrawn so Prince Harry doesn’t have to grow any hair — on his precious porcelain balls. [Breitbart] * Fox news viewers tune into The 1/2 Hour News Hour to save time. [Comedy Central Insider] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: No Less Than 1,478,000 Morons In America…
 

Daily Briefing: A Warm Place With No Memory

* Court upholds law insuring there will be no Guantanamo Redemption for the charming, good-natured inmates of that prison. [WP, NYT, LAT] * Supreme Court says smoking kills, but it’s still cool. [WP, NYT] * David Geffen sits in a booster seat at the booster dinner he hosted for Barry Hussein. [WP] * One hundred Americans in a room, and only 9 of the most stoned think they trust President Bush to improve national healthcare. [WSJ] * Ellen Tauscher looks like low-hanging moderate fruit to the gaping maw of California hippie bloggers. [WP] * Jurors begin deliberations today in the trial of that lying liar Scooter Libby. We’ll let you know if you need to pay attention. [WP, NYT] * White House calls reduction of British forces in Iraq, “a sign of success.” [LAT, USAT, Guardian] * Maybe there are actually three things from Texas. [NYT] Read more on Daily Briefing: A Warm Place With No Memory…
 

Any Press Is Good Press!

Bush has to go to remote cowtowns in Northern Nevada to find a friendly crowd these days, but it seems he still has some “star power” on the international stage. The citizens of America’s four closest allies — Britain, Israel, Canada and Mexico — have shown their solidarity by naming Osama bin Laden as the biggest threat to world peace, with majorities choosing the Saudi millionaire. Read more on Any Press Is Good Press!…